1990
Hot jokes from /r/Jokes. Discussion: https://telegram.me/r_channels
I recently dropped 15 pounds
Now my friend won’t let me hold his baby.
https://redd.it/1knpwrx
@r_jokes
I always rate girls out 15
Sounds way better when I tell my friends I hooked up with a 7
https://redd.it/1kn8jyf
@r_jokes
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
https://redd.it/1kn765y
@r_jokes
My sex life is like a Ferrari.
I don’t have a Ferrari.
https://redd.it/1kn4inr
@r_jokes
A rich man came home and immediately started shouting at his wife.
"I've been looking at our expenses and they are through the roof! What have you got so much to spend on? From now on, things will need to be different!"
"Different how?" his wife asked.
"Well, for starters, if you learned how to cook, we wouldn't need a personal chef. If you learned to clean, we wouldn't need a maid!" her husband retorted.
She looked at him and responded: "If you knew how to satisfy a woman, we wouldn't need a gardener, a mechanic, and a pool cleaner!"
https://redd.it/1kmz7v7
@r_jokes
Guy gets out of prison, goes right to the nearest whorehouse, and meets the crusty old Madam
She asked what he wants. He says “I haven’t had a woman in 10 years. I don’t want young, I don’t want pretty. I want a tough woman who can put up with a major ass pounding”
The madam says, “Well cowboy, that’s me. Go down the street and get us a 6 pack of longnecks, and meet me in room 7”
The guy buys the beer and goes to room 7. The madam is on the bed, totally naked, on her hands and knees, with her asshole facing the door.
The guy says, “I thought you wanted to have a few beers first.”
She responds, “Well mister, you gotta open them bottles somehow”.
https://redd.it/1kmqcpk
@r_jokes
Two men were guests at a friend's bachelor party. "You know, in America, one in 20 men is gay", said the first man. "Statistically that means one of the guys here is homosexual. Who do you think it is?
" I hope it's Jeff, said the second man, "He's cute".
https://redd.it/1kmioal
@r_jokes
Three men died and went to heaven.
They were asked there how they all died.
The first man said: I was at work, when I got a phonecall from my neighbor. He said that he saw my wife allow a stranger into our house. I drove as fast as I could, searching our house, but I couldn't find anyone there, other than my wife. I got so mad at one point that I went into the kitchen, grabbed our fridge and threw it out the window. However, because of all that, my heart was beating so fast that I got a heart attack.
The second man said: Well, I was at home, just relaxing on a day off. Then I thought to myself "Man, today is such a beautiful day. Clear sky, warm, gentle wind. I will take my dog for a walk". So, I was walking with my dog, when I noticed a weird shadow underneath me. I thought that it must have been just a weird cloud, or something like that. I looked up and I saw a fridge falling right on me.
The third man then said: Well... I was peacefully sitting in a fridge.
https://redd.it/1kmblva
@r_jokes
What’s the difference between weed and pussy
It’s good weed if you can smell it across the room
https://redd.it/1klx8vp
@r_jokes
Asked my kiwi mate "what's a Hindu"?
He said it lays iggs
https://redd.it/1klxmjv
@r_jokes
A father at the church asked a newly wed couple to practice celibacy for a month in order to join the church. After a month they returned and made it known that they had failed
The husband said that he kept strong till day 27 but then his wife dropped a cereal box and when she bent, he couldn't stop himself. The father told the couple that they would be allowed to enter the church. The husband said with a sigh that they weren't allowed to enter the grocery store either
https://redd.it/1klm63v
@r_jokes
A young couple had recently gotten married...
After three months, the wife went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she was pregnant. She was thrilled, but the doctor also informed her that, due to a rare complication, she shouldn't have sex with her husband until after the birth.
She went home and told her husband what the doctor had said. The husband agreed to try and hold out. After a month, the husband couldn't resist anymore and asked his wife to be intimate. Of course, she refused.
Seeing her husband so depressed and sad, the wife called him over and said, "My dear husband, I know you're suffering. Here, take $300 and go to a sex worker to relieve yourself."
The husband took the money and thought to himself, "What a wonderful and considerate wife," opened the door, and went down the stairs, feeling cheerful.
When he reached the first floor, the neighbour's wife saw him and asked, "Why are you so happy?"
He happily told her the whole story. She then said, "Why go looking outside for a sex worker? Give me the 300 bucks, and I'll take care of you."
The man agreed, gave her the money, went into her apartment, enjoyed himself for twenty minutes, and then returned home. His wife saw him and was astonished, asking, "What happened, dear? You came back so quickly; did you change your mind?"
The husband replied, "I went downstairs, and the neighbour saw me. She offered to take the money instead, so that's what I did."
His wife got very angry and said, "What a jerk! When she was pregnant, I did her husband for free!"
https://redd.it/1klgfno
@r_jokes
Why is life like a dick?
It gets hard for no reason.
https://redd.it/1kkxxso
@r_jokes
Life is like having sex..
Sometimes you are top, sometimes you are in the bottom, but you gotta enjoy every fucking moment of it.
https://redd.it/1kl0wc9
@r_jokes
Amber Heard has given birth to twins.
In breaking news she has admitted that Charlie Sheen is the twins father. In a statement she has said the kids will be raised by their father, and will take his name. She agreed the children should be Sheen and not Heard.
https://redd.it/1kku6ih
@r_jokes
Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box
https://redd.it/1knjgts
@r_jokes
So, imagine a guy named Curtis.
Curtis was no ordinary man. You see, he was MAGICAL. Nearly omnipotent.
One day, Curtis decides to make use of his power, and he takes a marker, and a trillion sheets of paper. On each sheet he draws an E as large as he can.
Every time you did someone a favor, or just a nice thing one of these would show up in your pocket.
Tip your waiter, hold the door for someone, you’d get one of these.
Ooh boy, when people figured THAT out, these things had value.
Everyone was doing nice shit!! So much nice shit, eventually the market became flooded with these magical sheets of paper. Soon enough, they lost their value.
And still to this day, whenever you do the right thing you’ll get one of these sheets. But, it’s just another common Curtis-E.
https://redd.it/1kn6n0c
@r_jokes
A man walks into Home Depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees.
The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!"
The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!"
The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option, this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!"
The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!"
The employee apologizes, "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!"
Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!"
The employee says, "OK sir, let me have a look at the saw."
The employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole store. The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks, "What the hell is that sound?!?"
https://redd.it/1kn7z07
@r_jokes
As a kid, I had a bad stutter, and one day I was trying to tell everyone Nanna had passed away, but as I was telling them ...
... they all started singing Hey Jude.
https://redd.it/1kmv28x
@r_jokes
Why is the comments section on pornhub so active?
People love mass-debating.
https://redd.it/1kmtx7a
@r_jokes
f(x) walks into a bar
The bartender says "sorry, we don't cater for functions".
https://redd.it/1kmfz1e
@r_jokes
An 85-year-old man wants to go golfing, but he's legally blind.
He's still in great physical shape and loves to golf, but he can never see where his ball goes.
A woman in the pro shop tells him that her dad is 95 and loves to golf, but all of his friends are too old or have passed away.
"He's *ninety five* and still golfs?"
"Yep! Do you want me to set you guys up? He would love to shoot nine holes with you."
A date is arranged and the two old men meet on the first tee. The 85 year old blind man tees off first and smashes his drive down the fairway, but quickly loses sight of the ball.
"Did you see where it went?" he asked the 95 year old.
"Yep!"
"Where did it go?"
"...."
"I said where did it go?"
"I don't remember..."
https://redd.it/1km2mr8
@r_jokes
In their small town, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old.
They were both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age. The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man: "I hear you are 102!"
"That's correct." said the old man with a smile.
"Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!"
"Thank you." Said the old man humbly. "Do you mind if I ask - how am I this healthy at my age?" finished the old man, "Help me carry this wood back home and I'll tell you."
The visitor agreed and they make their way inside.
"You see," said the old man, "I've been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 km. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I've been running 5 km almost every day for 75 years! That's why I'm in the great shape I am."
"But if that's the case," said the puzzled visitor, "How come your wife is in such great shape too?"
"Well," smiled the old man, "She usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole 5."
https://redd.it/1km7kmc
@r_jokes
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having a cake day is the best way to gain Karma."
https://redd.it/1klp4ia
@r_jokes
Why are hurricanes commonly named after women?
Because when they come they are wet and wild, and when they go they take your house and car
https://redd.it/1klrr04
@r_jokes
How many turban wearing men does it take to change a light bulb?
Sikhs.
https://redd.it/1klkehj
@r_jokes
I was going to post a joke about a pig having sex with a flat earther…
But it’s sow fucking stupid.
https://redd.it/1kl0it5
@r_jokes
An old Indian joke, let's see how well it translates
A Hindu and a Sikh were sitting next to each other on a train. (Background info: Hindus are typically vegetarian while Sikhs eat meat.)
The Hindu wanted to open the window, but couldn't do it. The Sikh reached over and opened it for him, and said "you know, if you ate some chicken once in a way, you would get some strength."
Then, he wanted to move his seat forward, but couldn't do it. The Sikh moved it for him, and again said "you know, if you ate some chicken once in a way, you would get some strength."
A couple hours later, as the train was approaching the station, the Hindu was playing with the emergency chain, hitting it back and forth. The Sikh, thinking he wanted to pull it, reached over and pulled it for him, and said "you know, if you ate some chicken once in a way, you would get some strength."
The siren went off and the train made an emergency stop. The conductor came to see what was going on and the police soon arrived.
The Hindu said to the Sikh, "you know, if you ate some rice once in a way, you would get some brains."
https://redd.it/1kl591r
@r_jokes
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to him.
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to him.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog" and they are on duty during the flight.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is."
"I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says,
"Now, just you watch this."
He tells Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says,
"Good boy Sniffer"
Then he turns to the man and says,
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the police will arrest her when we land."
The first man looks amazed and says,
"Say, that is really pretty cool."
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer off to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns
to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
This time the agent tells the man,
"That guy is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
Even more impressed by this, the man says,
"Now that's pretty cool, I like it!"
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to cr@p and p!ss all over the place, while all the time whining loudly and repeatedly touching the agent's arm.
The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent,
"Jeez pal, what's the hell is going on?"
The agent nervously replied,
"He just found a bloody bomb!"
https://redd.it/1kkxhap
@r_jokes
I bombed my test to become the safety coordinator at a nuclear power plant
They asked me “What are the steps you’d take if a reactor coolant alarm when off?”, and apparently “Very large ones” wasn’t the answer they were looking for.
https://redd.it/1kkqzrl
@r_jokes