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Story to tickle your belly @reddit2telegram @r_channels JEET is the administrator
My old boss.
I worked for this guy for about 9 months installing flooring. Dude was a hack.
We installed a product called Cali Bamboo. I guess it’s notoriously bad flooring - at least according to some floor installers.
Under his direction (ive been doing this for only a few months at this point vs his 10+ years.) we completely botched this install. Two months later we had to tear it up and reinstall. If anyone’s curious we took the opportunity to install it wrong the second time too.
By this time I’ve done some research and understand better how to install it.
Well Old Boss is on the phone with the homeowner. I text my wife.
“Old Boss is lying through his rotten teeth (he had terrible hygiene practices) totally bullshitting the homeowner. He’s an actual moron”
But I didn’t text my wife.
I sent the text to Old Boss.
This is about to be an awkward day.
I jumped up went, over to Old Boss and asked him to put his phone on speaker and hand it to me.
He did so and I was able to delete the text and hand him his phone back.
I now know better and double check who I am texting before hitting send now.
https://redd.it/nnh6mm
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The haunted sandwich toaster
Gather round, children, and harken to the tale of the haunted sandwich toaster...
I awoke in the night to the sound of an electronic cow mooing three times. At first I thought nothing of it. Strange noises could sometimes be heard through the walls of my flat, so this wasn't that unusual. I went back to sleep.
Then I was woken up by the same mooing again. Three times the cow mooed, and was silent! This time I got up and tried to find out what on earth was making the noise.
In the kitchen, I got lucky. The cow-noise mooed again, and I looked up to find its source.
It was my old 'Daisy' sandwich toaster! A gimmicky sandwich toaster that looked like a cow. It was still up above the kitchen shelves, hidden in its box, as it had been for years.
I took it out, and, to ensure it would moo no more, unscrewed it. I cut all the wires I could find with scissors and threw what was left of it into the bin. I went back to bed, and soon drifted back into a peaceful slumber...
Again, however, I found myself woken by the accursed mooing! I'd done everything I could to destroy the sandwich toaster, what parts still remained to torment me?
Thus, even though the bin bag had very little in it, I went outside into the darkness to dispose of Daisy once and for all. I left it in the bins outside and went back to bed. For all I know, Daisy's mooing can still be heard somewhere out there, in wherever they take the rubbish.
When I finally woke up, safe and sound, the next morning, I swear I heard a last ghostly moo as my alarm was ringing...
I told this story on my blog this week: https://plasmabeamgames.wordpress.com/2021/05/28/the-haunted-sandwich-toaster/
https://redd.it/nn8ffr
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I am shamelessly greedy and territorial with my property and food
I always mark the food that I’ve bought, often with a Union Jack. I know it’s weird, but I identify strongly with Great Britain and I know that greedily claiming things and sticking your flag on them is a very British thing to do.
Anyway, I bought some pierogi, and thought it would be more culturally relevant to put the Soviet hammer and sickle on them. But then I realised that the communist symbol implies that I’m willing to share it. So I just used the Union Jack again.
But THEN, I realised that apart from my dad and me; everybody in the house (mum, sister, and cousin) wouldn’t even recognise it because they know jackshit about European history or culture.
My 17 year old sister for example, doesn’t even know which countries were on which side in either World War. And my mum - who grew up amidst the Cold War - thought Stalin was Italian and a fascist.
https://redd.it/nmrbdz
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My mom saved my life
Mother’s day has long past. But whenever I think of my mother, I think of the day she saved my life. It’s more than likely just “one of those days” that she rescued me from my older brothers shenanigans, but to me? She literally saved my life.
So I’m sitting at my families kitchen table munching on some fritos. I was wishing for some refried bean dip, but fritos are salty and delicious. The salty part is important to note, because as I munch on this tasty snack I realized “each part of my tongue sings a different tune when I eat it” and I know what you’re thinking “every kid in the 90s knows darn well they were taught the ‘salty’ ‘sweet’ ‘bitter’ parts of the tongue!!” well this was my revelation in realizing that was true.
I sat there chewing the fritos on the left side of my tongue, not so sweet. On the right side of my tongue, not so sweet. On the front side of my tongue, not so sweet. All the while my mom is in the kitchen, on the other side of the half divide watching me (because I’m her kid, therefore and idiot. Shortly proven) and then I get the brilliant idea to see what fritos taste like on the very back of my tongue. Where there’s no going back, no take backsies no nothin’.
It’s a gorgeous taste, shortly before my windpipe is blocked totally. I try to express to mom that I can’t breathe and can only stand up slightly. She asks me “are you choking??” as she’s scrubbing pans, and I can only nod helplessly. She drops everything and “panther leaps” behind me, she fists her hands together and hauls me up. Once, twice. Now there’s a frito covered in phlegm on the ground. She pats me on the back, and says “clean that up. Dinner’s soon.” And finishes scrubbing out the pan for meatloaf. My whole world has changed and I appreciate oxygen, and my mother is like “you’re good. Shake it off” I aspire to be my mother. I’m sure my son has his own stories, and will have his own stories. But I don’t think I’ve so nonchalantly saved his life and been like “you’re good, move on”
https://redd.it/nlvx08
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cancer & Cancer
Little embarassing and funny story from when I was 12. So I've always liked stuff like wicca and astrology, and at the time I knew a lot about zodiac signs, but I really liked them just like the fantasy silliness they are, and tbh people who actually believed such stuff really made me laugh my ass off. I'm a Cancer, and one day this girl in my class told me she was a Cancer too, and that she 100% genuinely believed in all that shit. So we started talking about Cancer traits and I wanted to mess with her so I started making up fake info about our sign. Since we had nothing in common in personality but we were very similar physically, I started picking some of our physical features and add them to the Cancer sign profile. I went with bullshit like "yeah it's typical of Cancer people, you never grow and then you go from being a child to being a developed teen in the blink of eye", "you know how sometimes people are born with hair/eye colours that no one in their family has yeah that's your sign affecting your body" and she was there completely hanging on my lips lmao.
Note: In my language, we say "Cancer/Aries/Capricorn" to indicate people with their sign just like in English, but we also say (literal translation) "person of (x sign)". While explaining myself, I would call ourselves that many times, I was constantly saying "people of Cancer".
So after a while another classmate of mine passed by and he stopped next to us looking at us in visible confusion. After a bit he interrupted me with "no that's not what Cancer is like!" and honestly I had no idea how much this kid knew about zodiac and I was afraid he knew I was lying and would tell. The girl goes "what, are you (of) Cancer?" and he goes "no, but I know a lot about it!". I say "well I've spent years studying this stuff so I guess I know too" and he says "but it's not like that! that's not what Cancer does to people!". I'm getting more and more nervous and I ask how he knows that. "I have a friend with cancer!"
The girl and I just looked at each other in realization and we couldn't help but burst into laughs.
"Dude... we're talking about zodiac signs"
https://redd.it/nld8zb
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I drew "a picture of myself" in school
It was the first day of school and I decided I wanted to draw a picture of myself. I thought about what I looked like but didn't think about the idea of private parts being private. I ended up drawing a very poorly drawn stick figure... with a penis.
https://redd.it/nkfj8p
@r_funnystories
My friend onve asksd the teacher to start uploading on onlyfans, but its not what it looks like...
Last year, before the lockdown our french teacher was talking about online classes and how she is getting paid like 10 bucks an hour, and she was asking for platforms to use to upload french lessons, then my friend said : there is a website where you can share pictures videos and live cams, it is called onlyfans, the students have to subsicribe first.
She loved the idea, but we were the only 2 in the class who knew about onlyfans so we bursted laughing and everyone thought that we were crazy or smth, after class the teacher told us to meet her after class, we thought that we were doomed but she wanted us to make her an account for onlyfans
https://redd.it/nkaa3j
@r_funnystories
My German friend gave me a very German answer to a rhetorical question
I complimented her, saying 'Why aren't there more clones of you in the world?'. Obviously, this was a rhetorical question, intended as a compliment.
But she gave me the frank reply 'Because then I wouldn't be special to you'
I hope she never changes. I love that unintentional humour
https://redd.it/njogdy
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Kids are a little too honest
It was nearing peak Covid last October, and, living in SoCal, we had been trapped in our house for months in the heat. Everyone was miserable. Especially my grandparents, whose house has 1 AC unit that doesnt expand beyond one room. So my family and I decided to get away. My family took our car and my grandparents took theirs and we all drove up north where it's much cooler. We stayed at an RV park on the beach in separate trailers. My dad even built a bait launcher from PVC pipe so he could help my grandpa cast his fishing line while maintaining social distance!
We had a nice time, but it was still kind of disappointing to be with your grandparents and not being able to even hug them. Being a lung cancer survivor, grandpa is extremely high risk, so the past 7 months had been textbook CDC restrictions. Noone even left the house unless it was for groceries; grandparents didnt even get to do that. So being able to go on a trip was nice.
when I was sitting outside the trailer, I couldn't help listening to this family across the park talking about their grandparents. Dad was telling his son, who was maybe 7, that they would not be staying at the beach. "Grandma and Grandpa are going to use our trailer and we're going to be in a hotel."
I sat and listened, relating to everything they were talking about. But this kid was not having it. He wanted to stay at the beach. I felt for the little dude. We were lucky enough that grandma and grandpa had their own trailer and all of us could stay at the beach together while being safe. But they had the one and were giving it to the grandparents so they wouldnt be cooped up in a hotel.
Dad kept explaining that grandma and grandpa had been having a very hard time and needed some time outside-- the trailer was a safe way for them to get away.
Dad asked, "Don't you want to keep grandma safe?"
But this kid deadass shouts at the top of his lungs, "I don't even LIKE grandma!"
I had to put my face in my shirt to keep from cry-laughing.
https://redd.it/nghg60
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On of the people in my friend group yelled IS THAT BARACK OBAMA?! In a Minecraft Hive game.
We were playing Hive right and said friend was talking about something that had happened that day you know normal stuff right then all of a sudden she tells IS THAT BARACK OBAMA?! So naturally we all go see after laughing and sure enough it was Barack Obama in a maid outfit. Best. Day. Ever. It's still my favorite story.
https://redd.it/nfcvc5
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When you get told off by your mum for making a joke but you actually weren't
I got told off by my mum for making a particular joke on the fridge. I've been writing Lemon, Lime and Bitters - Murdoch on the food list of things you want during the week so then mum can add it to her weekly grocery list. Murdock is my favorite villain and he's from Macguyver so mum thought that I wanted his favorite drink or something as a joke and keeps getting really confused by it
https://redd.it/ndlegd
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My grandmother used to worry about my vaginal health but oh she was wrong.
My grandmother has always been the one in charge of washing the family's clothes. She would often check my bottom underwear for period accidents and stuff. When I was 13, she started telling me I had a vaginal infection/irritation because my panties would always have whitish liquids on them. She kept going for years, and while I used to have gynecology visits regularly (for other reasons) and my doctor had never had even a remote doubt that I could have anything like infection, she was just being her usual over-apprehensive, over-dramatic self. She started buying specific intimate soaps for irritation and stuff, talked about it with my mother a hundred times, told me a million times, and she would never shut up about it no matter how many times I told her I didn't have anything. She stopped when I was about 17.
I had no idea how to tell her that the whole time I was just constantly horny and wet.
https://redd.it/ncxbl4
@r_funnystories
This pizza came from the future. It wasn't very good.
I don't exactly know if this is the right place to share this, but I felt like I needed to post it somewhere. It's been a good few hours and nothing's gone wrong, but there may be mild TIFU vibes.
There's a small, locally-owned Pizza and Subs place near where I live. While they can make food to order, they also usually have some things, pizza, chicken wings, sandwiches premade for those in a hurry. Today I was running a little behind on my way to work, so I decided I'd go in there and get a couple slices of pizza.
I put my mask on, as you do, walked into the place and up to the counter, looking at what they had on display. I looked at the pizza, and I was immediately doubtful. It didn't look "bad" per say, just like it had been sitting a while, probably wasn't at the pinnacle of freshness. Nevertheless, I had to deliberate on whether or not it was worth it. It was then that the lady behind the counter noticed me.
Lady: Hey, what can I get you?
Me: I was going to get some pizza, but I dunno, it looks like it's been out a while.
Lady: Oh, the pizza? Nah, this is fresh, it just came out of the oven right at 1:30.
I check my phone. It's 1:18.
Me: Uh... It's 1:18...
Lady: Oh, yeah. That clock don't work, but it's fresh. I aint gonna lie to you.
... Against my better judgment, I decided to just buy a slice. It was overpriced and I had my reservations, but the last thing I wanted was to end up arriving at work right when I have to start with no time to eat, so I just did it. I got to work, the break area, and ate about half of it. It was some of the greasiest and rubberiest pizza I ever ate. Not particularly good. But it didn't kill me as far as I can tell.
Next time, I'm just going to stick to my initial observation and just get some chips or something. Sorry I don't have an amazing ending for you, but in retrospect, the conversation I had with the lady just struck me as too strange to not share.
https://redd.it/ncju4y
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Harley and Jabba: An Unlikely Friendship
I had this dog once who was just a big ol' derp. His name was Harley, and everybody loved him. We lived on about 5 acres, and we actually had a fenced in yard where the dogs were supposed to stay. They didn't. Bear, who was part chow and part fence-jumper, tended to stay on the property, at least. But not Harley. He was too social. And when I said everybody loved him, I was not exaggerating. One neighbor would buy a giant bag of doggie biscuits every so often. He didn't have a dog. He bought them for when Harley would come to visit. Another neighbor had a heated water dish he kept full. For Harley. His dog died from old age a couple years previously.
Honestly? I think they loved Harley, not just for his goofy personality, but because he loved to chase and catch gophers... and we had them in abundance out there.
"Goofy" is putting it mildly. Try as he might, Harley could never quite get his legs in sync when he ran. They were long and gangly, and he'd get going, then suddenly he'd lose a step somewhere, get those legs tangled up, and faceplant into the dirt. Of course, that didn't really slow him down. He'd just get back up, sneeze, and tear off after another gopher.
I was also somewhat convinced he was hollow. Like I said, we lived out in the sticks. No street lights, no other porch lights nearby. But when we'd pull into the yard at night, and Harley'd greet us at the passenger window, his eyes glowed gold, and the only light was our porch light... behind him.
And he loved to bark. He'd bark at passing cars. He'd bark at fence-posts. He'd bark at blowing grass.
...and he'd bark at Jabba the Hop.
No, it's not the most original name, but it fit. It was probably the only thing that fit. See, Jabba was a toad. A very, very, very fat toad. I mean, he was so fat, his little feet couldn't touch the ground. He just kind of wobbled like a weeble where ever he happened to be at the moment.
He was also Harley's best friend.
Every morning during the summer, Harley would wait by the shed and bark once. A moment later, the sand under the front of the shed would start to shift, and with much effort Jabba would dig himself out of his burrow. It took a bit, of course. Jabba had a lot of bulk to move. And Harley was not the most patient of dogs. He'd dance and his tail would whip back and forth in a blur. But finally, the huge toad would be out of his burrow...
...and friends, if I hadn't seen it myself, I would never have believed it...
Harley would commence to rolling Jabba across the yard.
We kept a kiddie pool full of water during the summer because not only do the dogs get hot and thirsty, they like to play in it. But... it attracted mosquitos.
Now you know why Jabba was so fat.
Harley would, every morning, roll that toad into the shade of the kiddie pool, and Jabba would get more than his fill of juicy mosquitos. As the sun moved the shade, Harley would roll Jabba into it. And when the sun went down, he rolled Jabba back to the shed and his burrow.
This went on all summer. But, time marches on, the days grew shorter, and the nights a little more chilly, and eventually, the ground became covered in frost, and there were no more mosquitos.
...and no more Jabba.
Poor Harley couldn't understand. Why didn't his friend dig his way out of his burrow when he barked for him? For three weeks, Harley would just wait by the shed. For awhile, he'd dance... then just stand... then lay by the burrow... and wait.
Eventually, Harley found other things to get derpy about. Like snow. The neighbor's Guinea hens that decided to come for a visit. The cattle that escaped someone's land and trampled all over my garden (which was done for the season, thankfully). And that cute little dustmop from up the road who was suddenly a lot more interesting.
By the time spring came around again, it seemed that Harley had pretty much forgotten all about Jabba. Then one warm day, the kids were throwing a frisbee, and Harley was chasing it (and he'd finally figured out how legs
Homework
My wife was helping my daughter with her home work and she was supposed to draw an ancient Egyptian priest. My wife added a few crosses to help identify it was a priest. I said, "Uh, I'm no expert on religion but I don't think that's right.".
https://redd.it/n78iru
@r_funnystories
Rotten Eggs 🤷🏻♀️
Lately, I’ve been eating better food. Last night, however; we had Arby’s because ITS ARBYS AND THEY HAVE THE MEATS.
Today, my stomach has been making some very alarming, almost screeching sounds.
Picture it: I had been been having grumbling and just gas, ALL DAYYYYY. But nothing more than that. So I’m at my moms house. No one’s home, so I blow up the bathroom. The bathroom, downstairs, right beside the front door.
Fast forward two entire minutes after I left the bathroom, without spraying anything because there was nothing to spray (🤷🏻♀️)
My mom and stepdad walk through the front door. He’s holding leftovers and holding the door open for my mom.
While standing in the doorway, his face contorts and he looks at my mother. “Honey, I’m smelling something in here.”
“What’s it smell like? Is it food?” My mom was genuinely curious.
“No, it smells like.......” He sniffs the air, intensely...... “Rotten eggs” He squinted his eyes and everything.
I said nothing. I giggled to myself from the other room. Mom asked if I had farted, I told her “No, but I was just in the bathroom.”
https://redd.it/nndniw
@r_funnystories
Your Attempt Was Exceptionally Lame -- 1/10 Would Not Recommend
Just a little background: I do Customer Service Chat. No phones, and I'm more of a glorified personal shopper with tech chops. Most of my customers are Sys Admins for larger businesses, and they're generally great to deal with because they know exactly what they need. Buuuut, every now and again, I get your typical Dead-End user with a bad case of Dunning-Kruger-itis. Or? Bored kids.
Today, it was the bored kids. A lot of them. School is apparently letting out in the US. What the hell, I get paid for each chat, regardless. They're mostly harmless, just annoying and keeping me from taking chats from real customers. But this one? Um, yeah... Not a very good attempt at hacking.
visitor: I have a LinkSys router and I would like to log in, I do not know the password what should I do
Original_Impression2: Did you buy it from us?
visitor: I got it from my company that I am working at
Original_Impression2: Then you need to talk to the systems administrator for the password.
visitor: is there a reset button that would reset the password to something like admin or simple?
Original_Impression2: That's what I thought. See, had you gotten that router from work, the systems administrator would've given you the password. And if by chance he forgot, because systems administrators are human, too, you wouldn't have had such a problem with calling them. What you need to do is get off your phone and stop trying to hack the router. Your parents turned it off for a reason, and I have no intention of going against them, nor will I assist you in breaking the law.
visitor: ok "that was very helpful" thanks
Original_Impression2: You're very welcome. Have a great weekend.
Yeah, he gave me a "1". I'm liable to get written up for that, but it was worth it.
https://redd.it/nn7xob
@r_funnystories
Water heater breaks, co-worker tries to stop it with a towel
Okay before you think this is fake I assure you its not and I still pick on my boss for it constantly. I believe that this happened not too long after we came back from lock-down so some of what was said and done might not be exact.
Cast-
OP-me of course
L-Lead
DL-Dual Lead
​
So as I mentioned before it was some time after lockdown had ended the first time back in 2020 and we had started getting back to working normal again. Being off work for four months kind of sucked as a lot of us were out of shape but we starting to manage getting in the swing of things. Anyways one night me and L were starting out the shift getting mats picked up and cleaned, floors swept, etc. nothing to terrible to do as we were starting to get back into the rythm.
I had gone to take a 15 minute break leaving L to do whatever she was doing, we take our breaks whenever possible as we all know that as long as we get the job done then it usually doesn't matter of when we do take it. So anyways I was coming back from break when L came out looking for me saying they needed my help. Now this isn't unusual because I have been at my job longer than anyone so I know things that management doesn't most of the time.
We get back into the kitchen to find that the only water heater that we have has gone bad; water sprewing at the top of the tank flowing all over the place causing a great puddle. I told another to go get security because while it might be fun trying to figure out how to stop the thing from leaking I am not in the mood to have someone say that I caused more damage to it.
So we went about getting a hold of security and DL to come in to give us a hand, DL and I went about bringing up a couple of kiavacs (shop vacs that can suck up the water quicker). This is when I noticed L start laying down a single towel in front of the growing puddle instantly thinking of the scene from the lord of the rings of Gandalf shouting 'You shall not pass'.
I looked at L with a raised eyebrow and said 'Oh now thats pathetic.' I still give L crap about it to this day.
https://redd.it/nmdwp9
@r_funnystories
ghost story from the "other side"
This is a “story from the other side” kind of feel. I really enjoyed writing my first drunk medium/paladin story. I like how humanizing the “other side” can be and I think this could really be as creepy as “I don’t remember what happened last night.” Kind of questions the majority had to deal with, but the answer being “dude, you literally exorcised a demon…. How do you not remember that?” Fun. I’m considering these as a journal/telling a story in a bar.
As I was at my last call, I was in the bathroom and really saw myself in the mirror. God I've gained weight. I really didn't like what I saw. I'm fat and just, sad. My whole face has changed to express sadness. Why did I stop going on runs? O because my dog died. Now I get it. I need to join a gym. Oh yeah, so the last call was from another medium, funny enough. That’s pretty rare, usually because they’re dumb. Which was the case.
Why the f did they think it was a good idea for a souvenir? God only knows. I won't waste His time with that one.
So now their progeny is all "i can see the future!!" and I'm like, "yep and I bet it's awful. Go to bed." So there's been some weird things falling off of shelves, and I'm like, “Aight, I'm done with us proving gravity works. Ya'll need to cool it.” And they LAUGHED AT ME. Apparently it wasn't them. Little shits. I guarantee I’m just here to waste time while their parents are on some cruise.
So now I'm stuck here until I figure out their freaking riddles. Not enough wine in the world. Not sure where their parents ran off to, but I'm going to give them an earful. And I thought girls were DONE with dolls? Why are there so many? Anyway, I’m about to bless this house with fire. Ya’ll will thank me unless I get some real answers.
Well lo and freaking behold. Somehow there’s an ancient burial ground in Southern Nebraska. I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise, but I’m no history buff. Anyway, there was a LOT of back and forth. Pretty sure I found the parents, and yes CPS was called shortly after. But not before I had to make VERY clear “the spirits” needed to go. Had to bring in the big God and everything. Still not sure they are cool, I think I’ll have to come back every now and then and make sure they aren’t just placating me at this point. Anyway, on to the next.
https://redd.it/nluy9z
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Re-filling vodka bottle with water at in-laws
My husband is from Seattle but we live in New Mexico and we fly to Seattle to see his family as much as we can.
A few years ago we got in on a late flight & insisted we would take a cab to MIL's place so she wouldn't have to wake up at 2am.
We got settled in our room & got our kid to bed & my husband went to the liquor cabinet to get a nightcap before bed.
His mom is married to a man from South America & he always has like all these fancy looking tequilas & vodkas & wines, etc. Usually, on one night of our stays, we all sit & enjoy some of his liquor.
So that late night at 2am:
My husband found a fifth of a cool‐looking vodka & it was about 3/4 full. So we enjoyed it & left like a 1/4 bit left. My husband said he was gonna get another one the next day so we didn't worry about drinking most of it.
Only the next afternoon, we went to like 3 liquor stores & couldn't find it. We tried grocery stores & this is Seattle, Come on!
We didn't know if it would be noticed & cause a commotion so we plotted. We poured the rest, drank it (eh, might as well) and filled the bottle back to where it was, with Water!
Hibby spent the next few days trying to figure out where it came from (I don't remember the name, I let him take care of it so paid little attention).
So now comes the night of drinks & chatting. I had forgotten about it & my FIL went to the cabinet annnnd....
I saw him take out the vodka bottle, filled with water, & start to get the drink glasses (cups). My eyes got huge & I started slapping my husband's back & he looks at me like "wth" & I pointed to the cabinet. He sees what's going on & his eyes are wide open & we are both lookin' scared.
MIL says "what....."
Hubby: "um nothing" our faces are still terrified
His mom leans in & more seriously says: "What. Tell me."
So we tell her what we did & how we put water & now can't find the same brand.
She leans back & proudly says "well he knows his liquor & doesn't buy from the cheap liquor stores here..." & goes on about his friends, connections & how he gets things, but I'm too busy staring at him happily getting ready.
So by then FIL has his tray of glass-filled 'vodka' 🙄 and he passes it to each of us. He does not speak or understand english very well so we communicate thru Google translate. The time went by so fast to type out the situation, we waited too long.
We just sat there watching with our eyes huge. Now MIL is interested in what is gonna happen.
We get the drinks & he holds his up for a toast.
"Your mom & me...happy you here... SALUD!"
OMG I WANTED TO DIE.
We drink & I was praying to Jesus to some how make it vodka like He did the wine.... Nope.
His face immediately had confusion & he looks at the glass, then sniffs the glass AND BOTTLE. He poured some more, drinks it and looks at my MIL...
"ES WATER! . . .ES WATER!!" He was obviously shocked. I was terrified, my hisby was terrified....
Finally MIL explained to him (time went painstakingly slow it seemed) & after he knew what happened, he whacked us each on our heads playfully with a place mat or kitchen towel. We had a good chuckle.
He declined our offer to pay for another & got out the tequila.
But our last visit, in 2018, the liquor cabinet only had a gross smelling sherry & one cheap wine in it. 😂
We are visiting next month, lol, our first after the pandemic, we'll see how it goes this year. 😁🤣
https://redd.it/nl8l6y
@r_funnystories
Some kids are pretty damn sharp
In 2014, I was living in an apartment building that was relatively cheap and in an okay neighborhood. One day, going down to get my mail on a Saturday, the manager asks me what I'm doing for Easter (the following Sunday.) I tell him truthfully that I have no kids, no plans. He asks me, "would you be our Easter bunny? It's two hours and I'll knock $150 off rent this month." I was like, sure, why not. I might meet some cute single moms in the building (this place was full of them.)
The next day, I arrive at the appointed time to be confronted with the most hideous ghetto Easter bunny costume you've ever seen. It was a sort of overalls thing where the face was on my chest, so his arms (my arms) were coming out of the side of his head. The whole thing was surreal. There was a hat that went on my shoulders and over my head, and the hat had a big flower on it through the center of which I could see the kids, through a pink mesh screen. The conceit here is that I can see the kids but they can't see me. That's the hope, anyway.
So here I am, walking around like a jackass, petting kids on their heads, waving, not talking, obviously. The kids seemed totally oblivious, and I thought "this is the easiest $150 i ever made." I walk up on some kids playing together, and there was THIS ONE GIRL. She was about 6, and wearing a very nice purple dress, bouncing around the way kids do. She takes one look at me and looks right through the flower and into my eyes (deeper, even) and says, in a very loud voice: "you're a MAN in there!" Obviously I can't go "no I'm not, little girl, I'm the Easter bunny!" So I just wave and walk away like an idiot who's been caught red handed, because that's what I felt like. Every 5 minutes or so after that, I'd catch a glimpse of her and if she saw me, she'd go "hello, MAN!"
It was killing me because I wanted, ached to be able to either tell her "I'm not such a bad guy, you know" or go "shut up already, you little brat!" But of course, I had to suffer in silence, and I actually began to avoid her consciously. I'd see her and turn around like she was the elementary school bully or something.
After the hell was over and I'd taken off that God-forsaken "costume" I went outside to have a smoke and some moms were out there smoking, as well. I went up and introduced myself (as the bunny, of course) and we started chatting. I asked, who's little girl is the one in the purple dress? One of the moms (a pretty hot one) identified herself, and I was like "wow. You got a sharp cookie there." I related the story to her, and she goes, "ha! That's her all the way. When she was 5 she went to a birthday party for a girl in her kindergarten class and like two minutes in she yells 'that's not Ariel! It's some other lady!'"
We were all cracking up, and to ice the cake perfectly, the little girl runs up to her mom, and before she says anything to mom she looks at me and goes "who are YOU?" I still laugh today about that, I hope that girl goes places someday.
https://redd.it/nkblpt
@r_funnystories
my friend shit on my floor
So a few years back i had a friend over for a sleepover. i’ll call this friend ‘jane’. That night, we were watching a movie and she told me she had to go to the bathroom and i never thought anything of it until 30 minutes had gone by and jane was still in there. I was worried, so i decided to go over and see if she was okay. once i had gotten close to the door, i noticed the entire laundry room (where my bathroom was) reeked of shit and smelt very strong. Barely being able to breathe, i asked her if she was okay and she nervously replied with yes. Later, Jane finally walks out with a guilty look on her face so i decided to go in the bathroom later because i thought maybe she just broke something on accident, not a big deal. well once i had walked in, i look at the ground and there’s a pile of human shit on the ground next to the toilet. and next to it, was some of it smeared where it was obvious that she tried to clean some of it up. jane shit on my floor. i still don’t understand how someone misses the toilet that bad and leaves it there but chile.
https://redd.it/nk8bht
@r_funnystories
My experience with Horror Houses
(2010)
As a young lad i went to universal hollywood with my family in Los Angeles, day was going pretty good i had the map with me and my sisters, i was middle child of 3 at around 10 years.
We walk by this place called "The House of Horrors" (now closed) and my mom said we should go on that ride, me holding the map opposes cause it's not a ride and universal are known for their horror houses.
But she wouldnt have it. "Do you trust me, you dont trust me do you?"
"Well yes i do just not right now"
My dad holding my very young sister at the time "Ok i'll go in front with the baby so they dont scare us"
(In line)
Mom "where's the loading area?"
(We were halfway through the line already)
there was no loading area
According to my dad the scare actors were waving to him cause they didnt want to scare her.
Ours was a different story.
I reached the werewolf forest area and tripped over when the wolf tried to get me, but whe wasnt out to get me but instead was pointing at my shoe which was untied, i tied my shoe and he gave me the thumbs up and proceeded to chase me out (actors are not allowed to touch, neither you touch them)
I've been on a few houses since then but this one stood out to me, i then got my mother to go with me on jurassic park where we got drenched so we were even
https://redd.it/ngw40i
@r_funnystories
When making bets out of town hits close to home
Tldr at bottom.
This happened back in the early 2000s in my university days. I live in New Zealand and a group of friends and I head out of the city to a small seaside town 6 hrs away as we have planned a 3 day hike along one of New Zealands most beautiful trails.
We are staying at a backpackers the night before we head off, and decide to play some pool. The room has maybe 6 pool tables and we are the only ones there.
A few minutes into our game, 2 very attractive girls in their late teens/ early 20s come in and start a game at one of the other tables. My mate starts eyeing them up and motions to us to follow his lead. He invites them over to our table and starts chatting one of the up. He is really into her, and makes a bet with us that he'll hook up with her tonight. Then the most incredible thing happens.
Conversation goes like this:
Mate: So where are you ladies from? Are you both Canadian?
Hottie: Yeah, we are from Canada.
Mate: Oh, where in Canada? I have some relatives from there.
Hottie: Just a small town in the middle of nowhere, you probably never heard of it, it's called (random town name).
Mate: No way! I have an aunt and uncle who live there! Do you know (Aunt) and (Uncle)?
At this point the girl turns pale, pauses for a few seconds and then says, um yeah, they are my parents.
Stunned silence ensues. Then we are all like wtaf!! You guys are cousins lol.
Mate quickly changes tune and starts awkwardly asking how things are going with her family etc, meanwhile the rest of us are in absolute hysterics.
Turns out she wanted to tour New Zealand with her friend for a few weeks before paying a visit to my mates parents.
Tldr; On a trip with mates to a small town in New Zealand. Meet 2 Canadian girls and my mate wants to hook up with one of them, turns out to be a cousin he didn't know.
https://redd.it/nfzozo
@r_funnystories
My Roommate "Your nephews have weird taste." Me "Well look what you're eating!"
This just happened a little bit ago. My mother is feeling like crap, so she asked me to make dinner for my nephews. I have no problem with helping out since we all live on one big property. So my mom gave me two big cans of Spaghetti-Os to cook for them. Then she told me Nephew 1 doesn't like any cheese on his, Nephew 2 likes a lot of cheese, and Nephew 3 only likes a little cheese.
I told my roommate about how my nephews liked the Spaghetti-Os with who likes added cheese and who doesn't. Then he just looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language and said "Your nephews' tastes in food are weird." I gave him a look and said "This coming from the guy that's currently eating microwave burritos covered in mayonnaise!"
He paused looking at his food for a moment and then said "Yeah...You got me there...".
https://redd.it/nevnpd
@r_funnystories
Sometimes, Payback Comes Many Years Down The Road
A little background: I am a freak of nature. At least in my family. On both sides -- mother's and father's -- everyone is tall. My mother was 5'10", my father was 6'3", and everyone else: grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brother... were/are all 5'10" or taller.
I'm 5'6", and if it weren't for the fact that I look SO much like my father, I would wonder what my mother had been doing when he wasn't paying attention.
All my children are taller than me. But when I had my first, a daughter, I figured there was a 50/50 chance she wouldn't be that tall. Her father was only 5'8", and his mom and dad were both quite short. But nope. She topped out at 6'1". She's a freaking Amazon Warrior.
When she was a teenager, and already taller than me (but not yet done growing), she had a thing she just loved to do. She would take the things I used in the kitchen the most, and hide them in the upper cabinets. In a house with 10' ceilings, and said cabinets went alllllll the way up to that 10' ceiling.
She would also hide the step-stool.
The brat.
Well, my darling oldest daughter is now in her 30s and has four kids of her own. Her oldest son just turned 14, and she was lamenting on FB how he's already taller than her.
<cue evil grin\>
I just also happen to be friends on FB with this wonderful grandson. I messaged him, and told him how his mother used to hide my stuff out of my reach. Then I just sat back, and waited. He is a devious little stinker, just like his mother... and his grandmother.
A mere two days later, I get a phonecall. "MOM!" She was trying to sound indignant, but she was also laughing.
So, I finally got the story out of her. Her home doesn't have 10' ceilings, but the cord to pull the attic door down had snapped awhile back, and they just never got around to replacing it, and my Amazon Warrior of a daughter needed a stepstool to reach it.
A stepstool which mysteriously came up missing. Interestingly, it was at the same time her Cricut also disappeared -- something she loved playing with every chance she got.
I said, "Yanno, I'd love to sympathize with you, dear, but I've never experienced anything like my taller-than-me kid hiding stuff out of my reach, before."
"You told him about that, didn't you?"
"The moment I read you bitching about him being taller than you already, you bet your sweet ass I did."
She took it in stride and we shared a good laugh over it.
She thinks we're even.
HA!
https://redd.it/ndcbkv
@r_funnystories
Pretentious Service
​
Exhibit 1: The imaginary barrier to a haircut.
Exhibit 2: The well-cooked burger.
pretentious service – La Vie De Loca
https://redd.it/ncxl6y
@r_funnystories
worked, because he no longer faceplanted when he ran), and doing a fine job of playing "keep away", when, all of a sudden, he stopped what he was doing, dropped the frisbee, and galloped toward the shed.
He barked happily, dancing in excitement, his tail a blur. There it was, the sand shifting and getting kicked out of the burrow, and there emerged Jabba, much skinnier than when he went in to hibernate. But some things never change. Even though Jabba's feet reached the ground, Harley still rolled him over to the kiddie pool.
https://redd.it/n9r7rc
@r_funnystories
This Ain't the Flintstones!
This happened many years ago, when we lived in Bartlesville, Oklahoma.
Now, Bartlesville is, for those not familiar, in the northern part of the state, but it's still far enough south that we don't get much snow. We get an inch or two, and it usually melts away the next day, so the city saw no point in investing in any equipment to clear the roads when it did get a little frosty. This is important.
So... one time, we did get quite a bit. In fact, we actually had something akin to a blizzard. Bad enough that I was sent home early from work, since I lived about 35 miles away.
A few days later, it's the weekend, and the snow is just now starting to melt, but in the more heavily trafficked area, the snow had been packed and had turned to ice in patches. Especially in spots that were very shady.
I owned a compact car at the time, and my oldest daughter, who was about 15, decided to come along while I ran errands. It all went off without a hitch, but the main roads were pretty busy. I came up to a stoplight, and gently applied the brakes. The tires stopped turning... but the car kept moving forward.
I glance over, and there's the daughter, scrambling to get the passenger door opened, and trying to stick her foot out at the same time.
Oh, yes she did!
I said, "What in the hell do you think you're doing?!" It was more like I burbled it, because I was trying not to laugh. Gotta keep that mom-tone when you're trying to scold your kid, after all. I failed, spectacularly.
She blinked and yanked her foot back in the car, and that's when the giggles started. "Girl, we are not the Flintstones! Whatever possessed you to think you could stop the car with just your Nikes?"
I swear, my children are liable to be the death of me!
https://redd.it/n8rwig
@r_funnystories
Funny story about a previous classmate
This story is completely true and honestly one that still makes me laugh my ass off even now. When I was in middle school there was this one kid in my class who constantly had his ass crack showing, on top of that he was morbidly obese so anytime he sat down anyone had basically a perfect view of his massive ass crack. I swear I saw it a good thousand times not even exaggerating and by our last grade at the school I even started getting annoyed and making fun of him cause I was tired of constantly seeing it.
The kid got made fun of constantly for it, but at the same time the dude did nothing about it for like a solid year or more that he had been going to the school he just let it happen. The dude also smelled like piss and smelled horrible in general just about all the time. I swear I even saw piss stains on his pants before and I'm not the only one who pointed it out. But either way the guy was avoided by pretty much everyone and he would always whine and complain about people not liking him and being rude to him. Despite him kinda being a dick head to people for really no reason.
I went to a K-8 small school so there were very few people there and the school obviously didn't have electives or typical middle school class periods. We only had P.E once a day like you would in Elementary almost like a special class for the day. He would skip those days like 70% of the time and anytime he was there he would literally scream bloody fucking murder anytime the teacher made him do something physical that was slightly difficult. Surprise surprise when the last quarter rolled around near the end of the year his grades in P.E were terrible and he was missing a lot of work from the days he had skipped. He was given a sheet of exercises to do from the P.E teacher, he continuously refused to do them. Even though they were basic and not too difficult with other kids, they even volunteered to do the exercises with him.
They ultimately had to call the principal down cause the little shit still refused to do them and instead just sat there. Two days later I could over hear the principal saying that he was just flat out disappointed in him and that he had barely passed eighth grade. Lastly he was kicked off his chance to go on the eight grade end of the year trip. Honestly it was deserved for him being such a lazy dick head.
There were other times where the staff were busy so they enlisted some of us older kids to help move stuff in return for getting out of class. Most of the time he just sat there while the rest of us moved stuff. There were other times where the dude would hit people and claim he was just messing around and when getting hit in return would start whining like a little kid. Now my only question is, how does someone get to be like this?
https://redd.it/n5q7c3
@r_funnystories