15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
How much coke can Charlie Sheen do?
Enough to kill two & a half men.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Four men are in a hospital because their wives are having babies.
A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.” The man says, “That’s crazy, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.” The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.” The man says, “That’s also crazy, I work for the 3M Company.” The nurse tells the third guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets.” The man says, “That’s also crazy, I work for the four seasons hotel.” The last man is freaking out and banging his head against the wall. The nurse asks him, “What’s wrong? Trying to get a headache?” He replies, “No, I’m doomed! I work for 7UP.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
How do cops like their coffee?
Black with a couple of shots in it.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
History teacher asked: What comes before B.C.?
Me: A.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My grandpa once said, “When I was a kid, you could go to the store with $2 and come home with a loaf of bread, a jug of milk, 2 candy bars and a cold drink.”
“Now, they have cameras.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A man and a woman CAN be just friends without there being any sex involved...
...It's called marriage.
#other
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Why would T-Rex have a hard time playing the piano?
They're extinct.
#other
@Sickipedia
I’m trying to find a place where I’m considered tall.
You know. Somewhere I be long.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman on the bus just asked me “do you have any pets?”
“A goldfish” I said.
She then asked “any hobbies?”
I replied “he likes swimming.”
#other
@Sickipedia
Poll question - do you think you're a horse?
No comments please, just yay or neigh.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My son asked me what that thing on the back of a racecar is called.
I told him, I can't tell you because it's a spoiler.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
People these days are so judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
#other
@Sickipedia
What is Jesus’ least favorite sport?
Lacrosse.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Getting a haircut is sort of like having sex
You never want to hear someone say "uh oh" during it
#other
@Sickipedia
Apparently there are 3 marriage rings
The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I saw a couple cows smoking as they played poker
I guess you could say the steaks were high
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Whats the difference between a worker and a scientist?
How they pronounce "unionized"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.”
I went in as Batman.
#other
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“I see,” Said the blind man as he peed into the wind, “it’s all coming back to me now.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
How do you make 7 even?
Take away the S.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I call it an elevator, but my British friend calls it a lift.
I guess we were just raised differently.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why are prisoners virgins?
Because they are incels.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
...especially because his name is Steve
#roats
@Sickipedia
A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.
A doctor comes in and says, "Congratulations! But unfortunately, since this is a new procedure, your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."
The man says to the doctor, "Okay, what are they?"
The doctor says, “Well, first there's the engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's the astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally, there's the politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce."
The man looks at the doctor, surprised… “that's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?"
The doctor turns to him and says, “Sir, do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"
#politics
@Sickipedia
Me and my friends started a band. We’re called 999 megabyte.
We still don’t have a Gig
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Never hire someone named Peter as your file manager.
Because it's an outdated profession, we have computers to do that now.
#other
@Sickipedia
My girlfriend got a shitty haircut and she’s crying.
I don’t know what she’s crying about, I’m the one that has to get a new girlfriend.
#other
@Sickipedia
Nothing worse than after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging there. Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started!
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they just compliment it and get pissed that it won’t screw.
#other
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