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Story to tickle your belly @reddit2telegram @r_channels JEET is the administrator
I indirectly came on my friend in Jr. High and i havent heard from him since
So i know this sounds bad, but its not at all what you think. I'll start by saying 8th graders are gross and do crazy things to get off, or at least i did after discovering i can jerk off.
So there was a school store where you can trade in school currancy for different toys and prizes. I had just watched American pie for the first time and a crazy idea occurrd. I decided to buy one of the foam nerf footballs.
Once i got home, i went into the bathroom and looked at an old jet magazine that was piled in my grandmas house. It was called beauty of the week. There was one specific woman who had a nice curvy butt so i got to it.
After cutting the top of the top of the ball, a perfect sized hole awaited me. No one was home so i went absolutely beserk, leaving the football soaked and sticky.
I went to the trashcan in the ally to hid my shame. My friend (I'll call him zoe) saw me. He told me to throw the football and i declined. He called me a bitch or a pussy, sending me into a rage. I tossed the cum soaked football at his face as hard as i could. He glared at me in disbelief the moment he realized what it was. He was too disgusted to even be angry.
Though i had expected him to tell everyone at school, he didn't. I guess getting hit with the football is worse than putting your meat into it.
https://redd.it/13je4bl
@r_funnystories
Hung out with friends last night.
I got invited to ride veo scooters downtown(group of 6 people) after we finished we decided to go smoke. We went to the parking garage stair some time went by I don’t know how much time because I was already gone by then. We hear the door below us open we all jump up and book it then the guys goes “don’t worry, don’t put the blunt out” in a reassuring tone so we all relax after he left we all just started laughing since we all got up so fucking fast😭.(I suck at story telling I hope you guys can imagine it in a way that’s funny you for)
https://redd.it/13htkv5
@r_funnystories
Funny story of the internet
My mom one time said that in the 90s she wanted to get some sporting stuff on website. So she went to dicks.com. The problem was before dicks sporting good got that website later, she got pictures of the other dicks. My mom usually would have to wait, so she got something before that happened, and when she saw the screen, she freaked out and left it. It was the most awesome story my mom told me. I went to the way back and it was obviously real
https://redd.it/13gl3pr
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curled so hard I thought I’d tickled the soles of my feet with the tips of my toes.
Two needles in each testicle. When the final needle was withdrawn and the numbness signaled the beginning of the downhill side of this experience, the kaleidoscope of pain began to subside. In the wake of this sudden dopamine surge a terrible thing began to happen. In fact, the “thing” that happened was my thing.
An unbeckoned boner began to lift it’s head from the warm towel - like a cobra, charmed by the deft hands of the surgeon who had been unceremoniously gripping and moving it around, heedless of the consequences for such actions. Mortified, I did what I instinctively do in these situations.
“Sorry, Doc - I assure you, it’s not personal.”
With zero inflection, and zero eye contact, he said “No biggy” and continued his work.
Well played. I can appreciate a professional.
I passed the remainder of the procedure staring at the ceiling, smelling the noxious odor of charred ball-meat, wishing I could be LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD.
That was the worst Toga Party I ever attended.
https://redd.it/13c0ndk
@r_funnystories
Accidental stench
I was 12 at the time and was taking a shower and 12 year old me decided to look how muscular I was, so I flexed as hard as I could until I felt a long stream of shit flow out of me, I picked up the almost oxygenized shit and threw it in the toilet as hard as I could and it ended up landing on the wall, parents beat the tar out of me and we had to put that certain bathroom in quarantine for a few days while we cleaned it.
https://redd.it/13c1ag1
@r_funnystories
Airport diarrhea
Yes. Airport diarrhea, happened at the worst time lmao. I'll never forget it was last year during winter of 2022 and I ran to the bathroom. I was just about to start when this lady also ran in and started sobbing (fml) she went into a stall and started telling a sibling her father had just passed but ass couldn't hold it any longer lmao. It was so loud I wondered what the person on the other side of that call thought 😂 I even stifled laughter into folded toilet paper. I couldn't believe this was happening 😂 poor lady.
I finally got comfortable in the airplane and recalled what happened then erupted into laughter. Then the stranger next to me asked me what was so funny and I told him this story only pretended it wasn't me 😂
https://redd.it/13a57ie
@r_funnystories
Looking for funny stories from teachers, current or former
Hello All!
I know all teachers have days that are incredibly frustrating and difficult. But I also know that there are many moments that are unbelievably humorous and gut-bustingly funny. I have an opportunity for you to earn a free audiobook and help with an awesome project at the same time.
I am compiling a collection of funny teaching stories and am going to release them into an audiobook and maybe even a print book. I am looking for as many of the most hilarious stories you can remember. In order for this project to work I need as many stories from as many teachers as possible. I am collecting HUMOR stories. They can be a little gross, mildly painful, but the overall theme is funny. I am trying to capture the lighter side of teaching rather than the stuff that is currently in the media.
Please think about your funniest moments and send them to funny.teacher.stories@outlook.com. Other than your email address, submissions will be totally anonymous. I will not ask for your name, school, etc. A few guidelines to help with what you send:
\-Please include as much background detail and information as you can…I want the story to be told by you! The humor should sound as authentic as possible and I want to accurately represent the story as it happened.
\-I will edit out or alter any names, dates, or other identifiers you send. Otherwise I will use your story as you send it.
\-If you would like to include an alias (such as “The Terminator from Nevada”) I will add that in to the story.
\-If I do choose to use your story in the audiobook you will receive a copy available for download FREE.
Again, the email address to send your stories is funny.teacher.stories@outlook.com. Please SHARE with as many teachers as you can because I want to represent the very best humor we can find.
https://redd.it/138yean
@r_funnystories
Regulars Part One
I have a nickname for most of my regular customers.
Mr Mercury comes in every couple of nights for a six pack of Mercury Cider. He looks like a wrestler so I was a little intimidated by him at first until I asked if he had a rewards card and he smiled and gave an energetic "Yes I do" as a response. Each time this guy comes in I can't work him out as a person. I like to think that when he gets home amongst familiar people, he becomes an energetic, humorous party-goer.
Mr Merlot comes in between 6 - 6:30 pm every night to grab his $6 bottle of Merlot. He is approximately in his 60's and at first, seems anti social and disheveled. Over time, I have grown to respect him and like his values.
One night not long ago, I experienced my first theft which happened to be a valued at quite a large amount of money. Mr Merlot entered the store as I was calling out to the thief to not return back to the store. This began the first major conversation I had with Mr Merlot which earned my respect. He asked what had happened and once hearing the story he grew frustrated with people thinking it's okay to steal rather than earning the money to buy it in the first place. He told me about one time watching the security guard at the time chase down a thief for two blocks (and caught him) only to come back and reveal he was in his seventies! Mr Merlot told me that he had been shocked that a man of such an age could show such physical ability. Mr Merlot is very kind and calls me "Dear" each time he visits the store and on the days he has had a bad day, he lets me know that he is not in a very good mood however without fail, I always receive a smile and a thankyou from him.
Mr Carlton Dry Ten-Pack sometimes comes in daily and sometimes every few days. He purchases a ten pack of beer for someone else, I have never been able to figure out if it is for a partner, friend or relative. Without fail, his entrance is as though he is on a mission with time constraints. He receives my welcome with a friendly yet assertive vibe, places his shopping bags on the floor near the counter and rushes to the fridges to the rear of the room. He never looks at anything else, he knows exactly why he is there. He then rushes over to the counter to pay before rushing back out of the store. He once told me it wasn't for him and I have never seen him with anybody else so I often wonder what his background is. Perhaps this is a story for the future.
Mr Kentucky Bourbon 1 Litre. This is a man in is late sixties - early seventies. He is thin with shaggy, grey hair and he doesn't speak. When I say he DOESN'T speak, I mean he tries to but the sounds muffle together so heavily that I cannot understand what he is saying. When he comes into the shop, I know that he is after Kentucky Bourbon in a one litre bottle. He doesn't have a rewards card and doesn't want a receipt but he likes it when I place the bottle into his shopping bag for him. This is another customer I would love to know more about in terms of his circumstances. I often worry about my regular customers about why they drink so heavily.
To end on this one on a positive note, I have a couple who come in perhaps once or twice a month and every time they come in they have me in fits of laughter. They are both gym junkies and look seriously happy with their lives which instantly makes me happy to see. They are both so down to earth and funny and you can tell instantly that they are just loving life together. My favourite thing about these two coming in is the second they see me, they know that we are about to start bantering to levels that make the eyes water! "Oh no not you again," "What do you want?" and "Just buy one of everything," are common comments made when these guys walk in. I love serving them.
​
In my next post I'll be writing about more of my regulars. The witch lady, Mr Jack Daniels, Mr Johnnie Walker and The Lady who smells like she owns 20 cats will be the topic!
https://redd.it/136bd6k
@r_funnystories
I wrote this story for my English homework. I had to write about the best family gathering.
This was the best family gathering. Let me explain.
It was the start of 2023. A new year that was bound to be miles more boring than the last (and looking at it retrospectively 4 months on I was right). During the Christmas holidays Frankie had purchased a new game: Cards Against Humanity. He sent an image to the WhatsApp group saying something along the lines of “Look what I just bought from Menkind in Broadway”. I told him “Bring it to school the day we go back” as a joke. I didn’t think he’d actually do it.
So School starts for the new year and it gets to lunch time. Frankie pulls the box of cards out of his bag. The table we sat at consisted of Frankie (the culprit himself), Kian, Jack, Harry and I. Adjacent to us was a group of year 11 girls who often stare at us in disgust even to this day purely based on our existence. Frankie opens the box and we start playing.
In case you are oblivious to the gameplay of Cards Against Humanity, the rules are pretty simple; the owner of the pack (in this case Frankie) will take a black card at random which contains the start of a sentence. The other players each take three white cards which complete that sentence. Some of the results admittedly don’t make grammatical sense but are often funny to read. We played the game for almost the entire 25 minute duration of our lunch break but somebody had to ruin the fun.
I didn’t mention it earlier but Cards Against Humanity is not a very safe for work kind of game. Many of the cards contain inappropriate material such as blasphemy, crude humour, controversial political opinions and societal stereotypes which may be perceived as offensive to some. It is not appropriate for academic use especially. There were several instances where Mrs O’Brien would walk past us and we would have to quickly cover the game up to make sure she didn’t see the cards about what Santa delivers the children this year instead of presents. At the last minute of lunch, I felt the essence of a teacher lurking behind me. I had no idea which teacher it could be though I soon found out when I turned my head and saw Mr Goodsell.
“Lads, do you really think this is appropriate?” He said to the five of us.
At first I believed it was the end for me and the rest of the group, but when he asked
“Would you like to read out your card Brad?”
I knew we weren’t going to end up in bother.
“Mohammad, peace be upon him.” I replied, stuttering due to the shock of his sudden appearance over my shoulder.
“Could’ve been much worse.” He said, walking away. We put the game away and it was time for our science lesson.
That was quite honestly one of the funniest experiences I’ve had at school. I would play again but Frankie gets anxious because he thinks we may be caught by a less friendlier threat and the consequences may be brutal.
Not really a family gathering per se, unless you consider friends to be family.
https://redd.it/1350qk8
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Mouldy grape and the bed broke
So one time me and my friends we’re having a sleepover 2 of them. E found a mouldy grape in my room and chucked it at J then J threw it at me R and we had so much fun then it split into it two one went in the hall the other went under my bed E went to retrieve it and got stuck upside down on the railing of my bed and broke it 🤣everyone thinks all girl sleep overs are makeover proved wrong hahaha
https://redd.it/1335ubr
@r_funnystories
Stiky firecraker in class
This happen when I was like 12. We were in computer science class making a basic game code. Out of nowhere, I heard people starting to see people frowning and I was confused. One of my friends was also looking as if it was the most disgusting thing ever, so I looked around and still found nothing. Then my friend covered their nose. For context, I have a very good smell ability, but it blocks whenever I'm really concentrated. So I smelled and almost puked.
The smell was horrendous. Like, I've never smelled anything worse. Fortunately, it was only one corner of the class that had a huge window. But even when we opened it, the smell was unbearable. The 10 people who smelled more of the stinking thing had to leave class because they started gagging. I was the only one who stayed because, as I said, if I was concentrated I had the ability to block the smell.
But the thing was that most people were talking about the smell and I couldn't concentrate anymore, so I had to leave at the end too.
At the end of the class, I heard that there was this guy who had brought a kind of stinky firecracker to the school and accidentally fell from his pocket. He didn't get into much trouble because in the end we all thought it was funny and let it go. But the smell for the next two hours was really bad (the next teacher didn't let us leave the class, so we just had to deal with it with the windows open as wide as we could).
Never mentioned anything about it again, but it was certainly an experience we never want to live again.
https://redd.it/132umc6
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I have struck my brother with a car on multiple occasions.
I(33F) have hit my youngest brother (m28) with a car on five different occasions and bribed him to keep quiet.
2004 The first time. I was fifteen and he was ten. Our parents were often busy due to their work.
One day mom handed me the keys to the car to bring my brother back home from our grandparents farm three miles down the road. Being a very eager fifteen year old with a driver's permit I was excited to prove I was responsible. So excited I called my then boyfriend while driving.
Long story short. I hit my brother Jack with the car going about fifteen miles an hour.
I had knocked the wind out of him and he was scrapped up by the grass and gravel. I made sure he was okay. I apologized and comforted him. He was still crying amd rightfully angry at me but I couldn't let it slip so I bribed with ice cream and told if he told on me that would in fact make him a homosexual and couldn't have ice cream because homosexual men are alway on diets. (2004 in south. I know it's wrong now. I'm not homophobic)
So I bribed him with ice cream from the corner store. I used my first paycheck from a snack shack I worked at during the summer to buy enough for all my siblings (5 of us in total.) Told my parents he fell and he was just embarrassed. My parents thought it was very sweet of me and told me I was a good and loving sister.
2011 Second time.
Returning home after finishing my time in the airforce to introduced my husband then boyfriend to my family. I was in town going about twenty miles an hour. Then I turned the corner without looking and bam!
Husband shouts, "Oh shit you hit an emo kid!"
Jack rolls on and off the hood into the cross walk. My husband and I jump out. Jack gets up. Wipes himself off looks at me, looks at my husband and before we say anything. He Offers a hand shake.
"Name's Jack. I'm the younger brother."
I cooked his favore meals every night that week to keep them quiet. As my parents have said. I am a sweet and loving sister.
2012 Number three!
Getting used to a brand new car and backing out of my apartment parking space. Jack was bringing groceries our dad picked up from the farmers market. Nothing too exciting. I laughed and said to not be a "pussy-ass-baby-bitch"
I had to explain the whole thing to my neighbors. They did not like me.
2017 fourth time.
Jack was at the bar with my younger siblings celebrating his victory in a boxing match. (Like I said. He's tough.)
I was six month pregnant and exhaused I woke up to My baby sister calling me and mumbling "We Clant bive... Can you Elp ussssss."
With my husband away taking care of his dad. I come to the rescue. I pull into the parking lot and you guessed it. Hit Jack and sending him into a the drainace ditch. Our brother, Andrew, and our baby sister, Kai, were laughing. Jack gets up and calms the onlookers and proudly proclaims we are, "Not entirely white trash just a little white trashy."
I took my siblings for McDonald's and I swear to God the ice cream machine worked!
When asked by our parents how Jack ruined his new shirt. He said he was drunk and stumbled.
2023 (Today)
The kids wanted to see their fun uncle and he agreed to baby sit for us. I saw Jack walking outside his house on a phone call smoking a cigarette with his ear buds in. It was just too perfect and I just couldn't help my self. My husband was knew what I was doing and tried to stop me but it was too late. I drove six miles and hour and Bump! Jack yelped, bolted and dropped his phone.
My husband, sister in law (Jack's wife) and our oldest neice were not amused but Jack and I had a good laugh.
So reddit. That's it. I plan on confessing to my parents on Jack birthday. I'm gonna cook his favorite. (Fried chicken, gravey and curley fries.) Our sisters are providing the ice cream.
https://redd.it/132e87w
@r_funnystories
Getting attacked while taking a mate out to lunch
today some kids tried to flog me and its funny cos they went to blank and they said they f'd me up. they hit me once but it was a swing not a hit. and they didnt f me up. but someone obviously f'd him up cos he is like 4'3''. anyways i was just trying to eat sushi and there was around 30 of this mob and all of these rats were at every corner. as we were walking home they cornered my mate so i said stuff this went over to them and the midget who happens to be 14 (so a year nine) swung and only made contact to my face. he said he wants to 1v1 me like bro it aint fortnine and he said not to bring weapons or family. anyways i had already decided that i would give the restaraunt that let me in a box of chocolate for their kindness and that i would go with my dad. this is around the same area that they said they would meet me at to have a 1v1 so they finna be suprised. anyways i learnt that midgets talk mad trash bcos i snitched on their cousin a term ago. (my dad is a police officer (: )
https://redd.it/131qx1q
@r_funnystories
This email was actually sent to a customer as a excuse. Long
You’re a jerk!!!!!!
A funny jerk, but jerk nonetheless
Thx for the heart murmur and laugh
Take care,
Fred
On Feb 6, 2020, at 7:39 PM, < > wrote:
Fred,
(before you hear it from the gossip network)
The fan pick up, it came to this….
The garbage man came in the morning. He picked up the garbage. Apparently when he dumped the garbage container some nails or screws spilled onto the parking lot.
A fan sales colleague (now ex) from a long time ago stopped in today. He was making calls with his new region manager. This old colleague looked in real bad shape, drinking, I was uncomfortable just to be around him. His new boss was wide eyed bushy tailed and the drunk’s junior by at least 20 years.
The boss was obviously embarrassed by his drunk salesmen. I can’t even guess why they choose to visit in thin this condition. The boss kept saving him in conversation, it was bad. Being uncomfortable with the situation I sent the odd couple packing pretty quick.
We have a uniform service that changes the floor mats. They kind of irritate me. Their truck was in the parking lot by the dumpster.
Now, you may know this, we have a touchy feely guy in the shop…..he is usually no problem and guys like him. But today things went way too far and he grabbed a fabricators junk during break. Like a meaty grab. This did not go over so well. It was either the grab or the crummy weather, I don’t know which, but it caused a fight between the two. I mean a knock down drag out situation.
As you can imagine this fight caused a commotion and drew a crowd. Shop guy had touchy feely guy by the throat.
The uniform guy, being close to the break area, wanted nothing to do with this mess. He shot out of there……and picked up a nail in the side of a tire, we think.
Not far away from the shop the uniform truck’s tire blew out in grand fashion, on our street right before the stop sign. The blowout caused the truck to pull hard to the left and stopped immediately in the middle of the street.
This was all happening at the same time.
I don’t know why, but the drunk was driving his boss when they left our office, right behind the uniform truck btw. I could see out my window the sales guys were fighting and screaming at one another.
The sales duo’s auto side swiped the stopped uniform truck, careened off the side and shot past the stop sign into traffic on Virginia road. Infuriated…and...Swerving to avoid cars the drunk drove off road by our other building. The car plowed into the east end of our building right where the overhead door meets the wall. He was going real fast for conditions.
The impact could be felt in the office, the whole block more accurately. The collision with the building broke a good sized (like 3” or 4”) natural gas line just inside the wall under the large make-up air heater. The make-up air unit sucked in the gas into the inlet and flames shot out of the unit like a massive ball of fire or blow torch…… right at Rodney.
You remember Rodney, he’s got that mullet and wears tight pants. I find it difficult to look at him most times. Anyway..... apparently he is quick on his feet. Rodney did get out of the way in the nick of time. Your (Mini mill) fan did not get out of the way. The shop caught on fire. It was massive. Everything destroyed. You must have heard it on the news.
The only one hurt was Walley when he tripped on a pillow. Thank goodness
Sorry.
This was a tail for your entertainment. We have the fan no problems. The parts are 75% complete, we will not be done this week, parts will be next week.
Sincerely,
https://redd.it/131c05u
@r_funnystories
squishmallow.”
The $20 was well worth the look of shock on Carrie’s face and I hope whoever has that squishmallow is loving it.
https://redd.it/12zqk4k
@r_funnystories
Let’s write a book
So let’s tell a story only using a comment section. And let’s see how the story begins and ends!
https://redd.it/13i9luz
@r_funnystories
Who Watches the Watchmen?
When I was in high school I worked at a small town movie theatre. We were allowed unlimited popcorn and pop, and to enhance our privilege we would sometimes stand in front of the snack bar camera in such a way that one co-worker would be washing dishes to obstruct the view while another stealthily poured nacho cheese into a cup. On top of this we were also entitled to a free movie + guest once a week and advanced screenings to the best new releases. It was a great place for a kid to work. One of my only complaints came one afternoon when the owner made me power wash seagull shit off of the roof and I ruined a good pair of Circa shoes. That was until the most embarrassing shift I ever worked.
The Dark Knight had just come out, so to celebrate and promote its release the owner encouraged staff to dress up as superheroes. Most chose obvious picks like Spiderman, Superman, Cat Woman, and Wonder Woman, but not me, because I had recently read Watchmen for the first time in my life and saw an opportunity to dress up as the most bad ass masked vigilante I had ever seen -- Rorschach. I managed to borrow a beige trench coat from one of my friends, obtain white pantyhose from my Grandma that I drew inkblots all over to use as a mask, an antiquated pair of wide-toe dress shoes from my Grandpa, and my trustworthy fedora that was unfortunately a staple of my high school wardrobe.
I looked incredible.
One of my jock co-workers had dressed up as Wolverine, and when he saw my outfit he asked who I was supposed to be. "Rorschach, from Watchmen" I answered.
"That's not a real superhero!"
"You're right, he's a masked vigilante"
There was no time to hear out my correction, as he had already turned towards Cat Woman and Wonder Woman to crack jokes while he flexed his muscle suit. I moved on and took my post at the front of the theatre to validate tickets as people came in. Everyone was uncomfortable. I saw my reflection in the glass and wondered why nobody thought my outfit looked great.
Then the inevitable happened.
A little boy screamed when he saw my costume and started crying. I was moved from my post at the front and told to stand at the top of the ramp to guide people into the theatres. Wolverine was moved to the host position (a much more presentable image for our small town brand). It would have been a sound strategy had my manager possessed the foresight to know that same kid would find his way up the ramp after his family had bought snacks. "He's following me!" the kid screamed as his family turned the ramp. "What's wrong with you?" his parents asked as they walked their crying son into the theatre. I was asked to take the mask off and spent the rest of the night performing my duties in a beige trench coat and fedora. Many people continued to ask me who I was supposed to be, and most of them didn't believe it was a real thing.
One year later Watchmen would come to movie theatres everywhere and people across the globe would be introduced to Rorschach for the first time. I was never vindicated for that fateful night, but sometimes I like to think that kid went to the opening that following year and screamed "He's still following me!" when my muse popped onto the screen.
https://redd.it/13hfxy5
@r_funnystories
You want to rob me, yeah?
So there was me, a small and shy female walking alone at night in a big city. Walking fast. All buildings with fences and long walls. Then two suspicious characters approached walking towards me. They assessed me up and down, exchanged looks, one looked behind his shoulder to see if it was all clear and lightly nodded his head for the other to see.
I thought: I'm toast. I couldn't run on the shoes I had and couldn't stop to do it anyway. My brain was racing. I could scream, but they would rob me, run, and when the police came, too late. That was before cameras became ubiquitous.
So what I did was what any sane person would do: started a big fight with the lamppost and a dove. Screamed and kicked that the lamppost was FOLLOWING ME, that it was a remote control, that it wasn't there the day before, that I was the daughter of a media mogul, then started to slap and kick the lamppost calling it a spy, a thief, then I turned to the dove and called it ungrateful, indecent, disgusting, flying rat, should be eaten and dismembered by vultures OH YEAH and I could eat it alive as well OH YEAH.
The guys crossed behind my back completely horrified, avoiding me and walking towards safety!
https://redd.it/13f2ghd
@r_funnystories
Worst Toga Party, Ever.
Needles freak me out. So, when the time came to schedule a vasectomy - I procrastinated… for 4 years. Having sex with live ammunition is a great way to have a baby, turns out; so when my wife inevitably became pregnant with our 5th, I forced myself to schedule the consultation.
The pre-op consult was not comforting. I begged to be put under, the doctor declined saying that they just didn’t have the facilities in Monroe, and that the surgery took only around 20 minutes; not enough time to warrant general anesthesia. He had me drop my drawers and did his initial inspection of my weapons system… I attempted levity by saying “Aren’t you going to buy me a drink first?”
“Ha.” He said, flatly - clearly not amused. I think he’d heard that one before.
We scheduled my procedure for the following Friday and he wrote me a script for 3 Valium and 2 Hydrocodone an hour before the procedure. Then he handed me the literature and said I should acquaint myself with the details of the procedure before Friday, and call him by Thursday if I changed my mind.
In the “What Should I Expect During my Vasectomy” section it said “You will feel a sharp poke, followed by a deep aching pain in your testicle. Then you will feel a tug, hear a pop, and in some cases, smell burning flesh. This is normal and should not alarm you.”
It shouldn't. But it did.
I kept from psyching myself out by reflecting on what my life would be like with 6 kids instead of 5. Do you even notice when you go from 5 to 6? Maybe the better question is “Do you notice going from 5 to 6 MORE than a tug, a pop, and a burn?”
V-day came and I ate my lunch like an inmate on testicular death row. At 1:45pm I took 3 Valium and 2 Hydrocodone. By 1:55pm I was flying high.
I arrived, thanks to my wife, at the doctor’s office at 2:45pm - the inner dialogue of my head was “Oh my gosh, it’s wearing off! Is it wearing off? I feel normal. Am I supposed to feel normal? I’m supposed to be tripping balls, but I feel super anxious…”
At 2:59pm I strongly considered turning back and resigning myself to buying one of those 12 passenger Menonite vans; but then the clock struck 3 and I knew there was no turning back. I resigned myself to the coming horror and encouraged myself that it couldn't be “THAT BAD”, right?
The door opened and the nurse emerged, saying my name. To my infinite dismay, she looked at my wife and said “Amber!!! How are you!?”
…………………….
The narcotics were definitely still coursing through my body, because the conversation between the nurse and my wife, Amber, was completely lost in a haze of sound and spinning lights. I was JUST lucid enough to realize that I was about to have a vasectomy with an attending nurse who knows my wife’s family. Beads of cold sweat began to form on my forehead and my vision began to narrow. The waiting room, and my wife, fell from view as I shambled through the door and obediently followed the sweet old lady.
Upon arrival to my small curtained staging area, the nurse told me to get undressed from the waist down and wrap a sheet around my lower body. “Oh, like a toga.” I said, dreamily. She said, “Yup! Just like a toga.”
Don’t pretend like you’re on my side, lady.
I complied and she lead me back to the operating room. It was cold, and smelled like a bandaid factory. I laid on the table and opened the sheet. No turning back now. As she covered my legs and waist with sterile towels - leaving my man-parts conspicuously exposed - she made polite conversation.
My heart sank as she flipped on an electric shaver. Nausea overwhelmed me as she told me how much she had enjoyed my wedding and how wonderful my Mother-in-law is, all while shaving my balls. I reminded myself that my future self would get a kick out of the story, and decided to just embrace it. We talked as she prepared me for surgery, and I tried to forget the nightmarish scene unfolding in that room.
The doctor arrived and the promised poking, burning, tugging, and aching proceeded just as the literature described. It was awful, and at one point, my toes
Free foot massage offer gone wrong
A massage parlor at the mall offered me a 10 min free foot massage for their soft opening to show bystanders her technique. My ticklish ass feet betrayed me, and I busted out laughing every time she touched my feet. It seemed like my laughing was infectious, everyone around started laughing with me for good 10 mins. Poor woman was trying to promote her business, and ended up surrounded by a number of laughing hyenas and a pair of ticklish feet.
https://redd.it/13a6nhp
@r_funnystories
Wife was accused of cheating on me with me
So as the title says my wife was accused of cheating on me with...me.
Years ago my wife and I worked together at a call center where the dress code was very formal. All our coworkers only saw me in dress pants nice dress shirts and a tie. Well the real me outside of work is basically a mix of redneck and biker (I grew up in a biker family and I wad a ranchhand since I was 10). Well I took some vacation time off to just relax a bit and the wife didn't. I decide to ride my Harley to work and take her to lunch. Seems sweet and innocent enough right?
Anyway I pull up and she sees me on my Harley runs over gives me a kiss hops on the back and we go off and have a nice lunch. Drop her back off to work all is right in the world. Couple days later my vacation is over and it's time for me to go back to work. I walk in and I'm getting funny looks. When my wife went to her desk and I was putting my drinks in the lunch room refrigerator 5 coworker come up to me and tell me they have something serious I need to know. I knew these 5 people and I refer to them as the gossip group. They all told me my wife is cheating on me with some tattooed biker guy.
Immediately I was like oh boy here we go. The show me pictures of my wife kissing...ME. I start laughing my ass off. They start asking me if I knew or if we were swinger or are we poly. They wanted answers. I pulled out my phone and showed them a picture of my Harley and I asked is this the bike? They all said yes! I showed them a pic of what I normally wear black tanktop, bandana pulled low over my eyebrows etc. They all started asking if I knew him or what. I have a very easily identifiable tattoo on my chest and my right arm at the time had a full Japanese half sleeve. I slid up my sleeve and showed them the tattoo. All of them went wide eyed like deer in headlights and scurried off without a word.
They were worried I would be pissed but honestly I found it hilarious and told my wife who also thought it was hilarious.
https://redd.it/139s8a2
@r_funnystories
The lady with purple hair
With such a big, happy personality, Miss Purple comes in maybe a couple of times per week usually with a funny story to tell me. On the days that she doesn't and is perhaps a bit stressed out or tired, she still manages a roaring laugh because when we are around each other we seem to feed on one another's humour.
Last week was perhaps my favourite visit from her. She came in looking a little different compared to other days. Normally, Miss Purple wears eccentric outfits which are mostly black yet with touches of bright colours, sequence or glitter. On this day however she wore black tracksuit pants and a tshirt with a print on it that represented a band. The most intriguing detail of her outfit was the slippers she was wearing. I thought to myself 'there is surely a story behind this,' and I was not disappointed.
Her morning had started quite abruptly with a neighbour calling out to her from outside to help with rescuing an injured baby bird. She threw on the first clothes she could grab and ran outside. The baby bird had been attacked by something, maybe a dog or a cat but it was still alive.
While Miss Purple was tending to the baby bird, the bird's mother started swooping at Miss Purple to warn her away from the baby.
Miss Purple was able to secure the baby bird safely and call a taxi to get to the vet.
Once they arrived, they realised the vet wasn't open yet so Miss Purple would have to wait for them to open.
Once this ordeal was over, Miss Purple needed to do some shopping before going home. On her arrival to the supermarket, she notice an elderly man fall over in the carpark, so she raced over to try and help him.
Miss Purple was not strong enough to help the man up however a good looking young man made his way over to help out. When explaining this to me, Miss Purple called this man "A Hunk". As she told me, she started to laugh and said "I am basically still in pyjamas! If I'd have know I would be so close to such a Hunk I would have gotten dressed!"
As the young man was helping the elderly gentleman up, Miss Purple noticed the taxi driver from earlier who took her to the vet was just metres away! He must have thought she was having the craziest day.
After the elderly man was helped out, Miss Purple came into my store and said "well I wasn't planning on having a drink today but I think I've changed my mind!"
I helped her choose something special and praised her on being such a good Samaritan and told her that even if she ended up at the supermarket in her pyjamas that she should hold her head up high as she walks out with a large bottle of spirits! She laughed and made me laugh until there were tears in my eyes. I love serving Miss Purple!
https://redd.it/136bsw9
@r_funnystories
What's to most bizarre/funny story you have experienced?
https://redd.it/135fhmw
@r_funnystories
Lady asks for a green plant with leaves.
So a bit of context my mum owns a plant shop, and one day this young lady, probably in her late twenties, walks into the store. She walks up to the counter and goes, “Hi, I’m looking for a plant.” I’m at the counter and I say, “Well you came to right place.” Then I ask what type of plant she wants and other things like will it be in a bright area? Are you looking for a succulent? How large do you want it? And she responds with… well here’s the interaction,
Lady “Oh I want a green plant.”
Me “…”
Lady “with leaves”
Me “Um, sure?” (Gestures to the whole plant shop)
Lady “No like a green plant, you know.”
Me “Unfortunately I don’t quite understand, you can walk around and look for one that catches your eye.”
Anyway so she ends up finding a plant and leaving, as soon as she leaves I just die laughing, like a GREEN PLANT XD
https://redd.it/133muh6
@r_funnystories
My papaw, a gallon of water & the unsuspecting insurance agent.
My papaw dropped out of school in the 6th grade, he may not have been book smart but ohh was he street smart. One day my dad stopped by my mamaw & papaws house after work. Upon opening the door his first glance was watching my papaw standing in the living room wearing a robe, pouring an entire gallon on water on the hardwood floor while smoking a cigarette like it was normal. Like he was just outside enjoying nature & watering his flowers or something. He yells "dad what are you doing"? This catches my mamaws attention she stops cooking peeps around the corner & yells "Leroy are you out of your mind?" To which he replies I know what I'm doing. He tells them to leave the water & walks away. Next day he does the same thing. Later that week my dad gets off work & stops back by, this time he finds a man in a suit with a clipboard & ink pen examining the floor "yes you're right there is definitely water damage" the insurance man states. My dads mind was blown. Like of course there is water damage. He's been pouring it there all week but he didnt say that out loud. The following week my mamaw & papaw got a free new roof put on. It had a little cosmetic damage on the outside but there was no actual water damage so insurance wouldn't Pay. My papaw bragged for years he got a free roof & only had to pay $2.60 which was the cost of the gallon jug. 😅😅
https://redd.it/1332w1u
@r_funnystories
I have hit my brother multiple times with my car. Re-upload
I(33F) have hit my youngest brother (m28) with a car on five different occasions and bribed him to keep quiet.
2004 The first time. I was fifteen and he was ten. Our parents were often busy due to their work.
One day mom handed me the keys to the car to bring my brother back home from our grandparents farm three miles down the road. Being a very eager fifteen year old with a driver's permit I was excited to prove I was responsible. So excited I called my then boyfriend while driving.
Long story short. I hit my brother Jack with the car going about fifteen miles an hour.
I made sure he was okay. I apologized and comforted him. He was still crying but I couldn't let it slip so I bribed with ice cream and told if he told on me that would in fact make him a homosexual and couldn't have ice cream because homosexual men are alway on diets. (2004 in south. I know it's wrong now. I'm not homophobic)
So I bribed him with ice cream from the corner store. I used my first paycheck from a snack shack I worked at during the summer to buy enough for all my siblings (5 of us in total.) My parents thought it was very sweet of me and told me I was a good and loving sister.
2011 Second time.
Returning home after finishing my time in the airforce to introduced my husband then boyfriend to my family. I was in town going about twenty miles an hour. Then I turned the corner without looking and bam!
"Oh crap! You just hit an emo kid!"- My husband
Jack rolls on and off my hood and onto the cross walk. My husband and I jump out. Jack gets up. Wipes himself off looks at me, looks at my husband and before we can say anything. He Offers a handshake to my husband and introduces himself with a smile.
I cooked his favore meals every night that week to keep them quiet. As my parents have said. I am a sweet and loving sister.
2012 Number three!
Getting used to a brand new car and backing out of my apartment parking space. Jack was bringing groceries our dad picked up from the farmers market. Nothing too exciting. I laughed and said to not be a "pussy-ass-baby-bitch"
I had to explain the whole thing to my neighbors. They did not like me.
2017 fourth time.
Jack was at the bar with my younger siblings celebrating his victory in a boxing match. (Like I said. He's tough.)
I was six month pregnant and exhaused. I woke up to My baby sister calling me and mumbling "We Clant bive... Can you Elp ussssss."
With my husband away taking care of his dad. I come to the rescue. I pull into the parking lot and you guessed it. Hit Jack and sending him into a the drainace ditch. Our brother, Andrew, and our baby sister, Kai, were laughing. Jack gets up and calms the onlookers and proudly proclaims we are, "Not entirely white trash just a little white trashy."
I took my siblings for McDonald's and I swear to God the ice cream machine worked!
When asked by our parents how Jack ruined his new shirt. He said he was drunk and stumbled.
2023 (Today)
The kids wanted to see their fun uncle and he agreed to baby sit for us. I saw Jack walking outside his house with head phones in, a cigarette in his mouth and on a phone call pacing and fully distracted. It was too perfectI just couldn't help my self. I slowed to six miles an hour. My husband realized something and tried to stop me but too late! Bump! My husband, sister in law (Jack's wife) and our oldest sister were not amused but Jack and I had a good laugh.
So reddit. That's it. I plan on confessing to my parents during on Jack’s birthday. I'm gonna cook his favorite. (Fried chicken, gravey and curley fries.) Our sisters are providing the ice cream.
https://redd.it/132et0v
@r_funnystories
My own fault
Helped at a charity bikini carwash last year. Anyway myself and a few other girls doing it got changed into bikinis about 15 minutes before it opened. Lovely day so got lotion on. I stupidly took heels to wear ( was only just 17) and noticed other girls had flip flops and even trainers on but too late now.
nyway as you can imagine there was lots of water on the ground as I walked across to wash a car I slipped or more to the point part of heel broke and I was falling I let out a huge scream😭, though thankfully one of the girls managed to grab me before I went flying.
After everyone knew I was okay they had a good laugh with me looking rather sheepish.
The shoes were not repairable and had nothing else to wear so had to go barefooted for the day😐. Next time I won't wear heels..
https://redd.it/1326vcs
@r_funnystories
My French teacher
So I’m not going to be able to tell the whole story because it’s a really long one but basically my French teacher was annoying the shit out of my friend (we’ll call him A) and he just freaks out and starts yelling at her, skip a few days and we find out the French teacher told the principal that he beat the shit out of her and had to get 2 teachers to rip him off of her (which obviously didn’t happen) so now if he gets in trouble at all for any reason there is a decently high chance he might get a suspension, and to add on top of that our grade trip is coming up soooooo
https://redd.it/131eveg
@r_funnystories
My friend snuck her 8th grade sister into our senior prom
My old BSF's sister is very tall, and people mistake her for someone in highschool very often. Our senior prom was coming up, and BSF was fighting with her boyfriend. The fight ended in a break up and him losing his prom ticket. Her sister, who was in 8th grade(middleschool), asked to come, but to get in the prom, you need your invitation with your name. The names are printed on there.
BSF's boyfriend's name was 'Alejandro', so with an ink pen, she turned the 'o' into an 'a' to make it sound feminine. The three of us rode there together, and we were all holding our breath as they looked at the invitation.
They let us in! 🤣 But the principal eyed the sister for a moment, so he was definitely suspicious.
https://redd.it/1315vue
@r_funnystories
Entitled little sister wanted a squishmallow, so I gave her a life lesson instead
I, female, am quite a bit older than my little sister. My parents had me young and worked really hard to make things work. Because of their age I was mostly grown by the time that they were financially comfortable. I grew up in small apartments with thrifted clothes and small, but meaningful holidays and birthdays. None of this bothered me and I look up to my parents for putting in the work to make parenthood work as kids themselves and managing to stay together.
When they had my sister they went a little overboard on spoiling her. I understand their excitement at being able to provide the new and the best for their second child; I don’t hold any grudges. I’m glad that my baby sister can have the things that I couldn’t because I love her and want that for her.
That said… all of this spoiling has lead to my little sister to often times act like a giant BRAT.
This was one of those times.
I had a day off from work and my parents asked if I could watch my sister for them. I agreed and decided to take my sister, who we will call Carrie going forward, out on some errands with me before going to the park.
I needed a few non perishables from the local grocery store so that was our first stop.
Carrie was a little whiny here and there, eager to get to the park, but ultimately nothing out of the normal for a bored kid.
Then the checkout line happened.
At this store, like most, there are temptations at the check out line displayed in ways to catch your eye. One of these displays happened to be full if squishmallows.
For those not familiar, squishmallows are pretty much what they sound like. They’re brightly colored, round, super squishy, and soft, stuffed animals with silly names and back stories. And they are very, very popular.
Of course Carrie asked for one.
I’m on a budget and while my parents were paying for my gas and a meal for watching my sister, I didn’t have an extra $20 to drop on a toy that would be forgotten under her bed in a week.
I told Carrie no, not today, and proceeded to attempt to check out.
This is when the tantrum to end all tantrums happened.
Her eyes welled up and her lip trembled, and then her mouth opened in a wail to make any dementor nervous.
“I WANT IT AND IM GETTING IT! BUY IT FOR ME NOW!”
I firmly repeated my no and went about bagging my items.
Carrie sits on the floor still screaming about the squishmallow at top volume. She’s pounding her fists and kicking her legs and making a huge scene.
“I HATE YOU. I WANT IT. IM GETTING IT YOU BIG JERK NO MATTER WHAT AND IF YOU DONT IM TELLING MOMMY AND DADDY THAT YOU ARE MEAN TO ME!”
Carrie grabs a squidhmallow and then attempts to run out of the store with it.
At this point I’ve had enough.
I grab Carrie, finish bagging my items and….
Scan the squishmallow.
Carrie is shocked and surprised, but her tantrum stops and I get us out the door.
This is where the petty revenge comes into play.
On the outside I’m calm, but inside I’m fuming. Not only am I shocked at her behavior and absolutely disappointed that my baby sister is so selfish, but I’m embarrassed that the whole store got to witness my sister acting like a grade A Veruca Salt.
I get her in the car and in her booster seat, and she’s chattering away excitedly about how she can’t wait to show off her new squishmallow to her friends.
Meanwhile, I put the groceries, including the squishmallow, in the passenger seat.
I start the car, pull out of the parking spot, and go around the parking lot and stop in front of some large bins.
See, many stores in my area have donations bins in the parking lot so you can drop items off into them to be collected.
My sister asks why we stopped and why we’re not going to the park.
I say nothing as I roll down the windows, grab the squishmallow, hope out, and stare my little sister right in the eyes as I send the squishmallow sailing down the chute into the donation bin.
“There. Now a little boy or girl who DESERVES IT can enjoy the