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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I sat next to a tramp on a park bench today. "It was only last week that I had it all," he said, "A chef to cook my food, cleaners to do my cleaning and wash my clothes and a nice warm roof over my head."
"What happened?" I replied, "Drugs? Gambling? A woman?"
"No, I was let out of prison."
#crime
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.
The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.
They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.
They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"
"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"
#racism
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.
They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.
#politics
With the UK leaving the EU, the union has some free space.
Exactly 1GB.
#politics
I regret joining the gym recently.
Leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds.
#politics
Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
The first few chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.
#other
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.
Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
#other
After giving birth to my daughter, my wife said, "I hope you'll always love me, and only me."
I said, "It's too late, I already do love someone and she looks just like you."
"Aww, our daughter?"
"No, your sister."
#sexandshit
A guy dies and wakes up on a beach. Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
#religion
Just had to have a chat with my son about masturbation earlier today, I told him it's completely natural, everybody does it,
And he should knock before coming into my room...
#sexandshit
What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?
Miscarriage.
#sexandshit
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies "I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
#politics
'Gay man in Nigeria given 40 lashes'
I bet he looks fabulous now.
#sexandshit
Whats the difference between racism and Asians?
Racism has many faces.
#racism
If Mary, James, Peter, Richard, David and John are all in separate vehicles, travelling at a constant speed of 60mph, in a forward direction with no obstacles, at which point is Mary likely to stamp on her brakes and cause a fucking accident?
#sexism
How many Brits does it take to change a broken lightbulb?
None. They just move out of the house.
#politics
The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial.
The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going.
#other
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd... "
#religion
A four year old girl has shot and killed her four year old cousin in America. The NRA have said this tragedy could have been avoided if the victim had been allowed her own gun and was given the chance to defend herself.
#crime
Here's a couple of things that I've learned about vasectomies.... Firstly they don't work! And secondly, they make your baby come out black!
#sexandshit
I visited America last month and decided to soak up some of the culture.
A shop keeper said "Have a nice day!"
I didn't.
So I sued him.
#other
A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night. The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.
When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.
The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: "SUPPLIES".
#racism
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole. She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
#sexandshit
How you can tell if a black woman is pregnant?
Her husband has fucked off.
#racism
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.
"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
#illness
Michael Jackson once sang, 'It don't matter if you're black or white.'
So true.
Unless of course, you're black.
#racism
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
#sexandshit
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children.
Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
#other
I'd tell you a great time travel joke...
but you didn't like it.
#other