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👌 5 Times Mentally Strong People Give Themselves Permission to Quit
Mentally strong people don't give up after their first failure. But they do know when to walk away.
Unless you're talking about smoking, no one wants to be known as a quitter. In fact, there's such a cloud of shame associated with quitting that some people insist on persevering at all costs.
But, quite often, the refusal to quit doesn't stem from mental strength. Instead, someone might keep going because he's acting tough.
Whether you declared you were going to run a marathon or you said you were going to pay off your house in five years, there are times when quitting could be the wisest thing you could do.
Here are five times mentally strong people give themselves permission to quit work on a goal:
1. When their goals have changed.
Mentally strong people challenge themselves to become better. And that means their priorities shift and their goals change. So to make room for bigger and better goals, they abandon their old ones.
If you find yourself stuck in a certain place in life, you might not be quitting often enough. As you grow and change, you should be outgrowing some of your old goals and adopting ones that will challenge you to reach your greatest potential.
2. When the process doesn't align with their values.
If the steps required to reach a goal don't align with a mentally strong person's values, they'll put on the brakes. They know that living according to their values is the key to living a successful life.
The hard work, dedication, and commitment it may take to reach a goal could mean less time with your family, less energy for other endeavors, and fewer opportunities to pursue the things that matter most. Don't disregard your values to prove to yourself--or anyone else--that you can achieve your goal.
3. When the reward isn't worth the effort.
Mentally strong people ask themselves whether the reward is worth the effort required to achieve their goals. They're not ashamed to give up when the end goal doesn't justify the time or energy it takes to achieve it.
Whether you set out to lose 15 pounds or you wanted to earn $100 more a month, your goal might not sound all that difficult on the surface. But when you start taking steps to reach those goals, you might find the process is more cumbersome than you envisioned. Don't feel compelled to keep going at all costs because you're too afraid to step away from your goal.
4. When they've dug themselves into a hole.
Mentally strong people know that the only thing worse than being on a sinking ship is staying on board until it's completely sunk. They acknowledge when things aren't going well and they're willing to walk away before things get worse.
Whether you've invested a lot of money in a business that isn't profitable, or you've devoted endless hours to a project that no longer seems viable, it can be tempting to keep going. But saying "I've invested this much--I might as well keep going" doesn't make much sense. Know when to cut your losses and walk away.
5. When the cost outweighs the benefit.
Mentally strong people calculate the risk associated with reaching their goals. They monitor the costs and they're willing to step away when the cost outweighs the benefit.
How to make the decision to quit.
Quitting your goals shouldn't be a decision you take lightly, nor one that you make out of haste. Feeling tired, frustrated, or disappointed doesn't mean you should give up.
Make the decision with a careful balance of your emotion and your logic. Take time to consider the pros and the cons of continuing versus the pros and the cons of quitting.
Just remember that quitting doesn't mean you're a failure. Giving up on one goal could actually be a steppingstone to your future success.
🌱 4 Signs You Love Someone Who Doesn't Deserve You
You never appreciate what you have until it is gone sometimes. Some people never appreciate you even when you are gone. They are so self-serving and self-centered that anything that isn’t of direct and immediate benefit to them does not even appear on their radar. They are so in love with themselves that there is none left over for you. No matter how hard you try, no matter how flexible or understanding you are and no matter how much you love them, they will never ever change who they are. They will not magically wake up some day and fully appreciate what a wonderful person they are with.
They will never embrace your love and reciprocate it because after their enormous love of self, they have nothing left over for you. All of their time, interest, love and affections are turned inward on themselves. Like a black hole, they suck you in and devour the emotions of everyone around them.
Here are 4 signs that they don’t deserve you:
1. They Lie To You and Cheat On You
They break your trust and they lie to you. They never tell you where they are going or who they are seeing. They are living a double life and using you to support the other. They lie to you because you are not important to them. Only they are important to themselves. Everyone else is to be used and discarded in order to further their pleasure. They don’t love you enough to be honest with you and they are not considerate enough to end one relationship before starting another.
2. They Are Takers and Not Givers
People in a mutually loving relationship, to some extent, are givers. They give their time, resources, love and space to their partners. With a giver, everyone is taken care of and happy. With a taker, only one half of the relationship is giving everything while the other partner mooches off them. Like a black hole, they suck in resources and give nothing back in return. It is a one way street with them. It is either their way or the highway. You need someone who can accept that you are your own person with your own desires, emotions and needs. You need someone who gives back to the relationship more than they take away from it.
3. They Belittle You
They are so wrapped up in their own life and desires that you are unimportant in their internal world. Most of the time, that is kept inside their own heads. When they are emotionally unstable or upset, that lack of respect leaks through in belittling comments. It is one thing to tease your partner a bit and be teased in return, but when they are mean-spirited comments solely intended to hurt you, it is time to go. Someone who loves and respects you isn’t going to tear you down and they certainly would never think of doing it in front of other people. A black hole, however, will tear you apart and break you down because that is in their nature.
4. They Cannot Be Counted On
They cannot be counted on to support you or to be where they are supposed to be, when they are supposed to be. These black holes live in their own world and cannot see past their own massive ego. They will forget important dates. They will miss special activities like your children’s sporting events or plays because they are wrapped up their world. If you need them, they will not be there for you because it is an inconvenience to them. You need someone you can count on to be there when it matters. You are there for them, so why can’t they be there for you?
because your significant other has been arrested in a prostitution sting.
Being told by a doctor that you’ve got an STD, and knowing that you’ve only been sexual with your spouse.
5. Your history of relationship safety.
The degree and duration of your reactions to infidelity may be driven as much by your childhood trauma and past relationship history as by what is occurring in the present. Essentially, if you were abused, neglected, or otherwise traumatized in the past (by parents , siblings, teachers, or former lovers), your sense of relationship safety may be compromised, leading to what— on the surface—seems like one overreaction after another. (You may find yourself reacting to past traumas as well as your current situation.)
Next Steps
Regardless of the above factors, shock is an almost universal reaction to learning about infidelity. In part, this stems from the fact that while your partner has known about his or her behavior for a long time, you are just now finding out. And even if you had an inkling that infidelity might be occurring, you may be shocked to learn that your suspicions were true, and by the extent of the betrayal.
As a comparison, think about a lingering illness. For a few months you feel unwell. You’re tired, and there’s a pesky cough that just won’t seem to go away. Eventually, you go to the doctor, hoping for antibiotics that will clear things up. Instead, after careful examination, you are hit with the news that you have a life-threatening illness. Even if you suspected deep down that you might have a serious problem, you still feel blindsided when you learn about it.
That's what it feels like when you find out about your partner’s infidelity. So is it any wonder that you would respond with fear, rage, and insecurity? It shouldn’t be, because infidelity is a violation of emotional intimacy and trust perpetrated by the one person you never thought would cause you pain.
In a future post, I will discuss the longer-term aftermath of relationship infidelity—the emotional roller coaster that betrayed partners typically experience, and how long this very rough ride tends to last.
👌 Expert Advice,LLc.
👌 Life Is What Happens on the Way to the Finish Line
“I’m looking forward to getting my life back.” That was my quick response when a friend asked me how I felt about my book deadline. “…getting my life back.” What kind of reflection was that on the previous nine months of my life? Was all that time I’d spent (intensely) focused on creating something meaningful , was that not my life , the life that I’ve worked my whole life to choose?
Making things for other people expands you. After nine+ months of pulling ideas from the ethers and stitching them into this dimension, there’s no way I would be the same person as when I started. The life I had before wouldn’t fit anymore. I didn’t really want it back.
“Actually, you know,” I decided to correct myself, “This is my life right now. And it’s weird, and I love it. And I looked forward to this. So, ya, I’m right here.” After a long time of tight-roping from project to project, I felt like I climbed off the wire and started walking on the ground–where the rest of my life was.
Life is what happens on the way to the finish line.
Your finish lines are the exclamation point on how you’ve been living.
The training, the making, the building, the learning, it’s not “preparation for tomorrow”, it’s your life today. The life you’re choosing. And if you’re not loving what it feels like between destinations, then get off the ride. Burn the itinerary. F-ck “motivation” and be still long enough to find your inspiration.
Because finish lines are always moving. And you’re a different person by the time you cross them.
And in between desire and manifestation is right now.
» By : Miss Help «
The One Time You Shouldn’t ‘Fake It Until You Make It’
One day, a client came into my office because she felt socially awkward. She knew her inability to make small talk was holding her back both personally and professionally.
As a shy person, she hated going to networking events. But making connections was vital to her career.
I asked her, “What do you usually do when you go to a networking event?” She said, “I stand awkwardly off to the side and wait to see if anyone will come talk to me.”
So I asked, “What would you be doing differently if you felt confident?” She said, “I’d initiate conversation and introduce myself to people.”
And right then and there, she discovered her own solution to the problem. If she wanted to feel more confident, she had to act more confident.
Of course, that wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She had hoped I’d have a magic wand that would make her feel more confident now. But the key to becoming more comfortable in social situations was practice.
Her instinct was to wait until she felt more confident. But confidence wasn’t going to magically appear out of thin air—especially if she was standing around by herself.
If however, she started talking to people like a confident person, she’d have an opportunity to experience successful social interactions. And each successful interaction is what would boost her confidence.
Acting “As If”
“Acting as if” is a common practice prescribed in psychotherapy. It’s based on the idea that if you behave like the person you want to become, you’ll make it a reality.
Here are a few examples:
👉If you want to feel happier, do what happy people do—smile.
👉If you want to get more work done, act as if you are a productive person.
👉If you want to have more friends, behave like a friendly person.
👉If you want to improve your relationship, practice being a good partner.
Too often, we hesitate to spring into action. Instead, we want to wait until everything feels just right or until we think we’re ready. But research shows changing your behavior first can change the way you think and feel.
The Biggest Mistake Most People Make
Faking it until you make it only works when you correctly identify something within yourself that’s holding you back. Behaving like the person you want to become should be about changing the way you feel and changing the way you think.
If your motives are to prove your worth to other people, your efforts won’t be successful. Research shows that approach actually backfires.
A study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that people who tried to prove their worth to others were more likely to dwell on their shortcomings. Ambitious professionals who wore luxury clothing in an effort to appear successful and MBA students who wore Rolex watches to increase their self-worth, ended up feeling like bigger failures.
Even worse, their attempts to project an image of success impaired their self-control. They struggled to resist temptation when they tried to prove that they were successful. Putting so much effort into “faking it” used up their mental resources and interfered with their ability to make good choices.
How to “Fake It” the Right Way
‘Acting as if’ doesn’t mean you have to be phony or inauthentic. Instead, it’s about changing your behavior first, and trusting the feelings will follow.
As long as your motivation is in the right place, faking it until you make it can be an effective way to make your goals become reality. Just make sure you’re interested in changing yourself on the inside, not simply trying to change other people’s perceptions of you.
📍 By: Jerry
👉🏻 4 Most Important Things in Life!
1.Take Care Of Your Health:
Poor health will both reduce the time you have in this world and your ability to live the life you always wanted. Therefore, make good choices for yourself. If you want to live for a long time, with a mind and body that can take you where you want to go, you must take care of your health now. Most people only realize the importance of their health when it’s gone. You are capable of influencing your health. Start loving your body. You only have one!
2. Invest In Your Relationships:
Spend quality time with people you love. You must invest in your relationships to make them flourish and grow. Some people don’t have great relationships because they don’t allow themselves the time for what’s really important. People with strong relationships live longer, stay healthier and have a better life. Strengthen a relationship today!
3. Have A Positive View Of Yourself:
How you view yourselves is the foundation on which your life is built.
When you don’t have a positive self-view you compare yourselves to others, feel insecure and always wonder about the opinion of others. You also make choices based on other people’s expectations rather than on what you truly feel is right for you. You start to disconnect from yourself and lose your power. Having a positive self-view means accepting yourself for who you are and what you believe in. It means having the courage necessary to make your own decisions and live your authentic life.
It takes courage to be the REAL YOU !
4. Live Your Purpose and Dreams:
What do you want to do with your life? You only get one life.
The purpose of my life is to feel good and do good.
Why are you here on Earth? Dreams are messages sent to you so you know what to do with your life. Learn to listen to your instincts.
Dreams must be pursued! If you have a positive view of yourself – miracles will occur.
“If you take responsibility for yourself, you will develop a hunger to accomplish your dreams.” .
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💧 What To Do When You Feel Like a Failure
Believe in yourself and your failures won’t feel so big.
The result is always the same – every time you fall short of achieving your goal, you fall back to being self-critical. Then it’s difficult, if not impossible, to let go of all that negativity, which is a serious drain on your motivation . getting to know yourself well can not only inform you about what you need to do to change, but it can also open you up to approaching yourself in a more positive way. Sometimes, though, people need to do more to help boost their morale. They need to directly build self-acceptance.
When people hold a negative perception of themselves, it is not surprising that they feel quickly defeated when faced with challenges. Each obstacle, mistake, or failure can seem like proof of what they already know – that they won’t succeed and that they are not okay. If this describes you, it is important that you prioritize learning to value yourself.
Focus on valuing who you are, not what you do. When people look to their accomplishments to validate that they are worthy, their sense of feeling good about themselves rides on those accomplishments. So, if you perform well, you will feel good about yourself. If you perform poorly, your will feel less worthy. But you are more than your accomplishments. Just as every infant is born into this world as a worthy human being, you are worthy just for being you.
You can achieve this sense of self-acceptance by looking both within yourself and to your relationships:
The power within you: Research has shown that when people reflect upon their “true selves” (including traits they believe they have even if they don’t show them), they gain a greater sense of well-being and perceive more meaning in their lives.
You can test this out by arranging for some undisturbed time to think about your values and those traits that you feel characterize “the real you.” When you imagine expressing them, they will feel “right.” After some time thinking about this, reflect on how you feel about yourself. (You might even want to pause and do this right now.) You will most likely find that you feel good about yourself. This is the feeling you want to nurture.
Make a daily practice of doing this exercise in benign and positive circumstances – not in the middle of an emotional crisis. With time, you will find that you feel better about yourself (that you have greater self-acceptance) even when life is not working out as planned.
The power of relationships: People are social creatures and relationships offer us support in both practical and emotional ways. In health relationships, others generally view you positively – even though they might have different opinions than you or be upset with you about specific situations. By being open to their positive ways of perceiving you and their good feelings about you, you are nurturing a greater sense of self-acceptance.
You might find it helpful to identify truly supportive and compassionate friends – those who express a positive regard for you. Pick one person and think about what they seem to value about you. If you don’t know, consider asking that person directly. As you think about this, allow yourself to really take in the positive messages. If you find yourself rejecting the message, remind yourself that they really do see you in these ways. Then, once again, practice allowing yourself to take in the positive feedback. Once you can let it sink in, go through this process for each friend.
You may find this exercise surprisingly difficult to do. But stick with it. Practice it regularly until you feel more comfortable with being seen in a positive light… until you also can see yourself positively.
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🔹 How to See Challenges as Opportunities
Don't think you can stay in your comfort zone and keep learning
In everyday life we will be faced every so often with important decisions such as whether to take on a new challenge, like applying for a new job or starting a new course. Taking on such challenges is an important part of growing and developing as a person. The more we can test our limits and capabilities the more we will learn about ourselves. New challenges are opportunities for us.
However, we don't always see it like that.
The downside is that when we take on new challenges we also have to face the possibility of failure. Rather than seeing the opportunity in the situation we focus on what it will be like to fail.
As a result, embarking on a new challenge can be frightening. The fear of failure can be too much to bear. So we avoid the challenge and carry on down the same path we were on. We make some excuse to ourselves so that we can stay in our comfort zone.
But the truth is that staying in your comfort zone out of fear is not always exactly comfortable. By avoiding challenge, we don’t have the opportunities to learn about ourselves. We feel trapped as if we were leading a life that is not true to ourselves. We are plagued by discomfort, anxiety and the niggling sense that things are not quite right.
There are times and places when we might want to avoid a challenge for good realistic reasons. The trouble comes when we don’t know that we are making excuses. We are frightened of what other people might say and maybe also of what we might learn about ourselves. So we tell ourselves that is a not a good time or the right opportunity, but it is actually our fear talking.
To lead an authentic life, we need to take on new challenges that stretch us and give us more opportunities to be ourselves. It is not that the authentic person does not feel the same fear but they are willing to face their fear.
Authentic people won’t let their path in life be dictated by what others think. They are open to new experiences and cherish the challenges of learning about themselves, but they know that it is like crossing a river on stepping stones - there is always the possibility of getting wet.
The question is not how to lead a life in which we never feel the fear of failure but rather how do we move forward despite our fear. Are we able to transform our fear into an enthusiasm to engage with the new challenge and learn from it?
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〽️ 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do
Mentally strong people have healthy habits. They manage their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in ways that set them up for success in life.
1. They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves
Mentally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them. Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.
2. They Don’t Give Away Their Power
They don’t allow others to control them, and they don’t give someone else power over them. They don’t say things like, “My boss makes me feel bad,” because they understand that they are in control over their own emotions and they have a choice in how they respond.
3. They Don’t Shy Away from Change
Mentally strong people don’t try to avoid change. Instead, they welcome positive change and are willing to be flexible. They understand that change is inevitable and believe in their abilities to adapt.
4. They Don’t Waste Energy on Things They Can’t Control
You won’t hear a mentally strong person complaining over lost luggage or traffic jams. Instead, they focus on what they can control in their lives. They recognize that sometimes, the only thing they can control is their attitude.
5. They Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone
Mentally strong people recognize that they don’t need to please everyone all the time. They’re not afraid to say no or speak up when necessary. They strive to be kind and fair, but can handle other people being upset if they didn’t make them happy.
6. They Don’t Fear Taking Calculated Risks
They don’t take reckless or foolish risks, but don’t mind taking calculated risks. Mentally strong people spend time weighing the risks and benefits before making a big decision, and they’re fully informed of the potential downsides before they take action.
7. They Don’t Dwell on the Past
Mentally strong people don’t waste time dwelling on the past and wishing things could be different. They acknowledge their past and can say what they’ve learned from it. They live for the present and plan for the future.
8. They Don’t Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over
They accept responsibility for their behavior and learn from their past mistakes. As a result, they don’t keep repeating those mistakes over and over. Instead, they move on and make better decisions in the future.
9. They Don’t Resent Other People’s Success
Mentally strong people can appreciate and celebrate other people’s success in life. They don’t grow jealous or feel cheated when others surpass them. Instead, they recognize that success comes with hard work, and they are willing to work hard for their own chance at success.
10. They Don’t Give Up After the First Failure
They don’t view failure as a reason to give up. Instead, they use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve. They are willing to keep trying until they get it right.
11. They Don’t Fear Alone Time
Mentally strong people can tolerate being alone and they don’t fear silence. They aren’t afraid to be alone with their thoughts and they can use downtime to be productive. They enjoy their own company and aren’t dependent on others for companionship and entertainment all the time but instead can be happy alone.
12. They Don’t Feel the World Owes Them Anything
They don’t feel entitled to things in life. They weren’t born with a mentality that others would take care of them or that the world must give them something. Instead, they look for opportunities based on their own merits.
13. They Don’t Expect Immediate Results
Whether they are working on improving their health or getting a new business off the ground, mentally strong people don’t expect immediate results. Instead, they apply their skills and time to the best of their ability and understand that real change takes time.
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🌴 8 Things to Remember When You Fail
Why does failure cause some people to give up on their dreams and others to pursue their goal even harder than before? It depends on how you approach a setback; failure can be part of the long road to success—but only if you think about it in a way that’s productive.
Beating yourself up over a lack of success or declaring yourself a hopeless cause leads to unhelpful feelings, like shame and resentment. And it can lead to unproductive behavior, like staying inside your comfort zone.
The key to recovering from failure is changing the way you think so that you’re able to turn your biggest setbacks into your best comebacks. Here are eight healthy ways to think about failure:
1. Even though things didn’t work out the way I wanted, I’m still OK.
Turning a failure into a catastrophe isn’t helpful. Keep failure in proper perspective and choose to be grateful for what you have. Whether it’s your health or having a roof over your head, there are always things to be thankful for.
2. Failure is proof I’m pushing myself to my limits.
You could live a safe and boring life that is relatively free of failure if you wanted. But, if you want to become a better version of yourself, you’re need to do things that might cause you to fail. Falling down is evidence that you’re trying hard to accomplish something.
3. I will focus on the things I can control.
Failure isn’t always personal. Just because you didn’t get that promotion doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. Instead, it might mean you were competing against someone more qualified. Focus on the things you can control—like doing your best—and focus less on the outcomes that you can’t control—like whether you’ll get hired.
4. Failing feels uncomfortable, but I can handle it.
Doubting your ability to handle embarrassment, shame, or regret makes the pain of failure last longer. Remind yourself that you can handle failure, and you’ll be more likely to deal with the discomfort it may cause you in a productive manner.
5. Failure is a verb, not a noun.
Just because you fail doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Everyone succeeds at some things and not at others. Remind yourself of the successes you have had in other areas of your life.
6. Failure is an opportunity to sharpen my skills.
If everything came easy, you wouldn’t have the opportunity to learn new things. Each time you fail, you can learn something new. Whether you discover a new solution to an old problem or you gain more insight, failure can help you do better next time.
7. Recovering from failure can make me stronger.
Each time you bounce back from problems and rise above obstacles, you grow mentally stronger. Failure can show you that you’re tougher than you think and you can handle more than you imagine. Each time you fail, you build mental muscle.
8. I’ve overcome tough things before. I can do it again.
Recalling the times when you’ve rebounded in the past can help you feel equipped to deal with failure again. Draw upon the knowledge, tools, and talents you’ve used before and remind yourself that you have the capability to bounce back.
» Written by: Amy Morin «
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#motivation
The good you do today
🎈Before you respond to anything that happens, consider this. Does your response diminish life, or does it enhance, support and encourage all of life to move forward?
Instead of worrying, take positive action. Instead of complaining, take positive action.
You won’t make progress by scolding others about their poor choices. You’ll be much more effective when you demonstrate by example how to put better choices into action.
Get clear about what matters to you, about all you love and value. Then act affirmatively to support it all.
Every moment is an opportunity to live with meaningful, positive intention. In every situation you can deepen your commitment to your highest values by putting those values in to action.
Increase hope for the future by the way you live in the present. And position yourself to look forward to tomorrow because of the good you do today.
Written by: Ralph Marston
🖋 The Power of Silence
Silence is an underutilized communication tool.
In conversation, we underestimate the power of silence. Some examples:
Your client or customer has just stopped talking but you sense there’s more s/he could say. Would you be more likely to get a response if you remained silent or asked if s/he wanted to say more? I believe silence is better if only because the person feels less pushed.
You’ve just said something. Imagine that the person remained silent for a moment before responding rather than jumping right in. Wouldn't you prefer that? It suggests s/he is digesting what you’re saying or is more interested in learning if you have more to say rather than being eager for you to finish so s/he can say something. Indeed, it’s a useful rule of thumb to wait one second after someone's significant utterance. I must admit that I rarely have the restraint to do so.
Your supervisee said he'd get the report to you by Monday when he knew you wanted it sooner. Which do you think would yield more benefit: looking him in the eye in silence or saying, "You know I wanted it by Friday?" The silence conveys your displeasure but with less likelihood of triggering a defensive response or antipathy toward you.
You're at a flea market and see an item you like and asked the vendor for his best price. He says, "$20." Do you think you'll get a better response by looking at him disappointedly in silence and starting to turn away or by saying, "Can't you do better than that?" I think the former.
Your conversation partner has just said something that angered you. Would you be wiser to respond or to remain silent? Silence lets you cool down and gives the person a moment to reconsider and say something kinder. If you lash back, it’s more likely to ratchet up the tension and to create more heat than light.
You’re watching a play. An actor has said something important. His acting partner can jump in or remain silent, looking the person in the eye. Which makes you more eager to hear the response? A pregnant pause yields dramatic tension. That’s useful whether you’re an actor or in conversation.
If you’re uncomfortable allowing a silence for fear it could make you seem stupid or that you’re capitulating to the other person's position, you might say, “May I take a moment to think about what you said?”
The takeaway
So, consider more often pulling the Silence Tool out of your tool kit.
⚜ Should I Stay or Should I Go?
This relationship question burdens countless people
Countless people struggle with the answer to this most daunting question. As our relationship hangs on the precipice of making this decision, how we go about making the "right" choice is critical. Committed relationships are typically fraught with challenges and much emotional and psychological upheaval. Yet, these challenges are rife with opportunity at the same time. The opportunity is for our individual growth, and possibly, the growth of the partnership. Let's look at what's necessary for making an enlightened decision about the future of our relationship.
Anger
We should never make any life-altering decision from anger. Our wrath may feel justifiable and we need to appropriately express our feelings, but beneath the anger lays deeper and more authentic emotions , such as fear , sadness or pain. Try getting in touch with your more vulnerable feelings and take the risk of expressing them to your partner. Articulating what feels vulnerable is not weak; it's just the opposite. It's authentic. Love can flourish with vulnerable communication. Defending against our hurt feelings erects a barrier to true emotional intimacy.
When two individuals communicate their vulnerable side to each other, so much becomes revealed. It's where our genuine self resides and it needs to be heard. If your partner is the "right" partner they'll be listening and caring when you reveal your softer side. If they turn a deaf ear, you may have your answer.
Fear
Critical choices are often made or avoided from our fear of the consequences. I've seen numerous marriages remain intact due to a multitude of fears: being alone, concern for the children or financial consequences. Staying in a relationship because of fear is often ruinous for it imprisons the future vitality of the relationship. Resentment and anger are the byproducts of staying in a relationship due to fear, as both people stop hoping for a better tomorrow. And they therefore stop trying.
We often worry about the consequences of our actions. We should also contemplate the consequences of our inactions. Work through your limiting fears and you'll be in a clearer place to come to your decision.
Am I part of the problem?
Can I say I've looked at my part in the relationship struggle and tried to see myself as my partner sees me? Have I moved past the right vs. wrong debate and tried to empathize with how they feel? Have I engaged in couple's therapy and/or individual therapy? Have I tried to be the change that I'm seeking in them? If your answer is yes, then you may be ready to make your choice.
Ultimately a primary purpose of a relationship should be to enhance your life. Hopefully your union began that way. Over time the challenges that relationships stir up may cause us to feel diminished. This in turn fuels frustration and resentment and the energy of your relationship spirals downward.
To turn the tide of negativity in your relationship try to shift the energy that you're both experiencing. In the downward spiral of negativity, our reactions and criticism of each other quicken. When a client shares with me in therapy a positive feeling they had about their partner and I inquire if they shared that with the other person, the answer is typically no. Criticizing and blaming each other become familiar, but ironically if we have a warm or positive feeling about the other, we resort to silence. Come out of the rut you're stuck in and present your best self. If you partner is "right" for you, they'll do the same.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
can envision.
So now, when I find myself wanting to make a wish for someone else, I simply ask the Universe to work things out in a way that would serve the person’s highest good. I wish for the best possible outcome, the one that will ultimately bring them the most happiness, health, abundance and love.
When I looked back at the birthday girl that day, I could see the despair in her eyes. I had a feeling what her wish may have been. I started to say a silent prayer that her wish would come true, but then I remembered this friend from years ago, the lesson it taught me and instead, I asked for something else.
I wish for the situation to resolve itself for the highest good for everyone involved.
Sometimes the best you can do is simply wish for the best.
📍 : Jerry
it may trigger another depressive episode.👌
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⚡️ Toxic Employee: Stop It or Leave
You can ignore toxic workplace behavior, but it won't go away.
The labels may vary, but regardless of specifics they usually spell trouble.
I’m talking about toxic employees, workers who prey on other employees, fight management at every turn or create an atmosphere that is negative, counterproductive and anything but positive.
There are layers and layers to this discussion, far more than we have room for here. But the simple story is that people affect other people. At work, negative behavior can be someone who is always sniping at management, badmouthing other staff members or just putting out a bad vibe.
All of us impact the emotions of those around us. We’ve all seen how happiness spreads from a person to his friends, to his friends’ friends, and then to their friends and onward. It’s like a Facebook post that is shared and shared again.
Negative actions spread the same way. A seemingly small act of rudeness can ripple across communities, affecting people in the network, even if they’re not directly connected. It’s crucial that employees and managers recognize and deal with toxic employees quickly.
Whenever possible, confront a toxic individual in private. Unless the toxic behavior occurs in public and you have no other environment in which to respond, a public put down can make the toxic employee even more hostile and perhaps aggressive, which will aggravate the situation. The goal is to convince this person that you "carry a big stick" and are not a passive target. Toxic employees will continue their behavior until somebody shuts them down.
I should note that some people may be unaware how negative they are and how it impacts those around them. This is why a could first step is to address the issue in private first. Some people just vent, and their negative behavior is simply a reflection of inner turmoil. In some cases, letting them know their impact and asking them to stop may be enough.
If the behavior occurs in front of others—in a meeting or where others are certain to hear—it can be best to confront the person then and there. If you or another worker says something that draws a nasty comment, even something almost whispered, you can often stop the behavior then and there.
Say you call for a meeting the next day and the “Negative Ned” or “Negative Nelly” mutters something about “more wasted time” or a similar sarcastic comment. Ask everyone present if they believe the meeting will be wasted time. Likely they’ll say “No.” Then you can turn to the toxic employee and say, “Apparently you’re the only one who believes that.” If at any point you don’t quite get the answer you want, simply explain why you believe the meeting is necessary. Usually, such confrontation is enough to shock the toxic employee into a public withdrawal.
It can take great inner strength to face down someone who’s really negative, but the showdown is necessary. When a staffer is that obnoxious or aggressive, the only solution is taking him or her on. Most management problems will not go away through neglect; in fact, they will almost always get worse.
If the negative behavior continues, treat it like any other disciplinary matter. Give the individual a warning. Tell them, "It is unacceptable to make hurtful or inappropriate comments. Our office has standards and expectations for professional treatment. Continue this behavior and further disciplinary action, up to and including termination will result."
📍 How to Find your Passion – It’s Not Where You Think!
A piece of advice we often hear when it comes to being successful and feeling a sense of fulfillment in life is to “follow our passion.” But before you can follow your passion, you have to find it. So where do you look for it? How do you really discover what you are deeply passionate about?
You may have sought out clues to your passion in things like personality inventories, self-help books or career assessment tests. Or perhaps you are considering your hobbies or looking back to things you enjoyed as a kid to gather some clues about what you love. And although those places may offer you great insight into your passion, today I am encouraging you to look for your passion somewhere else: in your suffering.
What do I mean by this?
Well, the original definition of the wordPASSION is actually SUFFERING. Over time, we have evolved the word passion to mean: “love; a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept.”
So the word passion means two things: suffering and love. There is key information in this.
Most of the people I know who are truly doing something they are incredibly passionate about were inspired by their own suffering. Myself included!
I encourage you to put away the personality tests, books, and advice from others for a moment and examine your own life to discover the key to your passion.
Your passion is within you. It is not something you need to seek out. Spend some time looking at how you have experienced suffering in your life. What have been the challenges? What has been difficult for you? Are there certain patterns or trends you notice? Are there themes or threads like feeling abandoned, unworthy, or isolated?
After you have investigated your experience of suffering, answer these questions:
✍What has been the overall theme of experiences and/or feelings where you have experienced suffering?
✍What did you learn from these experiences?
✍What were they teaching you?
✍What insights have you gathered from your suffering when you look at it from an empowered (rather than victim) perspective – meaning without judgment or thinking any of it was wrong?
✍What actions (inner and outer) have you taken to heal your suffering and move into compassion and forgiveness?
✍If you could talk to your younger self who went through the suffering, what message would you have for him or her?
Your suffering is full of clues in terms of what you are here to learn and what you are here to SHARE. All of us come in with a message. We are all here to share, inspire and teach, but before we do that we have to be a students of our own lives.
Just like we’ve evolved the word passion from suffering to love, see how you can evolve and awaken that passion inside of you by reframing suffering. When you truly understand that EVERYTHING that has happened in your life has been for your highest good, you will naturally be called to serve rather than experience any suffering. And we serve through sharing our lessons and blessings. This service does not necessarily need to translate to a career. As we evolve from suffering to love, we naturally feel more passionate about everything in our life no matter what our job may be. We see that true passion is love. Loving who we are, loving what we do, loving each other and sharing love wherever we go.
Have deep reverence for all the suffering you have endured in life. It has all been in service to you learning the unique lessons and insights you are here to express. Love it ALL and I assure you that you will find and uncover your passion.
Sexual Infidelity: The Post-Discovery Short-Term Aftermath
What happens when you find out your partner cheated?
When you, a deeply committed spouse, find out about your partner’s sexual infidelity , it’s the emotional equivalent of being hit by a truck. You’re hurt, bruised, angry, and broken. And you tend to react accordingly, with bouts of fear , rage , tears, vindictiveness, pleading, placating, and all sorts of other highly emotional responses. Moreover, you may move from one reaction to another with no warning or provocation. Frankly, your response can look and feel a little crazy to you and your cheating mate.
To understand your reactions, it helps to first understand the true nature of infidelity. Put simply, the pain caused by infidelity has little to do with any actual sexual act. Instead, the pain centers on lying , manipulation, and keeping secrets. In other words, the deep pain you feel as a betrayed partner stems not from a particular sexual act, but from the psychological distancing and loss of relationship trust.
Think of it this way: Your best friend, emotional confidant, lover, financial partner, co-parent, and compatriot in life snuck around and had sex with someone else, and then lied and kept that behavior secret, completely undermining your entire relationship. Ouch.
In a general sense, how you react after learning about a partner's infidelity depends on the following five factors:
1. What happened.
Surprisingly, this is the least important of the factors. In fact, you probably don’t really care if your partner’s cheating involved webcam masturbation , a strip club lap dance, or oral sex in a back alley. What matters is that your relationship vows were violated, and this violation was covered up and lied about. So no matter what sex acts occurred, you are likely, as a betrayed partner, to think or say, “How can I ever trust you again?”
2. The duration of the cheating.
Typically, a one-time sexual encounter is not as devastating as repeated infidelities or a long-term affair. This is because serial cheating and long-term affairs undercut everything that happened in your relationship while the infidelity was taking place. You may think or say, “All those times you said you loved me, you must have been lying.” Or, “That time we went to the winery and drank too much and made love in the car, were you really ‘with me’ or were you thinking about him (or her)?”
3. The identity of the infidelity partner.
Cheating with known individuals tends to be more hurtful than cheating with strangers. If your partner was sexual with someone you know, it will probably hurt more than if he or she was sexting with random people on hookup apps. If the outside partner happens to be someone you not only know but like and trust (like a friend or a sibling ), the betrayal is doubled—each layer of connection increases your pain.
4. How the cheating is discovered.
Most people think that if they're in a supposedly monogamous relationship with a cheater they'll automatically know it. They mistakenly think it's almost impossible to miss the signs of sexual infidelity. However, this is not necessarily the case. In fact, it is entirely possible, regardless of how many blatant clues were left, that you were completely unaware of what was happening. So finding out about the infidelity may have been a complete surprise and a slap in the face. And the way in which it was discovered can strengthen the blow. For instance, there is a huge difference between learning about infidelity when your remorseful spouse voluntarily confesses, and finding out in the following ways:
Walking in on your partner in flagrante delicto.
Getting an anonymous call, text, or email—most likely from an affair partner who is hoping to wreck your relationship and steal your spouse.
Hearing about the cheating from friends and neighbors who have clearly known about it for some time.
Getting a call from the police-
3 Ways to Stop Overthinking Immediately
The mind loves to think and it always seems to want your full focus. In fact, the mind sometimes resembles a five year old child – it wants it’s way and it never wants to sit still. Sometimes, it’s even so reckless that it makes us think and even say things we normally wouldn’t if we were in a more relaxed and quiet space.
If you allow your brain to continuously run a mile a minute without ever interjecting, it will only press on with the madness until you discover that your mind has slowly become a prison. Learning to take time quiet your mind, instead of destracting it, can be one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself. It seems so simple, yet it’s life changing.
3 Techniques to Stop Overthinking Immediately:
1. Connect with Nature.
If you don’t live or work in nature, than you need this the most. Take time to get out in nature. This could mean going on your lunch break in a nearby park, or going on a vacation to get away. Anything you can do to strengthen your bond with nature will greatly benefit your mind and stop overthinking immediately.
You can focus on the beauty in the trees, a leaf, a waterfall, the sky, mountains, a lake or whatever you gravitate towards. This will immediately stop your mind. When you allow yourself to do this, you will find that you will think more clearly throughout the day.
2. Repeat peaceful words to yourself.
Pay attention to your brain at this very moment…what kinds of thoughts do you observe? Most likely, you will notice that the majority of your thoughts center around what you have to do today, or what someone said that made you angry, or even degrading thoughts about yourself. Don’t feel bad, though; with so much negativity around us, maintaining a consistent positive mindset isn’t always easy. However, you can actually counter the negative words and over thinking with the repetition of peaceful words.
Anytime you notice you are overthinking or you feel anxiety or worry coming on, stop those thoughts in their track as soon as you realize it with calming words. Whatever words resonate with you better.
Examples are: Peace. Love. Light. It’s ok. Life is Good. I’m ok.
While this isn’t completely quieting your mind, it does stop overthinking, it will allow your mind to slow down and focus on what really matters in this moment. Words carry a lot of meaning and power, so use them to your advantage whenever you feel stressed out.
3. Meditate.
I suggest meditation a whole lot in this channel, but for good reason. When you meditate, you stop the flow of overthinking and negative thoughts bombarding your consciousness every second, and instead move into a space where stillness takes precedence.
While you don’t have to turn off your brain to meditate, many people feel that their thoughts slow down incredibly and overthinking stop immediately.
If you try it and find you still cannot stop thinking, try a guided meditation or yoga. These practices bring awareness into the body, and makes it much easier to cope with daily challenges.
If you want to stop overthinking and cultivate more peace in your life, these three habits done consistently will bring that. There are 1,440 minutes in a day, take atleast 10 minutes a day for one or all of these activities. You will find that overall, you will do less overthinking and feel more relaxed. In turn, you will be even more productive.
JOIN THE DICUSSION: Do you practice these habits daily? Do they work? Let us know, you could help someone else who is struggling with overthinking.
👌🏻 Expert Advice
Our passion is to serve and bring the best possible positive information, news, expertise and opinions to this channel. We want to help our community find and shine their inner light - the truth of love, light, and positivity that is within us all! Invite all your friends to this channel by forwading this message.
🌱 Joy, Money, and Flow: The Three Qualities of Purposeful Work
Lesson: There’s more than one possible path. Use the Joy-Money-Flow model to find the best one.
There are plenty of things you could do with your career, but the people who are most successful have found the perfect combination of joy, money, and flow. They’ve won the career lottery by finding this combination—and they don’t have to choose between their money and their life.
Above all else, finding the work you were meant to do should be your number one career goal.
Let’s break this down a bit more.
Joy: what you like to do.
“Do what you love” may be a tired phrase, but there’s hardly a better aspiration for a set of activities that take up to forty hours a week (or more) from the rest of our lives. It’s hard to be truly happy if you don’t fundamentally enjoy how you spend most of your time.
This doesn’t mean that every moment has to be amazing—even career lottery winners occasionally have to make photocopies and file expense reports. No one can do everything they love 100% of the time, but that’s not really the goal. Generally speaking, we want our work to “spark joy.” We want to be excited about it!
Money: what supports and sustains you.
In the search for your dream job or career, money is hardly a secondary concern. You have to make a living. If you have a family, you need to provide for them. In the career lottery, that ideal scenario we’re looking for, the work you do provides all the money you need to live comfortably. If it makes you rich, so much the better—there’s nothing wrong with being rich. But even if it doesn’t lead to a bulging bank account, it also shouldn’t lead to the poorhouse.
Money isn’t everything, in other words, but it’s hard to love your life if you’re constantly stressed about paying the bills on time.
Have you ever lost track of time when immersed in a project you love? Have you ever taken on a role that was paid—but you liked it so much, you would have gladly done it for free? We’ll call this condition flow: the art of maximizing skill and getting lost in something you’re really good at. This condition, like joy and money, is essential to our equation of “the work you were meant to do.”
There are lots of things we all could do somewhat well, or even pretty well. Flow work is different. You don’t do it somewhat well or even pretty well; you do it really well. It comes naturally and easy to you. Other people are impressed or even amazed by how effortlessly you seem to achieve great results. How does she do that? they wonder.
As is the case with joy, you don’t always need to be in flow mode. More likely, you’ll have periods of flow work interspersed throughout more regular periods of work. But just as you want work that “sparks joy” most of the time, You want to position yourself to be in the place of flow as much as possible.
When you’ve found your ideal combination, you’ll know it. It will feel like it was right there waiting for you all along. That’s the beauty of finding the work you were born to do.
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👌 Let the Love In. Because, “It’s an Honour to Help You.”
Heyyyy! This is a fresh, new post. I just finished my new book and I’m back here on the site with more Love than ever (and opinions) to give. Thanks for sticking around. xo
I was in a spiritual tizzy — that’s an esoteric term for 80% emotions-running-wild, and 20% having faith that everything will work out. I can’t remember what it was over (probably divorce papers, or a publishing contract, or buying a house. But it involved documents and beaucoup emotion.)
I sent a group text to my closest closies to the effect of: “ Sisters (and you one mister). I’m on the verge of nuts but awesome. Can you, for real, send prayers up for me this weekend? A meditation. A candle lit on your altar. Whatever feels right. Anything.” I let them know what I was praying for, and then I sent a sweet but obnoxious chain of individual “Thank you” “Thank you” “Thank you” texts. One at a time. For affect.
With IMMEDIATE enthusiasm, every friend texted back to say, Done! Doing it! Holding you in the Light! I love you! You got this!
And one friend sent me a photo of the candle she lit and the sacred object she placed on her altar for me. And she said something that made me stop and inhale the heat of my soft tears:
It’s an honour to help you.
Stopped me.
It’s an honour to help you.
Melted me.
It’s an honour to help you.
Had never occurred to me.
This declaration made poetry out of what I knew to be true: that most people want to help out, but more than that, they cherish the opportunity.
We all have a deep need to be helpful, it’s how the Soul gets its exercise.
It strengthens your heart, and it can be incredibly intimate. And when you really really love someone for who they are, it’s an honour to help them.
So please remember this when YOU need help. When you need someone to babysit so you can sit in a cafe and plan for your wildness to return. When you want someone to talk it through with you (but they’re mostly listening). When you hope someone will be your sacred yes and the one degree of separation you need to opportunity.
When you need back-up on your divine petitions, give someone the honour of lending you their faith.
👉🏽 5 Lessons for People Pleasers
... and why it's more important to stay true to your values.
People pleasers come in many forms. I’ve met business leaders who lost sleep because they were terrified of confrontation and I’ve seen parents struggle to maintain order in their homes because they didn't want their kids to be mad at them.
Their reasons for trying to make people happy vary. For some, it’s a learned behavior that originates in childhood . For others, the attempt to make everyone happy stems from the desire to be polite.
If you tend to say yes to things that you don’t want to do, or you avoid speaking up because you don’t want to upset anyone.
here are five things you should remember:
1. You aren’t responsible for other people’s emotions.
Whether you tend to do everything your partner wants, or you strive to make your co-workers like you, your people-pleasing efforts mean you're taking on too much responsibility. Everyone is in charge of his or her own emotions—and you can’t make anyone feel happy.
It’s up to other people to cope with uncomfortable feelings like disappointment or anger . It’s not your job to protect them from those things.
2. People pleasers are easily manipulated.
You can often spot a people pleaser a mile away—and the more an individual says yes to requests, the more things are asked of her. People pleasers become easy targets. Someone may ask favors of them by saying things like, “I hate to ask you this, but…” or “I wouldn’t ask anyone else, but you’re such a good friend.”
Whether you feel guilted into doing something, or you feel honored that you’ve been entrusted with a favor, you may be easily manipulated when others know that your primary goal is to please people.
3. Your choices will always be unfavorable to some people.
There isn’t a single decision, product, or service that will please everyone. Just look at product reviews: One person says an item is the best thing since sliced bread. The next says the same product was a complete rip-off.
Even personal decisions that don't affect others may become a target for scrutiny. Your mother may weigh in on your decision to accept a new job, or your friends may express dissatisfaction about your new relationship. While you may want to take their wisdom in consideration, your job isn't to make them happy.
4. Trying to please people drains your resources.
Trying to please everyone will rob you of mental strength . The more you think about whether someone is going to be upset, or how to phrase your decision in a way that isn’t offensive, the fewer resources you’ll have to devote to the decisions that matter most.
Worrying, ruminating, and rehashing conversations won’t help you get anywhere. If you spent that same time and energy being productive, you’d accomplish much more.
5. Attempting to please others is actually a bit selfish.
One of the most common reasons I hear people say they can’t say no is because they don’t want to appear selfish. But in reality, the need to always be liked actually is a bit selfish.
Saying yes to things you don’t want to do will cause you to feel resentful. And that will damage your relationship. Setting healthy boundaries and preserving the relationship—even at the risk that someone may get angry—is far less selfish.
Staying True to Your Values
People pleasing can become a habit that causes you to lose sight of your values. Learning to tolerate people being upset with you can be hard, but it’s essential to reaching your goals . Your words and your behavior must be in line with your beliefs before you can be truly authentic—and authenticity is the key to becoming your best self.
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🔖 5 Ways to Get Over the Fear of Confrontation
It’s clear that the fear of confrontation is at the root of many people’s distress. Workplace issues, relationship troubles, and interpersonal problems could likely be resolved if people were able to address their concerns in an open and direct manner.
People who avoid confrontation often make excuses for their behavior, such as like, “I’m a peacemaker,” or “I don’t want to ruffle any feathers.” Whether it’s an annoying co-worker who leaves coffee mugs all over the office, or a mother-in-law who makes inappropriate jokes, a fear of confrontation often outweighs an individual’s desire to address an issue head-on. Consequently, the problem never gets resolved and the distressed individual continues to suffer.
Confronting someone in an assertive but kind matter doesn’t have to be scary. In fact, you might find others welcome your input and agree to create positive change.
If you’re terrified of expressing your opinion in a direct manner, here are Five ways to get over your fear of confrontation:
1. Identify the problems with being a pushover.
You won’t change your behavior unless you believe that your current behavior isn’t working. And when you’re nervous or afraid to speak up, it’s easy to convince yourself that staying quiet is the best option.
Write down the problems you experience when you avoid confrontation. Perhaps you go home from work feeling stressed out. Or maybe your relationship becomes more damaged every time you allow someone to hurt your feelings.
2. List what you might gain by speaking up.
On the back of the same piece of paper, write down what you could achieve by speaking up. Your relationships might improve, your problems might get solved, or you might become happier. Get specific about the things you stand to gain.
Every time you’re tempted to stay quiet, read over both lists. Identifying the logical, rational reasons you should confront someone—even when it feels scary—can boost your courage and help you do it.
3. Reconsider the assumptions you make about confrontation.
The fear of confrontation is often based on false assumptions. Thinking things like, “Confrontation is bad,” or “Telling someone I disagree with them will ruin our relationship” only fuel your fear. Whether you learned to walk on eggshells because you had a difficult boss, or your fear of confrontation goes all the way back to childhood, check your assumptions.
In reality, confrontation is healthy. There are many kind—and assertive—ways to speak up and express your opinion. Doing so might improve the situation more than you ever even imagined.
4. Address one small issue at a time.
If there’s just one person you tend to avoid confronting—like a particularly challenging colleague—choose one minor issue to address. Don’t pick the biggest problem and don’t bring up a lengthy list of items you don’t like. Start small and see what happens.
If you avoid speaking up to everyone around you, pick a safe person to confront first. Maybe you want to start with a trusted friend or family member whom you know isn’t going to blow up. Address something minor and you’ll increase your confidence in being able to be assertive.
5. Stick to “I” statements and work on staying calm.
At the heart of all good communication is the ability to stick to “I” statements. Rather than saying, “You’re so arrogant in meetings and you never even bother showing up on time,” say, “I am concerned about the way you address the group and I feel disrespected when you arrive late.”
Avoid being overly accusatory; express what you think and how you feel. Most importantly, take a few deep breaths and don’t let your anger get the best of you—even if the other person lashes out. The goal is to be assertive, not aggressive.
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🌴 My Search for Peace of Mind
An incomplete journey
Some people naturally have peace of mind. Without effort, they walk the earth with a sense of contentment.
I don’t. My parents said I cried a lot as a newborn, was a colicky baby, in school was ever worried I was a bad boy or not smart enough, and from my earliest memory , feared death and dying . At age 10, I'd lie in bed calculating the percentage of my life I probably had left---in terror, unable to sleep .
So, clearly I've been motivated to try to find more peace of mind. And if you're not naturally blissful, perhaps this report on my attempts may be of use to you.
My first conscious effort to find peace of mind came when I arrived at Berkeley and Hare Krishnas offered me a free banana and an invitation to an Introduction to Meditation meeting. I started meditating and found it restful but after a year, felt it never did more than give me a 20-minute nap twice a day. As soon as I awoke, I was back to my worrywart self.
Being taught how to meditate did show me the value of taking even a few deep breaths when stressed. Also, when having difficulty falling asleep, deep breaths while saying my mantra proved helpful. I later found that even better than the mantra is to picture cumulus clouds moving through the sky, thinking of food or plants A through Z, or visualizing my garden and rating each plant.
But those were symptomatic tactics. More centrally helpful was to structure my life so as to make it as low- stress as possible. To this day, I worry too much about what others think of me, and if I had a boss, I’d really worry, doing everything possible to please him or her, including to my detriment. So I decided I had to be self-employed. Also, I like peace and quiet, and I could ensure that if I worked at home. That also avoided my having to commute, which I would find stressful.
But perhaps most important, I made sure I was doing work that uses my strengths and skirts my weaknesses. I can think on my feet and, even before I became a career and personal coach, I’ve focused on successfully negotiating the life's practicalities. So being a career and personal coach and working from home was a perfect fit.
I’m not good on a team because I tend to want to give too much input and, because that impedes group process, I'd have to constantly be restraining myself. So I work without coworkers: just my clients and me, my radio listeners and me, my readers and me.
The most recent improvement to my peace of mind has come from---and forgive the cliché—self-acceptance. From Day One, I’ve been intense. And from my earliest memory, I’ve tried hard to be more like everyone else: calmer appearing. But no matter how hard I tried, I too often failed. Now I accept that I'll always be intense. At least that avoids the secondary stress of worrying excessively about the health effects of being intense.
Additionally, I try to let go of life’s outcome. As I said, from an early age, I worried incessantly about death and dying. Now, when I’m at my best, I surrender control. I think, “I do what I reasonably can: control external stress, keep my weight reasonable, exercise, eat decently , and don’t do drugs except for coffee and a glass of wine a few times a week. After that, it’s out of my control.” And when I'm hit with a blast of fear of dying, I try to remind myself that worrying about it will do no good. And if I ever get a fatal illness in which the pain of living is too much, I’ll find a way to off myself.
In an attempt to be less reactive, I've read some Buddhism and do aspire to greater detachment, to observing, to being in the present. Similarly, I'm attracted to the stoicism of Seneca, Epictetus, and Schopenhauer but my physiologically reactive body limits my ability to incorporate their teachings.
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📍 3 Simple Ways You and Your Child Can Be Happier
Here are three strategies you can use, starting today.
"Everyone has a "set point" for happiness , just as they do for weight." - Martin Seligman
Do you have a list of things you’d like to change about:
Your child (More cooperative? more responsible? more reasonable?)
Your life (More time? more money? more fun?)
Yourself (More fit? more patient? more light-hearted?)
Do you think you’d be happier if you could wave a wand and make things more perfect? Join the club! I wish I could hand you that wand.
But I'm afraid I have bad news. Your child will never be perfect. Your life will never be perfect. You will never be perfect. None of us will ever be perfect; we're human!
And even if things get better in your life, research shows that even desirable changes don't necessarily make you happier for long unless you change your happiness set point.
But I have good news, too.
You don’t have to be perfect to be happy! In fact, pursuing perfection actually sabotages happiness. That's because we're always holding the reality of our experience up to some ideal that can never be attained, instead of appreciating what we have. It's like we're always fighting with life.
You can still take action to change things. But you'll do that more effectively from a positive, appreciative mindset.
And there's even better news. You actually already have that magic wand, not for perfection, but for more happiness with things exactly as they are. Scientists have proven that you can change your happiness set-point so that you feel measurably happier.
Here are three strategies you can use, starting today.
1. Choose gratitude .
Feeling appreciation and gratitude makes us measurably happier. There is suffering in every life, and sometimes it seems there is a whole lot more wrong than right. But even in the hard times, there are so many blessings. Try to find a way to focus on those as much as you can.
For parents, simply appreciating your child — delighting in them, enjoying them — can transform how you feel about being a parent, and positively impacts your child's behavior.
2. Choose to make the most of life by seeing the bright side. Optimists are healthier, happier, have more fulfilling relationships, and live longer. Want to retrain yourself to see the glass as half-full? See this article on helping your child, and yourself, develop optimism.
3. Choose love .
The path to happiness requires you to accept and love yourself just the way you are, messy imperfections and all. In fact, I sometimes think that the only thing that really matters in parenting is for the parent to deeply love and accept him or herself.
That's because your unconditional love for yourself is what allows you to love your child unconditionally. We know that's what every child needs, and deserves. In fact, unconditional love cures a whole lot of problem behavior (and maturation cures most of the rest.)
So why not start, today, by talking to yourself like someone you appreciate and adore? You'll find that love spills over into how you talk to your child. And your child's inner voice, when he grows up, will come from how you talk to him now.
Nothing has to be different for you to love yourself, wholly and completely, exactly as you are. Nothing is stopping you from being happier, starting today.
What are you waiting for?
"Nothing has to be different for you to be whole.” — Stephen Levine
How To Be Happy: secrets of happiness for you and your kids.mp4[Full Movie Download]
💎 How To Live Like A Story
I came to Jerry with the purpose of breaking free from an environment where I couldn’t find my way out from thinking about what to do next.
If we know how to live everyday like our last day on earth, are we going to feel fulfilled and happy? Is it pragmatic to take this motivation cocktail every morning?
Then I read a beautiful book about story. The author lived his life with intention to make a good story that is worth making into a movie.
He said story is about ‘a character overcoming conflict to get what he wants’.
I smiled reading it. I smiled looking back at my journey. I smiled embracing struggle.
Whatever I went through at the moment, I knew I will love it later.
Am I living a good story?
When I thought of my life as a story, I saw myself in the chapter where the character goes through series of struggle, pain, fear and tears; I am in the journey to figure things out.
A story that moves us is always about a character sacrificing everything and keeps trying even though he might fail.
Soon, I’ll make a move. Then I will do everything I could to move in that direction, embracing pain and gain to overcome conflicts.
If I was to make a movie about two weeks in Jerry i, it will be a colourful, beautiful and serene movie that is a web of many lives and stories that intertwined.
As we became part of each other’s story in this journey, our stories could enrich or divert each other’s story line.
Be a wanderer
I came alive when I wandered on the streets of Jerry.
When you have to learn everything about a new place, you bring all your attention to things around you, you listen to the sound of the city, you inhale the scent of surrounding, and you feel curious about everyone that passes you.
You are so focused in writing the new chapter of story that you have no space for old problems.
When you return, that chapter will have continuity because no journey in life is independent of each other. Everything we do will change a part of us.
I wanted to write a book about my story
Do I know enough to write a book about life? Will people care?
My self-doubt subsided when I started to see my life as a story.
Writing our life story is not about knowing enough about life, but to do enough in this life.
In a movie, a scene couldn’t move on without the character taking action. Nobody watches a movie to see the character repeating same action every day.
As we do more, we open ourselves to feel more and know more.
I want my life to be a good story with many memorable scenes, and a beautiful last scene that is full of love.
I want my story to make people feel grateful for life and take actions that make them come alive.
We do not create a good story by sitting on the couch.
How do we live everyday like it’s the last day on earth?
We live a good story, and be present in our story every day no matter which chapter we are in.
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🔖 9 Ways to Respond When Someone Hurts You
Being able to put your past abuse into perspective doesn’t mean you will be immune from being hurt in the present. If you are around people for very long, you will end up hurt by someone.
Your past patterns of dealing with being hurt are not those you want to continue. So here are some steps you can take to deal with new situations. They will help you develop some new techniques and keep you from reacting to new hurts in old ways.
1. Recognize the offense for what it is.
Is it intentional? Is it unintentional? Is it a misunderstanding? Listen to what your heart tells you about what happened. Usually your gut reaction is a good indicator of what you really think. However, listen to the truth behind that reaction to make sure it’s not an old one coming up from your past. Choose to respond intentionally instead of reacting instinctively.
2. Resist the tendency to defend your position.
If you determine that you need to confront the person who has hurt you, offer only your point of view about the incident. It is amazing how many confrontations you can diffuse by removing defensiveness and hostility. When you stick to what you are feeling, you give the other person permission to explain his or her point of view. Then together you can come to a consensus, hopefully resulting in mutual forgiveness .
3. Give up the need to be right.
This can be an unfortunate leftover of past abuse and can escalate a bad situation into a worse one. Other people are entitled to their own thoughts and opinions. When differences of opinions arise, it does not necessarily dictate that one person is right and the other is wrong. You may simply disagree.
4. Recognize and apologize for anything you may have done to contribute to the situation.
Make certain, however, that it is a legitimate wrong or oversight and not false guilt brought on by past situations. However, don’t assume that past abuse gives you a pass on your own responsibility for your actions. Treating someone badly and then blaming it on something in your past does nothing in the present to help the other person, who is not to blame for your past abuse.
5. Respond, don't react.
This will require you to pause long enough to take the opportunity to think and evaluate. Sometimes, just waiting will add needed perspective. By responding and not just reacting, you exert control over your behavior. Past emotional abuse may have caused you to develop some pretty sensitive buttons that others can inadvertently push without understanding the consequences. Learning this skill will help you respond appropriately, giving your responses greater power and meaning for others.
6. Adopt an attitude of bridge-building as opposed to attacking or retreating.
A conciliatory attitude is much easier for everyone to deal with than a hostile, defensive one. Practice maintaining an attitude of love and acceptance. This doesn’t mean you agree with the person who has hurt you or with what he or she has done. Rather, you have chosen to respond in a certain, predetermined way. When you present your concerns with a door open to reconciliation, you should find yourself pleased at how often the other person will opt to walk through.
7. Realize that you may be the target of someone’s anger but not the source of it.
You may find yourself in the unenviable position of being the proverbial straw that broke someone else’s back. Take responsibility only for your part, and avoid falling into the trap of accepting false guilt from others.
8. Create personal limits.
This is part of reclaiming your personal power. You have the right to define what your limits are—and insist that they be respected.
9. Realize that even if someone has hurt you, that need not take away your personal happiness .
Remember, you are in charge of your attitude and response. You can get over it and go on.
🌴 8 Things You Have the Right to Expect From Your Relationship
It starts with affection but it goes much deeper.
Sometimes it’s hard to know for sure what you can reasonably expect from your partner:
Should she return every text at the earliest opportunity?
Should he make time to hang out with you every weekend?
Should you split the bill 50-50 every time you go out?
But before you can resolve these specific questions, you need to establish the basics—the things you should ask, with confidence , from every relationship. Following are 8 such "basics" you have a right to expect from every romantic relationship.
1. Affection
Your partner may express this either in words, behavior, or both, but physical affection, such as hugging, kissing, back or foot rubs, or holding hands is especially important in romantic relationships . Your partner should like you as a person, and be able to demonstrate that in a way that reaches you.
2. Compassion
When you’re hurting, you have a right to expect your partner to be, in the words of Phil McGraw, "a soft place to fall." He or she should be tender with you if you’re in pain. A partner's not obligated to read your mind, or be “in it” with you. They don’t have to feel the same way you do. It just needs to matter to him or her that you feel bad.
3. Respect
A good partner shows respect—for you as a person, and for your boundaries. Although he or she may disagree with you, there’s no name-calling or ridicule from a respectful partner, even in the name of “just teasing.” A respectful partner knows and admires your strengths, is gracious about your weaknesses—and doesn't willfully engage in boundary violations.
4. Consideration
A considerate partner thinks about how his or her behavior affects you. They don't have to give you everything you ask for, or do everything you want them to do, but they owe you the courtesy of considering things from your point of view. If a partner doesn't do this, he or she is treating you like a pet rock that doesn't need care or feeding. (And I know you're not that...because rocks can't read.)
5. Time
Every relationship is based on sharing at least some time together. It can’t always be helped if your partner has to be away. But if he or she rarely or never has time for you, or consistently rations the time you spend together, you might ask yourself how much more of your own time you're willing to spend pursuing them.
6. Interest
It’s reasonable to expect your partner to have a greater interest in you than the average person. At least some of your activities, opinions, thoughts, feelings, etc. should hold his or her interest. A partner who isn’t interested in you as a person may be in the relationship just to avoid being alone—and you both deserve better than that.
7. Intimacy
Intimacy is not the same as sex . It means allowing yourself to be known, and wanting to really know your partner. More than just "Are you a morning person or a night person?” genuine intimacy is being familiar with each other's emotional, vulnerable selves.
8. Generosity
A truly generous partner enjoys helping, soothing, or finding other ways to benefit you. Such a partner doesn't necessarily give you material gifts or take you on fancy vacations. Giving oneself fully in relationship is the ultimate gift. To the extent that your partner offers you what's on this list, they're being generous.
Having the right to expect these things doesn’t mean you’ll always get them. It does mean that it’s okay for you to ask for them, and that it's okay for it to matter to you if they’re not available from your partner.
.Of course, your partner can and should expect the same things from you: You might want to sit down together and talk about the items on this list that are most important to each of you, and focus on addressing those first.
The Best Kin of Wishing
Months ago I was invited to celebrate the birthday of a friend’s daughter. As the fourteen-year-old went to blow out her candles, she paused, looked at all the faces around the table and asked, “Can you make wishes for other people?”
I was stunned and touched by the question. “Yes, of course,” I answered. She pondered for a moment, squeezed her eyes shut and blew out the candles in one, deep exhale.
I felt the weight of her wish—how important it was to her that it come true, how desperately she felt this wish would help the person on the other end of it.
It can be a powerful thing to make a wish for someone we love. It’s a silent prayer that puts no pressure on the individual as to what it is you want, while sending a potent message to the Universe.
Though it can be a beautiful sentiment and done with the best of intentions, it reminded me of one key thing.
When we wish for others, we must be careful to leave our judgments or particular outcomes out of it.
I thought of the countless times in my own life when I made wishes for the people I love. They were usually incredibly detailed and specific.
For instance, I’ve wished for friends to leave a disastrous relationship within a certain time span.
I’ve also wished for loved ones not to suffer as much as they were going through something difficult and for them to change the situation in a particular way.
On the surface, these seem like loving desires for the people I was thinking of. And they were. I truly had the best of intentions as I wished, prayed and hoped for the outcome I wanted for them.
At the time, I thought my prayers would be the best thing for them, but now I realize how narrow-sighted my visions were.
With time on my side, I can see that my friends crossed paths with these boyfriends for a specific reason. In those relationships they grew and learned about themselves and what they wanted from a partner. Had the relationships ended when I wanted them to, it may have been premature.
As for watching loved ones suffer—through bad jobs, financial struggles or heartache—I also see now how these events all helped push them to a better place. They needed to experience the rough times in order to come out on the other side stronger and wiser than ever before.
Of course, I understand it’s easy to look at someone’s life and paint a picture we like more. The brush strokes are filled with colors with names like, “they should do this,” “I would never do that,” and the best one of all, “if only they would listen to me!”
But deciding what we think someone else’s life should look like can be damaging. It’s not only damaging for the person we are thinking about, but it’s also destructive to our own spirit.
Because the thing is there’s a very good chance the person will make choices and live a life that doesn’t look anything like the vision we created. And when that happens, we can be left feeling angry and frustrated. That anger and frustration may build up to a resentment so strong that eventually it causes a deep fissure in the relationship.
That happened once with me and a friend.
One day my friend sent an email, unleashing her true feelings about what was happening in my life. It turned out she didn’t approve of who I was dating, how I was conflicted about a job offer, and a bevy of other things.
When I didn’t heed her advice, we stopped talking. She didn’t like that I wasn’t listening and I didn’t like knowing how different her views were for me from what I desired.
Because that’s the other thing. We have to remember that sometimes what we wish for others, isn’t what they are wishing for.
This lesson impacted the way I look at my loved one’s lives and decisions. I constantly remind myself that what I want, or what they want, may not be what’s ultimately the best thing.
After all, maybe the dream is beyond both of our imaginations.
When we wish in details and specifics we may be doing more harm than good. We may be limiting the possibility for something far greater than we
How To Avoid A Relapse Into Depression
#Health
Statistics show about a 50% chance of relapse into depression. It gets higher if you have had more than one bout of clinical depression. After your second bout the chance for a relapse goes up to 70% and after your third it goes up even more to 90%. Preventing a relapse becomes very important after your first bout of depression and the chance to continue falling victim to depression increases dramatically after the first episode. Prevention is simply medical treatment that continues on after the symptoms have gone into remission. It is very important to have a prevention plan and to avoid triggers that could cause a relapse. So what can we do to avoid relapsing into a depression after our first?
In the case of a relapse into depression, doing these things will help you avoid it:
Follow Through With Your Plan
The biggest trigger to a relapse is to not follow through with your healing once symptoms begin to go away. Just because you don’t feel them anymore does not mean they aren’t waiting in the wings ready to leap back into your life if you let your guard down. Don’t skip the mental or emotional healing sessions you need just because you start feeling better. If you are having a hard time making it to therapy sessions then speak up and ask for help. If something is creating an uncomfortable side effect, seek out your healthcare professional about your experiences. The key is to find a plan that works for you and keeps you from relapsing back into depression.
Eliminate Negative Thoughts
Dwelling on negative views of yourself can trigger relapses in patients with a history of depression. Looking at yourself in a negative light and dwelling on past failures or mistakes is counterproductive to your mental health. Cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness-based therapy can help mitigate or eliminate such negative thoughts from intruding into your mind.
Know Where You Are Vulnerable
Every person’s situation is different and everyone has unique vulnerabilities to their mental and emotional state. You need to identify where you are vulnerable and minimize contact with those persons or places. Also be mindful of special days of the year in your life or holidays where things might be more emotionally difficult than the average day. The stressful holiday season can be a huge factor in the relapsing of depression. Anniversaries of past traumas or injuries can also lead to a relapse, so make sure you plan ahead of time for those periods when you might be more vulnerable.
Keep an Emotional Journal
Keep track of your daily emotional states. This can help you spot a relapse when one occurs and get immediate treatment to help prevent an episode of depression. By being mindful of your emotional and mental states from day to day you can gain control over the disease rather than becoming a victim of it. There may even be some apps to help you catalog how you feel from day to day. If you notice a pattern of negative emotions for 7-10 days then see your doctor immediately and get some help.
Reach out To People
Whether you are reaching out to a specific support group or a group of close friends or family members it is important to remember not to let yourself get socially isolated. Depression can make social situations not feel pleasurable and even be painful. Social isolation is a symptom of a relapse into depression. Be mindful of your habits when it comes to spending time with other people.
Get Enough Sleep
Lack of sleep can be a major contributing factor in depression and the relapse into depression. If you are suffering from insomnia or cannot stay asleep once you have fallen asleep then you should see your doctor. Sleep apnea and other disorders can also contribute to poor sleep and the relapse into depression. If you have a physical disorder that inhibits or disrupts sleep let your doctor or therapist know as