they only see my mistakes
but they don't see how tired i am,
they don't see how exhausted i am
they don't see how much unloved i am,
they only see me as failure
that everyone hates,
and that's it.
_ Mauve
Sometimes, I want to scream and tell the world how not okay I am. I want to say that I'm slowly losing my mind and losing all my hope to live. But instead of doing it, I stayed silent and act as if there is nothing wrong with me.
The truth is, sometimes I just want to cry in front of everyone. I want to tell them that I am slowly giving up and I couldn't help myself from my own thoughts. The voices in my head are getting louder and they are telling me how worthless I am. I need someone to understand what I feel, but how can somebody understand me when I can't even speak about what is happening to me? I can't even speak about my pain.
I'm tired. I used to tell myself that I'm going to be okay soon. But now it feels like I'm losing my sanity. I'm tired of this feeling. I wish I could just forget that I'm hurting.
— Shiori X
The second face is the real face.
The one she tries not to show anyone.
The face behind closed doors, when she's alone away from the world, in the security of her own emotions that she doesn't want to show anyone else or have to explain them.
It's exhausting trying to look happy and like nothing is bothering you.
The face that stares off at nothing or patterns on the floor or drapes.
The face that cries in the shower, in bed, car rides alone, cries sitting on the couch, or doing things around for house.
The sad face that stares back at her in the mirror and looks nothing like she used to be.
Well to her anyway. Others say she looks the same. The face that looks strong to the people she knows, but is really just shards of broken glass inside.
Yes, the girl that was there for everyone, and strong for others...is now split into two.
Two faces, one broken spirit.
She can't bear the losses.
It feels like a chapter of a wonderful book closed never to be open again.
All she has are memories and visions in her head that she plays over and over.
Nothing is the same to her.
Everything is different. She can't cope with daily life, her Doctor said. So she writes to help herself, and she has her two faces.
What's funny is, the sad face is the face worth a thousand words underneath in the depths of complexity.
While the happy face full of laughter, love, positiveness, and fun...is a straight shooter."
-️ Michele McKenna | Artwork : unknown
It all becomes a part of me, this skin all black and blue
So, I dressed in black for years, to my insanity I tried to hide
I was always found, my dreams always showed me how I died
My soul didn’t believe life never threw a rose away
My soul's path was strewn with thorns, a future of bloody days
Cuts and rips of my past on my curtained soul stage
I now sit in the audience watching my soul grow into dead age
No more days are written, my soul has closed its pen
I stood off to the side of life knowing, my time was not when
It’s over now and I smile for my home awaits my return
On this trip was my demise, all my return tickets I would burn
I love the part where someone that's been really unlucky in love finally meets someone that makes them feel seen, heard, & understood.
I love the part where someone that's been really unlucky in love finally meets someone that makes them realize why it didn't work out with anyone else.
I love the part where two people that were hurt by love come together to heal, grow, & evolve. I just love love. Being in love. Movies & stories about love. Seeing people in love. It's all SO beautiful to me.."
Strange as it seems, maybe this is how I heal. I know that everyone has their own healing process, and maybe this is it for me. To be covered in invisible scars and know how each one hurt like the back of my hand. Maybe I won't feel perfectly fine again, but I don't think it's such a bad thing.
I guess I want to remember the nights I cried myself to sleep.
I want to recall all the silent conversations I had with the stars.
I want to be able to replay memories of my old, hurting self, because they give meaning to how better things are now. They're the reason I get so emotional for all the little things finally going right.
So, yeah. Maybe I'll never be back to my perfect old self again, but I know it doesn't mean I can't shine again.
—Jun Mark Patilan
that younger version of me must have learned a lot from my grown up version and she’s definitely thankful for making it this far. and even growing older, she is still wearing the same heart when she was younger —she has still these childhood dreams she can never outgrow,
and that is somehow finding peace in small things and living life for the ordinary ones—she means, not necessarily for greater things but for genuine happiness and meaningful journey.
Meeting the right person may be considered a blessing for anyone's life but the right person should be met at the right time because if it was not happened he/ she will be a normal person just passing through our lives so, the right person & the right time eventually needs a miracle
We deserve someone who truly loves us 🤍
You're not alone
If there is a void in you and you have been trying to fill it for many years but you still feel empty at night,
If there is a broken home in you and it is causing you more pain with each passing day.
If there is a heart in you that you don't own, you feel as if it is still attached to someone else,
If there is something you want to achieve for your peace but you don't know what it is.
You're not alone
If you're confused about whether to choose yourself or themselves because losing them might cause the same pain you're feeling by not choosing yourself,
If you're uncertain about leaving your past behind, because the past is still your only daily dose of happiness.
If you're going through the phase of carrying a burden, and whatever you have done all your life has become one. Still, you refuse to fight back.
If you're going through the emotional & physical weakness even after knowing it's taking your life away.
Believe me,
You're not alone if you're not living your life up to your expectations; just try to find happiness in small moments. And this too shall pass.
- Sohrab Amaan
Strong people don't have a lots of friend.
They walk alone, fight alone, smile alone & cry alone ❤️🩹💫
People justify being a night owl, but they don't know that by staying awake at night, you give it a shelter in you, and with time, you become a part of that darkness.
I think I'm becoming one—a bad version of myself. Who forgets his laugh within a day as well as how to talk to people with manners. As if I'm living a life close to disastrous. As if all my life I had learned nothing like love.
Love is just an illusion I live in, which makes me happy for days only. But the night is what I'm afraid of now. I don't want to stay awake during my nights; I just want to stop these drills from being so fast so that I can sleep peacefully without a headache.
- Sohrab Amaan
Should I write those down in my laptop and keep it shut forever? Because neither I want to read them again to give them life nor do I want someone else to read them and become their new home.
Or should I write those down in letters and send them back to everyone from where they came? Because the guilt, the regret, the anger, the hate, the cry & tears, the shouts, and the screams are not mine alone. All those people helped me give birth to them in me before leaving. And then they left, so I think it's theirs as well.
Or should I dig a grave for me and wait for the time when they will crawl over my head declaring a victory over someone like me who was left behind, unloved?
Now, I'm weak—emotionally, physically, and metaphorically. I give metaphor of a river while talking about my tears, and silly me, I have built a mountain in me to produce that river, but it's hard to go through for anyone.
So, I think I'm already away from all of my emotions and from people, not to save myself but to save them from drowning in my river or from falling in love with me.
- Sohrab Amaan
I wasn't really feeling myself lately. I felt so empty, and a part of me was losing its sanity. I thought distracting myself is the best way to escape from this feeling, but here I am, losing myself even more every day. I am not alone, right? I am not alone feeling this way. But I wonder what people do when their hearts are feeling empty. I wonder what they do to feel alive.
I wish I could at least try to comfort myself and pretend that I am just having a bad day. I want to convince myself that I am not having a bad life, but this emptiness consumes every piece of me. I hope I could also tell everyone that I'm okay without having a pang of sadness in my chest. I am just really tired of telling people that I'm fine, when the truth is, I'm losing my mind slowly.
No one knows that all this time, I am not okay. But I silently hope that somehow, someone will see it— the tiredness in my eyes and the sadness behind my smiles.
— Shiori X
She has two faces.
One face that she shows the world, loved ones, and in public.
The smiling one.
The happy, friendly, and talkative one.
The confident one full of laughter and positivity.
The face that everyone is used to.
“I’m Losing Feeling Within My Soul”
I’m losing all feeling within my soul
My existence is fading, life is taking its toll
My dream told me not to wake up today
“You’re dying too fast, your soul can’t taste the day
My reality is now dimming all the lights
The darkness appears then my hopes take flight
Down-time, no-time in the corner I sit
Cutting my flesh to disappear, so many bloody bits
To be nothing is a truth of a feeling I own
To live beyond the horizon, I became unknown
This image I hold for my mind's eye to see
Never understanding my ways of what I became to be
Real-time, every time I swallow what I chew
My forgiveness is always free but my trust doesn't exist anymore.
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It hurts when you want to express what you feel, but all you can do is stay quiet.❤️
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I always wonder why healing seems different for me. I mean, others would talk about how they're back to being whole and perfect again after spending time attending to their broken pieces, whereas I always feel like I'm never the same. Like something always remains no matter how invisble the scars look now. My eyes can't see them, but I can definitely feel them with the lightest of touch. Imperfections. They're like a constant reminder everytime my heart fills with joy, that even though I can no longer feel pain from the scar itself, the memory of how much each cut hurt comes back for a split second and the feeling lingers for a little while.
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still, my heart longs for days when my younger self looked a lot happier; days when there was nothing much on her plate but her dreams and innocence; and days when she always wear that genuine smile every time she keeps small things in her hands and she holds them closely in her heart. she was undeniably bold back then, not to mention genuinely reckless—she said what she said, did what she did, but there were times that perhaps she didn’t mean some things. she was a lot of a careless young girl who only cared about dreaming regardless of how the world sees it. there are times that I envy her for she never really cared a lot of fitting in and going after all standards. she played well on stage not because she delivered her dialogues well, but how she made a lot of turns that were not meant to be part of the show. she was indeed stubborn.
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“one day you’ll be genuinely happy you’re alive. keep fighting. it’s going to be worth it.”
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You're not alone,
If you're getting drowned in your own thoughts,
If you're feeling caged inside your body. And wherever you go, there is an urge to run away from everything.
If you're thinking about bursting out and telling everything to someone, but there is none who can understand you,
If you're assuming that someone will come to save you, but the reality is hard to accept for you: no one is coming.
Do you know what I'm feeling?
I'm feeling hundreds of drilling machines trying to pierce into my head, just to get out whatever I have collected in there. Which have equal strength in fighting back with my inner self. And I'm the damage they are causing.
My thoughts and my feelings are not saving me; they are drilling their roots deep into me so that I can't take them out ever. They are trying to replace my cells with whatever I consume. I consume fights, hate, anger, shouts, and moreover, a personal space filled with no light. I consume darkness because I'm a night owl.
I'm getting away from me, from my emotions; I don't feel them anymore. At least, not all of them. I feel some, related to destruction, which I had buried in the fear that they might eat me from the inside. And I was stupid to bury them in my heart; now when they have eaten every other emotion, I only feel them.
I know it's a sign for me to take some steps to stop it from coming into my head. But where should I bury them now?
