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Story to tickle your belly @reddit2telegram @r_channels JEET is the administrator
My friends parents forced her to carry a baby to birth then gave it up for adoption when she gave them custody
In high-school a friend of mine got pregnant and her very religious parents forced her to keep it thinking it would make her responsible.
Once it was born she didn't do anything for it, didn't feed it when it cried, didn't change it, didn't even hold it when it was born. her parents did all the work
They ended up calling child services and it was taken away from her and given to her parents for custody.
Her parents gave it up for adoption a year later because they didn't have time to raise another baby.
Super funny IMHO lmao
https://redd.it/nz3web
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No kitty, you can't bury that
This happened when my grandfather was a kid. He had an uncle who for whatever reason loved that really smelly cheese called Limburger. And he ate it a lot. No surprise this gave him bad breath. But he also liked eating bacon grease on bread in place of butter. I heard because of his poor diet he only lived till his mid 40s or so. But that's not what this story is about.
My grandpa when he was about ten or so went to visit his uncle. And when he did the uncle was eating some Limburger cheese. At the time the uncle owned a cat. An orange tabby. The cat happened to be walking by and the uncle thought maybe it might want some of the cheese. So he threw a piece of the cheese to the cat.
The cat paused to sniff it, then proceeded to try and bury it like it was poop. Everyone who saw immediately roared with laughter. And the story became one of the funniest ones in the family ever since.
https://redd.it/nxuj0i
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royal gowns, and not enough on royal guards.
The LSD tickles my neurons and makes a ginormous heap of C++ seem far less bewildering. In the back of my mind, I hear the voice of Nick Rafka, a fellow forty-something software engineer, devouring a vegan burger yesterday afternoon in the DreamPixel cafeteria.
“The effect of microdosing is mostly placebo, just like those overpriced ‘antidepressants’ from Big Pharma,” Nick claimed confidently.
“I say it’s half-and-half, just like the clouds in my coffee,” I replied wittily, and took a big bite of non-vegan bacon cheeseburger.
“It’s a bunch of pseudoscience, promoted by clueless talking heads like fucking Doctor Oz.”
“Maybe you’re right, or maybe you’re wrong,” I murmured wearily. “By the way, I wish I could take a time machine back to the good ol’ 90’s, before the government allowed TV commercials for prescription drugs, with all those nauseating side effects.”
“Oh yeah, I’m totally nostalgic for the days when you could eat dinner in front of the idiot box without being reminded of your own mortality.”
Back to the current situation, however mundane it may be. I press the “render” button and reveal a lush Tolkein-esque landscape, where Gino battles a vast army of enchanted lizards, porcupines, hedgehogs and Venus flytraps; doing it all for the glory of love. He won’t stop fighting until he defeats the evil arch-alchemist Dante Machiavelli, and then he’ll fuck the brains out of that brainless blonde princess. (Only in my imagination, because this is an E for Everyone franchise.)
Who am I fighting for? Nobody but myself. There's no princess waiting at my “castle” in the Mission District. Nobody to kiss my face and scratch my back and make me forget about the endless digital rat race. A little red-haired girl broke my heart in a thousand pieces at Love Creek High School, so I rejected the entire concept of romance. Computers became my only friends . . . but what glorious friends they are. I love how they serve my every whim, 24/7, with no complaints whatsoever. They never take a coffee break or demand a ridiculous pay raise or sue your ass off at the slightest opportunity. I took the red pill and stayed in wonderland, seeing just how deep The Matrix goes.
It’s five o’clock somewhere. Right here. The acid catches my feet and sends me flying through a midsummer night’s waking dream, in a cheap Korean car. I pop some Fourplay into the CD player, and smooth jazz from the grunge era soothes my wired nerves. The neon lights of Silicon Valley race by in a dazzling particolored sheen, like an ethereal court jester on a cosmic stage. As I've gotten older, I've realized the immense wisdom behind the trite expression “life is more about the journey than the destination.” Less about winning the game, and more about playing like hell ‘till your eyes bug out of your head, like mama always said. Achieving virtual nirvana with a $500 console, made in China.
The Frisco skyline peeks over the horizon. Home sweet home, no matter how high the crime rate goes. A pair of San Mateo police cars zoom by with sirens blaring, jolting me back to reality. One little mistake and I'll lose everything, rotting in a jail cell with robbers, rapists, and ruffians. I have to stay focused on my epic quest, like Gino the Brave navigating the treacherous wilderness of Subcon-Westphalia. There's no fair maiden waiting in my humble abode, but that little red-haired girl is out there somewhere, breaking hearts like a serial heart killer. Maybe I'll bump into her someday, and perhaps we'll make amends. I don't believe in soulmates, and I don’t believe in karma, but I do believe in hitting the reset button.
Exiting the interstate and floating down to a paradise city, where the money is green and the girls are pretty, with neon hair and black leather skirts and VEGAN BITCH tattoos. I fantasize about them every single night, and the stay the hell away from them every single day.
An SF squad cruiser turns on its siren, pulls up right behind me, and stays right behind me. Oh shit, oh shit. I wasn’t going that fast!
Crazy story from my town
So maybe I'm a bit sadistic to find this as funny as I have. But I can't stop laughing when I think about it. So there was this crazy guy who lived beside the road near where I live, one of my friends told me how crazy he was. He had endless junk on the side of the road and on his porch. His sister dropped off food which was there for a long time so she called the cops. And 2 weeks ago the cops went in and found him dead, he died from his own electrified barb wire trap and was basically cooked, fell apart when they picked him up, And what makes it funny to me is that his father died from his own booby trap many years before, where he planted a landmine he made in his apple orchid because kids were stealing his apples.
https://redd.it/nxkxya
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I don’t know if you think this is funny but my mom told me to walk the dog I did of course and she was outside with the(other)dog right I’m trying to stop my dog from running to them remind you it was just raining so I slid BUSSED MY ASS and was on my stomach two cars was driving passed 🥲😂
https://redd.it/nx1eu5
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Caffeine pills and unknown man
I recently decided to start working out, but i lacked the energy. I guess you can already guess where this is going. I was determined to exercise, but i had to boost energy. Energydrinks didn't work, so i thought "fuck it" and ordered Olimp Caffeine Kick online (caffeine pills, 60 in each pack.)
I had NO clue on dosage, but since energydrinks did nothing i assumed my tolerance was higher than average. I took 12 ish pills, chugged it down and waited to see if it worked. It an hour + for the effect to start and i started shaking. The veins in my hands was popping, my eyes twitched and my legs stopped working as they should. As i laid there, a dude i didn't know came into my room and yelled at me for taking too many pills. I had no idea who this man was, so i started defending myself and explaining my reasons and that i made a mistake. After a few minutes of yelling, my girlfriend storms in and yell "What in the actual fuck are you doing?!". It turned out i was hallucinating, and the man was not there. I told my gf about the man, and she immediately accused me of taking drugs etc.
The room was still spinning, and in fear of my gf thinking i did drugs behind her back, i thought this was the best time to just put all the cards on the table and explain myself.
I forgot how affected i was by the caffeine, sat up and yelled "I took pills! And now i'm shaking. I wanna do stuff!". My girlfriend started crying and ran out of the room. I decided to run after, but my legs failed me mid-way up. I fell down, room started spinning fast af and i blacked out.
I got no clue how long time passed, but i woke up in the shower, gf sat there waiting for me.
I told her everything and i had to throw away the rest of the pills, promise never to take pills and to keep caffeine on the lower portions for a while.
Long story short: Don't take caffeine pills.... atleast not 10+ at a time
https://redd.it/nvtwwo
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How I accidentally created the most fowl smelling burp
This happened in about 2011. I went over to my sister's house to watch the movie Battleship with her. And before watching the movie we stopped at the store to get snacks and cheap beer. I saw some organic blueberry/pomegranate popsicles in the freezer and decided to try them.
Well during the movie I first ate one of those popsicles and then drank a cheap beer. Pabst Blue Ribbon if anyone is wondering. Well apparently these two things mixed in my stomach and I ended up letting out a loud and nasty belch just as my sister was walking by me. She nearly fainted! She started gagging and heaving as she went to the other side of the room and asked me what the hell I ate. When I told her she yelled for me to never eat those same things around her again. Then she paused the movie and ducked outside for some fresh air. For years after that she told that story as me doing it on purpose. But it really wasn't.
A few months after that incident I accidentally got her with another horrid burp though. We went out to lunch at a well known family restaurant chain and I had a meat-lovers omelette. Honestly it kinda sucked. It had three meats in it and was smothered in onions. But it just didn't have much flavor. But apparently eating it made quite the smelly brew in my stomach. On the way back home I burped in the car and my sister started gagging and rolling the windows down. She said she couldn't get the smell out of her nose for a while and claimed it stank like rotten meat. I didn't mean to do it. But still ended up finding it funny.
https://redd.it/nv54u9
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The Fair Maiden
My uncle is a great person. He is a lot of things, but a woman's man he is not. They only women he had in his life was limited to three. One woman was married and slept with him just so he would mow her grass for free. The second woman would sleep with him just because she liked to screw people, but would only give him some if he brought over a joint to share, and the third is what this story is about.
Going out in public with him is hilarious. Personally I have been blessed with the gift of gab when it comes to women. I can talk my way into bed with a women quite easily once I choose the right ones to chase, but talking to women comes awkward for him and it shows. We are at a drive-in burger joint when this attractive curb-girl takes our order. When she leaves and is halfway to the door of the restaurant, he leans out the window and yells, "Hey you, by the way, your beautiful!" "OMG," I think to myself. "Now she is going to dread delivering our order." She brings our order out and he pays along with a $20 tip. She smiles and leaves to take another order when again he leans out the window. "You know your beautiful don't cha?" I start the car and leave saving the poor woman's embarrassment.
On our way home we had a discussion about why he didn't tell her that she was cute when she was face to face with him as he responded with "I didn't think about it."
Things change over time, he left state and so did I. He called me on the phone to chat, which at this point it had been some time since last speaking. He informed me he was getting married. "What?" I responded. "Well tell me about her!"
She is an Indian woman from the, (Insert an Indian tribe name here, I forgot what she claimed) tribe.
Long black hair, sexy eyes and she works! She has her own house and everything! She is my "Fair Maiden" -Exact words by the way.
I couldn't wait to meet her. A couple months came and went until I finally got a chance to meet his Fair Maiden. I noticed the car was riding a little to one side as they pulled up. The "Fair Maiden" stepped out of the car which instantly brought the car back up to level riding height. The sun reflected a purple/dark blue tinge off of her long locks. (Bad dye job). In my mind I was picturing somebody like Pocahontas from his description, but standing before me was a 60yr woman that looked a little more "healthy" in all the wrong places. My uncle being in his 30's makes it all the more funny.
I said to him... "Hey is this your Fair Indian Maiden?"... "Yup!" he replied. "Isn't she a little bit on the heavy side?" I asked. His words were, "Big is Beautiful!" We laughed our asses off and agreed.
https://redd.it/ntxbui
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My 7th Grade Class Photo
In 7th grade I went to a Catholic School in Philadelphia. Me and all my friends played a game where we did this 👌🏻 with our hands. We called it neckmosel. I learned it from my brother who was in highschool and him and his friends did it to me. So me and my friends did it and said “Gotcha neck” when we made them look at it. So I thought it would be funny if me and some of my friends did it in the class picture that goes in the yearbook. On the day of class pictures we all made up this scheme where we all did it. So the picture comes, only 3 of us went through with it. We thought we got away with it until a week later when the 3 of us got called down to the office. We knew what we were called for. When we were down there my principal was there with a copy of the year book photo. It was me, the 2 other kids I’m just gonna call Timmy and Declan. I didn’t want them to get in trouble for something I started so i admitted that I did came up with the idea. Declan denied that he did it and said that he just sits like that. In my head I was thinking how stupid he has to be because I was taking the blame and he kept denying it. So i had to go along with it and say that I didn’t tell him. He got off the hook, now it was me and Timmy. We both admitted to it and we had to get a picture of us doing it signed by our parents. So when I took it home to my mom and showed her, she actually started cracking up laughing. She said she couldn’t believe the principal took time out of her day to yell at us for doing a dumb joke. She put a letter explaining that it was a family joke that I brought to school, and included a family picture where me and my brother were doing it. After that was the end of it until I actually got my year book. Of course the first thing I did was flip to my class picture, where they cropped out the whole bottom row (where we were all sitting) so they couldn’t see the sign. As I’m flipping through the rest of the year book I see an 8th grader do the EXACT same thing we did, but she didn’t get in trouble or get it cropped.
https://redd.it/nt402y
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"Dutch people can have black hair?!"
Background: So my friend's (u/Enwanenette (F), 20F) father was born in South-Korea and adopted by a Dutch family. He later had a daugbter (F) with a Dutch woman, making F genetically half-Korean/half-Dutch, but simply Dutch from birth and in every other way. Because of her Korean genes, F has a slightly Asian skin tone (barely noticeable if you don't know it) and practically black hair.
Story: So a couple of weeks ago, F was waiting for the train when suddenly, a man (M) walked up to her and boldly asked: "Hey, where are you from?"
F: "Er... this city...
M: "No, I mean what country?!"
F: "The Netherlands..."
M: "What? But you've got such black hair! I just can't believe that a Dutch person could have such black hair! I just can't believe that you're actually Dutch, but have such black hair!"
So, yeah. Apparantly, people with black hair can't be Dutch...
https://redd.it/nr7mz7
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My sister sprays smelly perfume in class
When my sister was in high school she had this perfume that smelled AWFUL. It was like throw up awful, I have no idea why it was made to smell like that. Anyways, my sister was always a prankster and this is one of them.
One day in class she was super bored, she was about to put her head down to sleep when she remembered that she had that perfume in her book bag. She sprayed it A LOT and after a few seconds she started saying “Ew what is that smell?!”. For a moment nobody else smelled it until it just hit them. Her classmates were coughing, covering their noses with their shirts, and one of them was gagging and about to puke. The teacher made all the students leave the classroom so that the janitor could go in there and get rid of the smell. I’m not sure if she told anybody who was in that classroom, this was like 2007-2009.
Anyways, I’ve got a lot of other stories about my sister if you want to hear them.
https://redd.it/nr30ap
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"You can't light a fart on fire!" "Yes you can! Bend over and I'll prove it to you!"
This happened in the 50s when my grandfather was in high school. Back then certain rules were much more laxed. And back then almost everybody smoked. So a lot of teenagers had lighters on hand in school.
Well one day in the gym locker room two guys got in an argument over whether or not you could light farts on fire. My grandpa was there and saw the whole thing go down. The two guys got pretty heated in their argument. But one of them claimed he could prove it and pulled out a lighter. The other guy apparently was known for rather nasty farts. And since he didn't believe farts were flammable, he freely volunteered his own ass for the bet.
He pulled his pants down and the other guy held the lighter up to his ass for a moment. He let out a loud and very nasty fart. And the moment he did, his ass and groin region turned into a flash fireball. Everyone saw it flare up and then the guy screamed and ran for the showers. He didn't suffer any real burns, just some singed hairs. But everyone thought it was funny as hell. And after that no one fought over whether or not you could light a fart on fire in school.
https://redd.it/nqmb29
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Cat caught the Mailman
Now just to be clear this story is about my father in his childhood. This is set during the late 60s on a dirt road farm in the middle of nowhere in Oklahoma. No animals were harmed during this, so dont get angry at me for that. It was LONG before my time.
Now to start my father and my uncle played baseball as kids they played it year round, even won state championships in high school. As smaller kids dad was about 8 and uncle 9, they didnt have alot of money. So since they had one bat, one glove a piece, and one ball. They didnt use them much at home for fear of somehow tearing them up. Grandpa would always say if you break it you wont get another. To get around this they would take old rake handles or something and hit rocks or rotten apples that fell on the ground by the road.
When they would hit rocks and play near the road, the local mailman would come by. He was always scared they would get run over because the end of the driveway was right by a blind curve. This being the sixties he would screa" get your asses out of the road before I bust your ass with my belt". Which my rebellious father and uncle didnt like to much. After some years of this and eventually the mailman telling my grandma that they wouldnt listen to their elders. Which resulted in a firm attitude adjustment. These two hated him and decided to get revenge.
On my grandpa's farm to keep mice down they had cats, after some years of being outside and breeding a few became feral. They hid in a tree near where those cats would come out of the barn and tossed small fishing net over a big tom cat. Eventually got hold of him untangled him from the net and shove him into an old potato sack. All that was left was to wait. The old mailbox had hinges that were weak from people hitting it with bats. So it was held shut with a piece of wire. About time for the mailman and they sprung into action. They grabbed that cat found his head and shoved him rear first into the mailbox and wires the door.
The trap was set but the cat wasn't making any noise and they were worried it wouldn't do anything. They started shaking and banging on the mail box. When the cat growled, then hissed, and finally made a long agitated meow. They new the revenge was primed. They ran to the bushes and laid in wait.
5-10 minutes later mr mailman pulls up, REALLY CLOSE to that mail box. I mean it's almost even with his chest. He just going through the motions checking the mail he needed to grab and turns to insert it. Slowly twists the wire loose and releases an angry cat torpedo directly into his lap. This poor mailman didnt have it parked his foot comes off the brake and back on them then off then on. Each time you can see a cat dashing back and forth around the cab. All the while mail is flying out the window as he tries desperately to grab this cat and toss it. Finally he catches it and tosses it out of the window. He parks his car and screams I know it was you, "you little bastards, next time I see you I'm busting your asses so hard you'll need a wheelchair the rest of your life!"
After that the mailman for years drove up to their mail box would get the wire almost loose then pull out wide and open it with a loop tied to the end of an old axe handle. He saw my grandpa some years later at the grocery store and told him the story and they were punished. They repeated the process some years layer with black birds that were always eating the chicken feed. Apparently you can fit roughly 6 birds in a mailbox comfortably.
https://redd.it/npucyp
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Camping Shenanigans
True story.... My wife and I are introverted. Painfully introverted. Emma, our 5 year old, is not, she's a social butterfly.
We were at Cascade Peaks camping last night and, as per usual, Emma wanted to go on a night walk. Typically we walk just the "block" around our site as soon as it's dark out just for fun. The place was packed last night. Almost all the spots were filled with people camping, eating, drinking and having fun. Partway through our walk, I asked Emma if she wanted to pretend we were lost and go into random strangers camps where there were lots of people just to meet them....
The next few times we saw large groups of people sitting around a campfire, we would stroll right in and I would announce, "Relax! We're back!" Silence and stares would be directed our way and I would profusely apologize as Emma and I scurried back to the darkness giggling.
Next we decided to see if we could get some food from these fine folks...... We entered the campfire circles and announced our return. As soon as we were being stared at, I gave Emma the prearranged signal and she would loudly proclaim, "Daddy! I'm hungry!"......the moms would rush to give us food as I apologized and claimed we were lost. "We don't mean to intrude, we just got turned around!" "Nonsense! Does she like chicken!?" "Someone get that baby a plate!", "Does she want a burger?...." Hahahaha😅🤣
This worked so well that I tried something else....something more for daddy.
We went into another campsite and did our routine. Everyone was so polite and cool! I asked if they knew the family in the next site. They said they didn't.....so....I said, "Those guys were complaining you guys are being loud and drinking the cheap stuff!" The patriarch of the family, old shirtless grey beard, assured me they were in fact not drinking "cheap shit". He looked me dead in the eye and asked, "You like vodka son?" "Why yes. Yes I do......" It wasn't the cheap stuff either!🤣😅🤣😅
We stumbled back to our site after about an hour. Best. Night. Walk. Ever!
https://redd.it/np2y99
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Dorito Lady is my mother.
Okay so this happened years ago but I just had to tell it now.
Years ago when my father and mother were still married, we decided to host a family Memorial Day celebration. My dad went grocery shopping in preparation and got a family sized bag of, you guessed it, Doritos.
My mother looooved them and could eat a whole bag by herself. Very seldom did my father or siblings get any.
Well you can imagine my father’s delight when he opened the cabinet door the next day and saw a whole unopened bag of Doritos! He congratulated her on resisting temptation and allowing the bag to survive a whole 24 hours. She just kind of smiled and took the congratulations. My dad begins cooking but has to throw something away. Upon opening the trash and he sees a red plastic bag at the bottom of the can that looked like it was intentionally placed there. Because it was. So he goes to my older brother who is a teenager at the time and asks if my mother had eaten the bag and replaced it with a new one. My older brother says verbatim “I’m not allowed to speak of this.” So my dad made a plan.
He called my mother into the kitchen and began chatting with her as he was cooking the holiday meals. I’m talking veggie scraps, egg shells, bacon grease, old stuff in our fridge he just randomly saw that needed to be thrown away. By the end of the conversation, the bag was a sloppy liquid mess. He then takes the opportunity to say that he is so excited the Doritos are still there because he saw that there was a movie promotion on the back of the bag where if you buy one movie ticket you get the second one free and they were going to see the movie they had been really wanting to see. She stood there watching in horror as he dumped more eggshells into the trash.
She then decided the trash need to be empty and she tells my older brother to “take out the trash but not do anything special with the bag.” My older brother rolls his eyes but does as she asks. my mother just remembered that the proofs of my recital photos were ready and needed to be reviewed.
She come back 5 hours later. My dad walked in on her in the garage to find her with the sloppy messy bag of trash opened and spread out on the floor, each item meticulously arranged in a way that everything is easy to see. He asked her where she had been and then it was her turn to spill the beans. It turns out she had gone to literally every building that sold Doritos and fought with numerous store clerks about the promotion on the back of the bag. Every gas station, every chain grocery store, every independent grocery store in a three county radius.
My dad busted up laughing and my mother still ate whole bags of Doritos after that.
A bonus story: my father started working at the grocery store in out town that my mother visited. It turns out that the manager dealt with my mother on her little dorito tirade. He said “yeah I remember that” when my dad brought it up one day.
(Cross posted to r/pettyrevenge)
https://redd.it/noencj
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The aliens are invadeing
So I was taking to my friend in class we were talking about how I felt sick and he kept on telling me to tell the teacher but me being to anxious to say anything I just said that I will be fine (the reason I felt sick was because I hadn't had breakfast and I was on pain killers since I had surgery two days before ) my other friend ran up to him and said THE ALIENS ARE INVADEING QUICK GIVE ME YOUR PENIS
https://redd.it/ny4kli
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I pull over in front of the Sticky Rice sushi bar, and he takes his sweet time getting out of the cruiser, building up suspense like a master showman.
Easy now. Play it cool. Remember that cops are only human, with children to feed and clothe and buy video games for. The world has turned into one big crazy RPG, and everyone is using a cheat code.
“Sir, are you aware that you were going fifty-two in a thirty mile-an-hour zone?”
“I was? Damn. Sorry about that, Mister Officer.”
Mister Officer? Crap! The stress is making me sound like a burned-out stoner from the Haight-Ashbury glory days.
“Also, your brake light has burned out.”
Jesus fucking Christ. I work my ass off to make those stupid games, and I have zero mental energy left over. A digital zombie, indeed.
“License and registration, please.”
I dig through my pockets, but I can't find my license. Shit! I took my dummy wallet along this morning (in case I get mugged on Market Street,) but I forgot to put the real one in my zippered pocket. And I forgot to put the registration papers back in the glove box after renewing the license. Shit, shit, crap on a fucking cracker!
“Sorry officer, I forgot to bring that stuff with me. I’m having a bad day all around.”
His mustachioed mouth curls into a hungry grin, sensing a big score. Something to brag about in the locker room down at the station, and boost his chances for a promotion.
“Step out of the vehicle, please.”
Fuck-fuckity-fuck!
I emerge from the transport unit, dazzled by a gleaming dystopian backdrop, like Night City in Cyberpunk 2077. He goes right for my briefcase and finds the “looney tunes” lickety-split, like a well-trained bloodhound. Deep shit, buddy-boy. You slipped off a ladder in Dante Machiavelli’s castle and fell into a giant vat of lava.
“Look what I found, Mister DreamPixel,” he remarks while holding up a baggie full of jagged little pills. “You must be one of those Silicon Valley microdosers.”
“Bingo,” I mutter under my breath. “If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?”
Game Over.
https://redd.it/nxp82t
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Microdosing
Microdosing
by J.D. Savanyu
I grew up playing stupid 2D games, and now I’m making stupid 3D games. Upping the ante with each “immersive digital experience” to distract the players from their pathetic little lives. More character customization, more choice-driven narratives, more melodramatic cutaway scenes, more blood, more boobs . . . and shorter product development phases, pushing programmers like me to the breaking point. Thank god I discovered “Daddy’s Little Helper.”
Three o’clock sharp. Time for another cuppa java, discretely spiked with lysergic acid diethylamide. I have to employ a bit of stealth, because California has been legalizing everything in the lawbook lately, but they still haven’t legalized “looney tunes.” Of course I’m not taking enough to get looney, or daffy, or balls-trippy. Just a little microdosing to maximize my productivity at DreamPixel USA; a wholly owned subsidiary of a Japanese conglomerate. I watch the clouds swirling in my coffee, thinking the sound stuck in my head is about me . . . the tinny MIDI overworld theme to Ultra Chaos 3 from 1989, back when I was a hopelessly awkward dork at Pleasant Valley Middle School. GamePro Monthly called it an “RPG tour de force,” and it turned me into a digital zombie, crawling on my thumbs through an 8-bit wonderland, crafted by Masanobu Eguchi.
“Hey mom, I wanna go to the Stanford School of Game Design, so I can be the next Masanobu!”
“Oh, sweetie, why don’t you do something that actually helps people? Like being a doctor, or a social worker, or a highway engineer.”
“No way! I’ll make a game that’s twice as good as Ultra Chaos 3, and they’ll pay me a gazillion dollars, and those schoolyard bullies will be living in a freakin’ cardboard box and begging me for lunch money!”
None of my bold predictions came true, much to my dismay. Nobody can out-design Masanobu; “the game guru of Harajuku.” I’m dropping acid in a desperate attempt to avoid the poor house, while Masanobu drinks vintage Karuizawa whiskey at a five-star Kobe steakhouse in Kobe. I reluctantly return to my glowing plasma screen, surrounded by fellow PixelDreamers. The sterile soul-crushing smell of Silicon Valley oozes from every crevice of our “open team workspace.”
Ah, here we go. The magic chemical kicks in, and that nagging undertow of chronic depression washes out to the Frisco Bay. It’s just a matter of time before they legalize this shit and throw commercials for it all over the airwaves, just like Viagra before it went generic. Some struggling actor will try to sound natural while yakking over a bubbly remake of “Feelin’ Groovy” by Simon and Garfunkel:
“Having trouble focusing? Falling behind at work or school? Microdosing can make a world of difference, so ask your doctor about Acidera! (Ahem . . . side effects may include rapid heartbeat, increased blood pressure and body temperature, hallucinations, paranoia and distressing flashbacks. Do not consume more than one microdose tablet per day, or these effects will worsen and may cause dangerous life-threatening behavior.) Microdosing truly CAN make a world of difference, so get back in the groove with Acidera! (Buh-da-da-da-da-da-da, feelin’ groo-vey!)
Those side effects haven’t effected me yet, but they surely will. If I’m not careful, I might trip balls, fall into a jail cell, and lose my dream job (which turned out to be a nightmare.) Keep your head in the game, buddy-boy. We’re working like hell to get Magic Gino: The Mandolin of Destiny out to market in time for the holidays, so millions of spoiled brats can unwrap the latest installment in the best-selling game franchise of all time. My current assignment is the warp zone; a secret easter egg in World 1. Gino has to squat down on a white brick wall for five seconds, then he gets sucked down behind it and magically “warps” to World 8, where an evil sorcerer imprisoned Princess Bianca deep inside a gothic labyrinth that would make Count Dracula green with envy. That sexy wench has gotten kidnapped a billion times since ‘82. I guess she spends too much on
My encounter with a “demon”
So this story happened when I was five years old so some details might be missing.
One night I woke up to get a midnight snack and when I stepped outside of my door i stepped on a “demons” tail, so I screamed at the top of my lungs and bolted to my parents room. And that “demons” tail that I stepped on was the cats tail, let’s say it didn’t have a good day after that.
https://redd.it/nxe5e6
@r_funnystories
So you're trying to tell me your name is not "Auntie"?!
My mother and I were visiting her sister (my aunt, for the sake of the story let's call her Christie) and her husband (my uncle, "Rich"). For all of my life, I M22 have never called them just by their name: always "Auntie Christie" and "Uncle Rich", not "Christie" or "Rich".
Now, when we were visiting them and I called my aunt "Auntie Christie", she said: "You can drop the 'Auntie', just call me 'Christie'," to which I replied: "No, that's not gonna work for me. It's Auntie Christie and Uncle Rich! It cannot be just Christie amd Rich! That does not work in my brain!"
And then we had a laugh about it.
https://redd.it/nwgagn
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We Have Your Baby's Fist
I'm at the dentist. Equipment is all in my mouth, so I'm unable to speak. The hygienist pokes her head in and says to me, "We have your baby's fist!" I muster an, "Excuse me, what?" She repeats, slowly this time, "We... have... your... baby's... fist." I feign understanding while I review the audio in my brain.
Eventually, I get to a part of the process where my mouth is somewhat free. I say, "I'm sorry, can you repeat what you said earlier?" She said "We have your baby's fist." I said, "Did you say you have my baby's fist?" "Yes," she replied, "We have its fist."
My kids were about 16 and 13 at the time, so I didn't have a baby. And if I had a baby, what would the dentist's office being doing with its fist?
I explained that I was completely befuddled. She repeated, "We have your baby's fist!?!?!" Finally, a tiny light went on. "Are you confusing me with my brother Jasper?" He had a newborn baby recently and went to the same dentist. She said, "Oh I'm sorry, yes, I thought you were Jasper. We have his baby's fist."
Okay, I was halfway there, but wondering how the hell they got my nephew's fist separated from his arm. She then explained, "Oh, we took a cast of his fist, using the hardening gels used in plaster casting teeth. It's back from the casting lab and ready for him to pick up."
We both started laughing and I told her, "Sorry, but you must understand how bizarre it sounded when I don't have a baby nor do I understand that you provide this otherwise cool service."
Never before have I heard a statement, repeatedly that made absolutely no sense to me.
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@r_funnystories
The Soup Can Story
Me and my friend still joke about this.
A year ago, my friend, who we will call M, invited me to an indoor go-kart racetrack. While we were waiting for our turn, I went into the bathroom. In my stall, tucked under the toilet seat cover box, I see a bit of gold foil. I grabbed it and looked. It was a Magnum condom, completely unopened. I stuff it in my pocket and walk back to M. When I showed him the condom, he proceeds to open it, take it out, exclaim “Ew, it’s slimy!” And throw it behind an arcade machine.
On the car ride home, we tell M’s dad about the Magnum. This prompted him to say, as nonchalant as humanly possible, “Magnums are for guys with soup can dicks”. M and I start dying of laughter. This remains as an inside joke between us. One of us just says “soup can” and we start laughing again.
P.S: if you think this counts as NSFW, let me know in the comments.
https://redd.it/nuz7jl
@r_funnystories
Slow dancing with teacher while listening to rock and roll
So for context my mother had recently taught me how to slow dance and at the age of 7 that was the only way I knew how to dance .
So during elemetry school the higher ups decided to treat us with a live rock and roll concert in the gymnasium (while being pg of course)
And during the concert me being the lonely kid i was I had no one to dance with that was until my teacher offered to dance with me which i agreed to. So me being the proper gentleman i was i began to slow dance with her will a pg version of a rock and roll song in the background and my god she looked so confused while i was dancing with her
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@r_funnystories
I Got Reversed Karened!
I've been substituting this year, both as a teacher and custodian. The employment agency in charge of job assignment has placement personal in charge of texting assignments to subs and their managers who handle school personnel.
Anyway, I called one of the placement personal because no one showed up to let me into the school. She started getting hostile and accused me of being in the wrong. As I was explaining the situation a second time, she accused me of being disrespectful and said I'd have to talk to her manager, to whom she immediately transferred me to.
When the manager picked-up, I asked, "Did she just reverse-Karen me?" The manager laughed, said she does this all the time and world handle it.
Had anyone else been reversed-Karened?
https://redd.it/nt1t7s
@r_funnystories
I got herpes from my stepdad
Wait... its actually funny
One morning i came out of my room (across the hallway to the bathroom) and i saw my stepdad brushing his teeth... with my toothbrush... the following exchange went like this
Me- dude... thats my toothbrush
Him- no, its mine
Me- yours is upstairs
Him- oh... i've been using this one for a month tho
Me- i see
Old story... comes to mind every now and then
https://redd.it/nr3tvr
@r_funnystories
How The Killjoy Stole Happiness
It was the day before summer break, and all was happy
That is until the killjoy woke up, with an attitude that was crappy
He walked over to the window and looked down with rage
He held up his fist and yelled “Damn you, shut the hell up Paige”
He stormed away, still swearing under his breath
Until a horrible idea came to him, and it included death.
He quickly ran to his room, and set out to work
I think it’s safe to say at this point, that this guy is a real jerk.
A few hours later, the making of the weapon was finally done
He would have all of those annoying brats on the run
Back to the window, he arrived in a dash
He aimed his newly devised weapon, and then there was a great flash
Then there were two, then three, then four
Oh the madness, how could he dare shoot more?
The smoke finally cleared, and the noise finally died down.
The killjoy had the biggest smile then, and no longer a frown
He returned to bed that day with his weapon by his side
Knowing that he could once again have his window open wide.
https://redd.it/nqynr3
@r_funnystories
Never trust your dog
As I was just a baby girl, I lived with my parents and our dog in a small town in northern Italy, my father was a surveyor and worked all day long and my mother took care of me at home. In 2002, three Peruvian guys moved into the apartment of the upper floor because they had to work in our town's apple orchards. They used to got up early in the morning and they usually hung their loundry on the balcony right above our garden.
One evening my father came home to find his dog burying a pair of men's underwear in the garden. For the next two days my father believed that my mother was cheating on him and he got mad because she wouldn't tell him who the underwear belonged to. On the third day one of our neighbors knocked to our door claiming for his underwear, which had fallen into the garden.
https://redd.it/nqfue7
@r_funnystories
Flower petals on valentine's arent always the way to go.
Girlfriend and I go on mini vacation for valentine's day. I being a hopeless romantic got her flowers and real rose petals and put them on the bed and floor of our hotel room while she was taking a shower.
We had very intense lovemaking off and on most of the night. We over slept check out and cleaning lady is knocking on door. We quickly grab clothes and throw petals in trash. Get dressed and leave. On our way to the elevator the cleaning lady chased us down and handed my GF pads. Confused and due to a language barrier we walked back to the room. The red petals we had sex on had ground into the sheets and it looked like someone had been murdered. We were in such a hurry we didnt really notice. My girlfriend tried to explain that she was fine and it was from the rose petals. Somehow I dont think she understood, because she did the signs of the cross and said "adios mio"? I think? So at that point we decided to leave before we had this lady thinking we were killers if she didnt already.
Also this was before google translate.
https://redd.it/npjhxl
@r_funnystories
Campsite shenanigans
True story....
My wife and I are introverted. Painfully introverted. Emma, our 5 year old, is not, she's a social butterfly.
We were at Cascade Peaks camping last night and, as per usual, Emma wanted to go on a night walk. Typically we walk just the "block" around our site as soon as it's dark out just for fun.
The place was packed last night. Almost all the spots were filled with people camping, eating, drinking and having fun.
Partway through our walk, I asked Emma if she wanted to pretend we were lost and go into random strangers camps where there were lots of people just to meet them....
The next few times we saw large groups of people sitting around a campfire, we would stroll right in and I would announce, "Relax! We're back!" Silence and stares would be directed our way and I would profusely apologize as Emma and I scurried back to the darkness giggling.
Next we decided to see if we could get some food from these fine folks......
We entered the campfire circles and announced our return. As soon as we were being stared at, I gave Emma the prearranged signal and she would loudly proclaim, "Daddy! I'm hungry!"......the moms would rush to give us food as I apologized and claimed we were lost.
"We don't mean to intrude, we just got turned around!"
"Nonsense! Does she like chicken!?"
"Someone get that baby a plate!", "Does she want a burger?...."
Hahahaha😅🤣
This worked so well that I tried something else....something more for daddy.
We went into another campsite and did our routine. Everyone was so polite and cool! I asked if they knew the family in the next site. They said they didn't.....so....I said, "Those guys were complaining you guys are being loud and drinking the cheap stuff!" The patriarch of the family, old shirtless grey beard, assured me they were in fact not drinking "cheap shit". He looked me dead in the eye and asked, "You like vodka son?"
"Why yes. Yes I do......"
It wasn't the cheap stuff either!🤣😅🤣😅
We stumbled back to our site after about an hour.
Best. Night. Walk. Ever!
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@r_funnystories
Getting the Forbidden Giggles
Old Catholic school kid here. The nuns would get so effing pissed off if we cut up during mass. Nothing would get you in trouble like assing off in the house of the biggest damn crucifix you've ever seen in the South. So, obviously a really really holy place.
My best friend and I were sitting next to each other, the priest was droning on about something achingly boring to a twelve year old or any normal person, for that matter and my friend whispered to me, "Two cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal asked the other cannibal, does this taste funny to you?"
Then here it came, dear God no. Like an uncontrolable sneeze. I knew we were screwed. The forbidden giggles.We could not stop. We just could - not - stop. It kept getting worse. Our hands clasped tightly over our mouths, tears welling. And it got funnier. Like chest pain convulsively funnier. The sounds coming out of us in our attempts not to laugh just made it worse. A nun shot us death glares. Her face all twisted in rage her beady little eyes crumpled in a terrifying squint, pretty much how she always looked. And that was it. We busted out laughing uncontrollably and went complete fight or flight mode and bolted out of the church.
It had to have been a bizarre scene to the pious parishioners among us, getting their devotion on with rosaries in hand. Absolute silence, but for the low monotone rumbling of the priest's sermon, then all of a sudden the sounds of small animals being strangled. Squeaks, gulps, gasps and sharp expulsions of air filled the acoustical sacred space.
Then quite out of the ordinary for a Tuesday morning mass - or any mass really, two knobby kneed, stringy haired little girls are sprinting for the exit while laughing hysterically with a surprisingly spry old nun hot on their heels.
To this day I won't even go to a funeral because I know I'll think of those those cannibals and be forced to act like I'm sobbing. And yes, we were murdered.
https://redd.it/nnrbyp
@r_funnystories