This has been an unofficial channel rebroadcasting content from The Babylon Bee's RSS feed on Telegram; now that The Babylon Bee appears to have actually joined Telegram, I urge all subscribers to check out their channel over at @TheBabylonBee.
I'm keeping this channel up to preserve content from its founding (May 2019) until today, but there will be no new posts after this point.
To all subscribers past and present, thank you.
Merriam-Webster Changes Definition Of ‘White Supremacist’ To ‘Anyone Who Wins In The Stock Market When They’re Not Supposed To’
MediaSPRINGFIELD, MA—WallStreetBets has been banned from Reddit and Discord after conspiring to make money on the stock market, even though they are unworthy of such riches. Shortly after they were banned for "hateful and discriminatory content," the online dictionary Merriam-Webster quickly changed the official definition of "white supremacist" to "anyone who makes a lot of money in the stock market when they’re not supposed to."The post Merriam-Webster Changes Definition Of ‘White Supremacist’ To ‘Anyone Who Wins In The Stock Market When They’re Not Supposed To’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/merriam-webster-changes-definition-of-white-supremacist-to-anyone-who-wins-at-the-stock-market-when-theyre-not-supposed-to/
FDA Approves New, Even More Accurate COVID Test That Requires A Swab Of Your Exposed Heart
MediaU.S.—After concerning reports of inaccurate nasal-swab COVID tests, and the release of a slightly more accurate anal-swab test, the FDA has approved the use of the most accurate COVID test yet, which will require a swab of your open, still-beating heart.The post FDA Approves New, Even More Accurate COVID Test That Requires A Swab Of Your Exposed Heart appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/fda-approves-new-even-more-accurate-covid-test-that-requires-a-swab-of-your-exposed-heart/
Biden Orders Surgeon General's Warnings Placed On All Biology Textbooks
MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden signed an executive order today mandating thatThe post Biden Orders Surgeon General's Warnings Placed On All Biology Textbooks appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-orders-surgeon-generals-warnings-placed-on-all-biology-textbooks/
7 Even Safer Alternatives To Double-Masking
MediaSome people only double-mask. These people want grandma to die. Others triple-mask. These people only kind of want grandma to die. But you are a good and virtuous citizen, so you came to this article to find out how you can be even more righteous than those lame double-maskers and triple-maskers. Here are seven great ways you can stay safe, brought to you by SCIENCE!The post 7 Even Safer Alternatives To Double-Masking appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/7-even-safer-alternatives-to-double-masking/
Democrats Vote To Reinstate Trump As President So Impeachment Trial Is Constitutional
MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—Trump has been reinstated as president so Democrats in Congress can be sure the impeachment trial will be constitutional.The post Democrats Vote To Reinstate Trump As President So Impeachment Trial Is Constitutional appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-reinstated-as-president-to-make-sure-impeachment-trial-is-constitutional/
Here's A Complete List Of Fascist Dictators Who Were Democratically Voted Out Of Power
Media The post Here's A Complete List Of Fascist Dictators Who Were Democratically Voted Out Of Power appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/heres-a-complete-list-of-fascist-dictators-who-were-democratically-voted-out-of-office/
In Stunning Reversal Of Previous Administration, New Biden COVID Plan Features Mask Wearing, Vaccinations, And Travel Bans
MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning repudiation of Trump's COVID plan, Biden has announced he will throw out masking, vaccinations, and travel bans and replace them with masking, vaccinations, and travel bans.The post In Stunning Reversal Of Previous Administration, New Biden COVID Plan Features Mask Wearing, Vaccinations, And Travel Bans appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/in-stunning-reversal-of-previous-administration-new-biden-covid-plan-features-mask-wearing-vaccinations-and-travel-bans/
Google Reports Sudden Spike In Searches For 'Can You Take Back Your Vote For President' Among Biden Voters
MediaU.S.—Google has reported a sudden spike in searches for the term "can you take back your vote for president" among Biden voters.The post Google Reports Sudden Spike In Searches For 'Can You Take Back Your Vote For President' Among Biden Voters appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/sudden-spike-in-searches-for-can-you-take-back-your-vote-for-president-among-biden-voters/
Man Who Called Half The Country Racists All Year Calls For Unity
MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—The man who strongly implied half the nation were racist, Nazi, white supremacists for the entire presidential campaign has called for the nation to unify, sources confirmed Tuesday.The post Man Who Called Half The Country Racists All Year Calls For Unity appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/man-who-called-half-the-country-nazis-all-year-calls-for-unity/
From Greco-Persian Wars To The Civil Rights Movement, Here Are 7 Times Kamala Harris Changed The Course Of World History
MediaKamala Harris is one of the most beloved and influential figures in American history. In addition to becoming America's first female Vice President of color, she has been present at some of history's most pivotal moments, always ready to alter the course of human events like a benevolent deity in the clouds -- or a busy beaver that stops a mighty river with a dam made of chewed up logs.The post From Greco-Persian Wars To The Civil Rights Movement, Here Are 7 Times Kamala Harris Changed The Course Of World History appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/from-the-war-of-1812-to-the-civil-rights-movement-here-are-7-times-kamala-harris-changed-the-course-of-world-history/
In Another Despicable Act Of Insurrection, Republicans Fail To Celebrate Biden’s Executive Orders
MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—In yet another act of despicable and violent insurrection, several Republican senators have refused to celebrate or even endorse Biden's brilliant executive orders. The post In Another Despicable Act Of Insurrection, Republicans Fail To Celebrate Biden’s Executive Orders appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-despicable-republicans-commit-yet-another-blatant-act-of-insurrection-by-failing-to-enthusiastically-praise-biden-executive-orders/
Bernie Buys Fourth Home With Meme Earnings
MediaNORWICH, VT—The nation has fallen in love with the now-famous picture of Bernie Sanders sitting grumpily and wearing big mittens at Biden's inauguration. After being turned into a widely-shared meme, the Vermont Senator is enjoying a massive windfall of cash from his meme earnings. After giving some to charity, he will be buying a fourth house, according to sources. The post Bernie Buys Fourth Home With Meme Earnings appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-buys-a-fourth-home-with-meme-earnings/
Biden Announces Rollback Of All Jobs Created By Trump
MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise announcement at the start of the week, President Biden revealed that, for the good of the country, he will be eliminating all jobs created by Trump.The post Biden Announces Rollback Of All Jobs Created By Trump appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-announces-rollback-of-all-jobs-created-by-trump/
Devil Requests Stimulus Funds To Widen The Road To Hell To Meet Increased Demand
MediaHELL—Satan, ruler of demons, upon hearing that stimulus funds are being given out freely to struggling individuals, businesses, and foreign countries, has sought to acquire some stimulus for himself. He realized that with these funds he could finally get around to expanding the path to Hell, and meet the rising demand.The post Devil Requests Stimulus Funds To Widen The Road To Hell To Meet Increased Demand appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/devil-requests-stimulus-funds-to-widen-the-road-to-hell-due-to-increased-traffic/
Bankrupted Hedge Fund Managers To Receive $600 Stimulus
MediaU.S.—Hedge fund managers nearly bankrupted by Redditors are desperately trying to fight back, but it's not looking good as the internet populist uprising continues. The post Bankrupted Hedge Fund Managers To Receive $600 Stimulus appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/bankrupted-hedge-fund-managers-to-receive-600-stimulus/
Man Brilliantly Debunks Incorrect Thing He Found Online With Another Incorrect Thing He Found Online
MediaGOSHEN, IN—The internet is a safer place today after local social media user Josh Drevelle heroically debunked a random thing he found online with another random thing he found online. According to reliable, fact-checked sources that can easily be found online, Josh first encountered this ridiculous opinion while scrolling through Facebook.The post Man Brilliantly Debunks Incorrect Thing He Found Online With Another Incorrect Thing He Found Online appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/man-brilliantly-debunks-random-thing-he-found-online-with-another-random-thing-he-found-online/
Dad Left In Charge Of Kids Frantically Googles 'What Do Children Eat?'
MediaTIERRASANTA, CA—Local father Carlos Maricio was briefly left in charge of his kids as his wife had to run to the store to buy groceries for the family for an hour or two.The post Dad Left In Charge Of Kids Frantically Googles 'What Do Children Eat?' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/dad-left-in-charge-of-kids-googles-what-do-human-children-eat/
Democrats Announce Lockdowns Can Be Lifted Now That We've Defeated The True Virus: Trump
MediaU.S.—Prominent Democrats from around the country declared in the days following the inauguration that severe lockdowns could be lifted now that the true virus had been defeated: Donald J. Trump, or as he is known in scientific circles, Trump-2016.The post Democrats Announce Lockdowns Can Be Lifted Now That We've Defeated The True Virus: Trump appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/newsom-we-can-lift-the-lockdown-now-that-the-true-virus-has-been-defeated-trump/
Twitter Releases New Community-Based Tool To Find Witches
MediaSALEM, MA—In a new, innovative way to handle the growing problem of witchcraft, Twitter's Salem division has now released a community-based tool, Witchwatch, to crowdsource witch identification.The post Twitter Releases New Community-Based Tool To Find Witches appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/salem-releases-new-community-based-tool-to-find-witches/
Congress To Retroactively Impeach All Previous Republican Presidents
MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has announced plans to retroactively impeach all previous Republican presidents.The post Congress To Retroactively Impeach All Previous Republican Presidents appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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https://babylonbee.com/news/congress-to-retroactively-impeach-all-previous-republican-presidents/
GameStop Announces That Due To Skyrocketing Stock, They Can Now Afford To Pay Up To 25 Cents For Your Used Games
MediaGRAPEVINE, TX—According to market experts, magical and mysterious forces have somehow pushed GameStop's stock price up by 680% in January alone. Because of this incredible windfall, Gamestop has announced they will soon be able to afford to pay gamers up to 25 whole cents for their used games, up from their traditional offering of 3 cents. The post GameStop Announces That Due To Skyrocketing Stock, They Can Now Afford To Pay Up To 25 Cents For Your Used Games appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/gamestop-announces-that-due-to-skyrocketing-stock-they-can-now-afford-to-pay-you-up-to-25-cents-for-your-used-game/
Journalists Justify Loudly Cheering On Biden As It’s Needed To Keep Him Awake
MediaWASHINGTON D.C.—There has been some controversy with the change in press coverage of the Biden Administration versus the Trump Administration, as the press seems to have exchanged their adversarial role and replaced it with long stretches of clapping and obnoxious cheering. Journalists justify this change in tone, though, saying that they need to loudly cheer on President Joe Biden in order to keep him awake.The post Journalists Justify Loudly Cheering On Biden As It’s Needed To Keep Him Awake appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/journalists-justify-loudly-cheering-on-biden-as-its-needed-to-keep-him-awake/
Family Carefully Times Trip To Church To Miss Opening Worship Set
MediaWOOD GROVE, OR—The Ryder family carefully timed their trip to church this Sunday so they would arrive late, but not too late -- just tardy enough to miss the opening worship set, and slip in for the sermon.The post Family Carefully Times Trip To Church To Miss Opening Worship Set appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/family-carefully-times-trip-to-church-to-miss-opening-worship-set/
'You Can Reopen Now!' Governor Newsom Shouts At Row Of Abandoned, Dilapidated Buildings
MediaLOS ANGELES, CA—In a stunning reversal of almost a full year of devastating lockdowns that decimated California businesses, California Governor Gavin Newsom has decided to reverse them all and finally allow businesses to get back to work.The post 'You Can Reopen Now!' Governor Newsom Shouts At Row Of Abandoned, Dilapidated Buildings appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/you-can-reopen-now-newsom-shouts-at-a-row-of-abandoned-dilapidated-buildings/
Local Woman Excommunicated From Church After Bringing Kale Chips To Potluck
MediaST. ANNE, IL—As often as possible, the congregation of Calvary Baptist Church in St. Anne, IL gets together for a potluck supper in the church’s basement. The Sunday afternoon affair is a highlight for many of the faithful church members in the farming community. However, a recent gathering moved from feasting and fellowship to a time of church discipline after Rose Marie Baker, a longtime member of the church, brought a batch of homemade kale chips to the meal. According to the church’s bylaws, kale, also referred to as “the devil’s lettuce,” is strictly forbidden at any church functions and personal consumption of the plant is discouraged.The post Local Woman Excommunicated From Church After Bringing Kale Chips To Potluck appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/local-woman-excommunicated-from-church-after-bringing-kale-chips-to-potluck/
Biden: 'If You're Not Okay With Women Aborting Their Babies, Then You Ain't Catholic!'
MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden doubled-down on his Catholic faith and his pro-abortion policies Sunday. “Let me be clear,” he said to reporters as he exited Trinity Catholic Church in Georgetown. “If you’re not okay with women aborting their babies, then you ain’t Catholic, Jack!”The post Biden: 'If You're Not Okay With Women Aborting Their Babies, Then You Ain't Catholic!' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-if-youre-not-in-favor-of-women-aborting-their-babies-then-you-aint-catholic/
Triple-Masker Looks Down On People Who Only Double Mask
MediaU.S.—Health experts are now recommending that people double mask -- place a second mask over the first mask -- to better protect themselves from the virus, or maybe to protect others from themselves possibly having the virus (it’s still kind of unclear). Many are denouncing this recommendation, especially triple-maskers, who find it wholly inadequate.The post Triple-Masker Looks Down On People Who Only Double Mask appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/triple-masker-looks-down-on-people-who-only-double-mask/
In Hard-Hitting Press Conference, Press Demands To Know Biden's Favorite Disney Princess
MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—In a brutal press conference this morning, courageous journalists asked hard-hitting questions of the incoming administration. In one particularly tense interview, Press Secretary Jen Psaki was forced to reveal President Biden's favorite Disney Princess. The post In Hard-Hitting Press Conference, Press Demands To Know Biden's Favorite Disney Princess appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/In-Hard-Hitting-Press-Conference-Press-Demands-To-Know-Biden-Favorite-Disney-Princess/
Man Desperately Searches Bible For That Verse Where Jesus Commands Christians To Be On The Right Side Of History
MediaCHICAGO, IL—Local church-goer Casey Martino is frantically thumbing through his Bible, desperately looking for that one verse where Jesus commands his followers to "always be on the right side of history." The post Man Desperately Searches Bible For That Verse Where Jesus Commands Christians To Be On The Right Side Of History appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
via The Babylon Bee
https://babylonbee.com/news/christian-desperately-searches-bible-for-that-verse-where-jesus-commands-us-to-be-on-the-right-side-of-history/
