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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
If there is no God
Who keeps getting my wife pregnant?
#religion
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.
#sexism
I actually fully support the women's march.
It's about time the fat bitches got some exercise.
#sexism
Why did Van Gogh become a painter?
Because he didn't have an ear for music.
#other
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.
#other
My new neighbor is fat, obnoxious, and loud.
Now I know how Canada feels.
#racism
At job interviews I always say that I gave the best years of my life to the prison service.
It's better than saying I've spent most of my life in jail.
#crime
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
#sexandshit
When she screams "deeper!"...
But you're all out of poems.
#other
Does anyone know which page in the Bible it explains how to turn water into wine?
#religion
I didn't realize how cold it was outside today...
...until I saw socialists with their hands in their own pockets.
#politics
You know the best thing about having a penis?
You get to share it with people who don't.
#sexism
There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly
Where you just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
#other
My father died on 9/11... I can still remember his last words on the phone to me...
Allahu Akbar
#religion
I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...
Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
#mortality
I always carve a heart with a woman's initials into a tree on the first date...
It's the most romantic way to show her you have a knife.
#crime
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
#mortality
Pessimist: Oh, this can't get any worse!
Optimist: Yes, it can!
#other
Why do white people own so many pets?
Because we’re not allowed to own people anymore.
#racism
Lets be honest. The only reason most people are watching the Trump inauguration is to see if he is shot.
#politics
If you ask me what my favorite rock band is and I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who.
If I was being objective, I'd say it was The Whom.
#other
I'm afraid of dying alone...
So I became a bus driver.
#mortality
In all seriousness though, people should not make rape jokes, its Islamaphobic.
#racism
I don't like telling jokes about Muslims.
A lot of them have a very short fuse.
#racism
My girlfriend said that I could pick a couple of my favourite fantasies for some roleplay to spice things up.
So now I need a new girlfriend, but at least I ticked snuff and necrophilia off my bucket list.
#sexandshit
Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.
For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt.
#other
If you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married...
Find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.
#sexandshit
At the liquor store:
"Hey, do you need help?"
"Yes, but I come here instead."
#other
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters
So Trump can't tweet it
#politics
My sister in law sat on my glasses and broke them.
I suppose it's my fault really, I should have taken them off first.
#sexandshit