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Humor about spirituality and the occult mixed in with some other stuff and tunes of the unordinary.
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
by Eggnoramus
Feeling blue or insecure? Losing sight of what's important? Still searching for the real "you"? In this self-help age of soul-searching, daily affirmations have been known to do the trick. But you probably shouldn't try these ...
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self- righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
You make the music go back, you hear satan speaking!
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Cursed be him who with violence acted. May his name be forgotten! May he never sleep! May he never sleep! May he never sleep! And when he do it will come as the last relief!
You hurt people i care about. May the final fucking darkess find you fast!
May all who read this be blessed!
On the equinox, the Earth's axis is perpendicular to the Sun's rays.
This occurs at 21:06 Mountain Time this year.
Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.
Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"
About 60 hands go up.
"How many have seen a ghost?"
About 15 hands go up.
"How many have spoken to a ghost?"
3 hands go up.
"How many have had sex with a ghost?"
One hand goes up, Paddy right at the back.
Guy says to Paddy, I have been doing this for 40 years and
you are the first that has claimed to have had sex with a ghost.
Come forward and explain.
Paddy says, "sorry I couldn't hear you from the back, I thought you said goats."