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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide...
Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back?
#mortality
Little Sally was digging a hole in her backyard when her neighbor asked what she was doing.
"I'm burying my pet bird", Sally said.
Her neighbor asked: "Isn't that an awfully big hole, for such a little bird?"
Sally replied: "Yeah, except he's inside your fucking cat."
#mortality
My dad used to beat me while playing chess...
Because I'd always win.
#other
Clinton spent $48 million on not becoming President of the United States.
I spent 60p and got the same result, except I now have a Mars bar.
#politics
I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs.
She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."
#illness
Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon.
You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over all the pieces, shit on the board and strut around triumphantly.
#religion
Thank fuck the American election is over for another four years.
Now the rest of the world can go back to hating it's own politicians.
#politics
If Trump is the answer it must be a fucking stupid question.
#news
Can't believe the final season of "America" starts tomorrow!
#politics
Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?
The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.
#politics
I woke up this morning and saw my wife sobbing on the edge of the bed.
"What's the matter, dear?" I said and sat up beside her.
"You came in last night extremely drunk and said how much you hated me and the kids," she cried.
Utterly shocked, I said, "I can assure you, sweetheart, that I wasn't drunk."
#other
'A fool and his money are soon parted'.
It's not going to happen to me, I gave it to my wife to look after.
#other
Our greatest fear is dying alone.
Which is why I intend to take quite a few people with me.
#mortality
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
#mortality
"Sorry" seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel".
#racism
My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."
At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"
"Give me an example," she replied.
"Well, while I was fucking you last night, I was thinking about your friend."
#sexandshit
The Japanese flag is actually just a pie chart about how many of them are scared of Godzilla.
#racism
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
#other
I'm hosting an African-themed party tonight.
There's no food and the drinks are twelve miles away.
#other
This blind man with a beautiful woman stopped me in the street.
"Excuse me, sir, are you Korean?"
"No," I replied. "Why?"
"Well, would you mind holding my dog for five minutes while I fuck this prostitute?"
#sexandshit
What do Donald Trump and the iPhone 7 have in common?
They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.
#politics
If a woman ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread, mayo and cheese.
Her instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.
#sexism
Her: Come over, Joseph!
Stalin: Can't, I'm sending people to Gulag.
Her: My parents aren't at home.
Stalin: I know.
#other
I was sat with my girlfriend's dad as she was upstairs getting ready, when the embarrassing photos made an appearance.
"Here she is in the bath. She hates me showing this to anyone."
He just looked at me and said, "Fuck off out of my house."
#sexandshit
Whats the difference between your mother and a bowling ball?
I can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
#sexandshit
A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?”
The other man responds, “You are on the other side of the river.”
#other
Did you know pigeons die after they have sex?
At least the one I fucked did.
#mortality