195
Story to tickle your belly @reddit2telegram @r_channels JEET is the administrator
How To Burn Like That And Never Come Back lol
https://youtu.be/e4VziNe4QV0
https://redd.it/10q7sev
@r_funnystories
A short story.
“Alexa, play box fan”
“Playing Fox News”
DUN DUN DUN
“ALEXA STOP”
https://redd.it/10pnm1m
@r_funnystories
Flooded Bathroom Fix Gone Wrong
Not sure if this is the best thread for this but I thought this was kinda funny.
Let's preface this with I'm not a plumber, and generally have no idea what I'm doing in that regard.
So the other night the family and I are watching TV after dinner, and my kids tell me the toilet is overflowing. I think "oh they just clogged it or something", grab a plunger, and get ready to fix the problem.
Boy was I wrong. I am greeted by about half an inch of water covering the entire bathroom. I start scrambling to get every towel in the house to soak up all this water. Then I notice the toilet isn't overflowing from the bowl..... It's coming out from the floor..... Crap. So then I look at the toilet and realize whoever owned the house before us never bolted the toilets down..... So I disconnect the water and pull the toilet off the floor... Sure enough it was clear the wax seal had been destroyed for a while, and water continues to come up through the floor. Great..... There's a clog in the line. Eventually the water stops coming up through the floor, and starts draining away. I use some liquid drain opener since my snake couldn't get anything, and head off to lowe's to get some more, and a new seal for the toilet.
Here's where things get good.
I grab a waxless seal, as well as some more drain opener products and head home. I get there and pull off the old seal from the floor and start installing the new seal. Then in the instruction manual, I find out that if the pipe is more than 1/2 inch below the finished floor, you need 2 of them (said nothing about that on the outside of the package)...... aaaand it's like 3/4 inch below.... Uuuuughhhhhhh. I'm getting more and more frustrated as time goes on, I just want to be done with this already.
Fine, I calm myself and I head back to the store a second time to grab the second seal.
So now armed with the proper amount of seal, I start installing the seal, and get ready to put the toilet back. As I pick up the toilet it slips out of my hands and shatters............. GOD DAMNIT! By this time it's about 10:30 at night and I have to go back to Lowes AGAIN to get a toilet.... at this point I'm in a blind rage because I broke the toilet and I have to go back to Lowes yet again.
So finally I get back home with the new toilet, install it, BOLT IT DOWN, and all is well.
In hindsight I laugh at this, because everything that could have gone wrong did and I'm just thinking how funny it must have been to see someone at Lowes at 10:30PM buying toilets in a rage, plus I was there 3 times in an hour and a half.... I can only imagine what they were thinking... "Look look, this idiot is back again!" 🤣🤣
Tldr; bathroom flooded, had to go to Lowes 3 times to fix, shattered my perfectly fine toilet in the process.
https://redd.it/10o3gtu
@r_funnystories
I'm not the person to wake you from your nightmares
I was busy cleaning up a bit while my Husband was napping. All of a sudden I hear, "HELP!" I ran into the room and realized he was having a bad dream. He's yelling, "OMG! Please someone help me!" His leg was caught in the blanket and he was struggling to get it out as he was screaming for help. I really tried to wake him but the sight of it was too funny, his leg flailing around as the blanket was wrapped around it. Instead, I fell to the floor laughing hysterically, the noise eventually waking him. Apparently his dream was that his leg was stuck in a trap.
https://redd.it/10odd33
@r_funnystories
BFT
The bft
as i stared at the skillet the oil sizzled as i placed the egg soaked bread down. The bacon glistened in the sunshine as i grabbed a strip out the pan my teeth crunched thru the crispy edges yet it had a chewy texture. The smell of cinnamon and butter hits my nose as i flip it scraping my spatula over the french toast making sure it has a perfect crust . As i look back at the bacon oil pops splashing across my forehead the spatula drops from my hands as i shield my eyes. As i opened them i see my spatula has landed on the handle of the pan launching bacon and grease across the stove. It was then i seen it... bacon on a french toast a BFT
https://redd.it/10nashz
@r_funnystories
Oop
At 12 my school had this boy, d. D was Christian (not anything wrong with it) but he was homophobic. He said gay people hated god and the army.
I was gay.
I was at a club and me and my friend made a joke. We got my pink pineapple rubber (eraser) and circled it pretending to summon demons.
A few months later he found out and he had a problem with it. During break he came up to me and said.
“You’re going to hell, you demon”
Later he called me a demon and tried to trip me in French.
I found it funny.
https://redd.it/10mrwcr
@r_funnystories
Chicked Road Crossing Math
Once upon a time, there was a chicken who wanted to cross the road. The farmer asked, "Why do you want to cross the road?" The chicken replied, "To get to the other side!" The farmer laughed and said, "If you want to get to the other side, just walk straight across the road, you don't need to cross it." The chicken thought for a moment and said, "What do you mean? I'm not a mathematician, I'm a chicken!"
https://redd.it/10m1i9k
@r_funnystories
The Time I Tried to Smuggle Weed
TL/DR- I wasn't cut out to smuggle weed
About 10 years ago, I helped my sister move from LA to Dallas following her divorce. She was a big time stoner (had a medical card) and was going to have to quit cold turkey. The day of the move, after the movers left we went to dinner before our flight where she smoked as much as she possibly could. She left me her leftovers, although weed isn't really my thing.
When I flew home, my car reeked of dank weed. I wrapped it in zip lock bags and put it in my garage. About three weeks go by and she calls me desperate, "can you please send me that weed!?" I'm reluctant to mail weed, I'm a law abiding citizen after all, and don't want to see federal jail.
Then I remembered my old stoner roommate in the 90's who would get weed mailed to him from Oregon. Their technique was to take apart a VHS tape and wrap it up and put it in place of the tape. I decided to go for it. Found an old VHS and went to work. Packaged it and got it ready to mail. I was still sweating it a little bit but put it in the car to drop at the post office. As I'm driving to the post office, I get a call from an unknown number. I answer and hear "This is Special Agent So and So with the Federal Bureau of Investigations..." I look at the package in the passenger seat and as my stomach jumps into my throat wonder how the fuck they knew?!!!
It turns out my next door neighbor who was a high level marine corp officer was being promoted to a very secret position and they were interviewing neighbors. I almost shit though and dumped the package in a dumpster on the way home. Sorry sis.
https://redd.it/10j1rox
@r_funnystories
tentative
Was on a call with a friend back home, he asked if I'd like to see a photo of some possum bones. I said "tentatively yes"
He's like "what's that mean."
I'm like "tentative? Like hesitant."
"What's hesitant mean?"
"Well fuck dude I don't know how to describe hesitant other than tentative. Let me google it."
Hesitant (adjective)
1 tentative, unsure
https://redd.it/10hln39
@r_funnystories
Should it be illegal if a person looks nothing like their hinge profile? Like shits getting outrageous.
https://redd.it/10gdy5e
@r_funnystories
A situation that happened in class.
My teacher was telling us about a competition with other schools that one of her classes was competing in, she told us that she has high hopes for them and that she hopes they win. A few minutes later she got a call from one of her friends and then said out loud "Wait.... They lost?!" and then the entire class started laughing.
Luckily they only lost this subject and they still had the highest total grades at that point so they were still able to continue. They ended up losing in the finals cuz they lost the tie breaker.
https://redd.it/10g0dk8
@r_funnystories
mustard
when i was a kid i would drink the strangest things such as pickle juice, mustard etc. once in fourth grade i think. there was track day.(track day in my school was you would be with your class and do activities such as running, long jump, hula hoop huts etc. they were serving hot dogs for lunch with your choice of condiments. i chose mustard because i loved it the time. and figured out you take as many condiment packets as you want, so i took like 16 or 17 packets of mustard and drank all the mustard out of the packets, RAW, nothing with it just mustard.
https://redd.it/10emsc0
@r_funnystories
Red Vs.. Blue! By By yours truly uhhhhh me eeee
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nfA7OdnnMoxeCC99tHQz3uTItAXpn\_RhXY6Z7YmmPK8/edit#
https://redd.it/10e5vbh
@r_funnystories
The train that opens its doors on both sides
So this is a funny thing I see almost every week. I use this train to go and come back from dance classes. And where I live, trains opens 1 side of the doors. And this particular train I ride opens 2 of them. But not in sink.The announcement that’s tells you everything you need to know after the trains stops, the say “the doors on the right side will open, after the left doors”. So, people get up when the trains stops and go to there separate doors. But the left sides open and the people who was standing on the right side turns the head around and go to the left doors, while I laugh and go through the right.
https://redd.it/10d7so5
@r_funnystories
pole
I was walking to the toilet in my house and then I walked into a street pole and fell in love and had babys the end
and that is how I was born
https://redd.it/10c0au1
@r_funnystories
How To Burn Like That And Never Come Back
https://youtu.be/e4VziNe4QV0
https://redd.it/10pukvd
@r_funnystories
That was my gum!
A funny story for you. Back on February 12, 2013, a cop did some things blah blah blah cabin on fire and whatnot. I left my car parked across the street from my apt thinking everything will be fine... The next morning I was going somewhere when I noticed the items I had on my front seat floor are now in the backseat. With further inspection, I realized my car was broken into and my work equipment was gone. Yes, I was very pissed off and needed to call the cops but the worst part wasn't the work equipment being stolen it was the fucker who broke in and actually had time to figure out which gum to steal in my cup holder. A day before I bought 2 gums. Trident White and Orbit Wintermint and this fucker stole the Orbit... It's funny now but at the time I was pissed that they took the time to figure out which one they wanted and the orbit gum was missing 3 pieces while the other was still wrapped.
https://redd.it/10pere4
@r_funnystories
How I Got Her Number.
I'd like to start off by saying that women have always been mysterious to me. And even though I wear glasses that have lenses bigger than Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass, I still can't find enough clues to figure them out. So it still amazes me to this day that I was able to con a girl into giving me her phone number.
I think I was able to achieve this impossible feat because I took the advice my grandpa gave me.
"Sonny, learn how to beg."
And that's exactly what I did. I took a ten-day online course on begging and pleading. I graduated at the top of my class, with honors. Now, like any sensible individual, I was ready to put my education to use.
At this time, I was taking an adult painting class. It just so happens that I was the only guy who attended this class. So my odds were increased, based on sheer lack of competition. There were many pretty women in this class. But there was one in particular who caught my eye.
She was like a pine tree, tall, hard, and if we fell in love in the forest, no one would hear us. She was also kind and gentle, and she looked like she could eat me alive. Her name was Melancholy. The most beautiful name in the world.
I had my plan made out. I'd walk into class, give her direct eye contact for twenty minutes straight, until she would say hello to me, or call the police. Heads up, my plan went sideways.
I walked into class fully prepared. Until I realized that she wasn't there. She ended up coming twenty minutes late. So much for the direct eye contact. I knew I'd have to turn to drastic measures.
There were only thirty minutes left of class. So I walked over to her, and then I began to execute, "The Method."
Step one: method used by Julius Cesar when Cleopatra kicked him out of the bedroom. Begging and pleading.
I got on my knees abruptly and proceeded to tell her how badly I wanted her phone number. I knew my performance was going well because the whole class went silent. And she showed a look of grand surprise. I then proceeded with step two.
Step two: method used by Marlon Brando in Street Car Named Desire. Crying and screaming.
I rolled myself to the middle of the classroom and then started to scream her name. HEEEEYYYYYYY MEELAANNCHHOLLY!
I knew that my technique had worked. By the time I was done screaming, she was at my side, furiously writing down her phone number. She handed it to me and walked out of the classroom. I yelled: Call you at eight, as she was leaving.
When eight o clock rolled around, I was as cool as a cucumber. I called her up, but strangely, she didn't answer. Oh well, she must be busy. I ended up getting a call back at midnight, and this is what she said: "Sorry I missed your call, I was hanging out with my boyfriend."
Oh my God.
https://redd.it/10ol0gc
@r_funnystories
My Date.
Lately, I've been seeing countless videos of people taking themselves out on dates. So I figured, hey, why not try it myself. I'm a lonely bastard. I decided to make a reservation at the most exquisite restaurant I could think of. Golden Corral.
I knew I wanted to impress myself, so I picked out my best outfit, an "I'm With Stupid " tee-shirt, and some tattered jeans. I wanted the car to smell nice, so I went to Dollar Tree and got an air freshener. I was set and ready to go. The reservation was for Friday, I picked out my outfit and bought the air freshener on Thursday. So that meant the date was on the next day.
I wasn't nervous, just a little jittery. It had been a while since I'd been on a date. However, I still managed to sleep well. I even had an erotic dream of what could happen if I managed to wine and dine myself. Skipping forward a little bit, Friday was now here.
I did all the usual things, put on my clothes, took a shower, and brushed my teeth. Not in that order, mind you. I decided to show up fashionable late by two minutes. When I got there, my date looked incredible, if I do say so myself.
Even though it had been a while for me, I could tell things were going well. I was eating my food, and the conversation was stimulating. In the end, I even stepped forward to pay the bill. Real man shit right there.
The real shocker came when it was time to leave. I kept noticing that I was giving myself hints of going back to my place. When I asked myself if that's what I wanted to do, I happily obliged.
On the way back, I could feel the sexual tension building. My hand kept caressing my thighs, and I was giving myself dirty looks the whole way back. When I finally made it back to my place, it seemed like I couldn't wait. My clothes were halfway off by the time I was through the door.
I never would have guessed that I wanted myself so badly. The "sex" was amazing, probably my best performance. I lasted all of five minutes. Afterwards, I offered myself a cigarette, to which I declined. I don't smoke. But on the bright side, I ended up going three more rounds, and then I went to sleep.
But the strangest thing happened the next morning. When I woke up, to my surprise I was gone. I tried calling myself, but I never answered. I don't know what I did wrong. The sad part is that I was the best I ever had. But I guess you can win em all.
https://redd.it/10o3ynd
@r_funnystories
Dad asked me to give him a buzz cut when I was 14. He regretted it.
Ten years ago, my dad (then 47) asked me (then 14f) to give him a buzz cut. I’m not well-versed in clipper sizes or anything, I’m thinking it was 3.5 maybe? Just to give you an idea.
Prior to the cut, he had a bald patch on the back left-side of his head that was in line with just a centimeter below the top of his ear down to the neckline.
When I finished the cut, he wanted me to even out the hair on the base of his neck. He grabbed the clippers, took the guard off and handed them back to me. I evened it out… the whole bald patch. I assumed he knew it was there—since I’d never noticed it prior to the moment he sat down for me to cut his hair, I assumed he tried to do his hair himself, botched it, and wanted me to even it out so that by the next time he needed his hair cut, that area would be even and we could skip over that section so all of the hair would be even. Dumb logic, I know. Idk what I was thinking.
He said, “Sam, you better not have messed up my hair. I’m going to be pissed if you did. I have to give a lecture this evening.” “It looks fine,” I said back and walked inside to my mom’s room.
“Mom, please tell dad it looks good,” I pleaded. She asked, “Sam, what did you do??” I said, “No time to explain. I know he’s going to ask you..” and she said, “Okay. I got you.”
He walked into the room and said, “Does it look okay?” At first my mom said, “It looks great!” but as he was using another mirror to get a look, she broke. She laughed so hard she cried. He was PISSED!!! I was trying to explain what happened but he wouldn’t hear me out and just started ignoring me.
He went to work, came home, and still wouldn’t talk to me. My mom reassured me by telling me she did the exact same thing years ago and he eventually got over it. I guess I’d just never noticed the bald patch before.
I made my way into the kitchen and constructed a BEAUTIFUL sandwich and gave it to my dad as a peace offering/an apology gift. He stopped being mad after he ate the sandwich.
https://redd.it/10n942s
@r_funnystories
Is this patient being creepy or not?
okay someone tell me if im crazy. (im an acupuncturist in pain management and orthopedics, to set the scene); new patient, 37 male, psychologist, gay man (i am also gay). low back, shoulder, and wrist pains. super common. as im palpating his forearms i ask if he is right hand dominant, and he said yes, but i masturbate with my left hand. so im like.... *giggle laugh and mask the awkwardness*. Moments later while im working on him, face down, he asks if i ever do acupuncture on the penis. i respond, masking, that no there arent points on the genitals, but we can treat stuff like ED with other points. as im setting the last of the treatment in place to rest for 25-30 minutes he asks if i can take his socks off (not uncommon) which I do, and he says "i shouldve just got butt naked" to which i said "oh yeah thats never needed, we can always switch out clothes for blankets or spa wraps in the future." and i left the room. so... i know gay guys we often are more casual talking about things, but like... that seemed super weird to me. am i crazy?
https://redd.it/10mzode
@r_funnystories
fart story
I was at Walgreens yesterday ,and I let out a smelly egg fart ,that shit hit my nostrils like a Mayweather jab , so to ensure I don't carry the smell with me, I stood there for a bit,looked around for clearance and then I proceeded to walk away , I look back and a old guy walks straight into the heart of the fart ,he starts grimacing and coughing ,yelling WTF!,, you would of thought he got teared gas or some shit , he's antics had me rolling so hard ,I farted again , I ran out.
https://redd.it/10kp1jd
@r_funnystories
Sooo this happened
My guy friend wanted to hang last night once my sisters party was over .. we end up going to grab some food (taco bell) and otw back we’re just vibing & chilling. It’s a comfortable silence with the music playing and I kid u not this man turns over, looks at me and says “your so damn pretty id eat a taco out of your ass” 😂💀I laughed so hard because I initially thought it was a goofy joke.. but when we get back to my house and in the room.. this dude asks can he put the fiesta potatoes on my ass and eat them off!!🤣WITH A ST8 face
.
.
I let him lol 😂 it was a good night 💀💀
https://redd.it/10inpbs
@r_funnystories
Montezuma's Revenge
Once upon a time, there was a man named Bob who was traveling on a business trip to Mexico. He had been warned about the infamous "Montezuma's Revenge" but didn't take it too seriously. However, as soon as he arrived at his hotel, he began to feel the effects.
One evening, Bob decided to use the restroom at a local restaurant. As he was sitting in the stall, he heard some commotion coming from the stall next to him. He couldn't help but overhear the conversation between a man and a woman.
The woman was trying to give the man a blowjob, but unfortunately, she was failing miserably. Bob couldn't help but chuckle to himself at the situation.
The man, frustrated with the woman's lack of skills, said, "I think I'd rather just have Montezuma's Revenge at this point."
The woman, embarrassed and offended, stormed out of the stall, leaving the man alone. Bob couldn't hold back his laughter any longer and let out a loud chuckle.
The man, realizing he was not alone, asked "Hey, are you laughing at me?"
Bob, still laughing replied "No, no...I'm just dealing with Montezuma's Revenge myself"
The man, now understanding, couldn't help but join in on the laughter as well.
After that, Bob and the man became fast friends, bonding over their shared experience and the comedic relief from an unfortunate situation. They even went out for drinks later that night, but Bob made sure to stick to bottled water.
The moral of the story is that even in the worst of situations, a good sense of humor can turn things around.
https://redd.it/10hfppr
@r_funnystories
Best accidental farting in public stories. Just uncomfortable farts you let slip. Like once I let a fart rip that I thought was silent but it was a wet one in class.
https://redd.it/10fpd05
@r_funnystories
pain
I was just laying in bed, minding my own business. All of a sudden my leg itches and because I'm lazy, I scratched it with my other foot. Little did I know that would give me the worst foot cramp I've ever felt in my life, to the point I was almost brought to tears. I tried to move my foot closer so I could try and massage it to make the pain go away, but I couldn't move. 2 minutes later and the pain is now gone and all is well in the world.
https://redd.it/10frjd6
@r_funnystories
I use funny names when ordering food or being put on a wait list.
I started using funny made up names when ordering food or being put on a wait list. I want to see people's reaction. I want to see if they squirm, laugh or don't say anything about the name. I'm really good at keeping a straight face when the name is called at a restaurant. Anyone else do this?
https://redd.it/10elezj
@r_funnystories
I was the master of hide and seek when I was young
When I was 4, I was at my friend's house and we were playing hide and seek. When my mom arrived to pick me up, they couldn't find me so they called for me. I did not come out until they found me.
https://redd.it/10e0v7n
@r_funnystories
1 Second Victory
This was a long time ago me and my brother were playing a 2D shooter game. I was blue he was red, He was my older brother so older brothers assert dominance over you so ofcourse he beat me everytime. Until I picked up a UZI and shot him off the platform, I celebrated for one second. But my brother was not having it he was like "𝙸 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚊 𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚋𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚌𝚎" so he actually fell on a machine gun and a jetpack so in a split second he rose back up and started shooting me, It happened so fast that it was the funniest occurance ever. We bring it up like once a year and this was almost a decade ago.
https://redd.it/10dfnp4
@r_funnystories
Oh boy...
So we were all at that age were we had to sneak out of the house and do "hoodrat" stuff right?. I spent the weekend at my grandparents house. The house I grew up. Unfortunately I slept up stairs. All my family was downstairs. And my girlfriend is in my bedroom. I really wanted to get stoned but couldn't smoke in the house. We have a bathroom window on the second floor. a very small window. With the front porch overhanging right underneath the window. I climb out of it. Standing on the overhanging I'm closing the window and a fucking bird or bat hits flies and hits be straight in the face.i fell off the overhanging hit a bush. Now have a broken collarbone....
https://redd.it/nzfutc
@r_funnystories