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Story to tickle your belly @reddit2telegram @r_channels JEET is the administrator
information that they shake their leg a lot when stressed, only to be told by Terrence Tearwater Revival that - and I kid you not - it’s: ‘a magnesium thing’ and that he: ‘used to do it’ 🫠 Terry lad, are you familiar with tenses?
I last saw him storming off to catch his hastily booked bus (he’d been denied a ride home that night and I guess was feeling a little sensitive) after he scolded me with the words: ‘haven’t you got anything better to be doing man?’ at the end of our day’s allotted interviews.
Tex Mex, if you’re reading this; it will never get any better than the time we shared this week. But for all the wrong reasons 🤡
https://redd.it/1bpqmdc
@r_funnystories
shake their leg a lot when stressed, only to be told by Terrence Tearwater Revival that - and I kid you not - it’s: ‘a magnesium thing’ and that he: ‘used to do it’ 🫠 Terry lad, are you familiar with tenses?
I last saw him storming off to catch his hastily booked bus (he’d been denied a ride home that night and I guess was feeling a little sensitive) after he scolded me with the words: ‘haven’t you got anything better to be doing man?’ at the end of our day’s allotted interviews.
Tex Mex, if you’re reading this; it will never get any better than the time we shared this week. But for all the wrong reasons 🤡
https://redd.it/1bpqny5
@r_funnystories
Restroom Surprise @ Work
A short but funny story: on my way to the restroom at work, I found all the urinals occupied, so I headed for a stall instead. Upon opening the door to do my business, I was surprised to find a guy mid-poop, who apparently forgot to lock the door.
https://redd.it/1bp9tva
@r_funnystories
Someone Blackmailed Me For Revenge
My name is Danny William. I'm originally from Los Angeles, California, but my family and I moved to New Zealand when I was 10. I studied at a Catholic high school in Auckland, where I was particularly bright in the sciences.
My best friend is from the UK, but his grandparents, Anne and Graham, live in Taupo, a five-hour drive south. I know them a little bit because I attend the same church. During the 2021 mid-year holidays (first two weeks of July down there), they wanted to take my friend over to stay with them, but he was busy, having many commitments. However, my friend suggested that they take me instead, given that I know them a little and for them to know me more.
I remember getting into Anne and Graham's car and seeing their happy faces. They were so excited to have me stay with them for five days and to know more about me. I loved long drives (what would you expect from growing up in LA) but what added to my ecstasy was the natural beauty of NZ. During the drive, I enjoyed conversing with Anne and Graham about what life was like back in America, how I had quickly adjusted to living in NZ, and how trips to the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles County, Griffith Observatory, and Mt. Wilson inspired my lifelong interests in geology and astrophysics.
Eventually, the blue simmer of Lake Taupo peered in through the green rolling hills and I was in awe of Taupo. After twenty minutes, we arrived at their spacious house with a broad backyard, a swimming pool, and two stories with a balcony (unlike my house) that opened up too amazingly vivid views of the Taupo countryside. I was given a room on the top floor. I tried not to get too excited but stayed humble and grateful to Anne and Graham for their service. However, I decided to get mischievous: after my first night at their home, I decided to get down to the living room, take my pajamas off, play rock music, and dance around in only my underwear—unaware their house had a security camera that recorded my fun. Strangely, when Anne and Graham found out, they were OK with my antics; as long as I was happy with being with them, they were happy. I even allowed them to post the video on their Facebook account. Eventually, I enjoyed the rest of my stay with my friend's grandparents, before returning to spend the rest of the break in Auckland and returning to school.
Around the first week, while hanging out during lunch, our school's principal, Mr. Hallstead, came over and asked me to go to his office. After thirty seconds of walking into his room, I sat down. After looking at my face, he spoke.
"You know Jake Perlstein?"
"Yes, I do. The troublemaker."
"For the umpteenth time, he's gotten himself into a lot of trouble. Insulting and egging students at McArthur High School. He was caught on camera! I'm starting to get to the end to my tether."
"What should we do?"
"That's the big thing. I don't know if we should punish him as usual. I'm not sure if he'll ever learn. I'm thinking I should suspend him, but I feel like not giving a note or email to his parents in the traditional way."
"I heard him saying that his birthday is coming soon."
"Hmm..."
After a few seconds of thinking, Mr. Hallstead suggested a seemingly good plan."Are you often invited to parties?"
"No, but I wish I could go to some people's parties."
"If you want, how about you wanna go to his birthday party and give my note to his parents? If you don't want to go, it's fine; I won't make you."
Knowing what he was up to, I said "yes."
However, a more serious yet seemingly comical idea came out of Mr. Hallstead's mouth.
"I'll ask Mr. Marcel to create an antivirus program. Although it removes any viruses, it will also destroy his computer. It's to get his mind off rubbish and back into study and being sane."
"Good idea."
As July passed into August, Mr. Hallstead approached me privately and gave me the "antivirus" Mr. Marcel had developed. I also overheard him bribing Jake (who was not a big fan of me) into inviting me by giving him NZD 20 (USD 12).
help if you can LMFAOOO
so basically i have no clue how to go about talking to my sister who is basically my mother that i think that i might be gay and she is super christian how do i start the convo
https://redd.it/1bmvi73
@r_funnystories
I almost had surgery from eating apple pie
Alright this is a real experience of mine and as traumatizing as it was, I can look back and laugh at it now. And I thought some of you might get a laugh from this as well. So here's how this happened.
A few years ago, I (29M, then 25) was stationed in Japan on military orders because I was in the Marines at the time. On Thanksgiving, I decided to have a few friends over for a glorious dinner cooked by me. For desert, I had made an absolute immaculate apple pie. This dinner went very much as expected but since everyone was so full we did end up with some leftover apple pie. Not wanting to waste this masterpiece of a pie, I put in the fridge to be eaten at another time.
The next day, I got hungry and was craving something sweet and I remembered what sweet treat I had in my fridge, the apple pie. So obviously I got it out and slapped it into the microwave to warm it up for two minutes. Now here's where things went south.
I pulled it out, got some ice cream to put on the side and sat down on my couch to watch some show. I visually inspected and felt the outside of the pie just to make sure I was safe to eat the pie before digging in. Once I was convinced I was safe, I took a huge chunk of the apple pie and shoved it into my mouth. I INSTANTLY regretted all of my life choices that brought me to this singular moment.
I'm pretty sure this pie was not a pie at all, but rather it was actually MOLTEN FUCKING LAVA disguised as a pie, because the once delicious apple pie was now fusing to the top of my mouth and searing pain was the only thing I felt. So what does my dumbass decide to do? I try to blow out the hot air and swallow it quickly so that I can get this pain over with and put some ice cream in there to extinguish the fiery agony my mouth was in. Also a massive mistake. As the pie went further and further to the back of my mouth and down my throat, so did the sensation of being boiled from the inside. Once the pie had made it to my stomach, I shoved ALL of the ice cream that was on my plate into my mouth. This did absolutely NOTHING to ease the pain that was now originating from my mouth and my stomach and everything in between.
Realizing I needed more relief, I ran to the kitchen where I proceeded to gargle probably 10 gallons of water from the sink, drinking about a gallon of it over the course of about three hours. The pain just did not stop.
I decided I needed to seek some medical help. I texted a friend who drove me to the emergency room whilst I said nothing at all. I don't even remember if I told him what had happened. But I was just gurgling and drinking copious amounts of water throughout the entire 20 minute ride.
Getting to the ER I had a note prepared that described my current predicament, because my attempts at making any noise thus far have been too excruciating. They looked at the note and asked me to open my mouth. I opened it and the clerks face dropped. I didn't even sit down before that had me hurried in one of the rooms, and put onto the bed. Within what seemed like seconds there was multiple doctors and running crazy around me, with multiple numbing injections and a suction hose to prevent me from drowning in my own spit.
As I was in the military, I knew I had to let my superiors know of my current fight for survival. Once things calmed down a bit and the doctors were off assumingly discussing next steps to take for my situation, I pulled out my phone and texted my staff sergeant, my direct supervisor with just "At ER burnt mouth."
Which he responded promptly "On what?"
"Apple pie."
He then responded with the most Marine Corps response imaginable, a laughing emoji, followed by two whole lines of "haha"s and a "got it I'll let everyone know" (This is important)
One of the doctors came in and let me know just how bad my situation was. I had suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns all in my mouth and all down my throat, and that it was likely I would need to get transported back to the US to get my esophagus grafted, because the damage was so severe, but
Ever heard the story about the man/woman who drunk a 10oz bottle of Magnesium Citrate?
Well, you're about to
(NOT MY STORY)
Ever wondered what happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I’m glad you asked…
12:05 pm: It’s time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it’s a lukewarm PBR and you don’t want to be a pansy in front of your older brother’s friends. It’s supposed to be grape flavored but it’s becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.
12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you’ve been saving it for the apocalypse because let’s face it…that time is here. It’s going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don’t care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You’re about to enter a very dark period in your life.
12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of poop in your colon and you basically just drank the “safe for humans” version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it’s time. You’re wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.
Take note…this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.
12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it’s reaached the boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you…you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can’t run… NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time.
Almost there. 3…2…1…
12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God…is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The poop/water mixture you’ve just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45-degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.
Is that... blood?
False alarm. That’s just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving…when you were 5. The smell is horrid…the sound is frightening. You try to clench what’s left of your butthole to soften the blow but it’s not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shart as it gurgled out of your ass.
1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything’s a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800s, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You’re now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm’s reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.
You meet Jesus.
8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they’ve seen in the last 8 hours.
You’re broken.
Your butthole’s broken.
Your spirit’s broken.
Life as you know it will never be the same.
But…tomorrow’s a new day. You’re going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn’t have a shit stain on it, and you’re going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left…and buy yourself a new toilet brush.
You’ve earned it.
https://redd.it/1blzgss
@r_funnystories
The Smelly Setup: How I Framed My Coach
When I was about 7-8yrs old I was on the gymnastics team and I had this one coach that EVERYBODY in the gym/team thought was hilarious. However, I found him annoying. His ongoing joke was about how short and bald he was while ironically telling girls to cut their hair if it got too long. One day during strength training, he was getting on my nerves so bad I went to the bathroom, took my hand & swiped under my sweaty armpits. I exited the bathroom & put my sweaty armpit infested hand underneath one of my teammates nose and told her “sniff”. She sniffed and gasped. I told her “thats the smell of our coaches bald head👍” she was disgustingly shocked. At that moment, all the talk about his bald head being the butt end of the joke came crashing down. She couldn’t believe it. It became serious. I didn’t think it would escalate to where she would tell the whole team during water break what she had smelt. Everybody on the team had a completely different perspective on the coach based off of the information she gave them from the stench. My mission was accomplished. I set him up. No one even questioned how I got a “sample” of his scent from his bald head. They all just accepted it & found him disgusting. But really It was my stinky armpit the whole time. We were all around 8 years old so we weren’t the brightest. Now I am 19 years old and still don’t regret it. Til this day they don’t know the truth🤫 ps. this coach was also racist.
#Framedmycoach
https://redd.it/1bipiyl
@r_funnystories
My moms boyfriend
My moms boyfriend threw some dirty socks at a kids. For context, this kid was being annoying and hitting my moms car because he felt like it. So my moms boyfriend, who is super chill, got fed up and was like "STOP HITTING MY BABYS CAR, U LITTLE SH*T" and grabbed a pair of my moms dirty socks abd threw it at the kids face. Me, my mom, and the kids friends are all laughing our asses off at what just happened. He officially has my approval.
https://redd.it/1bhvehn
@r_funnystories
Obnoxious toy tradition
My family has a tradition started by one of my uncles about getting a child the most obnoxious toy humanly possible.
Has to be gifted from baby shower to through the first 5 years.
This story is over 20 years old. I am happy to say with a little help from one of my siblings I held the record for well over a decade.
When my sister's youngest turned four she was very into the mighty Morphin power rangers.
I was looking for a gift for her and saw a mighty Morphin power ranger door alarm. It was one of those obnoxious little toys that had a sensor in it when tripped set off this got awful siren, and then morphed into the power rangers theme song. You know the type, they run off the watch batteries.
I mailed the toy and waited. When I called to wish my niece a happy birthday, my sister told me she hated me. 🤣🤣🤣
Apparently our friends at the post office had absolutely trashed the package, but it still worked.
After the party I was informed that I was the new de facto obnoxious toy Queen. I was also told that apparently my brother-in-law was quite distraught that even though the package was shredded the damn thing still worked. Apparently they comforted themselves by assuming that the battery probably wouldn't last very long
I was talking to one of my siblings about it, a few weeks later. I asked my sibling how often they're at my sister's and was told once or twice a month.
I came up with a plan and offered some cash. My sibling was happy to assist but turned down the money. For approximately the next two years every time they went to my sister's house under the guise of going to the bathroom or playing with the kids, they changed the batteries.
My niece's child recently turned a year old, and we on zoom from our respective locations for the party.
Has everything was winding down a conversation started about previous obnoxious toys and my sister brought up as they called it "The damn gift that never died".
My sibling and I were in absolute hysterics and my sister finally found out after over 20 years that we had kept new batteries in the damn thing for 2 years straight. She was an absolute shock 😳 that we had been able to pull it off and never got caught.
The entire family was in hysterics, and I've been told that they will never trust me again.
https://redd.it/1bgirlc
@r_funnystories
How my dad ate asparagus
So, no backstory because there's no need, just sharing thoughts coz the most popular post around here has like, two upvotes, my dad came by at 3 am, girlfriend in tow, joking, and realized we have no bottled water. Now, our country ain't advanced enough to have water filters in our sinks, so this is a problem. So they ask me "Is there anything to drink?" to which I answer "Yeah, sour cream."
Now, now, hold your laughter, dear graveyard, I haven't gotten to the good part yet. So my dad and his girl shuffled around the fridge, looking for something drinkable - milk, juice, whatever - and come across a plate of asparagus. Yes, those little beanstalk veggies. So the girl goes ahead, grabs the plate, takes one and says, I kid you not, "Mmmm". Those who ate those green tubes knows. There is no planet on Earth that has a girl who appreciates revolting frozen veggies, let alone a couple who appreciates revolting frozen veggies. And here they were, chewing away at the disgusting little beanstalks, just savoring the taste.
To anybody out there, if you and your girl can't eat a plate of veggies at 3 am while laughing your asses off, this is the ideal you should strive for.
​
PS, before I forget, my dad is happily divorced. My mom is pissed because of that.
https://redd.it/1bgavtt
@r_funnystories
Teachers What Was The Best Roast You Heard From A Student?FAKE/OG
I teach in the 6th Grade with a bunch Of 11-12 Years old And id be lying to you if i say that they dont know How to throw it back. Now there has been a Male Student who has picked on a female Student and has been Calling her "Hotdog Lips" For some time now but she Never answered to him and she Never Told me. About a Week ago we were giving out Report Cards and we Had The Parents over Just to be there for the Half Year report card(Its done in the Country im in) and She was stuck to her mom like Glue she was always around her during that time. Now we were Giving out cupcakes And Lets Call the girl 12 she tried to Get her and her Mom a cupcake but the boy who we would call 11 Pushed her aside and said"Go away Hotdog lips"the Mother Was about to replay to 11 but 12 already got in and she Replied with"At least my Hotdog is long." A lot of the People In that room Heard that and Laughed, 11 was about to replay when she Cut him off saying" Maybe you should Stop worrying about my lips Size But you Should Worry about what am doing with those lips, Like Kissing your dad" everyone Laughed But 11 and his Mother The mother is a real Karen. The mother got in and Said to 12's mother "Teach your kid some Manners "But 12 said "i see the Apple doesn't Fall far from the Tree, You both's Ego is well Over your Wight Which is impressive Because yall r obese"12 mother Was obviously embarrassed. Karen Answered "GOD you really need to worry about your kid"12 said"GOD you really Need To Worry About ur Husband,We cam see mom's winnin it." That made me burst out laughing.
https://redd.it/1be6nv8
@r_funnystories
My Alexa Rickrolled Me
I woke up this morning, and said "Alexa, play [I forgot the song\]" and it played my "personal feed". The first few were normal, 2 Pokemon tracks (which I have listened to before), but then... The rickroll... I NEVER LISTENED TO IT. I GOT RICKROLLED BY ALEXA!
https://redd.it/1bcwd04
@r_funnystories
My dad’s story
My dad said he was gonna get on a flight soon and had a hotel near a Denny’s, he drove there and saw police tape and apparently someone died there and all he said he thought was “damn, how am I gonna get wet pancakes now?” He told me this story in the car when we were passing that Denny’s on the way to cheddars-
https://redd.it/1baplov
@r_funnystories
Magic School Bus
One day, Miss Frizzle decided to take the class to Chicago. so off they went, traveling on, well, the Magic School Bus.
Then after a couple days, it came back. The whole class, including Miss Frizzle, were dead inside, along with bullet holes on the sides of the Magic School Bus. There was a saved audio, where Wanda was heard saying:
"Dammit Arnold, I told you not the say the N-word while we are going through Grove Street"
​
https://redd.it/1ba9hdp
@r_funnystories
Fragile Canadian White Man
I arrived to find Canada’s Chocolate Orange (from hitherto to be known as: CCO) all smiling and comfortable. Great I thought: an old-hand I can learn from.
I quickly turned from wide-eyed hope to narrow-eyed bemusement when I saw that he was lay-back in his chair flirting with the young women who were administrating the temporary program which we had both been given the chance to work on.
I was asked to sit next to him (interview style in-house thing) and shortly after I did he changed seats to the opposite side 🤔 “bit weird” I thought as I changed to the opposite side, to be next to him as was requested.
Moments later CCO became obsessed when he found out one of our administrators lived in the same City as him, to the extent where he was asking about: ‘a ride home’ literally seconds before we met our first interviewee 😐 this is all rather odd I thought to myself.
When - later on - he abruptly finished an interview with the words: ‘thank you, you’ve been great, I needa go use tha washroom’ and stomped off to the afore mentioned I knew it was party time. It was also then that all of his other idiosyncrasies started to make sense; the constant smacking his tongue loudly against the roof of his mouth, the slouching lay back in his chair whilst conducting interviews, the incessant leg shaking coupled with the occasional leg-cock to expel wind from his anus (yes, whilst fucking interviewing), telling me that he moved to Korea 23 years ago cos: ‘it seemed like an easy place to find a wife’ and that he had sex with his ex-wife 42 times in a week the last time he saw her 😬 pass the oil I then said to myself, this party is cooking.
Speaking of cooking: it was at lunch when Cherry Oh Cherry Oh Baby’s rant about how ‘Canada’s done, Canada’s finished, Canada’s not for the white man anymore’ (whilst again again lay back in his luncheon chair) ((and with rice all over the table and dak-galbi sauce all over his fucking chin). It was then that I realised that Chezza might not be the party animal he himself seemed to profess.
Note* Absolutely no empirical evidence was offered for this claim about Canada not being for the white man.
Note** Cherrance is currently making plans to start drawing his Canadian pension later this year. A pension which he hasn’t actually contributed to for 23 years
It was raining the morning of the next day and I couldn’t get a Kakao taxi for 45 minutes. When arriving 2 mins late I was met with an indignant orange headed whopper stating: ‘I knocked your door at 6:45 !’. You know, rather than the more customary: ‘hey buddy you made it’. I then began to ponder whether Canada not being for the white men anymore means that Canadian white men are now allowed to disregard any and all plurals 🤷🏼♂️ man not only is this dude is off the wall but the party is well and truly over, I screamed to myself in the bathroom mirror at the first available opportunity.
Ched Chocky Orange wasn’t done with his rodeo just yet though. He introduced me to interviewees with the wrong name for the whole of the 3rd day’s morning. Okay, fair dinkum: I did tell the admins about his runner to the bathroom whilst our poor interviewee was 4/5’s of the way through his closing sentence. I think Orange Man thought that might antagonise me to the point of conflict (which he seemed to so desperately desire) but i’m fucked if I’m gonna let being called the wrong name by someone - who didn’t have any problem whatsoever remembering my one-syllable name either of the previous two days - annoy me. Nah, I was more upset when at 2pm he stated: ‘I just wanna get out of here’ even though we had half-a-dozen people left to see. Half-a-dozen highly skilled, tech professionals that have dedicated their lives to their craft. To be evaluated by a man with a head like a dried-up Thunderbirds puppet and a body of similar height and who has explicitly declared he doesn’t want to be there. Nobody ever told me life was gonna be fair though 🤷🏼♂️ right?
Would you even believe me if I told you an interviewee volunteered the
All True
I arrived to find Canada’s Chocolate Orange (from hitherto to be known as: CCO) all smiling and comfortable. Great I thought: an old-hand I can learn from.
I quickly turned from wide-eyed hope to narrow-eyed bemusement when I saw that he was lay-back in his chair flirting with the young women who were administrating the temporary program which we had both been given the chance to work on.
I was asked to sit next to him (interview style in-house thing) and shortly after I did he changed seats to the opposite side 🤔 “bit weird” I thought as I changed to the opposite side, to be next to him as was requested.
Moments later CCO became obsessed when he found out one of our administrators lived in the same City as him, to the extent where he was asking about: ‘a ride home’ literally seconds before we met our first interviewee 😐 this is all rather odd I thought to myself.
When - later on - he abruptly finished an interview with the words: ‘thank you, you’ve been great, I needa go use tha washroom’ and stomped off to the afore mentioned I knew it was party time. It was also then that all of his other idiosyncrasies started to make sense; the constant smacking his tongue loudly against the roof of his mouth, the slouching lay back in his chair whilst conducting interviews, the incessant leg shaking coupled with the occasional leg-cock to expel wind from his anus (yes, whilst fucking interviewing), telling me that he moved to Korea 23 years ago cos: ‘it seemed like an easy place to find a wife’ and that he had sex with his ex-wife 42 times in a week the last time he saw her 😬 pass the oil I then said to myself, this party is cooking.
Speaking of cooking: it was at lunch when Cherry Oh Cherry Oh Baby’s rant about how ‘Canada’s done, Canada’s finished, Canada’s not for the white man anymore’ (whilst again again lay back in his luncheon chair) ((and with rice all over the table and dak-galbi sauce all over his fucking chin). It was then that I realised that Chezza might not be the party animal he himself seemed to profess.
Note* Absolutely no empirical evidence was offered for this claim about Canada not being for the white man.
Note** Cherrance is currently making plans to start drawing his Canadian pension later this year. A pension which he hasn’t actually contributed to for 23 years.
It was raining the morning of the next day and I couldn’t get a Kakao taxi for 45 minutes. When arriving 2 mins late I was met with an indignant orange headed whopper stating: ‘I knocked your door at 6:45 !’. You know, rather than the more customary: ‘hey buddy you made it’. I then began to ponder whether Canada not being for the white men anymore means that Canadian white men are now allowed to disregard any and all plurals 🤷🏼♂️ man not only is this dude is off the wall but the party is well and truly over, I screamed to myself in the bathroom mirror at the first available opportunity.
Ched Chocky Orange wasn’t done with his rodeo just yet though. He introduced me to interviewees with the wrong name for the whole of the 3rd day’s morning. Okay, fair dinkum: I did tell the admins about his runner to the bathroom whilst our poor interviewee was 4/5’s of the way through his closing sentence. I think Orange Man thought that might antagonise me to the point of conflict (which he seemed to so desperately desire) but i’m fucked if I’m gonna let being called the wrong name by someone - who didn’t have any problem whatsoever remembering my one-syllable name either of the previous two days - annoy me. Nah, I was more upset when at 2pm he stated: ‘I just wanna get out of here’ even though we had half-a-dozen people left to see. Half-a-dozen highly skilled, tech professionals that have dedicated their lives to their craft. To be evaluated by a man with a head like a dried-up Thunderbirds puppet and a body of similar height and who has explicitly declared he doesn’t want to be there. Nobody ever told me life was gonna be fair though 🤷🏼♂️ right?
Would you even believe me if I told you an interviewee volunteered the information that they
Eventually, the day arrived. I told my parents about the plan between the principal and me, and before long, I entered the grounds of Jake's house, note and "antivirus" in my pocket, and rang the doorbell.
"Hello?"
"Dan Will, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"Happy birthday, Jake!"
"Thanks, Dan Will."
"I've got you a new antivirus for your birthday!"
"Thanks, I'll get my friend over to test it!"
While I went over to see if there were any sensible friends for me to hang out with, Jake gave Trevor, one of his naughty acquaintances, the "antivirus". I overheard Trevor installing the "antivirus" on Jake's desktop computer. I tried not to get pleased or anything with what was going on, bearing in mind this was a serious operation, but I was able to work out that something was going on. Eventually, I heard it—a soft bang.
Jake's desktop was unable to handle the "antivirus", and, lo and behold, it overheated and exploded. Fortunately, the fire was extinguished within a minute. That's when I heard Jake exclaim.
"I will NOT let my birthday be ruined!"
Looking down the hallway, I decided to run out to the backyard and peek in into one of the windows of Jake's bedroom. I saw an adult, presumably one of his parents or a family friend, walk into Jake's bedroom, carrying a birthday cake. However, after expressing shock at the destroyed desktop computer and tripping over something—either some toy or a piece of debris from the computer explosion—he dropped the cake, which splattered spectacularly on the floor.
The moment I realized what had happened, I pointed at the window and exclaimed, "Surprise!"
Jake and his parents were shocked.
"It's that American kid!"
Without hesitation, I quickly ran into the house and gave Mr. Hallstead's note and gave it to Jake's mom. She read the whole note, which also detailed Mr. Hallstead's plan to and responsibility in foiling Jake's party. When she was done, instead of being angry at me or Mr. Hallstead, she looked at her son in the eyes, his own eyes filling with dread. She told me calmly, "Go Home." Which I did, satisfied our work was done.
Jake was reportedly grounded for two weeks and was not allowed to spend the school term playing rugby (as he usually liked) and he was not getting a desktop computer until the end of our studies that year. Obviously, being a jock that he was, he was angry, and perhaps looked of a way to humiliate me. He did, because of what happened once the two weeks were over.
I walked into a school assembly expecting nothing out of the ordinary. After the typical Catholic prayer, the principal came in and gave usual notices. However, he had a special announcement.
"Now, one of the boys came to me and told me they videoed one of our students doing an amazing song performance. They confirmed we can play this for our assembly, to show how amazing our students can manifest their hidden talents."
A few seconds after he stopped, a video came on... it seemed familiar...
On the first second, I realized: it was the video taken on Anne and Graham's house camera of me dancing in my underwear! And even the music was recorded! Somehow, Jake must have found the video of me dancing to Bob Seger on Facebook and told Trevor about it, who would then lie to Mr. Hallstead about it to try and make it look more suitable to show to the school. And I will never forget the day the school—Mr. Hallstead included—laughed uncontrollably in their seats while I sat down, embarrassed. One of my favorite teachers, Mrs. Schwartz, bent over to me in her fits of laughter and said something I'll never forget:
"Oh Danny William... you're the most amazing little cissy!"
https://redd.it/1boolxt
@r_funnystories
Unexpected Act
Traversing the rain-soaked streets on my scooter, I found refuge beneath the shelter of a roadside shop. Lighting a cigarette, I welcomed the peaceful patter of raindrops, lost in thought.
Suddenly, a cry pierced the tranquility. I turned to see a girl in distress, grappling with a young man who had snatched her bag. Reacting instinctively, I intervened, causing the thief to stumble.
Amidst the chaos, I realized it was not a real theft but a street play. Laughter replaced the girl's cries, and I found myself caught in the unexpected drama.
Releasing the actor with a sheepish smile, I retreated to the shop, reflecting on the surprising turn of events. In that fleeting moment, I became unwittingly entangled in a simple yet vivid portrayal of city life, a reminder of the unpredictability that often colors our everyday experiences.
https://redd.it/1bmyhj2
@r_funnystories
were going to do some more checks to make sure this was necessary. Luckily, after those checks they determined while the recovery would be lengthy, I would be able to heal from this naturally, except for some nerve damage.
After a few days in observation, I was sent home with quite the boat load of medications, and a very strict liquid only diet which was still very difficult to consume. I was given an entire month of leave from the military to help facilitate my recovery, and I did not say a single word during that whole month.
Little did I know, the story of my trip to the ER was spreading around my unit like wildfire, and I'm guessing everyone was told not to talk to me about it because the only people who checked up on me during this month were my superiors.
After the month went by, due to the miraculous healing properties the mouth has, I was able to talk, though there was still quite a bit of pain, and I returned to work.
Now, in the Marines, on just about every Friday the entire unit gets together and does something called a safety brief. We are told important information about things that might affect our weekend, and go over some reminders to not do things like to not "add or subtract from the population." Now at the end of this particular safety brief, I was in for a bit of a surprise. My commanding officer said to everyone, "Now sergeant X (me) is going to come up here and say a few words." I had no idea what was going on, so I slowly walked up next to him in front of about 250 other marines. As I looked at the faces of the marines, many of them were trying their hardest to hold back their laughter. "Sergeant X is going to share with us the procedure on how to properly prepare leftover apple pie."
So I, barely able to talk through the pain had to tell everyone how to NEVER put an unfrozen apple pie in the microwave for more than one minute, and even then to check that the filling does not exceed acceptable temperatures. Throughout my entire speech, everyone, commanding officer and all, were laughing hysterically that this was even a topic that we needed to cover for a weekly safety brief. If one dumbass does it, another is likely to make the same mistake at some point.
So as a moral to this story, please for your own safety, check the temperature of your pies before you shovel it into your mouth. It can possibly save your life.
https://redd.it/1bm8ow7
@r_funnystories
In response to earlier magnesium citrate story
I had turned 50 and my Dr. recommended I get 'the procedure' that all men get. I was living in a sober living house at the time with 20 other guys. I was given my magnesium citrate about an hour before night meds. This is important because I absolutely will not sleep without them. I started thinking about the progression of events and got worried that maybe my night meds may be stronger than the laxative. I asked if I could refuse my night meds that night and was told that I would be going against the rules about meds. (it would have been my third strike and I would be be kicked out) I took my my meds hesitantly and anxiously knowing there could be a problem. The meds kicked in just as my belly began gurgling. I passed out.
My worst dreams came true when I come to and woke up around 6 am. Yes, I shat myself. Not just a little shart but a full-blown shit puddle that not only filled the bed, but there was some flowing like a mini-river from the side of the bed.
With the help from an empathetic worker I was able to clean and wash my stuff before anyone woke up.
I thought I got rid of everything when the Dr doing the colonoscopy said I wasn't clean and needed more magnesium citrate. I don't remember a whole lot after that because of the effects of so much of laxative. I do remember pooping, then given something to knock me out. I awoke in the recovery area. I was weak and my bum was sore. I was given be a clean bill of health, I didn't have any problems.
Ok. That is my story. Ask me anything.
https://redd.it/1bm5ws9
@r_funnystories
Very Short
My girlfriend said she’d prefer a stronger, more reliable partner, to which I replied, ‘you’re telling me my childish, oversensitive, pathetic little man act has been a waste of time!?
She shut the door and hasn’t come back.
You can drop the facade lads.
https://redd.it/1bkppxc
@r_funnystories
The big dong
So I got this sex toy from Amazon. Let’s just say when it showed up it was 😯 totally not even a thing. Perhaps for practice for birthing a baby I’m not sure. Comically big.
I stowed it in my closet, I thought maybe one day I would use it as a joke and forgot alllll about it.
So. When I went to move as it turns out upon the last realization that it had been in there. Not only that but the last person to go into my closet, on the last day, to finally realized it was there.
She said “what in the fuck man that is wild”.
I went to see it was this giant floppy veiny dick standing straight up in the corner of the closet. Then I chased her around a little bit with it. She about slapped me.
Everyone, and I mean everyone who came to help me move had seen it. They didn’t say anything but they definitely went in there.
I realized all the “I’ll let you take care of this room” and shit like that people would say, flashes. 12 different people including the maintenance people at different points especially during the move.
I was so busy it never occurred to me that it was there or anything. I forgot about it the day I opened it. I’m dying thinking about the mental scars I left upon folks who may thought I maybe need an emergency room.
https://redd.it/1bidlr3
@r_funnystories
Butt cheeks hahahaha
Dookie monster came in my room while I was sleepy timing the smell of crotch was lingering so bad under my bed I almost fainted of lack of oxygen I screamed for my bich ass dad to come and check under ma bed but dumb ass dad couldn’t hear me while knocked out under the influence of Xanax and vagina fingers so I had to get up off my badass car bed I yelled bitch ass stank booty monster come out where I can hear you see you and feel you!! While pointing my water gun pistol a I hear someone rip a fatass fart out then out of nowhere!! A big fat hairy lady runs out my room but HAHA! She trips on my secret cum bucket trap I have for sneaky fuck ass burglars so I peel off into the dark hallway where she landed tut first and I can’t believe my asshole eyes it’s my mother!!
https://redd.it/1bhjla7
@r_funnystories
McDonald's manager has dirty mind but it's my fault?
So my wife worked for McDonald's on the same Walmart where I worked. She had they day off because she had dental work done in the morning. So I'm standing in line at McDonald's on a break waiting to order some food and decided to call and check up on her.
At this point I feel I need to explain something. I have a hearing loss and at that time didn't have hearing aids. As a result my voice is loud and I don't even realize it. Now back to the story:
She told me she missed me and that she has holding her pink teddy bear that I got here a few years previous for Valentine's Day. I said to her something like That's good you've got you pink teddy. I was next so I ended the conversation. A minute or two later the assistant manager came up to me and said that I needed to be careful because this is a family restaurant and there are kids here. Then she went back behind the countee. That's it, no explanation of what I might've said. So I thought back over the conversation and then the lightbulb came on. I told her It's a teddy bear! She says back "It doesn't matter, it's what people heard"
So basically you've got a dirty mind but it's somehow my fault that your mind went right to the gutter
https://redd.it/1bgbeax
@r_funnystories
That time I went to a male strip club and only lasted 15 minutes before running out the door in fear....
(I'm female btw) I went to a male strip club at like 4pm on a Wednesday (10 years ago) because I was curious wth it was and an old friend from high school worked there and I could NOT picture him as a stripper lol so I just had to see...I told him to tell all the dancers to leave me the hell alone and that I'm just there out of pure curiosity.
Background story- I had also gone to a female strip club a little while before this, because again, I was curious what the heck it was... I didn't even see boobs at the female strip club so I thought everyone was kinda exaggerating how raunchy they can be..
So, anyways yeah...I thought... the male strip club wouldn't be much different.... boy, was I wrong.
I only lasted about 15 minutes before running out the damn door.. I sit down at the bar, (and I guess this was rather unhinged) I ordered...a glass of milk. Lmfao because I was a bit of a milk addict lol lol and I didn't want to drink alcohol lol. (I'm neurodivergent leave me alone ok lol)
Anyways next thing I know, the stripper is smacking these two old women in the face with his 12 inch long dick. I was horrified. My jaw hit the floor. I wondered how the hell anyone found this enjoyable. I downed my milk in fear. (I guess that was also rather unhinged)
I got up to run out the door, I see the stripper take the two old ladies to the back room, with his full penis just swinging about. I thought to myself "oh my gosh, prostitution! What else could go on back there if they're smacking people with dicks out here!?!"
Anyways, that was the day I learned that some strip clubs really are that raunchy, and evidently not all women lose their sex drive after menopause, and most importantly, it was weird as HELL for me to order friggin milk at a strip club bar.
That is all.
https://redd.it/1bg4odm
@r_funnystories
The meme has spread
So me my mom and her friend have this meme where we go “mommy I fwowed up” and a few months later I go to my pops with my cousin and he said “my name in the caw when you werwent thew I fwowed up” and I was trying not to laugh
https://redd.it/1bdzopn
@r_funnystories
A nurse did what?
So going back a few years now, I was told an absolutely amazing story, but first I need to put a bit of detail here
I work in aged care but just as a carer
I was told that one busy night, one of the staff members also a carer was just going around doing their job, when suddenly one of the residents/patients needed them, they went in asked them in a polite manner what they needed, but tragedy struck, they. Were unable to get their words out and collapsed, luckily the trusty registered nurse was quickly on the scene
With a quick look over the staff member they new that they were having some form of anaphylaxis and rushed to get their epipen
Short intermission
By no means am I saying having some form of health emergency is funny, I have been in a few mostly as the person giving first aid, it is what happened next is what was funny, then it goes back to a medical emergency
The registered nurse gets the other member prepared, lifts the epipen
And plunges it down
Into
The registered nurses own leg
Instead of the other staff member having the attack
In the end both are fine and an ambulance was called for both of them
https://redd.it/1baojpf
@r_funnystories
I was playing a game last night that i tried it was 1 in the morning and when i woke up my room buddy needed to shred papers he said why is there soda on the paper shredder and i clean it up he didn’t realize that it wad cum
https://redd.it/1bajsbm
@r_funnystories
that shit show I went home. A few weeks later she cheated on me with my friend and had a three way with my other friend and his GF.
For my efforts I got a kiss and some sloppy red KD.
Your welcome for this journey with me.
https://redd.it/1b9ytbr
@r_funnystories