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Story to tickle your belly @reddit2telegram @r_channels JEET is the administrator
This is a quite funny (imo)
This happened not long ago. Had a strike day and went round to someone's house. I looked up in their probably 7 ft cupboard and I saw a box of dolls like barbies and monster high.
For some reason I wanted to see inside so I asked someone and they said ,,ok I'll do it in 5 mins,,
I was like ok that sounds good.
HOWEVER, I'm a VERY impatient human so I thought ,, hang on I could do this myself, I'm strong,, so I reached up for the box and I felt my right upper arm just give up on me.
I THEN RESTED THE BOX ON MY HEAD QHILE SOMEONE HELPED AND I HAD TO GO TO A&E.
turns out I had broken/fractured it in 3 places.
This was from a box of barbies.
My family jokes about it now.
https://redd.it/1c26iix
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Is this approiate thing to do in weddding? (fixed question)
I have a friend who Betrothed his daughter to someone, he is a martial artist and in the wedding we both wore suit and necktie and he sparred me jokingly and I let him win, he tackled me to the ground and I lied on my back on the floor with my eyes closed and didn't get up As like I am unconscious/knocked out for 2 minutes, he joyfully danced around me and slapped gently my face to see if I woke up, he put his leg on my belly to feel triumphat, the crowd also danced around me they understood it was a joke, he poured glass of water into my face and I "woke up" from "knockout", we danced
https://redd.it/1c1f9wd
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Is this approiate thing to do in weddding?
I have a friend who married his daughter, he is a martial artist and in the wedding we both wore suit and necktie and he sparred me jokingly and I let him win, he tackled me to the ground and I lied on my back on the floor with my eyes closed and didn't get up As like I am unconscious/knocked out for 2 minutes, he joyfully danced around me and slapped gently my face to see if I woke up, he put his leg on my belly to feel triumphat, the crowd also danced around me they understood it was a joke, he poured glass of water into my face and I "woke up" from "knockout", we danced...
https://redd.it/1c0e1hy
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Then he realized his friend had been hypnotized by the evil spirits. Danny William thought he heard one of them calling him to go closer, but he couldn’t get a word out of his mouth. It wasn’t long before Danny William started inching closer toward whatever that abomination was.
Henry thought nothing could be done, but prayed to God briefly for salvation.
Perhaps that prayer worked as, a second later, Danny William started to turn his face towards Henry, slowly cutting the gaze he had upon the evil spirits. Upon realizing this was not a safe place anymore, he said quietly to him, “Time to leave.”
As soon as Danny William finished speaking, they ran towards the clear, grassy plain of salvation they had been walking on earlier. As they ran, they were nearly touched by two spirits who tried to close in on them, but they both held their arms to themselves and shouted “Go Away!”
At last, Danny William and Henry reached the plain, where they felt secure being shone upon by the Sun’s warm rays. They quickly looked back to the forest and saw numerous ghost-like figures staring out at them, with evil, red eyes and serious mouths. Despite their clear desire to do evil to the two, they seemed unable to leave the forest, restricted by the goodness of the Sun. The two ran back down the hill, past the bush, and back to the heavenly beach. The moment they re-entered the Long Bay beach, they knew they were safe.
Danny William and Henry were relieved that they were still alive and able to enjoy the day at the main part of Long Bay reserve, far from evil and within the bounds of good.
“I think that’s one lesson learned,” Danny William said to his friend.
“Yeah, don’t go into a haunted forest,” Henry replied back.
“Or more precisely, don’t fart in it, because spirits can smell that too!” Danny William said in a more sarcastic manner.
“Well, at least we can be thankful we can have fun, just as we wanted,” Henry replied as they walked down to the beach.
“At least that’s—”
Henry farted again.
“Henry Joseph!”
https://redd.it/1by110h
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cheating on me twice when we were seventeen, but didn't like it.
I graduated college and she finally found a guy, let's call him Chad, who did it for her. Except she only told me after they were together for two months.
I told myself that it was time to close that dark chapter of my life, to finally stop thinking with the small head and cut her out of my life completely.
I stole her phone and copied Chad's number. I stalked Chad. When Elsa was definitely not going to interfere I called him and told him we needed to meet.
I told him about being her ex and why we broke up and that I would definitely stop now that I knew about him, but that we were still having sex on the regular, last time three days ago.
He looked at me with a screwed up face and told me: 'Good Sir... are you serious?'
'Yes, sorry.'
'You really think...' then he bursts out laughing, 'You really think that dumb bitch can keep something like that a secret?'
And that's how I met my best friend! Elsa was so fucking pissed.
He really loves how much of an asshole Elsa is and treats her even worse than I did. We're both fucking her and she's now super happy with that arrangement, because she can hate two men instead of one and Chad fires back, but is super chill about it.
It was his Idea to publish my story here.
Chad: 'Not laughing at this huge guy, who could break me like a twig stammering through an apology for something he didn't know he was doing was the hardest ten minutes of my life. I knew what this was about as soon as he called me. I was actually relieved, because that guy who was following me looked fucking scary. When he told me she called his gramps a ni99er I thought ''Oh shit, if I start laughing now, he's going to kill me.''
Yes, I like yanderes. Yes, I am crazy and sticking it into crazy. No, we don't DP her, even if she really wants to.'
John: 'One, she doesn't deserve it. Two, it would be super weird to have Chad watch me fuck Elsa. It's weird enough when they kick me out of their apartment when she wants to fuck. I only agreed to fuck her in their place two months ago.'
Chad: 'He was too chicken to tell me to leave my own home. And no, I don't want to have sex with him either. It's less that he's a guy and more that he's a little bitch. He could get much more game if he applied himself.'
John: 'I think it's more that Elsa has traumatized me too much.'
Chad: 'You could at least post a photo of your car.'
John: 'I do work in Cybersecurity.'
Chad: 'This mofo doesn't have facebook.'
John: 'God, don't imply Elsa breeding.'
lol, revenge is a dish best served never.
https://redd.it/1bxr34j
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How my Friend's Boyfriend Sneaked into School
okay so this happened when i was in year 9 (8th grade for the americans). i went to an all-girls school, every student there was a girl. there was also an all-boys school quite close to my school, probably only a couple minutes of a walk away. one of my friends had a boyfriend who went to the all-boys school, and she was very obbessed with him. it was difficult to talk with her about something that wasn't about her boyfriend. anyways, one day, she said to me that her boyfriend was going to sneak into our school to meet her. i asked her how he was going to pull that off, because he's a boy and he would be wearing a different uniform to us. she just said, "watch and see." and let me tell you, he came into our school wearing OUR uniform, wearing a long blonde wig and some mascara. when i saw him, i didn't even look twice because i genuinely thought it was just a normal girl student. it was only when my friend came up to him and kissed him that i realised that was her boyfriend. our lunch break back then was an hour long, so they went to the toilets and did who-knows-what in there. still a little traumatised yet amazed to this day.
https://redd.it/1bxfidi
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Whqt is the funniest plot twist story you heard?
https://redd.it/1bx4amd
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Pete's Precious 'Diamond': A Pigeon's Tale of Treasure and Titters
💎In a quiet corner of a bustling city, there lived a pigeon named Pete who had an unusual hobby: he loved to collect shiny things.
Pete was no ordinary bird; his nest was adorned with spoils from the urban jungle: bottle caps, gum wrappers, and even a glittery earring he found near the park. But Pete's prized possession was a small, round, reflective object he believed was a diamond.
One sunny day, while Pete was out on his usual treasure hunt, he stumbled upon a group of squirrels having a heated debate.
The squirrels were arguing over the best way to crack open a particularly tough nut. Each squirrel had its own method, but none seemed to work. Seeing an opportunity to show off his prized "diamond," Pete swooped down and offered it to the squirrels, suggesting they use it to crack the nut open, believing its brilliance equaled unparalleled strength.
The squirrels, dubious but desperate, agreed. Pete, full of pride, watched as the squirrels positioned his diamond atop the nut and gave it a good whack. To everyone's surprise, instead of the nut cracking open, Pete's precious diamond shattered into a million pieces. It turned out to be nothing more than a very shiny candy wrapper.
The squirrels burst into laughter, and Pete, though embarrassed, couldn't help but join in. He realized that the true value of his collection wasn't in how shiny or valuable each item was, but in the joy and the hilarious misadventures they brought him.
Moral of the story: Not everything that glitters is gold, but even a pigeon with a candy wrapper can crack a tough nut if he makes friends laugh along the way.
😊🤸♀️🦋😃
https://redd.it/1bwzvbx
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My 11 Year Old Brother (short and true story)
So I have an 11 year old little brother named Jax. I am his older brother, and in our house it is normal for the men to go shirtless whenever they feel like it. Recently my little brother Jax has been going shirtless much more frequently then he used to (this was last summer) since our AC system was broken and our house was boiling hot. Now, my mom does not like it when the guys go shirtless, and she was complaining about Jax going shirtless so much. Eventually, Jax got tired of my mother's complaints and said, "Mom, at least I'm shirtless. I could easily go nude in this house if you would prefer, so make your choice." My mom has never complained about us going shirtless since lol
https://redd.it/1bvbhsv
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information that they shake their leg a lot when stressed, only to be told by Terrence Tearwater Revival that - and I kid you not - it’s: ‘a magnesium thing’ and that he: ‘used to do it’ 🫠 Terry lad, are you familiar with tenses?
I last saw him storming off to catch his hastily booked bus (he’d been denied a ride home that night and I guess was feeling a little sensitive) after he scolded me with the words: ‘haven’t you got anything better to be doing man?’ at the end of our day’s allotted interviews.
Tex Mex, if you’re reading this; it will never get any better than the time we shared this week. But for all the wrong reasons 🤡
https://redd.it/1bpqmdc
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shake their leg a lot when stressed, only to be told by Terrence Tearwater Revival that - and I kid you not - it’s: ‘a magnesium thing’ and that he: ‘used to do it’ 🫠 Terry lad, are you familiar with tenses?
I last saw him storming off to catch his hastily booked bus (he’d been denied a ride home that night and I guess was feeling a little sensitive) after he scolded me with the words: ‘haven’t you got anything better to be doing man?’ at the end of our day’s allotted interviews.
Tex Mex, if you’re reading this; it will never get any better than the time we shared this week. But for all the wrong reasons 🤡
https://redd.it/1bpqny5
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Restroom Surprise @ Work
A short but funny story: on my way to the restroom at work, I found all the urinals occupied, so I headed for a stall instead. Upon opening the door to do my business, I was surprised to find a guy mid-poop, who apparently forgot to lock the door.
https://redd.it/1bp9tva
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Someone Blackmailed Me For Revenge
My name is Danny William. I'm originally from Los Angeles, California, but my family and I moved to New Zealand when I was 10. I studied at a Catholic high school in Auckland, where I was particularly bright in the sciences.
My best friend is from the UK, but his grandparents, Anne and Graham, live in Taupo, a five-hour drive south. I know them a little bit because I attend the same church. During the 2021 mid-year holidays (first two weeks of July down there), they wanted to take my friend over to stay with them, but he was busy, having many commitments. However, my friend suggested that they take me instead, given that I know them a little and for them to know me more.
I remember getting into Anne and Graham's car and seeing their happy faces. They were so excited to have me stay with them for five days and to know more about me. I loved long drives (what would you expect from growing up in LA) but what added to my ecstasy was the natural beauty of NZ. During the drive, I enjoyed conversing with Anne and Graham about what life was like back in America, how I had quickly adjusted to living in NZ, and how trips to the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles County, Griffith Observatory, and Mt. Wilson inspired my lifelong interests in geology and astrophysics.
Eventually, the blue simmer of Lake Taupo peered in through the green rolling hills and I was in awe of Taupo. After twenty minutes, we arrived at their spacious house with a broad backyard, a swimming pool, and two stories with a balcony (unlike my house) that opened up too amazingly vivid views of the Taupo countryside. I was given a room on the top floor. I tried not to get too excited but stayed humble and grateful to Anne and Graham for their service. However, I decided to get mischievous: after my first night at their home, I decided to get down to the living room, take my pajamas off, play rock music, and dance around in only my underwear—unaware their house had a security camera that recorded my fun. Strangely, when Anne and Graham found out, they were OK with my antics; as long as I was happy with being with them, they were happy. I even allowed them to post the video on their Facebook account. Eventually, I enjoyed the rest of my stay with my friend's grandparents, before returning to spend the rest of the break in Auckland and returning to school.
Around the first week, while hanging out during lunch, our school's principal, Mr. Hallstead, came over and asked me to go to his office. After thirty seconds of walking into his room, I sat down. After looking at my face, he spoke.
"You know Jake Perlstein?"
"Yes, I do. The troublemaker."
"For the umpteenth time, he's gotten himself into a lot of trouble. Insulting and egging students at McArthur High School. He was caught on camera! I'm starting to get to the end to my tether."
"What should we do?"
"That's the big thing. I don't know if we should punish him as usual. I'm not sure if he'll ever learn. I'm thinking I should suspend him, but I feel like not giving a note or email to his parents in the traditional way."
"I heard him saying that his birthday is coming soon."
"Hmm..."
After a few seconds of thinking, Mr. Hallstead suggested a seemingly good plan."Are you often invited to parties?"
"No, but I wish I could go to some people's parties."
"If you want, how about you wanna go to his birthday party and give my note to his parents? If you don't want to go, it's fine; I won't make you."
Knowing what he was up to, I said "yes."
However, a more serious yet seemingly comical idea came out of Mr. Hallstead's mouth.
"I'll ask Mr. Marcel to create an antivirus program. Although it removes any viruses, it will also destroy his computer. It's to get his mind off rubbish and back into study and being sane."
"Good idea."
As July passed into August, Mr. Hallstead approached me privately and gave me the "antivirus" Mr. Marcel had developed. I also overheard him bribing Jake (who was not a big fan of me) into inviting me by giving him NZD 20 (USD 12).
help if you can LMFAOOO
so basically i have no clue how to go about talking to my sister who is basically my mother that i think that i might be gay and she is super christian how do i start the convo
https://redd.it/1bmvi73
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I almost had surgery from eating apple pie
Alright this is a real experience of mine and as traumatizing as it was, I can look back and laugh at it now. And I thought some of you might get a laugh from this as well. So here's how this happened.
A few years ago, I (29M, then 25) was stationed in Japan on military orders because I was in the Marines at the time. On Thanksgiving, I decided to have a few friends over for a glorious dinner cooked by me. For desert, I had made an absolute immaculate apple pie. This dinner went very much as expected but since everyone was so full we did end up with some leftover apple pie. Not wanting to waste this masterpiece of a pie, I put in the fridge to be eaten at another time.
The next day, I got hungry and was craving something sweet and I remembered what sweet treat I had in my fridge, the apple pie. So obviously I got it out and slapped it into the microwave to warm it up for two minutes. Now here's where things went south.
I pulled it out, got some ice cream to put on the side and sat down on my couch to watch some show. I visually inspected and felt the outside of the pie just to make sure I was safe to eat the pie before digging in. Once I was convinced I was safe, I took a huge chunk of the apple pie and shoved it into my mouth. I INSTANTLY regretted all of my life choices that brought me to this singular moment.
I'm pretty sure this pie was not a pie at all, but rather it was actually MOLTEN FUCKING LAVA disguised as a pie, because the once delicious apple pie was now fusing to the top of my mouth and searing pain was the only thing I felt. So what does my dumbass decide to do? I try to blow out the hot air and swallow it quickly so that I can get this pain over with and put some ice cream in there to extinguish the fiery agony my mouth was in. Also a massive mistake. As the pie went further and further to the back of my mouth and down my throat, so did the sensation of being boiled from the inside. Once the pie had made it to my stomach, I shoved ALL of the ice cream that was on my plate into my mouth. This did absolutely NOTHING to ease the pain that was now originating from my mouth and my stomach and everything in between.
Realizing I needed more relief, I ran to the kitchen where I proceeded to gargle probably 10 gallons of water from the sink, drinking about a gallon of it over the course of about three hours. The pain just did not stop.
I decided I needed to seek some medical help. I texted a friend who drove me to the emergency room whilst I said nothing at all. I don't even remember if I told him what had happened. But I was just gurgling and drinking copious amounts of water throughout the entire 20 minute ride.
Getting to the ER I had a note prepared that described my current predicament, because my attempts at making any noise thus far have been too excruciating. They looked at the note and asked me to open my mouth. I opened it and the clerks face dropped. I didn't even sit down before that had me hurried in one of the rooms, and put onto the bed. Within what seemed like seconds there was multiple doctors and running crazy around me, with multiple numbing injections and a suction hose to prevent me from drowning in my own spit.
As I was in the military, I knew I had to let my superiors know of my current fight for survival. Once things calmed down a bit and the doctors were off assumingly discussing next steps to take for my situation, I pulled out my phone and texted my staff sergeant, my direct supervisor with just "At ER burnt mouth."
Which he responded promptly "On what?"
"Apple pie."
He then responded with the most Marine Corps response imaginable, a laughing emoji, followed by two whole lines of "haha"s and a "got it I'll let everyone know" (This is important)
One of the doctors came in and let me know just how bad my situation was. I had suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns all in my mouth and all down my throat, and that it was likely I would need to get transported back to the US to get my esophagus grafted, because the damage was so severe, but
The phone call
So my husband got a phone call in the morning. It was an out of state number (Oregon) so he figured it was a possible scam caller. Mind you that my husband likes to mess with them he answers. So he answers and it was a guy named James. So he wanted to know what this guy called for. The only thing he said before hanging up suddenly was "Fuck you!" It left my husband stunned. ....What did he even do to James from Oregon?! 😅
https://redd.it/1c1lkil
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Homeless woman in my car
I woke up at 5 am to pick up my friend for an early gym session and went to the public parking garage where I left my car the day befor.
I accidentally left my car unlocked the night befor, which I usually triple check every time I lock it. (Yes it's my fault, I know)
So I open the door on the drivers side and see my seat all the way to the front, thinking "fuck I must have been robed".
And then I see it... a person sleeping on my backseat.
I go into flight or fight... or more like fight and nuts, and start to kick that intruder in to the legs waking her up. As this homless woman sits up i start screaming and telling her to get out of my car.
Now my car smells of feet and gnarly sweat.
(I know this woman uses substance and is an alcoholic, as I see her nearly on the daily in the city where I live. Even saw her doing drugs infront of kids)
TLDR: Homeless woman slept in the backseat of my car and I literally kicked her out.
https://redd.it/1c0tzge
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Nine is the highest number
As a kid me and my class mates were like "nine is the highest number because then you go back to digit that are under nine" and we weren't technically wrong because when you reach 999 then 1000 the digits go back to a single one and three zeros and nine is the highest digit like for example on a calculator it goes up all the way to nine and then resets back to zero and then one and up.
https://redd.it/1bye8c2
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The Ghosts in the Forest
Danny William walked before Henry, introducing him to the Long Bay reserve. They wanted to have fun, go for a walk, or swim at the beach.
“I’m starting to love this place,” Henry said.
“That’s good. I came here less than a year before moving to New Zealand. But yeah, Long Bay’s helped me fall in love with the country.”
“I’ve been here many times, especially in primary school. I wonder what growing up in America must have been like for you.”
The two had already had lunch and were looking for a place to sit. The sun was beating down on them, but not to a concerning extent, partially hindered by clouds. After some time, the two had walked up a hill. They had to walk up dense bushes and forests before being rewarded with grandiose sea views. Danny William looked back at his friend’s face, topped by his straight blond hair and blue eyes.
“Thanks for bringing me along, Danny,” Henry said, looking out across the blue.
“You’re welcome! I prefer being called Danny William in full though.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Henry said. “Why do you go by your middle name?”
“My parents and I like it,” Danny William replied. “I think it would be, like funny if you went by both your first and middle name.”
“Henry Joseph?”
“Yeah, I like that, but you can stick to just your first name if you want.”
As they continued to walk north, Danny William began to pay attention to the forest. That particular forest was, according to the native Māori folklore, to be haunted by evil spirits of some kind. But Danny William thought it was nothing to be afraid of, so he tried to clear his mind of preconceptions. Then came the idea.
“Henry…”
“Yeah?”
“Should we go into that forest?”
“Why?”
“Just to shield ourself from the Sun, and to have our own little space. The locals say it’s haunted, but seriously? I don’t think so.”
“Hmm… I don’t believe in ghosts. Yeah, I’d like to take a look.”
Danny William and Henry both departed from the path. The moment they stepped into the forest, the atmosphere became slightly colder; the surroundings decreased in saturation as if the sky had become cloudy. Drowning out the sounds of feet crunching dead sticks and leaves, Danny William occasionally thought of walking out for him and his friend’s safety but tried to drown out the feeling.
“It reminds me of the California redwoods, which I’ve seen only once as far as I know. How about we sit down?”
“Yeah, I’d like to rest from walking five miles or so. How about in front of that bush?”
“Nice idea.”
Only a few seconds later did Danny William and Henry sit down and rest, reflecting on their day.
Henry, however, had eaten a lot of food before his day out, which was being converted to gas inside his body. Henry could no longer contain the gases inside him, which he reluctantly released from his body. Danny William, having noticed, whispered to him.
“Did you just fart?”
“Excuse me…”
“Whatever, no one hea—oh butter biscuits, that smells!”
“I don’t think anyone can smell it…”
“Wait…”
Danny William became concerned. A feeling of dread and danger began to cloud him and his friend. He noticed that the forest just behind the bush looked very dark and desolate as if something was hiding there…
He didn’t want to look. But he felt like he had to. Trying to subtly be aware of his surroundings, Danny William slowly reached into the interior of the bush and pushed branches away to reveal what was on the other side. After one second, he noticed something off: it was a figure. A figure that made itself clear by being darker than the surrounding bush. It seemed to be less than 20 feet (five meters) away. But one big indicator it did not have good intentions was its blood-red eyes.
Without thinking, Danny William stood up and looked at the forest behind the bush. Then, he realized that there were many of them, forming a line that was about to start enclosing him and his friend. But he just stood there, doing nothing.
Henry got up and looked at his friend. He tried not to look at anything else but Danny William’s face.
Karma Houdini
Life Story: With 14 I got really into Linux. Into writing scripts with netcat to make servers on my dad's old laptops that can do anything. My Dad, who is the most amazing person in the whole world, got me a job as a joke.
I goddamn did it.
Well, one thing leads to another and on my sixteenth birthday my father tells me:
'John(Fakename), I was saving my ass off for your college fund.' I remember being shocked by him actually saying anything harder than butt or heck. I guess he thought I was a man now or something. 'Your Mom tells me she made you save all that money so we could use the fund as a safety net if anything happened. I convinced your mother that we shouldn't punish you for working hard and saving prudently. Son, I actually tried to write a poem about how proud I am.' I still crack up whenever I remember that line. 'John. We decided that you can use the money you earned ANY WAY YOU LIKE. I'm not kidding, I'll help you in any way I can, so you get your money's worth, but extraordinary achievements need extraordinary rewards, I'm serious.'
My father always brought me to school in an old red Ford Escort.
My life changed when I came to school after Christmas with a V6 Deluxe 2dr Coupe Mustang. Black, with red neon underglow and spinners. I loved Need for Speed Underground 2 and those 2 things were my dream car. My dad and a friend of his MADE the spoiler from aluminum and sprayed the whole thing in two different tones of black as my christmas present, but I payed for the rest with my own money and I was so incredibly proud and confident because of that.
I was made at sixteen and it showed.
Man, I was such an asshole after that. All the girls wanted me.
One girl got me! Let's call her Elsa! Elsa liked buttsex!
And I treated her like crap!
I didn't even notice! I was so up my own ass as well as her's, because I earned money doing stuff I loved and had a lot of kinky sex.
But I respected her not at all. I was always moderately athlethic, because my dad made sure I did enough sports and we would lift small weights while watching movies. That stopped after he met her, because she was always on my ass about doing sports and my dad could tell how she motivated me. Suddenly my dad was the one who made sure I had new Computer hardware and kept up with the news on cyber security.(I owe him everything, he should totally have become a teacher! <3<3<3)
I hated Elsa. I didn't respect her at all. My parents didn't notice, because she was all sweetness with them and I made sure to play the model boyfriend whenever anyone else was around, but one day in college a stranger came up to me out of the blue and told me I was scum for treating her like that and then went over to her and handed her a napkin with a website about abusive relationships.
That was a fucking wake up call if ever there was one! I apologized to Elsa! I did all the right boyfriend things! I wanted to change! I was so freakin depressed about being such an asshole, but in the end I kept doing it.
More than a year of this shit went by when Elsa met my grandpa!
And on the way home called him the n-word and was super pissed with me.
'You have seen my mom!' 'She's a gardener, I thought she was just always tanned! I'm just as brown as her and was jealous how she got paid money to get like that, when I had to drop so much on my tan.'
Oh... OHH!!! Eureka! SHE was the asshole.
I was nice to everyone BUT HER. I only was an asshole when I was alone with Elsa.
And I realized that she was taking me for granted just as much as I used to take her for granted.
A month after that she is begging me to take her back.
I... didn't have sex for a month... But other than that my life was so much better now! I said heck no!
She told me that other men are so much worse in bed.
Yeah... there's limits to principles.
But we didn't live together anymore! And my grand total of two friends have finally introduced me to their other friends, so I had a social life. 'You used to be so fake with her, it was creepy.'
Eventually she confessed that she tried
My bf and his friend have a conversation with me in their sleep
Soo me:15y/o bf:16y/o (we’ll call him cheeseburger) we both agreed not to have sleepovers until I feel comfortable staying the night at someone else’s house besides mine and my best friend’s house so we sleep otp. One night he spent the night at his friends house (we’ll call his friend jellybean) they were about to go to sleep and so was I so we all gts And he forgot to go on mute but after an hour of them sleeping and me trying to sleep I hear jelly bean in his sleep say : I can’t find it cheeseburger
My bf: I think I have it over here
Me: what are yall talking about
My bf and jellybean: BE QUIET YOU DRAGON
Me: excuse me?
Jellybean: hand me the plug
Me:um
My bf: don’t sound so confused you unplugged the sun dragon we have to plug it back in.
After that they didn’t say anything els and I went to sleep. I knew they both slept talked but never them having conversations with each other I knew it’s a common thing but never heard them sleep talk to each other I thought this was just funny and wanted to share a smile if y’all wanna hear more or share just comment ❤️
https://redd.it/1bx6ve9
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Funny Birthday
This is just a short story but I figured someone might find it amusing.
A few days ago it was my birthday, and I guessed everything I was getting, because of a few mistakes my parents made. The first mistake was that my parents mentioned a few months ago that a book from a series I enjoy had just come out, and then on my birthday my parents asked me if I had listened to it because I like audiobooks. I made the connection from a few months ago and my birthday and figured out they must have gotten it. The second mistake is that every year on my birthday they get me an item of clothing that they know I like and need, so I was able to guess that I would be getting that too. The third mistake was that we went to a large retail shop quickly on our way to do something, and i connected to the WIFI, which was when the third gift was revealed to me. The third gift was a new watch, and it was trying to set itself up with my phone, which was the funniest give away to what I was getting.
I imagine most other people know what they are getting because they ask for gifts, but I just like the surprise, so it was pretty funny to me that all of my gifts got discovered before I even saw them wrapped up, which is normally when I guess my gifts (even though I am normally wrong). Also I only got a few gifts because the watch is expensive, but I love it!
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The shit bandits
When i was in 7th grade me and my buddies were at lunch and bored my buddy bought a worlds finest chocolate bar and accidentally left it out in the sun he said it was ruined but I had an idea. I told him to give it to me and he said okay. I then went to the bathroom when we were all done with our lunches. Then after that we went to the bathroom and I went in to the stall and smeared chocolate on the wall chocolate on the toilet and chocolate on the toilet paper. Afterwords we left and a kid walked in I put some on the sink aswell and I was screwed I had it all over my hands. Security was right outside I tried to wash my hands but to no avail. I walked out and said to the security guard. Some one put chocolate on the sink and it’s all over my hands! He didn’t even look at me he just left. It was my first act and not the last. We then went to our classes and went through the day although. I was worried about that kid but that’s besides the point. The next day my buddies were on a band felid trip. But I decided to do it anyway I then walked to the bathroom but then I wrote somthing in chocolate I wrote. The shit dealers never will be caught. Then I walked out a group of kids walked in and I wanted to see there reaction but I left as to not draw attention to myself then I went to class but then I was called to the office. I walked and when I walked in the principal said. Get in my office now! I walked in and sat she looked at me and said. Your buddies told us that you where smearing chocolate on the walls and toilets i thought damn he ratted me out I said I did and she told me to go to class and I have a week of detention. I can say I didn’t learn at all
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My shrinking date
Last week, I had a pleasant date with a guy I met on an app. He had mentioned in his profile that he was 6’0 tall. To my surprise, when we met in person, I ended up being taller than him! I didn't think much of it at the time, but after the date, I decided to glance at his profile again. Lo and behold, he had changed his height to 5’10! Couldn't help but chuckle at the adjustment. Well, buddy, you're not quite there yet, but keep reaching for the stars
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Fragile Canadian White Man
I arrived to find Canada’s Chocolate Orange (from hitherto to be known as: CCO) all smiling and comfortable. Great I thought: an old-hand I can learn from.
I quickly turned from wide-eyed hope to narrow-eyed bemusement when I saw that he was lay-back in his chair flirting with the young women who were administrating the temporary program which we had both been given the chance to work on.
I was asked to sit next to him (interview style in-house thing) and shortly after I did he changed seats to the opposite side 🤔 “bit weird” I thought as I changed to the opposite side, to be next to him as was requested.
Moments later CCO became obsessed when he found out one of our administrators lived in the same City as him, to the extent where he was asking about: ‘a ride home’ literally seconds before we met our first interviewee 😐 this is all rather odd I thought to myself.
When - later on - he abruptly finished an interview with the words: ‘thank you, you’ve been great, I needa go use tha washroom’ and stomped off to the afore mentioned I knew it was party time. It was also then that all of his other idiosyncrasies started to make sense; the constant smacking his tongue loudly against the roof of his mouth, the slouching lay back in his chair whilst conducting interviews, the incessant leg shaking coupled with the occasional leg-cock to expel wind from his anus (yes, whilst fucking interviewing), telling me that he moved to Korea 23 years ago cos: ‘it seemed like an easy place to find a wife’ and that he had sex with his ex-wife 42 times in a week the last time he saw her 😬 pass the oil I then said to myself, this party is cooking.
Speaking of cooking: it was at lunch when Cherry Oh Cherry Oh Baby’s rant about how ‘Canada’s done, Canada’s finished, Canada’s not for the white man anymore’ (whilst again again lay back in his luncheon chair) ((and with rice all over the table and dak-galbi sauce all over his fucking chin). It was then that I realised that Chezza might not be the party animal he himself seemed to profess.
Note* Absolutely no empirical evidence was offered for this claim about Canada not being for the white man.
Note** Cherrance is currently making plans to start drawing his Canadian pension later this year. A pension which he hasn’t actually contributed to for 23 years
It was raining the morning of the next day and I couldn’t get a Kakao taxi for 45 minutes. When arriving 2 mins late I was met with an indignant orange headed whopper stating: ‘I knocked your door at 6:45 !’. You know, rather than the more customary: ‘hey buddy you made it’. I then began to ponder whether Canada not being for the white men anymore means that Canadian white men are now allowed to disregard any and all plurals 🤷🏼♂️ man not only is this dude is off the wall but the party is well and truly over, I screamed to myself in the bathroom mirror at the first available opportunity.
Ched Chocky Orange wasn’t done with his rodeo just yet though. He introduced me to interviewees with the wrong name for the whole of the 3rd day’s morning. Okay, fair dinkum: I did tell the admins about his runner to the bathroom whilst our poor interviewee was 4/5’s of the way through his closing sentence. I think Orange Man thought that might antagonise me to the point of conflict (which he seemed to so desperately desire) but i’m fucked if I’m gonna let being called the wrong name by someone - who didn’t have any problem whatsoever remembering my one-syllable name either of the previous two days - annoy me. Nah, I was more upset when at 2pm he stated: ‘I just wanna get out of here’ even though we had half-a-dozen people left to see. Half-a-dozen highly skilled, tech professionals that have dedicated their lives to their craft. To be evaluated by a man with a head like a dried-up Thunderbirds puppet and a body of similar height and who has explicitly declared he doesn’t want to be there. Nobody ever told me life was gonna be fair though 🤷🏼♂️ right?
Would you even believe me if I told you an interviewee volunteered the
All True
I arrived to find Canada’s Chocolate Orange (from hitherto to be known as: CCO) all smiling and comfortable. Great I thought: an old-hand I can learn from.
I quickly turned from wide-eyed hope to narrow-eyed bemusement when I saw that he was lay-back in his chair flirting with the young women who were administrating the temporary program which we had both been given the chance to work on.
I was asked to sit next to him (interview style in-house thing) and shortly after I did he changed seats to the opposite side 🤔 “bit weird” I thought as I changed to the opposite side, to be next to him as was requested.
Moments later CCO became obsessed when he found out one of our administrators lived in the same City as him, to the extent where he was asking about: ‘a ride home’ literally seconds before we met our first interviewee 😐 this is all rather odd I thought to myself.
When - later on - he abruptly finished an interview with the words: ‘thank you, you’ve been great, I needa go use tha washroom’ and stomped off to the afore mentioned I knew it was party time. It was also then that all of his other idiosyncrasies started to make sense; the constant smacking his tongue loudly against the roof of his mouth, the slouching lay back in his chair whilst conducting interviews, the incessant leg shaking coupled with the occasional leg-cock to expel wind from his anus (yes, whilst fucking interviewing), telling me that he moved to Korea 23 years ago cos: ‘it seemed like an easy place to find a wife’ and that he had sex with his ex-wife 42 times in a week the last time he saw her 😬 pass the oil I then said to myself, this party is cooking.
Speaking of cooking: it was at lunch when Cherry Oh Cherry Oh Baby’s rant about how ‘Canada’s done, Canada’s finished, Canada’s not for the white man anymore’ (whilst again again lay back in his luncheon chair) ((and with rice all over the table and dak-galbi sauce all over his fucking chin). It was then that I realised that Chezza might not be the party animal he himself seemed to profess.
Note* Absolutely no empirical evidence was offered for this claim about Canada not being for the white man.
Note** Cherrance is currently making plans to start drawing his Canadian pension later this year. A pension which he hasn’t actually contributed to for 23 years.
It was raining the morning of the next day and I couldn’t get a Kakao taxi for 45 minutes. When arriving 2 mins late I was met with an indignant orange headed whopper stating: ‘I knocked your door at 6:45 !’. You know, rather than the more customary: ‘hey buddy you made it’. I then began to ponder whether Canada not being for the white men anymore means that Canadian white men are now allowed to disregard any and all plurals 🤷🏼♂️ man not only is this dude is off the wall but the party is well and truly over, I screamed to myself in the bathroom mirror at the first available opportunity.
Ched Chocky Orange wasn’t done with his rodeo just yet though. He introduced me to interviewees with the wrong name for the whole of the 3rd day’s morning. Okay, fair dinkum: I did tell the admins about his runner to the bathroom whilst our poor interviewee was 4/5’s of the way through his closing sentence. I think Orange Man thought that might antagonise me to the point of conflict (which he seemed to so desperately desire) but i’m fucked if I’m gonna let being called the wrong name by someone - who didn’t have any problem whatsoever remembering my one-syllable name either of the previous two days - annoy me. Nah, I was more upset when at 2pm he stated: ‘I just wanna get out of here’ even though we had half-a-dozen people left to see. Half-a-dozen highly skilled, tech professionals that have dedicated their lives to their craft. To be evaluated by a man with a head like a dried-up Thunderbirds puppet and a body of similar height and who has explicitly declared he doesn’t want to be there. Nobody ever told me life was gonna be fair though 🤷🏼♂️ right?
Would you even believe me if I told you an interviewee volunteered the information that they
Eventually, the day arrived. I told my parents about the plan between the principal and me, and before long, I entered the grounds of Jake's house, note and "antivirus" in my pocket, and rang the doorbell.
"Hello?"
"Dan Will, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"Happy birthday, Jake!"
"Thanks, Dan Will."
"I've got you a new antivirus for your birthday!"
"Thanks, I'll get my friend over to test it!"
While I went over to see if there were any sensible friends for me to hang out with, Jake gave Trevor, one of his naughty acquaintances, the "antivirus". I overheard Trevor installing the "antivirus" on Jake's desktop computer. I tried not to get pleased or anything with what was going on, bearing in mind this was a serious operation, but I was able to work out that something was going on. Eventually, I heard it—a soft bang.
Jake's desktop was unable to handle the "antivirus", and, lo and behold, it overheated and exploded. Fortunately, the fire was extinguished within a minute. That's when I heard Jake exclaim.
"I will NOT let my birthday be ruined!"
Looking down the hallway, I decided to run out to the backyard and peek in into one of the windows of Jake's bedroom. I saw an adult, presumably one of his parents or a family friend, walk into Jake's bedroom, carrying a birthday cake. However, after expressing shock at the destroyed desktop computer and tripping over something—either some toy or a piece of debris from the computer explosion—he dropped the cake, which splattered spectacularly on the floor.
The moment I realized what had happened, I pointed at the window and exclaimed, "Surprise!"
Jake and his parents were shocked.
"It's that American kid!"
Without hesitation, I quickly ran into the house and gave Mr. Hallstead's note and gave it to Jake's mom. She read the whole note, which also detailed Mr. Hallstead's plan to and responsibility in foiling Jake's party. When she was done, instead of being angry at me or Mr. Hallstead, she looked at her son in the eyes, his own eyes filling with dread. She told me calmly, "Go Home." Which I did, satisfied our work was done.
Jake was reportedly grounded for two weeks and was not allowed to spend the school term playing rugby (as he usually liked) and he was not getting a desktop computer until the end of our studies that year. Obviously, being a jock that he was, he was angry, and perhaps looked of a way to humiliate me. He did, because of what happened once the two weeks were over.
I walked into a school assembly expecting nothing out of the ordinary. After the typical Catholic prayer, the principal came in and gave usual notices. However, he had a special announcement.
"Now, one of the boys came to me and told me they videoed one of our students doing an amazing song performance. They confirmed we can play this for our assembly, to show how amazing our students can manifest their hidden talents."
A few seconds after he stopped, a video came on... it seemed familiar...
On the first second, I realized: it was the video taken on Anne and Graham's house camera of me dancing in my underwear! And even the music was recorded! Somehow, Jake must have found the video of me dancing to Bob Seger on Facebook and told Trevor about it, who would then lie to Mr. Hallstead about it to try and make it look more suitable to show to the school. And I will never forget the day the school—Mr. Hallstead included—laughed uncontrollably in their seats while I sat down, embarrassed. One of my favorite teachers, Mrs. Schwartz, bent over to me in her fits of laughter and said something I'll never forget:
"Oh Danny William... you're the most amazing little cissy!"
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Unexpected Act
Traversing the rain-soaked streets on my scooter, I found refuge beneath the shelter of a roadside shop. Lighting a cigarette, I welcomed the peaceful patter of raindrops, lost in thought.
Suddenly, a cry pierced the tranquility. I turned to see a girl in distress, grappling with a young man who had snatched her bag. Reacting instinctively, I intervened, causing the thief to stumble.
Amidst the chaos, I realized it was not a real theft but a street play. Laughter replaced the girl's cries, and I found myself caught in the unexpected drama.
Releasing the actor with a sheepish smile, I retreated to the shop, reflecting on the surprising turn of events. In that fleeting moment, I became unwittingly entangled in a simple yet vivid portrayal of city life, a reminder of the unpredictability that often colors our everyday experiences.
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were going to do some more checks to make sure this was necessary. Luckily, after those checks they determined while the recovery would be lengthy, I would be able to heal from this naturally, except for some nerve damage.
After a few days in observation, I was sent home with quite the boat load of medications, and a very strict liquid only diet which was still very difficult to consume. I was given an entire month of leave from the military to help facilitate my recovery, and I did not say a single word during that whole month.
Little did I know, the story of my trip to the ER was spreading around my unit like wildfire, and I'm guessing everyone was told not to talk to me about it because the only people who checked up on me during this month were my superiors.
After the month went by, due to the miraculous healing properties the mouth has, I was able to talk, though there was still quite a bit of pain, and I returned to work.
Now, in the Marines, on just about every Friday the entire unit gets together and does something called a safety brief. We are told important information about things that might affect our weekend, and go over some reminders to not do things like to not "add or subtract from the population." Now at the end of this particular safety brief, I was in for a bit of a surprise. My commanding officer said to everyone, "Now sergeant X (me) is going to come up here and say a few words." I had no idea what was going on, so I slowly walked up next to him in front of about 250 other marines. As I looked at the faces of the marines, many of them were trying their hardest to hold back their laughter. "Sergeant X is going to share with us the procedure on how to properly prepare leftover apple pie."
So I, barely able to talk through the pain had to tell everyone how to NEVER put an unfrozen apple pie in the microwave for more than one minute, and even then to check that the filling does not exceed acceptable temperatures. Throughout my entire speech, everyone, commanding officer and all, were laughing hysterically that this was even a topic that we needed to cover for a weekly safety brief. If one dumbass does it, another is likely to make the same mistake at some point.
So as a moral to this story, please for your own safety, check the temperature of your pies before you shovel it into your mouth. It can possibly save your life.
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In response to earlier magnesium citrate story
I had turned 50 and my Dr. recommended I get 'the procedure' that all men get. I was living in a sober living house at the time with 20 other guys. I was given my magnesium citrate about an hour before night meds. This is important because I absolutely will not sleep without them. I started thinking about the progression of events and got worried that maybe my night meds may be stronger than the laxative. I asked if I could refuse my night meds that night and was told that I would be going against the rules about meds. (it would have been my third strike and I would be be kicked out) I took my my meds hesitantly and anxiously knowing there could be a problem. The meds kicked in just as my belly began gurgling. I passed out.
My worst dreams came true when I come to and woke up around 6 am. Yes, I shat myself. Not just a little shart but a full-blown shit puddle that not only filled the bed, but there was some flowing like a mini-river from the side of the bed.
With the help from an empathetic worker I was able to clean and wash my stuff before anyone woke up.
I thought I got rid of everything when the Dr doing the colonoscopy said I wasn't clean and needed more magnesium citrate. I don't remember a whole lot after that because of the effects of so much of laxative. I do remember pooping, then given something to knock me out. I awoke in the recovery area. I was weak and my bum was sore. I was given be a clean bill of health, I didn't have any problems.
Ok. That is my story. Ask me anything.
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