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Story to tickle your belly @reddit2telegram @r_channels JEET is the administrator
Using an AI to write theater plays Exquisite Corpse style—would love any participation!
I'm using AI Dungeon to write theater plays for a school project, and the second part of the project requires the help of total strangers! I'd love if anyone would like to participate. If so, I would send you the last few lines generated by the AI, then you would respond in 1-3 sentences to continue the story!
https://redd.it/n50d9w
@r_funnystories
I stole my dads stuffed owl
I’ll probably sound mean in this story but me and my mom thought this was hilarious just based on our relationship with him. Also, I had no idea it would go to this extent.
My (20F) dad has had this stuffed animal owl named “Woodsy” for basically his whole life (he’s 52 now). He would always shove it in my face and make a weird voice acting as if the owl was talking. One day I was mad at him and I said “fuck it” and stole this owl and put it in my dresser drawer. I go to my moms house for a couple days (parents are divorced). A little backstory, when my parents were still together my mom thought that the owl was disgusting (rightfully so) and after they divorced my dad accused her of throwing it away but then a couple years later he found behind a dresser. So after I stole the owl, I wait and see if my dad or stepmom would text me. Sure enough, they did later that night.
My dad texted me “Hey have you seen Woodsy?” Then later on my stepmom texts me “Have you seen that damn owl?” (She isn’t a big fan either). I say “no” to both of their texts and act like I’m concerned about it.
A couple days later I go back to my dads house and he’s still upset and I think “he has suffered enough” then I get Woodsy out of my drawer and throw underneath my little brothers bed trying to frame him (it looks like a tornado went through that room). I wait a couple days and nobody has said anything to me. I go back over to my moms house and then the day afterwards they text me saying “We found Woodsy!” then I say “omg!” all surprised and shit. Then I ask them where the found it and they say “Under LB’s bed”. I say “omg so he took it??” but then they say “oh it probably just rolled under there”. (They never think the kid does anything wrong so they always have an excuse for him, that’s another reason why I put it under his bed, to see how they would deal with it). After that I go back to my dads house and when I get there my dad is shoving that damn owl in my face again. This was a couple years ago and I’m planning on doing it again soon, and taking it to my moms house for a long time. I wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t shove the damn owl in my face, but me and my mom got some laughs out of it for the karma.
https://redd.it/n415se
@r_funnystories
Church fart
One time when I was in middle school I went to church camp and like the second day there we were all in a big auditorium with fantastic acoustics and they closed out the worship and preaching with prayer and it got real deep and stuff and the place got silent while we were praying and a guy a few seats down farted (we were sitting on metal chairs in a big auditorium with great acoustics).... anyways, some people laughed and let it go but me, I have the humor of a child and farts are just what does it for me and I couldn’t stop laughing. So, a group of leaders approached me thinking I was crying and like 12 people had their hands on me and were praying out loud and the situation just made me laugh even harder. It was extremely awkward. I’m 31 years old and I still remember this shit today.
https://redd.it/n3lkiz
@r_funnystories
"It's a Corvette" "No it's a Dodge"
This is a funny little story that happened when I was in my early 20s and working for a local store and eatery. I typically rode my bike to work and sometimes got there early because I didn't wanna risk being late. One day I got to work with 15 minutes to spare. So I sat in the eatery to watch the TV for a few minutes before my shift started.
There was a girl with bleach-blonde hair sitting near me. And I noticed the TV was playing The Dukes Of Hazard. As I saw their trademark car go by on screen I decided to make some conversation with the girl. This is paraphrased a bit from what I remember.
Me "Hey. You know what model of car the Dukes drive is?"
She turns her head slightly and says "It's a Corvette."
I literally did a double take at this girl calling the General Lee a Corvette and retorted "That is not a Corvette! That is a 69 Dodge Charger! Corvettes are smaller and sleeker!"
Then she started nodding her head while dismissing me and just said "Oh it's a Corvette. I know!"
I again stated the car was in no way a Corvette.
She looked back at me with complete belief I was wrong written all over her face and said "No it's a Corvette. I saw a thing about it on TV."
I sighed and said "If you're referring to the Dukes of Hazard documentary, I've seen it. And it was stated many times in said documentary that, THAT is a 69 Dodge Charger! It looks nothing like a Corvette! The brands aren't even similar! They're completely different companies!"
Finally she fully looked at me and said "OK OK! Geez! It's a Charger then!"
And that's when my boss came walking in and said "Oh you met my daughter."
I just wanted to sink to the floor out of embarrassment that I just got into an argument with my own boss's daughter over a car while at work. Thankfully nothing was ever said or done about it. I later learned the girl just had a rather condescending personality and didn't get along with her parents much. So she was rarely home.
https://redd.it/n2jnb1
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Sriracha
So I go to this overnight camp in July and some crazy stuff goes down there. This is the shortest of the stories so I'm posting it here, I might cost more.
Anyways, so one day one of my friends, Jeff, was chasing my other friend, Bob, around the cabin because he stole his keychain and everyone else was watching them. So Jeff pushed Bob into the shelves at the back of the cabin and our Councilor, Larry's bag fell off and landed on it's side, the bag was open and a bottle of Siriacha rolled out. Bob yelled "No food in the cabins!" And Larry fucking says "A raccoon is not gonna come in here and suckle on Siriacha!"
https://redd.it/n1vxwc
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I thought my coworker was puking in the store
My coworker ate a mouthful of crackers in the back and started coughing and bent down and cracker crumbs came out chewed and unchewed and I started screaming oh my god and cowering in the corner butting up against my boss as we both just freaked out shouting oh my god before she got up and laughed. I made her clean up the mess on the floor cause I laughed and said I was tired of looking at it! 😂
https://redd.it/n0ylg3
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That Time I Got Half-Naked abs Pissed Myself in the Amazon Parking-lot...
Cool story, sis/bro...(there will be lots of typos)
I had a job orientation appointment today at 530, an hour away from my home. I didn’t want to reschedule because the sooner I get this done the sooner I can start working. Now, as many of you know, I have a medically weak bladder. So I chugged the rest of my gallon (about a third) between 217 and 420 when I left my home.
Oofda.
I got on the road and had the nerver to think “ this isn’t so bad. Maybe my bladder is getting stronger!” I was excited. Elated. So proud of my body for adapting and overcoming. Then, I parked in the parking lot of the building. It was a huge parking lot. About six long rows with knee in between each. At least 100 people were killing around outside leaving the building to head home. I stepped out of my vehicle and felt the need to go.
It hit me like a Mac truck. It was immediate. I reverted to my childhood mantra (before diagnosis): go to the trash pile. Go to the trash pile. Don’t come back til I tell you too. Do I need to tell you that that didn’t work?
I speed walked to the door, thinking I’ll ask to go before orientation. I get to the door and there’s a sign that says “if you’re here for the mandatory orientation, do to door D014 at the end of the building. <—-“ I was standing in front of door D002. So, I pinch my pelvic
Floor as much as I can and speed walk to D014. I get there and they have all the COVID precautions in place, which I would have appreciated if I wasn’t in such a tight. The woman comes out and asks for my two forms of ID then, which I had to slide across a table to her so she didn’t touch my hands even though she had on gloves. 🤔
Anyway, she takes the documents and goes back inside. I’m standing in the Fourier walking in place, praying, walking in circles; any and everything I could to to just get my body to hold on.
After five minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore. I got the lady’s attention without banging on the glass window like the pee was banging against my bladder. She walked slowly out and I told her straight up “Ma’am. I’m so sorry, but I’m in an urgent need for the bathroom.” At this point, I’m wringing my fingers, stepping in place, darn near crying piss. She looks at me and goes “I’m sorry, but we don’t have public restrooms. There’s a gas station about five minutes up the road...” she looks at her watch “but you’ll have to be back by 545.” It was 536.
“Done.” I said abs ran out the doors.
Now, logistics kicked in as I walked all the way back to my car. Even if I made it there and used the restroom I probably wouldn’t get a decent parking spot and would be late. So, with literally 100 people walking out of the doors, I got into my car, pushed the steering wheel all the way back, scooted my chair back, and tried to aim into a large cup I had in the car.
Do I need to tell you how this turned out? Doesn’t matter, I’m gonna tell you anyway.
Pee for everywhere. I’m talking the floorboard, the seat, the back of my pants; everywhere. I felt relieved that my bladder was empty, but now. I had six minutes to figure out how to not me a now show to this appointment with piss all over me.
So, I found a towel in my car, put that in the seat to soak up the urine. I’m a cheap woman, so my seat covers are t-shirts with a message. These ones are green and they say “protect our forests” I could age water the forest with all the Ayer coming out of me, but I digress.
I was wearing a black sweat shirt that aaant long enough to cover my soaking butt. So, I took it off, in the middle of the busy parking lot, tied it around my waist, put on the geeen forest shirt, put my camera on and propped it on the door so I can make sure no wet spots were showing on my backside, and ran back up to the building to complete the orientation.
I opened the door at 543.
The lady that took my badge photo (a different lady that the first one) asked me how I was and I told her she wouldn’t believe me if I told her. She laughed, and I kept my legs together to
my exwife may have had four legs, hooves, and antlers, but she made love like an animal
back im college i was briefly married to a moose. tho it didn't last mainly due to our political differences, she did however open up the possibilities of my world sexually
https://redd.it/n0kesm
@r_funnystories
My Mom's farts
I dont know what it is, maybe it has something to do with what she eats, but my mom has the deadliest farts ever! In my 31 years I've yet to actually hear my mom drop the hammer but the smell is so distinct and rotten that she's guilty the second she lets one rip. The thing is, she rips cord with the best of them. At the dinner table, in line at Costco, Walgreens, Safeway, it really doesn't matter. She has no preferences, it's green light no holds barred.
Every time she's confronted about it, she plays stupid, pretends like it's an accident or she, "cant control it." I'm not buying that. In fact, I'll even take it a step further. I honestly believe my mom uses her toxic fumes as a form of entertainment. I think she gets off on it. How else can you explain stopping by Yumi Yogurt every single time she goes to Costco. My mom always farts @ Costco. It's automatic. There hasn't been one single time where I've been to Costco with my mom and she hasn't farted. And let me tell you something, may God have mercy on your soul if you are standing directly behind her when she drops the Yumi Yogurt hammer on you! It's bad enough that she could light up about two thirds of the entire warehouse, but if she cuts loose and you catch it head on, you better man up and go pick up a huge jar of tomato sauce and a World War 2 German gas mask. It just aint right.
I'm not even sure if Yumi Yogurt is to blame. She rolls through Costco eating up all the free samples like she's competing in the Olympics. She'll load up on Yogurt, cheese balls, cup cakes, orange juice, she'll even circle the store 2 or 3 times until they finally notice her. Then she'll go get in line and ultimately it'll take about a minute before she breaks wind but let me tell you something, thats when all hell breaks loose.
You have to understand, the fart is so rotten that you can't even pretend you don't notice it. It's unavoidable. It's like a human stink bomb. So of course everybody is standing in line wanting answers to the same question which is, "Who farted?" Everybody starts looking at each other like they are playing the board game Clue. This is actually my favorite part of going to Costco with my mom. She should get an Academy Award for every time she farts and then plays like she didn't do it. She'll start lookin' around, everybody else is looking at eachother, it's basically like a game of Texas Hold 'Em. Some people even become animated and start pulling their shirts up over their noses. My mom just looks around like, "Oh dear, who farted?" She knows it's her! The least she can do is apologize.
The amazing part is my moms' ability to get her gas high up in the jet stream. Her farts have an unbelievable carry to them. It definately doesnt run in the family because my farts seemingly have a 2 foot radius about them. I'm lucky is somebody smells one of my farts. My mom's farts are like a towering, majestic Barry Bonds home run ball that lands into McCovey Cove. The distance they cover is truly amazing.
Then there's my dad who has his own defense mechanism. I call it, "Run For Your Life." The second my dad catches wind that his wife just cut the cheese, he makes a run for it! He'll be in the middle of a conversation and just bounce outta dodge. He Carl Lewis' out the door as if he's being chased by this haunted, golden brown cloud. The funny part is the minute my mom farts and my dad makes a run for it, 9 times out of 10 he looks like the guy who did it! I try to tell him it looks like a fart and run but he figures he looks guilty regardless.
It all came to a head this past weekend in Hawaii. We're boarding the plane and right when we take our seats the pilot comes on and says United Airlines is having some technical difficulty with the PCU unit or some shit. Oh, and the air condition doesn't work either. So we're sitting in this hot and humid airplane for an hour while they fix the problem, no air conditioning and the plane is jam packed with people. Real hot and stuffy. So what happens next? Of course my mom drops hammer!
No, this wasn't the
The time I beat a supposed Poker champ
This happened some ten years ago during my sister's baby shower for her third child. All the men were shooed into a small room and we played poker to pass the time. There was at least 6 or 7 of us playing at the table. And each one of us put a few bucks in the pot to see who'd win it all. I was put at the very end of the table. And the guy who was opposite of me was talking about all the things he's won in poker. He said he'd won everything from money to motorcycles playing poker in the US and Europe. Apparently he used to be in the Navy and got to travel a lot. Since I don't remember this guy's name, I'll call him Andy for the story.
I'm not really a good poker player. I barely know anything about the game. But somehow I managed to stay in it longer than the others. We used chips instead of the cash for the betting, so after a few rounds some of the guys ran out of chips and were out of the game. Many were quick to bet. But a few early folds saved me from any big losses.
Apparently Andy's bragging during a few hands was enough to make everyone else fold at least once. Even my card shark of a brother in law folded a few times. But he went all in on one round and Andy put him out of the game because he lost all his chips. And so did almost everyone else. Soon we were in the last round. I didn't really have anything left to lose, and the other guy still playing folded. And I actually had a ok hand with two pairs of high cards. Though I figured Andy would easily outdo me.
We were at final hands of the final game and the guy was giving me a proper stare-down with the raised eyebrow. I decided "Screw it!" and figured it was still worth it to play till the end. So I said I was all in and pushed all my chips to the center of the table. Andy questioned if that was wise. But I just figured win or lose at least I'll finish. He then pushed all his chips in to meet my bet and we faced each other in total silence for a moment.
Finally Andy yelled "DAMMIT! HE CALLED MY BLUFF!" and threw his hand down to reveal he'd been going for something, but was a card short to complete the hand, leaving him with pretty much nothing. Andy was a good sport, but also showed clear disbelief to have lost to the underdog. I got the money and soon everyone went home. I won't say how much cash I got. But I bought a video game with it.
https://redd.it/mywsfj
@r_funnystories
A Short Funny Story From School
During the biology lesson, the teacher asks, “Tell me, children, what does the chicken give you?”
A student rose his hand and said, “It gives us meat!”
The teacher, “Good! Now, what does the pig give you?”
Another student answered, “Bacon!”
The teacher, “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
.... www.super-funny.com
https://redd.it/mxqpx7
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The best pun I've ever done
In 4th grade for valentines day I printed a card with a heart and one word, "groove". and once everyone got looked at them I asked the teacher to play this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4TC2D7uGqs
The best part is some people new the song
https://redd.it/mxhikt
@r_funnystories
When cigs were still the “in”
Me and a couple friends were partying and they were out of cigarettes. I’m enjoying my beer out on the stairs and I see these kids smoking cigarettes at around 3am. I decided to walk over and ask them if they can spare a few for the guys and girls at the party but then I noticed one of the kids was the nephew of my best friends. Once I got close, the kids scrambled. My best friends nephew, he did a round around the block and was actually hiding from me a house down from where the party was. He comes out from under the stairs thinking he’s caught and I didn’t even see him hiding there. I ask him for a few sticks and he goes “if you don’t tell my uncle, I’ll give you the whole pack.”
https://redd.it/mv91ro
@r_funnystories
KFC Anyone?
This is probably my most told story that I will literally tell strangers in the hallway if we talk long enough.
So when I got my drivers license I was on my way home from passing my test and demolished a partridge on the highway. Like “had to pull it out of the grill” demolished. Ever since that faithful day I’ve hit a bird of some kind every year since I got my license, up until we moved into the city.
The next bird encounter was on the road I lived on. We get a lot of Sunday drivers, and a lot of “hey honey, how bout we stop right here in the middle of the lane to talk to our friend out for a walk” types of drivers. So I turn out of my driveway and get 20kms and there’s a truck with an old couple in it stopped on the side of the road. Nothing new, signal left and pedal to the metal, only this time they were stopped in front of like 3 partridge in the ditch hidden by the front of their truck, and me passing them spooked them into running directly in front of my moms mini van and I blasted 2 of them with the top of my hood. One of them flies through the air over the back of the van and fucking splats off the side of his truck and onto the road. Being the mature 20 year old I was, I gtfo’d.
The last and most memorable bird encounter was after me and my dad JUST finished fixing up an old sports car for me to use. I was excited as hell so I took it to town to show off as soon as it was done. On my way home after a long day of flexing my new wheels, I’m listening to music and it’s a nice day so I have my sunglasses on and am basically just zoning out after a long drive home when BAM! an explosion of feathers erupts from the front of my car and this partridge is bouncing off my hood, it ricochets off my drivers side mirror and gets sucked into my opened drivers window. It’s still barely alive so it’s having a fucking meltdown in my back seat and center console, feathers are EVERYWHERE in the back and front of my car (and yes, I’m allergic to those). After this thing calms down and I’ve pulled over I got out to pat the feathers off my self and assess the damage. I checked in my back seat to try to find the bird, and here it was upside down with both legs sticking out the top of an emptied family KFC bucket I happened to have sitting in the back seat.
https://redd.it/mu1fth
@r_funnystories
Gem from my childhood.
So my parents would often take us up to the city every weekend for shopping, and one time we decided to hit up toys r us and browse. We both ended up having to use the bathroom so we go down together and I finish first so I could stand in the bathroom and wait for my brother to finish as well.
We hear a few booming coughs and this enormous biker decked out in full leather pretty much kicks the door down and dives into the bathroom. He’s in there for 5 seconds, and let me just say, this man must have been in pure gut wrenching agony before hitting that seat, because all we heard was a slight whimper and then the most unholy eruption of sound and smell came from his stall with little whimpers mixed in. Me and my brother were certainly not mature enough to handle this situation, and I’m literally crossing my fingers hoping my brother doesn’t start laughing and piss off this hells angels looking dude.
My brother absolutely loses his shit figuratively and literally. He’s laughing in the stall beside this guy so hard that my dad came in the bathroom to see what was going on and he starts chuckling as well, and that turns into all 3 of us almost passing out with laughter at the expense of this poor biker. We all high tailed it out of there before he finished, but it’s probably one of my favorite funny stories to tell.
https://redd.it/mtuwmt
@r_funnystories
Dad has a way with words
I can remember being about 11 years old, I was trying to come to terms with my own mortality.
I broke down and sobbed to my Dad that I didn't want to die and for him and my mom to die as well.
It went on and we got to discussing being very elderly and being so close to the end- and how scary that must be.
Dad's line to comfort me:
*"Oh Dusty, when you get that old you'll be ready to die"*
Obviously in hindsight in makes sense, but my 11 year old self was just like, "READY TO DIE?! O_O"
https://redd.it/n4iae1
@r_funnystories
I knew you'd need those cables!
This happened a couple of years ago. My stepdad has always been a king of denial when something goes bad, and typically only fixes it if he has to. And he always likes to jerry rig something, but that almost never works. He has an old Suzuki motorcycle he likes to ride. It's one of those ones that's designed to imitate a Harley Davidson in appearance. But it's battery is also located in a funky place in the lower frame. And it takes a mechanic to get to it and swap it out.
No surprise my stepdad had to have some work done on the bike eventually. It needed to have the clutch repaired. And after it was fixed it didn't want to start. The mechanic said the battery was likely not holding a charge anymore because it was dead for so long. But my stepdad being the king of denial that he is, decided the battery was still ok and he didn't need to have a new one put in because that'd be at least another $100. So the mechanic brought out another fully charged motorcycle battery to jump the Suzuki with. But the starter wasn't cranking hard enough. So they tried a different motorcycle battery and the same thing happened. Then they tried connecting both batteries together, and then run them in sync. But the result was the same.
Nothing was working so the mechanic actually started up an old 70s RV he had parked around back and used it to jump the bike. And it worked. I questioned my stepdad on whether the bike would make it home since he was going out to dinner with my mom instead of going strait home. He dismissed my concern and said he'd be fine, and that the alternator would charge the battery that was currently in the bike. But something told me it wouldn't.
I stopped at our local Bimart to pick up a few things and saw a set of cheap jumper cables for $9. So I bought them. Then I went over to the restaurant where my parents were at to meet up with them and have dinner as well. And while there I gave them the jumper cables. My stepdad didn't think it was necessary as the bike was "Fine". But I still insisted he take the cables just in case. It made things a little awkward as he kept acting like the bike would start right up after he'd run it for literally only two miles on a bad battery.
I finished my food before my parents and went home. I saw them the next day and asked about the jumper cables. My stepdad froze. He had a look like a combination of being caught with his hand in a cookie jar and a deer in headlights. Then he got sheepish and said he wasn't supposed to tell me. But he did end up needing the cables as the motorcycle wouldn't start without them. Apparently it was my mom's idea to not tell me. But he knew I'd figure it out when he gave them back to me unwrapped. So he came clean.
I laughed my butt off and said "I knew it! Did I call that happening or what!". My mom walked in a little while later and my stepdad gave her a look and said "He knows...". She rolled her eyes and I laughed again.
We used those cables a few more times, but sadly my stepdad later fried them running a load they were not designed to take. Oh well. They were cheap.
https://redd.it/n3wkhp
@r_funnystories
The Bigger Idiot!
This was a conversation I overheard from my neighbouring son and father's fight.
So a little of a back story here first.
The father (Am going to call him Albert) was arguing with his son (Am going to call him James) over going to some place for a vacation. The argument went something like this:
Albert: We go to this place! Where I tell we go there.
James: NO! "We" are going so you should ask for everyone's opinion in the house! Mom and I don't want to go there! Our opinions too matter.
By now I started feeling guilty of "Overhearing Them" but they two were screaming on the top of their voices.........
Albert: Why should I ask my wife? What does she know!!
James: Ask her that is ethics. If you don't care then you are a pathetic idiot!!
Albert is now fuming with anger.
James (trying to do some damage control while at the same time moving closer to the door of the house): And Mom is the bigger idiot!!!
This caught all of us of guard.
James continues by saying: She married an idiot like you!!
And then he ran out of the house.
https://redd.it/n328tm
@r_funnystories
As a kid I mistook one person as two different person.
When I was kid, I used to watch a movie which basically was an actor's very old movie which means I was watching a movie of that man being in his 20s when he actually was maybe in his 50s or 60s. But my mind didn't work this much so I got confused that how are there two actors with exactly same name and why do they look very similar but one is young and one is old. I thought they're completely different people. And nobody ever corrected me. I just realized it one day and was like, Oh!
https://redd.it/n21bwm
@r_funnystories
I waited 3 years to make this post. Yes. I . Did.
So I waited a couple years to post this up on reddit. However hilarious it was, im not an ass hole. I didnt want him to see this, I feel like he was half expecting me to post this up somewhere. So here it is. Ive removed names anything that could give away location and identity but this is RAW, i have not edited messages.. this legit happened.
And to any guys reading this post, please dont do this, this is not how you flirt.
For those wondering why i never blocked him.. well curiosity mostly, I wondered how far he would take it. I deleted the first 7 or 8 message threads in 2017-18 because I repeatedly told him to stop blowing up my phone and so he proceeded to send me a photo of him in his boxers with a boner. I sincerely feel like the first year or two he genuinely liked me, and i was nice to him.. but the longer i went ignoring him, the more his messages began to feel like a troll. But the last message... that is what made all of this so worth it. =>
Some photos are out of order towards the end. I got lazy. but its all there. lol. Good luck. Take a Barf bag.
https://imgur.com/a/ImmedN0
https://redd.it/n1q2je
@r_funnystories
keep the sweater in place.
I don’t know if anyone noticed that I was walking funny and had the faint smell of warm water around me. Don’t care. I need to get this job and rescheduling was not an option.
I kept my back away from people as much as I could and kept tugging at the black sweater I tied around my waist.
Old me would have been embarrassed, but I just laughed at myself when I returned to my car, looked in my rear view mirror abs said “Well, we made that work, didn’t we!”
Oh, and just in case you wanted to know, the job is Amazon.
This was the biggest proof of mental change I could have asked for.
https://redd.it/n0uodl
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Corporate Walrus
SOURCE: www.cocoabean.space
A fortunate walrus stumbled upon a note left in the break room vending machine. It came to him attached to the chocolate bar he purchased. The note told him to quit his job, as the building his company was housed in was due to be demolished. It was not known who was to do this or when it was to happen, but the walrus strongly felt that he should heed this timely warning. He decided not to tell any of his colleagues, as he had never liked any of them.
He made his way rather hastily to his boss’ office, where he informed his boss he was resigning, effective immediately. He ignored his boss’ protests at the lack of notice given; and the threats of not being eligible to receive a severance package. They would later meet in court, although the walrus preferred not to waste his precious time on such trivial matters. The walrus had a top-notch lawyer and he was confident that he would win. The walrus also knew that giving notice upon leaving a job is not a legal requirement, but a courtesy, and while this was not widely known, it was the truth. He was a knowledgeable walrus and his egotistical boss stood no chance. The walrus was so surprised at his boss’ lack of control over his emotions and stupidity, that he forgot to bask in the beautiful feeling of knowing that someone he loathed would soon be dead.
The walrus collected his belongings together and exited the building. He hailed a taxi and asked to be taken to the building across the road so that he could watch the demolition. The note had not specified when the event would take place, but the walrus felt that it would be soon. He entered the building opposite, which happened to be a hotel, and got a room with a view of his office building. He ordered room service and a prostitute and waited for them patiently, hoping they would arrive before the demolition, so that he could enjoy all three things at the same time. Around thirty minutes later, his orders arrived, and he occupied himself with both, growing increasingly agitated at the lack of any explosive downfall across the road.
His disappointment would grow to become immeasurable, softened only by the pleasure he received from the food and sex, because the entire sequence of events was the result of a foul prank. That bitch, Sharon from HR, had left the note as a joke. She hated the walrus, and she knew that his fat ass always bought those chocolate bars, so she devised a foul plan to get rid of him. She was always jealous of his position as procurer of small aquatic creatures, and she wanted it for herself. But since she was not a walrus, she could have no prior experience in such a role, and so her chances of obtaining the job were minimal. Now, due to Sharon’s lack of common sense and abundance of HR power, the walrus and his family would become homeless, then probably starve to death. Sharon had effectively murdered the only family of anthropomorphic walruses to ever exist in the U.S.A.
https://redd.it/n0m5h6
@r_funnystories
Yumi Yogurt blast either. This was some straight up Hawaiian Lua dead animal type shit. I mean it was straight up rotten times 10 with a touch of coconut. At first I thought the smell was some kind of militant nerve gas. Seriously. Plus, I saw a couple sketch looking guys sitting in row 23. Then I realized it was my mom because she was silently giggling. Oh I forgot to mention my mom giggles when she farts. She thinks it's funny.
So the whole plane just reeks of dead animal eggs, people are literally gagging, I heard the lady about 3 rows back say, "I can't take it anymore..." and believe me, she wasn't talking about the heat. I was sitting right next to her and I thought I was going to die.
https://redd.it/n03wyl
@r_funnystories
ME AND WAN DIM SON AND THE COLBRA AVDENTURE!
Hello, and thank gu for reading my brog.
Me and friend Wan Dim Son, walked around one sunny day, looking for the erusive Asian hooded spiiting cobra. We got a bus going fram Hai Koo Gon to Dis Won Gway, went to wet meat market, but no colbra. Then we got back on bus, went to ribrary to look up more infos on hooded spitting cobra, but non one help..Me and Wan Dim got back on bus to go out and re stop at school bus for colrege girls. We got off at virlage for with tiny huts thatched with straws, to walk to nother wet meat market to look for Asian hooded spitting corbra, and girra got off. She say her name is Lin Dong, or Ni Ling, me not member. We forlow Ni Ling down road to tiny huts, but Ni Ling say 'please don't forlow me, my father is angry man', but me and Wan Dim not lissen. Ni Ling woked to house, and run inside, Wan Dim and me see a big basket on front yard of hut!! We run to it for to look inside, but no see any hooded spitting cobras in dere. Fater comes running outside, big swatting stick with brustles, chase a me and Wan Dim Son around yard. He say 'you no ravish my dotter you rascle, I kill you ded', but me and Wan Dim not lissen, and run away in our fake sneakers. We losted him (we think). We go down side arley, find a market on cobberstone road. Still running, but Wan Dim Son shoerace get a stuck in cobberstone, and he trippin! He fawr on he face, I turn round to halp hims back up, and here come man with shakey swatting stick, he behind us. But! What happen? You word never gassed it. Out from the bush, what comes? Asian hooded spitting colbra! It bit he on the leg, HARD. Man go down, boom.
Me and Wan Dim Son rafted so hrad, we think we may have for peed ourserves too, it wars funny HAHAHAHA Her har !!!
Frank yu for rearding my brog. We a never catched the cobra thoug. :(:(
https://redd.it/mzp3rd
@r_funnystories
I put my butt on a lit fire place.
This was when I was a little baby, my Dad had a serious job as a plane engineer and my Mom was a stay at home woman and this was around 2006 and it was 10:00 AM in the morning, Well anyway I was in the living room of the house and my Mom was in the kitchen preparing food for when my Dad got back from work and in the living room was a fireplace that was lit and it had no cover placed in front of it, So someone could just waltz in the fire. So when my Mom decided it was a brilliant idea to go take a shower and not watch with her parental vision I decided to start crawl into an open fire now I did get 1st, 2nd, or 3rd degree burns I instead had a diaper on that caught on fire. But the best part was when my Mom got out of the shower she noticed that there was smoke in the house and she walked into the living room and then she saw my ass was literally on fire, now let me just remind you my mom only had on a towel no clothes or nothing just a towel, So using her motherly instinct she had took off the towel she had on and was literally swatting my ass with a towel while being naked in the living room. She did finally put out the fire but what was hilarious of what she told my Dad, my Dad had came home in the afternoon and my Dad had asked how my Mom’s day was and she told him what had happened and she said “Yeah, raising him is like raising a Baby Ghost Rider fan.” And I am now 15 years old and my Mom had sadly passed away and I remember when she told me that story at the age of 12. So I just wanted to say love you Mom and I miss you, P.S. Thanks for putting my ass out.
https://redd.it/myjk3z
@r_funnystories
Take a picture, it'll last longer!
This tale happened about 5(?) years ago, and is probably the funniest I've ever posted on this sub.
I was going to a comiccon in my city with my dad and his gf. They weren't wearing cosplay, but I had a DeadPool mask and T-shirt on.
Anyway, we were walking down a street next to a main road and on the road, there was a coach full of kids (maybe 11 years old at the time?). 1 kid noticed me and, I kid (hehe) you not, literally every kid on the left-hand side of the coach (UK here) stared at me, the guy walking down the street with a DeadPool mask and T-shirt on.
https://redd.it/mxj7yc
@r_funnystories
The time I was turned into a meme
So this one time, me and a dude from Discord who had been friends for a while started beefing about some stupid shit (i don’t even remember how it started at this point) so we were roasting each other back and fourth and shit, nothing serious.
So a bit later, I was browsing the Reddit, as ya do, when I came across a post on r/okbuddyretard, and spotted myself of all people
Turns out the guy had taken a screen cap of me from my youtube channel, and photoshopped me onto a picture of that one rage comic, the one where the guy is like “i don’t want to exercise today”, and they had poorly photoshopped my face into the rage guy’s face in the comic, and then on the second panel where it’s supposed to show whatever anime character that makes the guy exercise, they put a picture of the dog from animal crossing
They then went one step further and said I made the meme and posted it on discord, so they had just reposted it
Now, at the time, my youtube channel was fairly small (which it still is), and I wasn’t used to a shitload of people seeing my face yet, but this post had gotten like 17000 upvotes, so you can imagine I was slightly uncomfortable with more people than my total YouTube view count at the time all seeing my face, and believing that I actually made the (cringe) meme myself
So I disputed the claim of making the meme as much as possible on the post, and eventually got the guy to remove the post
And that is why I am now on a KnowYourMeme page, in a comic with the dog from animal crossing
Thanks for listening to my TedTalk
https://redd.it/mxd6a9
@r_funnystories
Best $1.00 ever
So I was setting my alarm on my Alexa, you know about the add ons you can buy for your Alexa to make them do different things? Well after I set my alarm my Alexa said “By the way, Samuel L Jackson’s voice can wake you up in the morning and tell you jokes for the payment of $1.00”
So every morning I start the day with Samuel L Jackson yelling MOTHERFUCKER at me and telling me the weather.
https://redd.it/mugdf9
@r_funnystories
First time on edibles
Alright here's a gem from this lock down shit. I tried edibles for the first time this year and I ate 4 of them. My country Croatia had been hit by a series of earthquakes and everyone was on edge because of them. After I ate the 4th edible, I was tripped out on the table and it was shaking a bit, or I thought it was. Then all the other guys noticed it and we all thought that we were gonna die. We were laughing our asses off at that tho.
What about you guys, any interesting weed experiences?
https://redd.it/mtva9h
@r_funnystories
Co-worker plans a prank
Hi all I just remembered this because me and another of my friends were just talking about somethings that I had to mention it.
Cast-
OP-Me of course
AW-Awesome worker
So before the pandemic I had gotten a idea that I wanted to take a train trip (Seattle, WA to San Fransico, CA then on to New York) all by train as I wanted to take the time to enjoy just the trip as flying meant that I could be at my destination in a day without seeing it all from the ground. Not to mention that its cheaper to travel on the train while of course I would fly home once my trip once done.
Of course that kind of went out the window when COVID hit but I am still planning on it. One day I was talking with AW about it while working, now you got to realize that during work the crew I work with enjoy joking around and talking while we work so I was shocked and amused when he stated this.
"OP, we were planning on calling the FBI and telling them that you were a escape mental patient that had killed the real OP so they wouldn't believe you no matter what." AW stated with a wide grin. Again I was shocked then amused because I knew that they wouldn't do it but I had to fire back at it with.
"You know, AW if and once I got out I would be hunting you down and beating the crud out of you. They would probably find my cell with writing of 'KILL AW!' over and over again think of the scene from Ace Ventura when he walks into Ray Frinkle's room.
We laughed about it and give each other so crud about it just for the heck of it.
https://redd.it/mtu3vm
@r_funnystories