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Story to tickle your belly @reddit2telegram @r_channels JEET is the administrator
I had to pee in my kitchen sink!
Hi! I’m new to Reddit! I’m hearing so many crazy stories on here so I thought I would start off with this funny one :)
Im 31 female! This happened back in early 2022. My mother-in-law was living with my then fiancé (now husband) and I. Well he and I usually get up between 6:30-7:15 in the morning to get ready and go to work. My MIL is an early riser and usually wakes up between 5-6 a.m. and sometimes takes a shower before we wake up (we only have one bathroom). Well one morning around 5:30ish I wake up needing to pee pretty bad. When I sit up I can hear that the shower is on (it’s right next to our bedroom but does not directly connect). I internally wept as to not wake my partner, but it’s not great, I really had to go. So I stood up thinking maybe it might help, but it doesn’t. I eventually wander from our room to the living room , wondering if maybe I should just knock on the door and ask if I can pee while she’s in the shower? But I’m such an awkward person who overthinks. For a few more minutes I’m walking around my my living room contemplating if I should just knock on the door…when the pain kicks in. I look around thinking about what to do, when I suddenly look over at our kitchen sink. Now I’m stuck facing another dilemma; do I pee in the kitchen sink? Could I get away with it without getting caught? I have a whole bunch of nightlights all over the living area including the kitchen, so it would be easy to see me. I mean let’s face it, the moment I’m vulnerable is the moment she’ll walk out of the restroom and see me as she turns the corner of our super small hallway! Our layout is open floor so it’s a straight visual shot from the hallway to the kitchen (and the sink)!!! The pain is only getting worse at this point and the longer I wait the more likely I am to get caught, and I have no idea how long she’s already been in the shower. Eventually the pain wins and forces me to make a decision. I’m going to have to pee in my kitchen sink! So I briskly walk over to the sink and peer inside to make sure there weren’t any dishes (of course there isn’t because my MIL is amazing and always made sure the dishes were done). So I slide off my undies and hoisted myself over the sink and quickly begin to relieve myself. Luckily we have a spray hose so I used that to clean myself and a paper towel to gently dry. I hopped off, tossed the paper towel, washed my hands, and dashed for the bed room. OMG I just got away with peeing in my kitchen sink! That very thought circulated though my head as I snickered to myself. Once I was in the safety of our room I slipped under the covers, still trying to get over what I had just done. Which once I thought about it, was pretty funny. Being impatient I reached over to wake my fiancé to tell him the story…but his side was empty. I pulled my hand back as the gravity of the situation settled upon me. I started to laugh realizing that the last 10 minutes of my life actually happened. I just peed in my kitchen sink for no damn reason! Shorty after my discovery he walks in and I tell him everything, which of course he laughs at me too. I asked him why he was up so early? It turns out our boss had asked him to come in early to help with something. So yeah this is a thing that has happened to me now.
https://redd.it/158x88x
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Neo from the matrix getting roasted
NEOS AMAZING DAY!!!
By Jay.Brown
My names Jay, & its Just another boring old day in beautiful SYD.CTY! I’ll fill you in on how i seen neos ego destroyed.
Earlier, I was on foot sprinting after & Chasing Agent Smith. I eventually caught him & he gave me a set of keys for Manhattan Matrix doors, Then….” I challenged Morpheus to a game of Chess, which i won easily… neo was laughing at morpheous when morpheous angrily challenged neo to a game… and said
“The Winner gets a free punch on the chin of the other. “
Just so happened to be neos day, he was Schooling Morpheus in front of about 30 people including 10 beautiful females, in the game it looked like Neo GAVE him a piece to even it up, but that made him even angrier!… so much that neo had to apologise so Morpheus would take it easy and stop calling neo “a fucking fake cunt, soft cock little white pussy … 👹🤬 ur a sly cock sucking Faggot Neo!!!…. U know i lknow right?“
I laughed nervously to ease the tension but he just continued at neo & said
“Ye giggle awayy u nigga cokk suking two bit bitch! Ur lucky i dont jump across this chess board & fold ur fkn chest in in front of these ugly bitchz so they can see u heave afta i wind 💨 u n make u cryy u fkn weak bitch!”
To be continued…
https://redd.it/155sqba
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Today a guy pooped in my restaurant.
Guys I shit you not, pun intended a man took the smoothest Ninja shit ever at my job today. It was the lunch rush and we were pretty busy, I was at the computer putting in an order and talking to my coworker when out of nowhere I catch a whiff of poo.
I look over by the bar and see the biggest, wettest, angriest pile of shit I've ever seen in my life and trust me I've seen some shit. This thing looked like it might have a heartbeat. The smell was so bad my eyes started watering. What's worse is there was a trail from the bar to the bathroom.
I got some bussers and my Manger and they cleaned it. The funniest thing is when they were done we found fresh poo on the other side of the restaurant. We were all freaking out because obviously in the middle of our lunch shift the entire floor seemed to be sprouting human feces seemingly from thin fucking air.
We had quite a few customers leave and i mean i cant really blame them i wouldnt want to dine in a porta john. No judgement if thats your thing. We checked the cameras after the shift and found the culprit, albeit his face is rather blurred.
The suspect is a white male in his mid to late 60s. He entered through the front by the host stand with a pronounced limp and proceeded to shake his leg on his way to the bathroom. He then proceeds to carpet bomb innocent civilians with reckless abandon. No care or thought into the collateral damage left behind.
All jokes aside this man didn't even break stride as he dropped his deuce out of his pants. Then as we were all cleaning up he leaves the bathroom and walks out the side door of the patio WE NEVER FUCKING SAW HIM!.
So be advised there is a DooDoo Bandit on the loose dropping butt chocolate on unsuspecting diners. Be vigilant Reddit. God speed and Good luck.
Update - I work tonight I will try to get the video and post it.
Update 2.0 - Guys I tried to get the video but my manager nixed the idea. I even explained it's for you guys. The masses need to help us identify the DooDoo Bandit. She is having none of it. I gave it my most valiant effort my friends. May your buttcheeks always find the safe harbor of a porcelain throne and may your pinched loaves never know the cold touch of a restaurant floor but always be cradled by the sweet embrace of cold toilet water. Love you guys.
https://redd.it/155d320
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Prison Story
I work at a prison as a nurse and have seen a few things. One of the funniest was responding to a violent altercation on the yard. The victim got beat up a little and poked a few times. The wounds were very minor like barely deeper than an abrasion and had stopped bleeding in the less than 5 minutes it took to get him to the infirmary. The victim appeared to be a hardened gang banger. Tattoos on top of tattoos and several scars. I am taking his vitals and he looks at me and seriously asks, am I going to make it? With every single shred of tact I posses, I say to him, do you see me worried? He shakes his head and visibly relaxed. I turn around and almost lose it laughing. Yes I'm a bad person.
https://redd.it/1545inh
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When I was 18 I started uni and flat shared with a 17 year old.
She wasn’t from the uk so when she moved at 7 her school passed P2 paperwork, the school assumed it was year 2 so put her in year 3 when she should have been going into year 1 (different start ages) not checking the birthdate was for the right year…
Anyway nobody noticed till the big 13th birthday when her parents realised and didn’t notify the school till the start of year 11,They mutually agreed her grades were above average for a year 11 starter and agreed to let her stay in year 11 (they went to court and everything)
She would say “that’s why I’m not at Oxford” 🙄 but other than that she was cool.
Last I heard she was graduating so it all worked out!
https://redd.it/152bckg
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The Mio Incedent
it was a hot day in late august when I had gotten my period, I asked my aide if it was okay if I could go, she said yes and went with me (I was quite the trouble maker, so she had to make sure I was actually going there)
I had got into the stall and changed my pad, (she probably could hear me changing it) she waiting outside the bathroom for me. I was also thirsty so I filled my water bottle and added black cherry Mio in it. I walked out of the bathroom and she saw the red spot on my hand, I noticed and licked it off. She then got a disgusted look on her face, she probably thought it was blood.
https://redd.it/150j6p4
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Funny Story
Me 16 yr old(F) am on road trip to an Amusement Park with my 12 yr old Brother(M) my 36 yr old mom(F). We went to pick up my Aunt 63 yr old(F) my aunt is blind on the right side That will come later in the story when we picked her up my second cousin(F) called my aunt and asked if could pick her up. As soon as we got there, she jumped in the car. The drive there was something. My brother was being mean and telling her that he was going to cut her leg. He slowly stopped because I put my leg up to almost kicking him. We got to the Amusement Park, and my aunt is blind. My mom forgot and told everyone to look for parking on the left and right. We are starting laughing at that. But overall, we all had a great time there since we got to wait in the exit lines.
https://redd.it/14yy6ig
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FIRE DEPARTMENT!
This happened yesterday, it was a wild roller coaster
I'm tidying up the shed when I hear a large vehicle coming up the driveway, but I didn't think much of it as my husband was due home shortly. Eventually I looked out again and because of my car in the way, I could see only the front of a large white SUV fitted with a cow pusher and lights like a police vehicle. A man gets out and books it up to my patio wearing a dirty T shirt, gym shorts, work boots and carrying a massive utility bag. At this point I have no idea what's happening but I'm slightly scared because I am home alone in the middle of the woods, all the guns are inside and there's what looks like a police vehicle in my driveway but a civilian running to my front door with an ominously large bag.
Once at the door, he beats on it once before opening it and darting inside. I heard him yelling "FIRE DEPARTMENT" so now I'm sprinting after him (my property is massive, I was pretty far away) thinking is my house was on fire and I somehow didn't notice? I was also afraid he'd panic and hurt my overly friendly russian wolfhound because unless he's commanded otherwise, any new friend who walks in the door is getting charged down for face licks. I make it to the door just as he's coming back outside, I ask what's going on and he tells me that they got a Life Alert call for my address. If you don't know what those are, it's a little device for people at high risk of needing medical help. You just press a button and it calls 911.
I'm like no, couldn't have been from here because we don't own one. As we were parting ways, I remembered that the woman who originally lived here was like 90 and moved into the adjacent property with her daughter and son in law. Her grandson works with my husband so I told him to hold on while I called my husband and told him to relay the message that if the grandma has a Life Alert, I think she just tried to call for help but the GPS got wonky. Meanwhile the other responder guy that was still in the SUV rushes next door and finds nobody home.
After probably 5 minutes of me, my husband, the grandson and the daughter making panicked phone calls back and forth, turns out grandma was out shopping while the English Bulldog was next door eating the Life Alert thing.
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https://redd.it/14ypgy7
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B N' G
This is really stupid but here we go. One time in the distant past, me and some friends went to a Carl Jr's resteraunt for some early hangover food. We got there right after they opened but there was already one guy in line in front of us. He was like a super cowboy- looking older guy with a huge mustache and canadian tuxedo. At this point in history the resteraunt had recently added biscuits and gravy to their breakfast menu. This man walked cooly up to the counter and just said "I'll take the B n' G". The cashier was a young mexican girl and she clearly had no idea what he meant by that. She said she didn't understand and he repeated somewhat louder "The B n' G". The cashier was just silent. He barked again "B N' G"! This seriously went on for an eternity. Probably around 13 rounds of this mfer saying "B n' G" and this poor girl saying she doesn't know what the hell he wants and at no time did it occur to him to simply say "biscuits and gravy" like it says on the menu. I don't remember how the situation resolved itself but I remember the tangible cringe in the air while we all witnessed this.
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https://redd.it/14yayxx
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funny story about an amazon delivery driver /pos
So this morning my dad said he'd be stopping by after work to leave something under the mat for my mom before he goes out of town. My mom sets out an unopened box of triscuits and writes "Mark, take if you want" (they were leftover from some party, and she's GF and couldn't eat them).
She made a comment about how she was expecting an amazon package, and I jokingly said "oh you should write an offer on the triscuits for them too" (not thinking she would but also kind of daring her). So underneath my dad's name she adds "or delivery driver".
Half hour or so later she gets a notification that her packages were delivered and she goes to bring them in, lo and behold the triscuits are GONE.
I absolutely love it when people who don't even meet can still make each other's days better (they got free snacks and we laughed and laughed), it's so heartwarming.
https://redd.it/14wyv9f
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Monkey got whized
So I needed monkey whiz for a new job opportunity because they want me to pass a drug test well that’s all fine and dandy I bought the monkey whiz came home got out of my car went to open my door and noticed a wasp near my door so I had the bright idea to swat the wasp with the box of monkey whiz unbeknownst to me the box wasn’t sealed at all and I slung that bottle of whiz 30ft in the woods next to my house and now I can’t find it. Roast me or laugh with me idc I found it sooooo hilarious 😂😂
https://redd.it/14wc1ly
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My Idiot Friend
This was a few years back now. Me and my brother both worked a chef's at the time me in a hotel him in a bar not far from it, one Friday we both finished around the same the time so had arranged to meet up for a few drinks, I also invited my friend to come, I told him to meet us my brothers work At 9 on the Friday night, So friday comes I do my shift then head down to my brothers work, meet my brother and ask him if our mate has turned up yet to be told he's been and gone. My brother then tell me how his boss heard banging on the door the morning, some guy asking for my brother says he was meant to meet him, so his boss tells the guy the pubs not even open yet it 9am and Craig's not in till later. The silly fucker had only turned up 12 hours early, WTF who goes on a night out at 9am, he never turned up that night. Still rip the piss out him for it
https://redd.it/14vpx1d
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My neighbor cheated on her husband with my husband
Ok so I always leave for work at 9:00 and come back at 7:00 I do that 4 times a week I always buy peanut butter but nobody eats it my husband hates it so do my kids but every time I come back it always goes down I was confused why it went down but my husband always asks me to buy it so I do so I got suspicious so I said I worked a extra shift so I put on my work clothes and left I drove the car to my friends house she lives nearby so I didn’t mind walking to my house I snuck behind the bush then I looked through my room window I seen my neighbor coming to my house my husband opened the door then took her inside she took the peanut butter then took it to my room and she set it down and undressed then jumped on my bed my husband undressed to then started to cuddle with her they watched tv in my bedroom then I decided to confront them so I knocked on the window then ran to the door I knocked on the door so they put some clothes on my neighbor went through the window while my husband opened the door he looked at me scared so I took are wedding ring and threw it down the drain and said it’s over and packed his stuff and kicked him out he never came back and I married the other girls husband hopefully I can trust him
https://redd.it/14m0kal
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WEDGIE FROM HELL PART ON SLIT
Wedgie From Hell
SLIT PART ONE
Little Jimmy use to bully so many people in middle school all the way up to high school. He would dunk their heads in toilets, give them hard-core wedgies, and verbally abuse them. Now Jimmy is in adulthood and still a huge fat bully. Welcome to SLIT PART ONE.
Flashing lights opening scene to Jimmy hanging by his underwear
Jimmy woke up hanging by his underwear in wedgy position, a clown pops up on the TV and says “hello Jimmy you’ve been bullying people for your entire life and giving them horrible wedgies, now it is your time to suffer. You will have five minutes to rip the underwear with your ass cheeks until you are let free.” Jimmy screams “Do you know who my father is???”
Cut scene to Jimmy’s face while he’s crying like a little bitch that he is
The TV shuts off, and Jimmy is just uncontrollably crying while hanging by his underwear, he has this idea to jump up and down until his underwear rips in between his ass cheeks BUT the elastic is too strong!!!Jimmy has just jumped and jumped and jumped and his butt hole is ripping and ripping and ripping. Jimmy continues to jump and try to rip the elastic from his underwear, but he did not succeed. Jimmy died from uncontrollable bleeding from his anus.
The end. stay tuned for part two of SLIT
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disinfected twice I guess.
All in all, a ten minute task somehow took me half an hour and it was the worst in my life. Drink was great, dog shit, not so much
https://redd.it/14rkdzi
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The guy i killed in Fortnite burned my house.
Me, 23 and my wife (same age) got a kid this year. Her name is Lucy and she stays mostly home alone because i go to game center everyday and my wife goes to work. A few weeks ago i was playing normal fortnite match when I got sniped in head and had 2 HP remaining. I quickly ran downstairs to heal myself. I was waiting for the guy that shooted me to show up when I was waiting. I did not had to wait long because the guy showed right after I started camping (he was probably thinking I died and he came for my loot) I packed him with shotgun few times and got his loot. I needed to turn off the volume because he sweared so much and said he will come and find me. I was sure he was Just mad. I got hungry so I came to subway to get a sandwich. When I came back to game center i saw someone fighting 1v1 the guy i killed before. I asked if I could finish him. The guy playing said to go ahead. (By the way the nick of guy that i killed before was ,,Cheesybooks67") I started camping and got almost instant win. Then i said something to the MIC so he would know that it was me. When I came home I saw it set on flames by guy in black clothes.
https://redd.it/155zfl1
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"Wait, that was 'shouting'?"
This just popped back into my memory.
As of a few sessions now, I am a member of a D&D party.
During my second or so session, at a certain moment, I kept interuppting one of the party members. I don't remember why or what the context was exactly, but the point is: eventually, he 'snapped' at me with something along the lines of "Shut up!", slightly raising his voice.
Now, before I continue, I need to provide background information about me. I was raised by a mother with a loud voice, who raises her voice, not only when she's mad, but also if she wants something (e.g. instructions, annoyences, etc.) to be clear. So I'm used to "shouting" and have basically been raised to just listen to whatever is shouted.
So, with that internalized, I just simply... shut up. Unfazed, unbothered by my D&D buddy raising his voice at me. In fact, I thought he was right: I should shut up.
But a few minutes later, he apologized to me for "shouting at me". And I, surprized, was like: "Bro, that wasn't shouting. My mom does way worse when she's not even mad! I can handle some 'shouting'! And you had every right to 'shout' at me!" (Paraphrased, as I said: don't renember the exact convo, but this is basically what I said)
https://redd.it/155gwnk
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Guy with two caps
In early July, i was on a trip to Stockholm in Sweden with my uncle and my grandma. After we ate at a restaurant, we were gonna go to my uncles apartment (Where we were sleeping for the trip) when a random man with two caps walks up to my uncle and says:”I swear, this guy is the most handsome man in Sweden” he gives my uncle a fistbump and walks off. But then he stops and does some sick tricks (He like rolled the cap up his arm and then flipped it onto his head) and then did a dance move that looked like the macarena but with extra steps.
https://redd.it/15450t2
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Me and my friend went for a ride on some snowy country roads.
I used to live in the backcountry of Maine. My town was surrounded by endless miles of plains and dirt roads. After school one day my friend and I decided to take his truck out and drink a few beers and ride around. It was the dead of winter, and there was about three feet of snow on the ground.
We got some beer and drove off into the snowy plains, carefully following the plowed dirt roads. These roads were very narrow, and only had room for one vehicle. On the sides of the road were snowbanks standing four feet tall, but the truck was lifted and easy to maneuver through just about anything.
About a half hour in, we are in the middle of NOWHERE. Music is loud, beer is cold, drifting around corners. Suddenly he turns down the radio and says, “Gotta piss, stop the truck.”
I stop the truck in the middle of the road, and he jumps out of the passengers side. The truck is lifted so I just see his head disappear around the back of the truck bed. I’m finishing my beer when I see snow being kicked up in the distance by a vehicle coming at us. It gets closer, and he’s still behind the truck somewhere peeing but I can’t see him.
I roll down the passenger window and yell, “Dude, there’s a vehicle coming. I gotta pull up sideways onto the bank so they can squeeze through!”
I don’t hear any response at first, and I look up to see a minivan with a young woman driving directly facing the truck on this one lane road. I put it in drive, and pull up sideways onto the snowbank with the truck sitting at a 45 degree angle. The moment I do this, I hear my friend make an awful yell and start swearing. I laugh, knowing he probably just thinks I’m driving off without him.
The woman in the van slowly drives by my window smiling and waving. Her two kids have the back windows down and are staring in fascination at the big truck parked nearly sideways. I wave at them and rev the engine a little. As they are almost completely past me, I notice the entire family’s eyes directed behind my truck, and their expressions are pure disgust and terror. The van speeds off and my friend hops into the truck, completely red faced.
I can only assume what happened so, laughing, I ask, “Did that whole family just see you peeing?”
He looks at me stone faced and says,
“No. I was leaned against the back tire taking a shit and when you pulled forward you tore my ass up, flung shit everywhere, and I fell backwards with my pants down in front of that van.”
https://redd.it/153n1uy
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Random breath test conversation
So i was driving one weeknight and i noticed a police car tailing me for a few blocks. They finally decided to put their sirens on and pull me over, and proceeded to get out of their car and walk up to my window.
Then the standard “have you been drinking tonight” conversation ensued. Mind you my driving was impeccable so i think they were just bored. I said no and that i’d just come back from some grocery shopping, and also that i didn’t drink on Monday nights. They weren’t convinced and decided to do a breath test.
The officer went to get the breathalyser out and then said “say something for 10 seconds”. Noting their request, I then proceeded to say “how’s your day been going officer?” The officer seemed both surprised and frazzled and replied “are you messing with me?”
And i said “what do you mean sir, you told me to say something for 10 seconds”
To be fair though i probably only said something for 5 seconds and not 10
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Channel: True Potential @truepotential7375 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEl2oCbwGRw
https://redd.it/14zfi1c
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Never underestimate a nice cup of water.
I (14m) was having instant ramen for dinner like 20 minutes ago, and felt that weird but familiar pressure we feel when nature calls. I headed to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet. While watching tiktoks, I noticed I was struggling to empty the deposit, so I tried pushing harder, but all that was coming out were tiny pieces. I was about to give up when I thought: "How about I drink some water to help me out?" I rapidly grabbed the plastic cup on the sink in front of me and filled it, but I couldn't take too much time filling it. I managed to collect enough, nontheless.
The first sip didn't work, but the second helped me get some of the waste out. I sipped some more and I was halfway there, but felt incredibly relieved. I drank what was left and the remaining contents came out.
I wiped, flushed and washed my hands before going back to my room to write this.
I know this isn't meant to be funny, but I just wanted to share it and help out other people.
https://redd.it/14ywblu
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Our cultural tone-deafness as a kid.
Im from Europe. Our country is geographicly in central-Europe, but culturaly more like balkan. In the 2000' i was in middleschool. Thats the time when me and my friends find the comedy movies about afro-americans from the "hood". We find it funy and cool they call each other like "whats up my ni*a?", "Whats up ni**er?". So we start to use this phrases to each other. We have just zero knowledge from US. culture, slavery, discrimination of black people. Because all of this was never a thing in here. Like ten or more years later as an adult i understand, how culturaly inappropriate is this.
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https://redd.it/14ydyde
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What is the dumbest thing you’ve made someone believe?
When I was in high school I had quite a few friends who ended up moving to different parts of the USA. (We live in Canada) One of my friends was in the Palm Springs area for all of junior year and came back that summer to visit. Now, Americans truly are not the brightest for knowing things that happen outside of their borders. Whist bringing up the differences in their educational systems my friend had told me that the more and more people would ask stupid questions about Canada, the more ideas she got. So, with the brilliant mind of mixing Canadian stereotypes and the gullibility of American teenagers, she told all of her friends that Canada was home to many wild penguins in the winters. The penguins were also very over populated so driving in Canada during winter, it’s inevitable that you’ll come across penguin road kill.
Now after hearing about this ruse to fool the gullible, I wanted to test it out myself. I have family friends that live in the San Fransisco area and they come back to Canada about twice a year. So, once they arrived back to the land of wild penguins, I told them the story. They have family in Canada and visit all the time so obviously they know how ridiculous this lie was. But they truly had zero faith in any of their friends back home. They started texting their friends asking if they’d ever heard about it. At first they were a little bit sceptical, but after the Canadian girl (me) talked to them. They had no chance. Majority of them thought it was crazy. The surprising part was only one person asked for evidence. So what did we do? Well, we google searched “penguins in public areas” and sent it over, and that was the kicker.
Obviously as a teenager I decided to further test my theory of Americans stupidity, so I went on Omegle. Once I found a couple of kids my age and if they were from America I started my interrogation. Sadly a lot of them still think we live in igloos, or that it’s an actual thing we all MUST do in the winter. Then I’d start with this question, “you guys don’t have the overpopulation of penguins down there right?” Immediate confusion. Usually ask what in the world you’re even talking about. And my fellow Canadians, if you ever want to do this, here’s what I always say, “Well in the winter it gets unbearably cold in the territories so a lot of their wild penguins migrate down into the bigger more urban areas. (like Calgary, Edmonton, Vancouver, Regina, etc.) Since it’s so urban though, there tends to be an overpopulation around the cities, you can find a lot of penguin roadkill around those winter months. As well as if you drive out to the farms and ranches in the countryside, you can find some penguins in the fields just doing their thing. As the winter approaches it’s end, the penguins migrate back to the territories to maintain their cold environment.” You’d be surprised how believable it can be. To be fair, they don’t know any better, I mean their school system is very American history dominate. But to any American that may be reading this, we are not kidding. There are wild penguins… or not. You’ll never know.
https://redd.it/14x3jv5
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Dementia, great grandmother flips off, everyone
so I was in Oregon, visiting one of my grandmothers, and we were on the topic of family trees, and I forget how we got there, but we got to her mother. Now I’ve never met her but given what they’ve said she was about as warm as liquid nitrogen. So with that set up, here’s what happened. This story took place before my mother who’s in her early 50s to give a time frame. So to begin both my grandmother and her sister and her mother were together I don’t know exactly why, but at one point they realized her already crazy mother, who now had dementia has disappeared. So both of them drove off in there car to try fine her well then make it about a block away and see my great grandmother on her mobility scooter, flipping off drivers as they passed and you could say they were not happy neither my relatives or the drivers and her new surprise guest the boys in blue. Well this is where my grandmother gets the whole story from the officer, who says you need to take her she’s flipping off all the drivers and pretty much anyone she came across. So my grandmother has tries to convince her to get in the car so her sister can drive her back with my grandmother and take the mobility scooter which gave you a mental image she’s a heavyset woman (like the stereotypical image of a fat person on a comically small bike) but back to the main focus of the story which was that my great grandmother would not get in the car but eventually they get her in the car after a heated argument in the middle of the road. Suffice to say they got a lock on the door immediately, and moved her into a home a little after my mother was born
https://redd.it/14wjmgb
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My nephew doesn't want a grimace shake.
My three-year-old nephew recently watched a few of the grimace shake trend videos. Afterwards, he came up to my sister today, simply shrugged his shoulders, and nonchalantly says "Well, I guess I'm not getting a grimace shake.". My sister stares and goes "...What?", and he simply responds with "I don't want to die like that." Without batting an eye.
My sister bursts out in laughter, and he continues, saying "I mean, I could punch him in the dick and beat him up, but I still don't want to die like that." which sends my sister laughing even harder. He caught her so off-guard, and her texting me about it did the same for me. A three-year-old is saying that. A three-year-old 🤣
https://redd.it/14w097g
@r_funnystories
Funny story
My mom: aw man our Shawn Mendes tickets were refunded I really wanted to see him
My dad: yeah but he didn’t want to see you
Me: dying in the corner from laughing
https://redd.it/14k87xv
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My mom admitted to eating...
So me and my family when I was a kid were watching the 2002 Scooby-Doo movie at home one evening for family movie night. And there is this scene where Scooby insults Shaggy saying his mom eats cat poop. He retaliates back saying no your mom eats cat poop. Being kids me and my siblings thought this was hilarious.
Fast forward to the end if the movie. Credits roll as I turn around with a smile and say "mom your mom eats cat poop." My mother playing along without thinking instantly points at me and says, "No your mom eats cat poop." Me and my siblings burst out laughing while my dad just gives her a shit eating grin for what she just said as my mom shakes her head commenting on how dumb it was to say that while trying not to burst out laughing.
To this day me and my siblings will joke about it. Even to this day we will occasionally ask her if she wants some cat poop to eat while the cats litterbox is being changed. We have also agreed my brother will tell the story at her funeral as a funny memory to lighten the mood and remind the world we love our mother. Funny moments and all.
https://redd.it/14lss6q
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My brothers sherlock holmes moment with our mum.
(Lets just ignore the crimes and enjoy the story.)
So my brother was going back to england for a while to get his drivers license, and lent our mother his car (ignore the crimes), with the one instruction "Don't get pissed (drunk) and fucking crash it." Because he knows our mother all too well.
Well guess what she went and did, she drove drunk (i said ignore them!) And reversed into a lamppost.
Fortunately a friend of hers was some kind of con artist whose own car was stolen from a dealership through some kind of trickery, had an idea.
They rented the same model got the insurance and swapped all of the broken parts. Then reported the rental as crashed.
So my brother comes back, takes a slow walk around the car, smiles and says "you got pissed and fucking crashed it didn't ya."
She immediately turns to me and accuses me of snitching.
My brother laughs and says "he didn't have to, my right taillight was cracked."
And we both burst out laughing. He never lent her the car again.
(For the record I don't agree with any of this especially the drunk driving and I'm currently no countact with both for completely different reasons, i was only like 13 at the time.)
https://redd.it/14q012o
@r_funnystories
Had to Clean up Dog Poop While High
So I live in Canada where recreational cannabis is legal. I work in a dispensary and XMG recently came out with a new sour apple drink that I really wanted to try because XMG makes my favourite stuff ever. It was my one day off in the week so I got up early and went to do my errands so I could have nice snacks while I was stoned.
The drink was delicious, nice and appley but I also detected a hint of grapes. Small can but that's okay. The effects started kicking in shortly and I settled in for the ride. Colours were more vibrant, my cats fur felt softer, and I was just really enjoying myself.
Unfortunately, cannabis use comes with side effects like cotton mouth and I was having that pretty hard core. It also felt like my throat was itching so naturally I wanted something carbonated to make it better. Our pops are kept in the basement, so down I go.
Once in the basement, I realize that my older dog has had diarrhea on the floor. She's twelve and sometimes has stomach problems. I'm alone in the house, stoned out of my fucking mind, and now I have to deal with this. The XMG drink is 10mg and I'm feeling them like a baseball bat to the skull. Thinking is like walking through waist high molasses but I'm determined.
Step one, I need to get the mop bucket from the barn. My shoes are on the porch, I struggle to put them on, I don't bother tying them. The walk is lovely, nice breeze and the sun is shining.
In the barn I am met with my barn cat who is very sweet, I got distracted and started petting him. Completely forgot why I was in the barn. Came to the semi logical conclusion that it must be to lock him and the dogs up so I can get the garbage can from the roadside without them following me and putting themselves in danger. I lock them up and go get the bin. Mission accomplished.
Returning to the house, I start putting water on to boil. I couldn't completely remember WHY I was boiling water, just that I was. Then I realized it was for the mop, which was still in the barn.
I put my shoes on again, still didn't tie them, And went to the barn. This time I actually got the mop
Step two, I need to gather supplies. I grab a garbage bag, many paper towels, a scented candle, and gloves I use to dye my hair.
I put on the gloves. Realize I can't put my hair up with them on. I take the gloves off.
I put the gloves back on. I go to light the candle, realize I can't with the gloves on. I take them off again.
I put the gloves on and try to open the garbage bag. Realize I can't open the bag with the gloves. I take the gloves off.
I put the gloves on and third time's the charm. I don't need to take them off again.
I bring all my things downstairs and now comes the gross part. Cleaning it up. For those who don't know, marijuana enhances the senses, so colours and smells are more vibrant. Sadly including the colours and smell of dog shit.
I'm wiping the floor with the paper towels and tossing them in the bag, trying not to puke up my lunch. I can FEEL the sliminess through my gloves and it felt like it spread to my whole body. I can barely think, I'm actively dying.
I finish wiping the floor with the paper towels. I get my gloves off for the last time like they're on fire. I tie up the bag and stumble outside to through it in the bin. I didn't bother tying my shoes. While out there, I take some heaving gasps for air to try to clear the smell of dog shit out of my system. The scented candle didn't help.
I mop the floor, that but was fun, watching the mop move across the floor, changing it's colour and all the threads moving. I mopped more than I needed to because I was enjoying it.
I asked myself why I was mopping across the room from where the shit was and realized I didn't have an anwser. I shrugged it off.
I sprayed the spot where the poop had been with disinfectant. Why? I'm honestly not sure, I found it under the sink while looking for mop soap and my stoned brain thought it would be a good thing to use. The mop soap, that I did find and use, also had disinfectant in it. So I