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Story to tickle your belly @reddit2telegram @r_channels JEET is the administrator
Really bad first experience with gf
I'm bored at work and got mentally flash-based with this memory so now everyone else gets be as well.
It was tenth grade and I had my first real girlfriend, her and I had never done anything past hug and hold hands. We decided one day after a few months of being together I should spend the night at her house.
Her mom was not comfortable with her coming to my house. So I said sure and caught the school bus with her the day of the fabled sleep over.
I was not really sure what was going to happen other then movies and snacks, probably go for a walk in the woods outside her house because she lived-in the middle of nowhere.
The first day went fine, we played games on her 360 and watched Kung fu panda before cuddling on the couch she had in the basement.
It's important to explain we had discussed screwing around before via text and phone calls, I had never done anything with anyone yet so I was excited but not expecting.
After the movie she rolled over and kissed me which just about stopped my heart, I was thrilled! She asked me to kiss her neck and so I did. She grabbed my hair and kissed me harder with tongue before stopping, giggling and telling me goodnight. I was surprised and slightly saddened but fair enough I suppose.
Now you'd think, I go to bed, have a normal sleep and wake up to a nice morning with her.
Of course not, or else I wouldn't write this.
She left the light on so the whole basement was bright, I got up, annoyed. I make my way to the light and see her standing at the top of the stairs, just a dark figure at the top of the stairs
"Did you pee yet" she asks me
I just stood there like, what the fuck do you mean thus I responded "no, I don't have to pee"
She comes all the way down the stairs and tells me to go upstairs and pee. I didn't know what to say because what the fuck was I supposed to say?!
She insisted and I went upstairs to find her mom standing there in the kitchen. And she also asks me if I pissed yet.
I said, again, "no, but I also don't have to go so it's fine"
She points to the bathroom and says "well I can't have you pissing the couch, so go to the bathroom"
Like what the hell is happening? It's fine I guess I'll go. So I go. I push as hard as I can to get the tiny bit of pee in me out.
I come out and they both just nod and say goodnight to me.
It's 9:30 at night, by the way dear reader.
So I go lay in bed and try to sleep, end up playing on the 360 for a little while before I get a text from her telling me "sorry I couldn't stay downstairs I was just scared you would try and have sex with me" which I hadn't intended on happening, I told her it was fine and I had fun regardless.
The next morning I wake up to her standing over me at seven fucking twenty AM, to her poking me with a drumbeat stick. The second my eyes are open this mother fucker hits me with
"Hey, you should go pee" like this is the most fucking normal shit ever
I just stared at her, half asleep and said no. It's okay I do not have to pee.
She looks over and her mother was standing there. At the door. Staring at me. "Go pee" she says. Sounding weirdly pissed off about it.
I get up, Go pee again. I did actually have to go but spitfully didn't want to go because this was weird as hell.
I cone out to find they had made kraft dinner well I was sleep, which is not a food I like but I wasn't going to be rude and say no. I sat down at the table still very much asleep by the way.
I eat a few bites of the macaroni. Not thrilled but persisting. When I am hit with this overwhelming sense of hate, as she smiles and blasts the god damn shit out of my KD with ketchup, making it a soup.
She looks me in the eyes and says "there. Much better." Which I assure you IT WAS NOT
Almost instantly she gets normal clothes on and tells me to do the same. I assume we're going for a walk when she hands me a shovel and says "we have to shovel the driveway" I was not super keen in doing asnit had snowed once in the past week but from the looks of it, they never shoveled once this winter.
After
funny anecdotes from my childhood.
one day when i lived in Washington after helping my mom rake leaves into a big pile i jumped into it despite her warning me about wasps, i got stung on the thumb immediately after.
when i graduated from preschool they played a song that was popular at the time which just so happened to be John Mayers "waiting on the world to change" which for those who haven't heard it is a slightly depressing song about wanting to make a change in the world but not being powerful enough to do it so your forced to watch as life continues to decline. not exactly the best song to play for kids just starting their lives.
okay a more light hearted one to end off on. in Hawaii my Mom was listening to my dads reggae mix while filming me playing in a sprinkler. after i saw my mom filming, me being the little menace i was decided to moon the camera.
PS my old mans not dead dont worry. I'm a navy kid so he was deployed a lot when i was a kid
​
https://redd.it/1b7nsll
@r_funnystories
How I met my girlfriend
Funny story about how I met my girlfriend .. when I was 21 I was a mid level weed dealer . Well one day I was selling to a friend I had 2 lbs in the car and I was drinking . Well I was rambling on being that I was drinking and he was growing impatient he said “come on man gimme my weed” I say hold up too many people around . So I put my car in reverse and all of a sudden boom ! I t boned someone in reverse . I said oh fuck I told my buddy to get all my stuff and bring it inside his apartment before cops show . He’s working on that while I get out to talk to the girl getting out of her car that I hit . I was dressed to impress that day so I could tell immediately when I seen a look of attraction in her eye . I smiled and asked her to pull up next to me so she could get out the roadway . Well as soon as she pulled out I told my buddy jump in ! And threw the car in reverse and got the hell out of there . I could hear her yelling hey hey ! I felt bad but I wasn’t going to jail ..well a month later this girl I sold to calls and asks if she can give her friend my number for some weed of course I say yes . She wants a 3.5 I tell her meet me at the gym . Well you pull up to her and it’s the same car I hit and ran on ! I give her her stuff see if she remembers but she didn’t say a word . That went on for about 3 months till we started “talking talking” well we’re getting drunk and having crazy sex every night and one night we get done all out of breath she says can I ask you something? I say sure , she asks do you remember hitting and running on me ? My jaw dropped … I didn’t know what to say but laugh . I said haha yeah why are you just now asking me? She said I was giving her such good deals she didn’t want to ruin it 😌 the rest is history wev been together ever since.
https://redd.it/1b6ipa4
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My American client recently visited India and there he asked where Porus and Alexander fought
A baseball coach who regularly buys sports items from us recently shared a funny incident. When he visited India, he thought Alexander came to India and fought with Porus. So, he asked his guide where the Battle of the Hydaspes happened. The coach was shocked to learn that Hydaspes happened near Jhelum in Pakistan Not India
https://redd.it/1b5oesh
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Bi lo bomber
Okay,i got a good one:
I used to work for bilo in 2017 and we had this customer who would literally come in our store every night to take a crap. Never bought anything that i saw. We used to name him the bilo-bomber because his anal-antics where so notorious, they should be reviewed in court. Anyway,this guy comes in and we know,its gonna be bad. It was a big store and when got done deploying his bombs we knew because the entire store would smell so bad,you could be on the other side and still smell it coming from the front where our restrooms where.
Seriously, the smells this dudes' deuches produced where a ungodly mixture of cowdung,multicultural diareas and pork fat rendering plant...The assault to our senses seemed to reunite the workers and customers alike,since facing the stench was a battle we all endured each night, followed by the many profanities echoing throughout the building,as innocent people got consumed by the stench...bilo bomber was never reprimanded for his crimes,but his legacy of olfactory rape will live on forever.
https://redd.it/1b5ae86
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Do you think this has scarred the other kids for life?
At my cousins 5th birthday party, my brother 7, told me 6, that Santa wasn’t real. I wasn’t even upset about Santa, I just couldn’t believe I’d been lied to. I was absolutely shocked to find out this was a nation wide lie. My cousin had Barney the dinosaur as entertainment, within seconds of hearing the news of Santa I looked at Barney and launched. I ripped his costume head off, screaming he’s not real! Neither is Santa, they’ve been lying to us! The kids were screaming, crying, throwing up!
That’s the day I learnt that I don’t deal well with being lied to and apparently had a lot of integrity for truth lol. A child whistleblower
https://redd.it/1b503bx
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The Misadventures of Bob
Bob woke up with a start, his alarm clock blaring like a fire siren. He stumbled out of bed, tripping over his own feet and knocking his favorite potted plant off the windowsill.
"Great start to the day," he muttered, trying to scoop up the soil before it spread all over the carpet.
After a quick shower, Bob hurried to get dressed, only to realize he had put on his shirt inside out. "Well, at least it's a fashion statement," he chuckled, shrugging it off.
On his way to work, Bob stopped at his favorite coffee shop. As he approached the counter, he accidentally knocked over a stack of cups, sending them clattering to the ground. Mortified, he quickly apologized to the barista who just laughed it off.
Finally at work, Bob settled in at his desk, determined to make the best of the day. But fate had other plans. Just as he started to type an important email, his chair suddenly collapsed beneath him, sending him crashing to the floor in a heap of limbs and office supplies.
His colleagues rushed over to help him up, stifling laughter as they did so. "Bob, are you okay?" one of them managed to choke out between giggles.
Bob couldn't help but laugh too. "Just another day in the life of Bob," he said, brushing himself off and flashing a grin. "But hey, at least it's never boring!"
And with that, Bob picked himself up, ready to face whatever other mishaps the day had in store for him. After all, life's too short not to laugh at yourself, even when you're the one causing all the chaos.
https://redd.it/1b3s3px
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My friends tried to get rid of my insecurities while im asleep
Im a 19f and i live i a dorm with my close friends for they're privacy ill just call them apple 19f cola 19m cheese 19m and cherry 18f i think im ugly and my friends always disagree i sometimes get compliments but i don't believe it or i disagree with it. My friends thinks im gorgeous but i don't believe it one night i was sleeping on the bottom bunk of the bed me and apple share on, while i was asleep heard my friends walk around the room they were whispering i peeked a little and i saw them putting candles around the bunk bed i was sleeping on, they had they're blankets wraped around them chanting "your beautiful. You should know" over and over again they all looked like they were holding they're laughter while i opened my eyes widely looking at them awkwardly, then they sang What makes you beautiful by one direction..
https://redd.it/1b23p53
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Poo and slide
Last night, my husband came frantically running into theroom carrying our six week old puppy, who was pooping while he was running. Long story long, he stepped in a turd, screaming for me to help(I was doing dishes), he slipped and fell in the poo all the way across the hardwood, holding said puppy the entire time. He hit the back door and just started screaming that there was poo everywhere and they were both covered in it. When he fell I just saw his feet in the air, and the puppy. He protected her, but dear Lord. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard.
https://redd.it/1b02hty
@r_funnystories
When I was a kid I did the magazine subscription prank
This pissed my relatives off to no end but we laugh about it now
Back in 2005 when I was 15 and my entertainment source was to mess with people, I would get those postcard sized subscription cards out of magazines, and fill them out with relatives info and check "bill me later" and send them in.
The biggest targets were my grandparents and my aunt on my mom's side, and an Uncle on my dad's side.
The idea started when I had a subscription to TV guide and I saw the insert.
So my relatives all got a TV guide in the mail, but then I started sending things really useless to them.
Grandma got Guns and Ammo.
My aunt was real thrilled when she got Playboy Magazine in the mail.
Then I'd start doing things like misspelling their names or using other names.
My Grandpa named John would get everything from Jon to Johnathan. My uncle Ralph would get magazines for Rolf and Alf.
And then I started using names of henchman from the Jim Carrey mask movie and comic series
So my relatives would get magazine subscriptions in the mail for "Sweet Eddy," and "Orlando Garcia."
I sent in a Cigar Afficianado magazine card as a gift subscription from my Aunt, to my Grandma.
My uncle would get things like "Bird Watchers Digest," and "Doll collector monthly," because yes, those are, or at least were, actual magazines.
Then I found insert cards that allowed you to check bill me later for actual goods, from companies like the doubles day book club, the Danbury Mint and the Bradford Exchange.
My grandparents got books and CDs. My aunt got a decorative plate and cheap jewelry, with the accompanying bills.
Anyway that's my story we laugh about now, I don't know if ur laughing or want to time travel and smack my 15 year old self lol, but yeah anything u want to know just ask.
https://redd.it/1azujkb
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Eat a lil azz wit it
I made a giant castle made out of my shite and I can’t stop laughing I woke up my mom and dad with the howling I’m doing
https://redd.it/1axleid
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I peed my pants at school today and my crush saw😭
Okay so basically I was in my history class which was my last class today and I had to pee like so fkn bad bc I was holding it since lunch. And I hate asking to go to the bathroom in history bc my teacher is really mean and like never lets me go to the bathroom anyway. And my crush is in my history class and he sits like right next to me and usually he's the only one I talk to in that class. But I was holding it for so fkn long and I had to go so bad but I didn't wanna ask to go to the bathroom bc I knew my teacher would say no bc class was almost over so I was just holding it.
And after a while it started hurting so I thought that I could just pee like a little bit to releve the pressure and then stop so I could hold it longer so I thought to myself I would pee for 5 seconds and then stop. So I started peeing but I had to go so fkn bad so it came out so fast and I literally flooded my chair like right away after like 1 second and my pee started dripping on the floor and everybody looked right at me 😨 it was splashing on the tiles so it was like really noticeable. And a girl behind me was like "Arianna is literally peeing" and some people were laughing at me. And so I just sat there and kept peeing lmao bc what was I gonna do at that point.
But after a little bit I just got up and the teacher told me to go to the nurse but I just ignored him and went outside and called my mom to pick me up lol. It was so fkn embarassing. Like it felt good bc I was holding it for so long but like literally everyone saw. And I wanna text my crush and say sorry for peeing next to him 😭 but idk if that's weird. Idk what to do I'm just like moritified.
https://redd.it/1awutp7
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Funny childhood story
Ok so does anyone remember the momo thing like the gost well anyway when I was younger my cousin showed me it for the first time saying she comes for children who don't behave or something like that I was so scared that I couldn't see it or I would scream out loud and make me shake with fear lol but nowadays it's still creepy af but I never hear anybody talk about it so anyone any similar stories to mine
https://redd.it/1avl4q6
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A dude has a bonkers order that I couldn't control myself from dying.
Today at Subway I come across a peculiar fellow in line. He was directly behind me, and I didn't pay much mind towards him and was going about my order. He gets to the first lady who takes the order and says he wants a footlong flatbread. Lady grabs the bread, turns around, asks what he wants on it, and dude says "flatbread". Now I thought he just wanted another sandwich and so did the employee. So she grabs another flatbread, slaps that bad boy down, and asks what he wants on his sandwich.
This sonofabitch says flatbread again. I instantly connect it together but she's lost more than a cow on the moon. At this point I'm starting to crack. She goes to grab another flatbread but is stopped by the man speaking up "No, you're not understanding. I want flatbread on my footlong flatbread". She's bamboozled, and even looks scared. She looks at me, and the moment she looks into my eyes I can see the lights are on, someones home, but they're frozen in disbelief. I couldn't handle it anymore.
I was wheezing in a Subway today. The guy was such a good sport and wasn't mad at me laughing. He got a chuckle out of it himself. I had to apologize to everyone for stopping the line. I got my sandwich went out to my car, and by the time I was pulling out the dude was sitting down and eating his flatbread flatbread footlong and the cashier was just watching him in confusion.
​
https://redd.it/1atp3ll
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The inappropriate College assignment presentation
It was maybe 2019 in college and the professor requested we do an assignment where we find advertising posters and we study them and see what the purpose and use of them was.
We were supposed to be learning about Logical Fallacies and advertising techniches and the picture that I decided to use for the project was a Burger King ad for a long burger and it is shown going towards a woman’s mouth and the positioning is very provocative.
I only picked it simply because I found it funny and described the aspect was mostly to appeal to men and mostly women. Despite the fact it’s a reference to BJs.
I did my presentation and what the professor pointed out was if there is text, look at the verbs to see what the advertisers use,
“Yearn, blow”
I randomly spouted out and added one word that was shown on the ad.
“Comes?”
And everyone just burst into laughter and we all just couldn’t stop laughing and I was done with the project.
It had to be the funniest moment in my life!
Hope you enjoyed!
https://redd.it/1atdjz5
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I want to name my cat manko
I personally think it would be cool, makes sense since it means pussy in Japanese and it sounds so cute
https://redd.it/1b8auoi
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My Brother Ran out of School because he saw a Ghost
Hello, this is my first post on Reddit this feels like the only place I can post this. Back when my middle brother (American, 16m) was a high school junior he watched tons of those scary video comps on YouTube. He's orthodox and the rest of my family is protestant. My annoying teenage self and my mom told him to stop because it was keeping him up at night. One morning his math class had a sub. He looked out the window as sleep-deprived as he was he hallucinated a ghost. He then proceeded to run out of the school to Waffle House. They found him brought him back and told my mother they were "aware he had religious beliefs". Yeah, my mom got onto him for it.
I have many more stories of my siblings.
https://redd.it/1b6ijef
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Memorable moment as a Taco Bell cashier.
This is the dumbest thing I ever heard as a cashier at Taco Bell in my early 20's. I was working the register when these two 20 something year old girls wearing workout clothes approached the counter. One of them asked me if we had any drinks that weren't carbonated. I immediately thought to myself 'OK that makes sense. Carbonation is known to upset stomachs after exercising, and can injure the stomach lining if it's too acidic'. I was about to rattle off our options when her friend asked, "Why don't you want to drink anything carbonated?" To which the first girl replied immediately and with full confidence "You know, because of all the carbs." The friend then nodded and said "Oh yeah that makes sense." They both ordered sweet tea and I spent the next few minutes trying to not get an ulcer from holding back my laughter.
https://redd.it/1b5t1e4
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Wasn’t expecting a set up this perfect
I’m an ROTC kid and I was riding the bus back to my school after a day of pt. I had a girl who sat behind me and was teasing this other dude that was in the seat next to him. She made the joke which went along the lines of “Are you a lesbian?” I don’t know why that was brought up but I wasn’t paying attention until she said that. My dumbass turns around and I say “nah, he just likes what they like.” Immediately after, the girl starts cracking up and the guy starts laughing
https://redd.it/1b5f402
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What’s your weirdest celebrity run in?
I was on a run in the park and a little dog ran up to me. The woman said “oh you must be good with dogs, they don’t normally run up to people.” And I said “woof, I am a dog”. Looked up and it was Saoirse Ronan. I literally felt the equivalent of a horse girl in that moment. Why did I have to say woof? Ffs
https://redd.it/1b52k99
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The drama that is an 8 year olds life 🤣
So my 8 year old is in 2nd grade and every day he gets home from school he has to update me on what happens…sometimes it’s the same old same old, and sometimes it’s hilarious drama 🤣 Today I died laughing because he came home telling me his “girlfriend” he’s been talking about for weeks told him she was done being his girlfriend. I asked him why and he explained that at lunch he told on her for getting out of her seat. She the walked up to my son and said outright,” I’m not your girlfriend anymore.” Then afterwards, he apparently asked another girl to be his “girlfriend” and he likes her because she shares her fruit snacks and “farts a lot” 🤣🤣🤣🤣 2nd graders man 🤣🤣🤣
https://redd.it/1b4j6oa
@r_funnystories
I farted so badly I could still smell it after 30 minutes
Short story but I think you’re going to enjoy this. So like a number of people In this world I have vision issues and have to wear contacts, I was just chilling in my room on TikTok, and had to go downstairs and take my contacts out before I go to sleep, people who wear Contacts know the drill. Wash hands, get case + cleaner, get glasses out. as I’m taking my second contact out the rumble that we all know and love so dearly hit me. The rumble of the stomach that just digested chicken, broccoli and other body clearing foods, slowly I feel it work its way down my stomach and I let out the deepest, wettest, and most miserable God awful fart you can think of. I mean this thing could kill. As I’m fumbling to get that second contact out my vision goes blurry and I’m ready to cross over via methane poisoning thanks to my brown starfish. I hurry and get that other contact out and grab my glasses out of the case and haul ass outta that bathroom turning on that fan and opening the window. I proceeded to stay downstairs for a little bit helping my grandparents get stuff ready for bed and I even had enough time to eat a bowl of ice cream. After, I got myself together and had to make the brave journey by the bathroom that was ground zero for my ww3 chemical warfare ass rip and hope for the best. I ran by that sucker and up those stairs and slammed my door hoping not to get a whiff of it again as it smelled worse than a rotting corpse. You should know we have very thin walls here so I could hear my grandmother walking towards to bathroom and as I heard her walk in it sounded like she had seen a ghost when I heard her yelling to my grandfather who was very confused as to what she had witnessed, she had unfortunately be a victim of my ass and genuinely thought a mouse had died under the sink 💀💀 if it was still that bad 30 minutes later I don’t dare enter that bathroom again.
https://redd.it/1b2s8pt
@r_funnystories
I saw my ex girlfriend today. She told me her boyfriend had graduated “cuma Bin Laden” from university.
She asked me if I knew what that was, just to make sure. I said yes, knowing what she meant, and moved on so I didn’t embarrass her. Needless to say it was an iconic moment and definitely one of her funnier malapropisms.
https://redd.it/1b08qaz
@r_funnystories
let's write story
So how we do this is u guys comment and we see how the story starts and ends!: theme of the story is Mystery
https://redd.it/1azvt4t
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I ran on my treadmill naked.
https://redd.it/1azsc4p
@r_funnystories
Why the fuck this happens to me ??
When I was studying 9th or 10th (during covid-19) I had a friend on whom I was having a crush, I was like ok we can confess it later and I didn't say anything to her, after few days when we were talking (4 people were present there me, her and two of our other friends) something and just playing some games I don't remember what game it is, one of our friend just for fun he grabbed her mobile and found out she has a boyfriend and they are loving each other(by the way now they broke up), I was kind of depressed on that time and I didn't confessed anything to her, but still we were good friends. After that I came to college and after few semesters, I got a crush on a different girl from same department, this time I thought somehow, I have to confess to her, but history fucking returns itself now through one of friend I got to know she already have a boyfriend. I was like why the fuck this happens to me; you guys might think this is 2 time, but this same shit has happened to me for several fucking time.
I just thought if share this with someone I will just feel nice and don't get depressed, I cannot say this to any of my friends because they all are friends with my crush.
If you guys have any story like this comment down.
https://redd.it/1axbdk0
@r_funnystories
What’s your funny/horror salon stories
https://redd.it/1aw2m7h
@r_funnystories
The story from my childhood
Once, when I was a child, my mother took me to a psychologist because I was constantly talking to an imaginary friend. The psychologist then told me this: "Sasha, why don't you talk to me, come here and talk about everything that you talked to your friend." What did I ask him for: "And how much does Mom pay you for this?" He answered the truth. And I added: "And I communicate with my friend for free. Why would Mom spend money on something that can be obtained for free?". And then my mother realized that I was not an easy child and I did not need a psychologist.
https://redd.it/1atqtpp
@r_funnystories
The Fart Sponge
My dad told me this hilarious story at dinner the other day about a friend he had when he was in high school (about 30 years ago).
He had a friend named Mike who used to carry around this little soft ball sized nerf ball. He had peeled off the top layer of it, exposing what the ball was really made of, which was a sponge like material.
Whenever Mike had the ball with him and had to fart, he would squeeze this ball and but it near his butt/fart, and the ball would suck up the odor. It worked so well that he would even carry it with him to school, on dates and whenever he was out. He had this ball for about 2 years or so, and would also throw it at his friends whenever they came to his house. He said the stench of the ball was absolutely sinister. I can only imagine the odor that would spew out of it anytime it was squeezed or thrown 😂
https://redd.it/1atne0x
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Death by electric pool
I was a lifeguard when I was 24 working in a neighborhood community pool in Spain. It was nice, friendly families would come and enjoy. It was crazy. Families brought me full meals every day as Spanish are very friendly and kind. In my opinion, they also valued a professional lifeguard.
Throughout the mid-summer, I more or less knew every user. One day, an old man I had never seen came to try the pool. He was equipped. He had his towel, swimsuit, and flip flops. He looked confused, but well, I thought maybe it was because of being nervous as he wasn't familiar with the pool.
He said hello, I said hello, and he proceeded to leave his towel in a corner, and his flip flops. He went close to the pool, looked up enjoying the sunbathe, and took a deep breath with joy. He then proceeded to calmly enter the water through the stairs.
When he was mid-path on the stairs and the water level mid-body, he suddenly stopped, and his face of joy changed to a confused one. He was staring at the stairs' leg end area, the area that is attached to the floor on the surface of the pool.
As I am the lifeguard, I perfectly knew he was seeing a 2cm length cable coming out a little. The scared man quickly went up the stairs and went straight to me. He told me that there was a cable.
I explained to him that it was just the eath wire. I saw in his eyes that my explanation didn't end his nervousness. Patiently, I explained to him that an earth wire is a cable that discharges things, in this case, a pool. With my intention of calming him even more, I told him that such wire is an obligated requirement for an open pool license in Madrid.
He said "alright" and went to the corner where his things were. He grabbed his things and left.
I never saw him again.
https://redd.it/1asp5u3
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