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#WhatMattersMostEA?
10 Ways to Reduce Smart-Phone Mindlessness
How to not let your phone device be a “vice” that takes over your life.
Let me start off by saying – I’m guilty.
I, too, fall in the same traps. I feel the same pull that you do – it’s at once tantalizing and comforting. I have the same love-hate relationship you do. Of course, I’m talking about my relationship with my cell phone. There is always an e-mail to check, a text to deliver, a site to look up, telegraming, a click to be made. there’s always work to be done and fun to be had.
I share my own guilt here so as to not come across as preachy in my observations below or in my strategies of how to manage this vice.
💡What can we do about this?
1. First, you should ask yourself: Is there anything I want to do about this? Perhaps you are happy with your ratio of technology time and family time. Each individual and family should reflect on this and make their own decision.
2. For many of us, the first step is to admit, humbly, that this is an issue – a challenge. We can say – “I’m on my phone too much,” “at times I prioritize my technology over my family” – and similar statements that reflect the honest reality.
3. Set up rules ahead of time. For example, when I go to my son’s weekly swim lesson, I have a personal rule that I’ll only use my phone to take a picture of my son in the water or to text my wife regarding dinner planning. No exceptions. Such a rule – even for a short period of time – is not only freeing but catalyzes mindfulness for me.
4. Create a technology time - family time ratio that is ideal for you. What percentage of time spent on technology and time spent with family is realistic for you? What would a good balance be? Imagine if a camera was on you throughout the day and observing your ratio, would you be proud of what was observed? Is there a goal you might work toward?
5. Prioritize character values. What are your highest character strengths? Which of the 24 strengths do you value most? Which do you want to live by? Knowing these can help you construct an optimal ratio and personal rules to live by.
6. Examine your “causes.” Often we turn to our phones for quick stimulation or curiosity succor. We do this because we are bored with the moment, irritated about something, anxiously waiting for a response or a “like,” mildly upset and needing a distraction, and a myriad of other reasons – any and all of these reasons are fodder for our mindfulness. We can bring our mindful attention to these impulses and subtle emotions to better understand them and even to transcend them.
7. Set up a technology fast. There are many ways to do this, for example:
>Set a fasting day once a week (e.g., every Sunday) for no technology or no phone use.
>Set fasting time periods each day (e.g., no phone use after 9PM or before 9AM).
>While it might be intriguing to awaken and turn to your phone as your morning greeting, it can be equally intriguing to allow your brain to engage the day, the morning sun, a glass of water, unfettered by technology information.
8. Configure technology free zones. Make some activities and rituals off-limits for phone use (e.g., the dinner table, the bedroom, while on a date, etc.).
9. Get mutual agreement among other family members. You’re all in this together – figure out fasts, technology free-zones, and other guiding principles that work for your family. Encourage and support one another in a kind, non-judging way.
10. Prioritize rituals that do not require technology – a spiritual practice, a daily meditation, a peaceful walk, a yoga routine. Such rituals that offer mindfulness to percolate give us a mental counterbalance
#Lifestyle
2 Reasons Why Delaying Intimacy Is Good For Your Relationship
🏅When you met your partner, there was a definite spark that made you want more, but there are at least 2 reasons why you should consider delaying intimacy for the good of your relationship.
Being aware of your physical attraction to another person and choosing to not act on it takes self-control. Self-control is something that can be developed with training, just like a muscle in your body that you exercise. Let’s look at the 2 reasons why delaying intimacy by practicing self-control is good for your relationship.
When we are teenagers, we are encouraged to wait to have sex, for our own physical and emotional development. These are also good reasons to wait as an adult. We are still in the process of learning and becoming who we are, so rushing into things with a romantic partner can stop or delay own growth as a person due to the distraction that the other person makes.
It can be very difficult to make good decisions, like choosing to delay intimacy for the good of your relationship, while your hormones are telling you to go full steam ahead. Delaying your passion with your partner is like saying to yourself ‘This person might be worth waiting for so I am making a deliberate choice to wait.’
1. THAT INITIAL SPARK OF ATTRACTION BURNS OUT FAST
Is this true love? Very few people believe that they can tell that they have met their true love at first sight. It is indeed possible, but usually the attraction that you feel for someone will last only a month or so and that quickly it is gone.
Part of the quick burnout of that spark is that you are fresh and new to your partner in the first part of your relationship. As you become accustomed to each other, what was once special and new about you is now less so. The less mystery there is about you, the less interest your partner may show toward you.
During the time that you are delaying intimacy, you are building trust with each other, which is very important to a relationship. During this time, you can spend time bonding with conversation and learning about what is important to your partner.
2. RESEARCH SHOWS DELAYING INTIMACY IS BETTER FOR MAKING A RELATIONSHIP LAST
Doing what scientists say doesn’t sound romantic, but if you are hoping for a successful relationship with your current mate, delaying intimacy is what you need to do. Think of it this way, if you choose to stay together, you can have sex as long as you are in a happy relationship, but delaying intimacy now means that you will have a longer happy relationship.
Researchers in the Journal of Family Psychology asked the question ‘Is it better to test sexual compatibility as early as possible or show sexual restraint so that other areas of the relationship can develop?’ What they found reveals a reason why delaying intimacy is good for your relationship. The research showed that delaying intimacy ‘was associated with better relationship outcomes, even when controlling for education, the number of sexual partners, religiosity, and relationship length.’
A second study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that having sex early was associated with poor relationship happiness in marriage, especially for women. The researchers say that when couples have sex early on in their relationship, they also decide to move in together too quickly, which can put a strain on the relationship.
#DatingandMating
Some Personality Traits Make You a Better Romantic Partner
🔖 Which traits are associated with better (and worse) relationship outcomes?
If you were to list the top three personality traits you would want in a romantic partner, what would they be? To some extent this list may vary depending upon the individual respondent. Some people desire an adventurous partner, some want an intellectual peer, and some require a mate with matching political views. However there are many commonalities among people's responses as well. People often say that traits such as respect, honesty, and trustworthiness are essential in a mate.
These same traits are also associated with better relationship outcomes.
Respect
Aretha Franklin had it right when she asked for “Respect." Researchers Frei and Shaver (2002) measured respect for romantic partners as well as a variety of other measures such as liking, loving, and romantic relationship satisfaction. Their findings were somewhat surprising. Respect was more strongly related to relationship satisfaction than even feelings of liking and loving for a partner. When people describe what respect means to them, they list characteristics such as moral conduct, considerateness, and honesty.
Mutual respect seems to be crucial to a successful partnership.
Honesty and Trustworthiness
Dishonesty can precipitate the end of a relationship, but increased honesty is associated with both better relationship outcomes and greater overall well-being. Brunell and colleagues explored the topic of “dispositional authenticity” or “openness and truthfulness in … relationships”. They found that more “authentic” men and women engaged in healthier relationship behaviors such as more self-disclosure, more trust, and more constructive responses to conflict. They also found that these more positive behaviors were related to more positive relationship outcomes such as increased commitment and relationship satisfaction. Similarly, Wickham (2013) found that when a partner was perceived as authentic, individuals trusted that partner more and perceived their relationship as more stable and committed.
Traits Associated with Worse Relationship Outcomes
Research shows that neuroticism, narcissism, and a lack of conscientiousness are often associated with negative relationship outcomes. Neuroticism is a prolonged negative emotional state manifesting as a depressed mood, anxiety, anger, or difficulty coping with stress (Medical News). Neuroticism is associated with an increased likelihood of divorce and neuroticism in both partners can exacerbate negative relationship behaviors and outcomes. Narcissism is characterized by an elevated feeling of self-worth and entitlement. Higher levels of narcissism as well as lower levels of conscientiousness have been linked to an increased risk of infidelity in marital relationships.
Both Personalities Matter
Relationship success is determined by both your own personality and your partner’s personality. The quality of your relationship may be enhanced if you and your partner both possess positive personality characteristics such as mutual respect, honesty, and trustworthiness.
#HowtoliveEA
The Case for Men Marrying an Older Woman
It may be worth resisting the attraction to younger ones.
NOTE:For those who might wonder why this article focuses only on straight men and women, it is because many of the issues in marrying an older person relate to pregnancy or health and there are significant gender differences in age-related health and sexuality.
Many men are attracted to younger women. Mainly it's a visceral, physical thing although some men may value a younger woman because she is more likely to look up to him if only because he may have advanced more in his career.
But there are reasons men should consider older women as a potential marriage partner. I will admit I'm biased: My wife is five years older than I am and we've been contentedly married for almost 40 years now.
Sexual compatibility. Alfred Kinsey's classic work on sexuality concluded that men's sexual hormones peak at 18, women's in their early 30s. Of course, factors other than hormones affect sexuality but a man increases his chances of sexual compatibility by marrying an older woman.
Maturity in the relationship. Having lived longer, a person is more likely to have maturity that comes with age: not to fight so much about trivia, not as likely to have an affair having gotten that out of her system. Marrying an older woman, on average, means marrying a more mature person.
Maturity in parenting. Parenting is far more difficult and stressful than many people realize. It requires great maturity and equanimity to consistently set limits but not excessive ones, remain calm, and collaboratively solve problems with your child. A 35-year-old is more likely to have that maturity than is a 25-year-old.
Likely to be further in her career. As mentioned, older people have had more time to advance in their career. So marrying an older woman, on average, not only increases the chances she'll contribute more money to the family income, she'll be in a better position to offer career advice and maybe even help her husband land a better job. Plus, having an experienced career woman as a mate provides confidential career advice that may not be possible from peers.
Health compatibility. Women live five years longer than men, and men die earlier of nine of the top ten leading causes of death. Current research summarized in a BBC review, suggests this is caused by biology, not lifestyle. So, on average, a man choosing a woman five years older is marrying his physiological equal.
Why might that matter? At age 80, the average man is moribund or dead.There are more than four widows for every widower. If an 80-year-old man is married to a 75-year-old, physiologically 70, even if she still loves him, she may feel he's an albatross and he may feel he's a burden. In contrast, if he had married someone five years older than him, they're more likely to be health peers and to fade away together.
Earlier on life's conveyer belt, the typical 65-year-old man has at least one significant health issue. If he's married to a 60 year-old woman, he's married to someone who, on average, is physiologically ten years younger and thus likely healthier and more vigorous, physically and mentally. If you'd feel more comfortable growing old with someone in roughly similar shape to you, consider an older woman.
Marrying an older woman may even yield benefits fairly early in a marriage. For example, compatible energy levels makes it more likely that a couple will want to recreate together. So,
for example, anecdotally I've observed that more women than men ages 35 to 40 want to do do extreme sports such as rock climbing, run marathons, or do triathlons.
Objections
"But people will think less of me." Should you make such a major life decision based on some narrow-minded people's definition of normalcy?
"But I'd like to have children and older women are less fertile." Today, thanks to prenatal screening, most women have a high probability of having a healthy baby through their 30s and even early 40s.
The Quest for Self-forgiveness
A nearly impossible therapeutic task
Forgiving others for major insults and crimes against oneself and society is a major feat, yet necessary to overcome self-righteousness, hated towards others, and finding peace of mind. Forgiving oneself, however, is the most difficult mental challenge we might ever encounter.
The person who has committed a crime against his or her moral principles, such as a soldier inadvertently killing an innocent child in the line of duty, can be helped with psychotherapy. But the person who has not committed a crime or harmed anyone, yet is consumed with a gnawing guilt, in spite of personal achievements and charity toward others, becomes nearly an impossible therapeutic task.
We are not talking about self-hatred or self-loathing, which can be turned outward toward innocent others. Nor are we discussing excessive pent-up anger toward others, which often, unexpressed, turns inward upon oneself. Nor are we looking at clinical
depression, anxiety, neuroticism or an inferiority complex.
The unsuccessful quest for self-forgiveness with those I have met has been with fairly high achievers in the social sciences and the arts, as opposed to those achievers in the medical and financial sector. This observation has led me to believe that the basis of this quest may be tied to one’s innate personality, and as one matures, one’s social values.
Over the years of clinical practice, I have come to realize that I do quick takes on a client’s personality, which I can readily change later. Making quick takes runs the risk of stereotyping, yet it might somehow be related to the survival instinct. Anyway, one of my threefold takes is whether I initially sense kinesthetic warmth, auditory precision, or a visual acumen. The client may be strong in two modalities, but rarely in all three.
I quite naturally match the client’s strongest modality, not just to establish immediate rapport, but to frame my questioning accordingly. I can easily discuss feelings with those kinesthetically inclined, how the person with a strong auditory sense evaluates this or that, and the penetrating perceptions of those visually inclined. As simple as this may sound, this quick take enables me to save time otherwise spent on gaining the client’s trust.
From this threefold sort, I believe the quest for self-forgiveness resides in those kinesthetically inclined—those born with a strong empathetic sense for others. These are the individuals who become distressed and even may cry when they hear of a typhoon striking and killing villagers in the Pacific, bombs being dropped on wedding celebrations in the Middle East, genocides in Africa, and innocents being gunned down here at home.
This is not to say that those with a strong auditory sense or visual acuity are not affected by the rages of weather, war, and mass murders, but these two sorts, in and of themselves, do not carry the deeply-felt feelings of personal kinship with those impacted by these tragedies. I believe those encumbered with this sense of personal responsibility, for what others see or think is just another tragedy some place in the world, is the basis of this lack of self-forgiveness.
Sartre, the French existential philosopher, believed that by not taking action, we are complicit, if not directly responsible, for man’s inhumanity toward man. He lamented, “Anything, anything would be better than this agony of mind, this creeping pain that gnaws and fumbles and caresses one and never hurts quite enough.”
#IntimidatingEA
5 signs you have an intimidating personality
🔖What exactly makes for a strong or “intimidating” personality?
While there are numerous answers to this question, a common set of attributes can determine the strength of one’s personality…from how some of us converse to the ability to create opportunities where others may see impossibility.
1. SIMPLISTIC CONVERSATIONS ARE ANNOYING
It isn’t surprising that strong people detest the act of simple banter. Conversations that invite intellectual curiosity are welcome with open arms, while small talk is revolting to the utmost.
People with strong personalities are prone to let people know exactly what they think, including about irrelevant questions or other dialogue that accomplishes little to nothing. This is particularly true when working or concentrating on some other important task – strong personalities simply don’t have the time or inclination to engage in trivial conversations.
2. IGNORANT ATTITUDES ARE REPULSIVE
Generally speaking, strong people are well (often self) educated and possess a wide breadth of knowledge. This open-minded attitude often invites curiosity while promoting acceptance. Therefore, it is to be expected that strong people simply don’t accept the ignorant attitudes of others. They’ve done their best to learn as much as possible, and are willing to maintain an open mind to the differences of others.
Judgmental or artificial comments and behaviors are intolerable to the strong amongst us. These people also put in the time and effort to acquire knowledge in order to understand people and the world on a deeper level, and are irked by those who do not.
Most notably, these people don’t require the consensus of others to determine whether or not their outlook is valid.
3. OPPORTUNITIES ARE FORCEFULLY CREATED
Strong people have a way of making opportunities without needing much assistance from others. This tremendous work ethic and ability to take advantage of opportunities can intimidate the less motivated, which can in turn invite hostility.
Whether or not they’re viewed as intimidating for being ambitious is irrelevant to strong people. Contemplating the hostile attitudes of those around them is even more so. Strong individuals are willing to recognize and work towards opportunities where others may not, and they make no apologies for it.
4. OTHERS’ ATTENTION IS NOT IMPORTANT
In a society that craves attention using the antics of drama, strong people could care less. While their tremendous work ethic and strength of character may invite attention – positive or negative – from the people around them, strong personalities don’t spend much time noticing. They almost certainly won’t spend precious time and effort seeking the attention of others.
Instead, strong people simply keep their collective heads down and do what needs to be done. These folks are happy and secure without the attention of others. They epitomize the old axiom “you actions speak so loudly, I can’t hear what you’re saying.”
5. EXCUSES ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE
Once again, strong people are notorious for keeping their heads down and doing what needs to be done – regardless of how unpleasant it may be. It’s no surprise then that people who waste time whining and complaining about trivialities are of no interest to them.
When a problem arises, someone with a strong personality will simply focus on what needs to be done to fix it. Why agonize over a problem or situation when one is powerless to control it? As someone who continuously strives to do the best he or she can, those that try to use them as a sounding board for meaningless complaints and pointless banter are quickly turned away.
#Lifestyle
5 Ways To Spot Someone With Hidden Motives
📍 Do you think that someone is hiding things from you? Maybe you think they are not just hiding a recent purchase but hiding how they actually feel about you. Do you wonder whether or not they have good intentions toward you?
No one wants to be taken advantage of, and someone with hidden motives is most likely trying to do just that. If you feel controlled, confused or upset after speaking to the person you think might have hidden motives, you are likely right. Read on to find out if you are right.
1. YOU’RE PICKING UP SOME UNUSUAL BODY LANGUAGE AND EYE CONTACT
People who are lying have hidden motives. A liar will try to maintain a very steady, and slightly uncomfortable, eye contact because they believe that this proves them to be trustworthy.
If the eye contact feels forced or like staring, they are trying too hard to maintain solid eye contact and are probably lying. Blinking too much is also a sign of lying, almost as if the liar is trying to clear the cloud over their eyes that is keeping them from seeing and speaking the truth.
2. YOU HAVE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AFTER SPEAKING TO THEM
By the time they’ve finish speaking, you feel frustrated, confused, misunderstood and more alone than you should feel. One way to spot someone with hidden motives is by how they make you feel. Your own negative emotions are a warning sign to you that something isn’t feeling right in your gut.
You should always trust your gut feelings when it comes to the signs of someone with hidden motives. When you have negative emotions, it’s a sign that your needs aren’t being met. Check in with yourself and ask ‘What do I need that I’m not getting?’ and ‘Is this person trying to keep me from getting what I need?’
3. THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO WANT THE SAME THING
There is a single-minded focus to someone with hidden motives and they will keep talking about the thing that they are trying to get you to do, over and over again. You feel like you’ve heard it a million times and you’re about to cave in to their demands. Don’t. Instead, try changing the subject as many times as needed until they get the point; you won’t cave in.
4.USE OF TACTICS TO PERSUADE YOU
Your ability to be vigilant against persuasion is being tested when you think you spot someone with hidden motives. This is like a game they are playing with you and the goal is to get you to act in some way that benefits the manipulative person. Refuse to act, but pay attention to how many attempts the person makes to get you to do what they want.
Persuasion is a skill that is useful when you are negotiating for the best deal on a car that you can get. It’s not something that you want to be used against you, especially if you aren’t good at resisting pressure.
5. YOU ARE NOT THE FOCUS OF YOUR CONVERSATION
A manipulative person with hidden motives is only focused on themselves. Psychologists believe that ‘failure to complete specific essential steps in the identity-formation process results in specific forms of distrust in self and others, leaving manipulative styles in place of normal feelings and expressions of confidence, respect, and mutuality.’ People with hidden motives may be at risk of developing antisocial personality disorder.
The manipulator may pretend to be interested in your personal life but somehow the conversation always returns to focus on them and their needs. Not just their needs, but what they need from you to get what they want.
Once you spot that the person you are dealing with has hidden motives, you can decide to stop dealing with them or tell them that you aren’t getting your needs met. Someone who is only self-focused will not listen to your needs, so it is probably best to avoid dealing with them at all.
Joyful attitude🕊
Give this day, this world, this life the highest respect you can by being positive. Show appreciation for all you have, for all that is, by living with a joyful attitude.
Complaints and disparagements earn you nothing, no matter how well justified. They push away the goodness that could be yours in each moment.
Living with a positive perspective is not naive or unrealistic. Being positive raises your awareness, actions and results to a higher, more beneficial reality.
Faith in the future begins with faith in the present moment. And faith in the present moment is possible only with a positive outlook.
You don’t have to sugarcoat the world, or your situation, to be positive about it. You simply have to see it and live it from a place of love and gratitude.
Though life is never perfect it always carries an element of goodness with positive possibilities. See that goodness, joyfully build upon the possibilities, and give life the love and respect it deserves.
5 Better Ways to Deal With Conflicts in Your Relationship
Intimate relationships bring up intense feelings. Conflict with a partner can feel destabilizing, and make it difficult to be articulate and openly expressive. Many people try to avoid conflict through a variety of maneuvers—pretending to always agree, being aggressively stubborn so the other person is too afraid to speak up, or avoiding topics that could bring up disagreement.
There are always issues in romantic relationships that really get us going. These often relate to our childhood experiences with important others—experiences that were painful, and the emotions of which are stirred up when a similar situation occurs again.
Having someone recognize your deepest fears and offer reassurance can be extremely reparative. Using words to state what you believe the other person is saying can relieve their fear of being dismissed, left alone, or not taken seriously.
Being able to fight productively often brings a couple closer and strengthens their relationship; here are six ways to do this.
1. Convey Active Listening
Repeat back to your partner what you think you’ve heard him or her say, and ask clarifying questions. This is important even when you think your partner is being irrational. You don’t have to
agree with your partner’s point of view to take their feelings seriously. People often assume they know what someone has said, but they have actually misunderstood in a vital way. This can lead to a repeat fight the next week.
Clarify! Even if it seems redundant.
2. Be Authentic
If you don’t understand what your partner is saying, don’t pretend you do; ask for more explanation. And if you can’t apologize honestly, don’t . Placating someone to end conflict can make the other person feel manipulated and dismissed. Try to let go of a need to be the “good one” in the relationship and stay with the
goals of closeness and understanding. If you’re angry, it’s OK to show that. It’s a myth that the healthiest arguments are always calm and contained—that’s just not a realistic expectation in an intimate relationship.
3. Set Reasonable Boundaries
If things get out of hand, it’s important that both partners know that they can set limits that will be respected. This safety is key to healthy fighting. It’s essential that couples learn to recognize when an argument is too heated and about to get out of hand so they can take a breather.
What’s important is to come back to the issue at a later point. It may help to clearly establish when this will be so that both parties know their concerns are not being swept under the rug. Keep in mind that some people become enraged by an attempt to pause an argument because of past experiences when this tool was used to dismiss them.
4. Employ a Well-timed Call-back
Does your fight feel familiar? Most couples endlessly repeat different versions of the same fight. There's nothing wrong with that; it happens to all of us. But if you notice you’re going down a road that led you nowhere the last time, and point that out tactfully (rather than “Here we go again!”) you may be able to have a productive dialogue about how to communicate more effectively and avoid that pitfall.
If both parties are curious about what’s going on between them—what each person contributes to the interaction—they can begin to work things out together.
5. Physical Gestures Go a Long Way
Even if things can’t be resolved immediately, it’s important for your partner to know that you still care. Sometimes it’s hard to say “I love you” when you feel hurt and angry. A physical gesture can be reassuring at a moment when your partner is feeling anxious and distant. However, it’s important to respect the other person’s signals and not push too far for physical closeness when they may not feel receptive.
Continuing to openly give yourself to the relationship, even during a rocky period, allows both partners to recognize that conflict doesn’t have to mean the end.
#YourNeurochemicalSelf
4 Steps to Calm Yourself When You’re Anxious
How to locate the “off” switch to your jitters.
The human brain is good at creating anxiety. You can un-do your anxiety when you know how you created it. If you blame it on external forces instead, your internal power is lost. Here are four easy steps to help you locate the “off” switch to your jitters, whether it’s bad stuff you’re anticipating or good stuff.
1. Anxiety is just a chemical
Cortisol is the chemical that makes you feel bad. Your body eliminates it in a couple of hours, so you will feel good again soon as long as you don't trigger more in that time. Unfortunately, that’s hard to do. Cortisol creates a threatened feeling that sends your brain urgently searching for threats. But you can find the “off” switch when you know how your brain defines “threats."
2. Threats are just neural pathways
Whatever felt bad in your past built a pathway in your brain that turns on your cortisol when you see something similar. The pathways you built before age eight and during puberty become the superhighways of our brain, so whatever felt bad during those years wired the alarm system of your brain. Yikes! We all end up with more alarm than we really need. We all feel threatened by tiny cues that were relevant long ago. Many of those cues have value - they protect you from falling off cliffs or buying bridges from attractive strangers. But they are inevitably a flawed guide to life.
3. You can build new self-soothing circuits
Self-soothing is also a set of neural pathways built long ago. We humans are born helpless and vulnerable. The first circuit in your brain - the foundation on which later experience is laid - is the urgent sense of having needs you can’t meet on your own. You learn to soothe yourself each time a need is met, with a little help from the world around you. By the end of puberty, each brain has a cockamamy collection of self-soothing circuits. Many of them have value, but they have consequences too. If you keep repeating old same self-soothing habits, you keep getting the same consequences. You can build a new self-soothing habit, but it’s harder than you think because your old superhighways are so comfortable. Blazing a new trail through your jungle of neurons is hard work, and the trail soon disappears unless you pass through it every day. If you repeat a new behavior for 45 days without fail, a new circuit will get established. So choose a new response to anxiety and invest 45 days of your energy in it. You will like the result!
4. Don’t wait too long for the world to fix it for you
We often blame anxiety on “our society” and believe the world must change before we can be calm. If you wait for the world to reach into your brain and soothe you, life will pass you by. Remember that monkeys had the same anxieties we had fifty million years ago. They had in-group/out-group politics and they groomed other monkeys who didn’t groom them back. Social anxiety is part of being a mammal. When you’re safe from physical threats, your mammal brain focuses on social threats. It has always been this way, so don’t expect the world to change in a way that fixes it for you. Listen to the song Don’t Wait Too Long every time you’re tempted to fall back on your old circuits and you will succeed at re-wiring yourself.
Go forth and unscramble
The French have a great word for someone who manages well in a crisis: “débrouillard." It literally means a person who can “unscramble.” So when life gives you scrambled eggs, trust in your ability to unscramble them. Focus on steps that will meet your needs because that stimulates your dopamine. The great feeling of dopamine relieves the bad cortisol feeling fast, because that’s how our brain is designed to work!