15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Shrek was cursed by an evil witch...
The curse forced him to be unable to speak without singing.
Unsure of what to do, Shrek visited Juan the Wizard in the neighboring swamp. Juan told Shrek he'd need to make a potion from toadstools, eye of newt, and the bones of the freshly deceased.
Shrek said he could handle the toadstools and eye of newt but he refused to kill an innocent person to solve his problem.
Juan understood and said that for a modest fee he would break into the nearby morgue and steal one for him. Shrek agreed.
The following day Juan the Wizard delivered as promised. After he left, Shrek began to prepare the potion in a large cauldron. Just as he was about to add the cadaver, Donkey burst through the door.
Mortified, he screamed, "Shrek! What the hell is that?"
Shrek turned and sang, "Some body Juan stole me."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Doctor: Your wife is in hospital.
Husband: How is she?
Doctor: She's critical!
Husband: Yeah you get used to that.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Two old men are sitting in a bar.
One of them looks at the other & says
“You look familiar… where you from?”
The second old man replies “Ireland”
The first old man looks astonished & says
” No way I’m from Ireland myself, what a small world!”
The second old man then looks at the first “What city?”
The first old man says “Dublin?”
The second old man looks astonished
“No way I’m from Dublin meself! What a small world.”
The first man looks at the second old man “What school you go to?”
The second old man replies
“Saint Mary’s class of 89”
The first old man is absolutely baffled
” NO WAY Saint Mary’s class of 89 myself! What a small world!”
At this point, another man comes into the bar & says to the bartender
“Hey, Joe! Anything interesting going on?”
The bartender says
“Not really… but the Murphy twins are drunk again.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
What do the minimum wage and the age of consent have in common?
If it weren’t for the law a disturbing number of people would be comfortable going lower.
#other
@Sickipedia
I want to tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Kids are like grizzly bears
You can't run, fight, or hide - all you can do is pretend you don't see them and hope they leave you alone
#other
@Sickipedia
A soldier shows up for military training but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.
The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.
"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab'. Now get moving."
The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts "Bangity bang-bang!" the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts "Stabbity stab-stab!" and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.
So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and occasionally "Stabbity-stab-stab", until eventually he realizes he's the last man standing.
He's feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.
The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, "Bangity-bang-bang!"
But the other soldier doesn't go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.
The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, "Bangity bang-bang!"
But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!"
But to his dismay, nothing works.
Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.
He stands over the fallen soldier and says:
"Tankity tank-tank."
#other
@Sickipedia
Last Christmas my mom bought me a t-shirt saying, 'I'm a nudist.'
I haven't worn it yet.
#other
@Sickipedia
I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken and met a girl dressed as an egg
An age old question was answered, the chicken
#other
@Sickipedia
A couple just had their first son, the husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife half Chinese and half Italian both wanted to have their son's name reflecting their heritage. After much argument they decided on the name...
Ravi O'Lee.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
“May ya live as long as ya want, and not want for as long as ya live” is an Irish toast.
“Bread, cinnamon, eggs, and maple syrup” is a French toast.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
— Sooo, did Danny like his birthday presents?
— Not really.. he got excited and destroyed all the gifts with a hammer. RC car, electric train, the dollhouse, the wristwatch.. almost everything.
— Oh no!.. Did he destroy my present, too?
— No. Your fucking hammer is not damaged.
#other
@Sickipedia
What happens when Bruce Willis overdoses on viagra?
He Dies Hard.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My father owned a coal company, but mostly kept it to himself.
He mined his own business.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What do you get when you rub two oranges together?
Pulp Friction.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What does a terrorist say when feeding their baby?
Here comes the plane!
#other
@Sickipedia
What is another name for Anal Bleaching?
Changing your Ringtone
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was invited to my friend's wedding last week.
When I reached the venue, I found two doors with "bride's guests" written on one and "groom's guests" on the other.
I entered the one that said groom's guests and found two more doors, for men and women this time.
I went through the one that said men, only to find two more doors. These ones had the signs "people with gifts" and "people without gifts".
I went through the second one and found myself outside the venue through the backdoor.
#other
@Sickipedia
Did you here about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine before his root canal?
His goal: Transcend dental medication.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A 15 year old girl goes out with her friends
She says to her mom: "Mom! I'm going out with my friends." Mom: "OK, don't forget to wear protection" Her: "Mom, I'm 15!"
Mom: "I'm 30"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma", he said to his Mother, "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance."
Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one", said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow", exclaimed David, "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her", she replied.
#other
@Sickipedia
A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.
The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts." The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.'
After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?" The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."
#other
@Sickipedia
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
First soldier: “Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?” Second soldier: “No way, Jose!”
First soldier: “Whyever not?” Second soldier: “It’s against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on!’
She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems.
"Hmm", said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, "Here try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Jane said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."
#other
@Sickipedia
My wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A man goes in for a prostate exam...
The man takes off his pants and the proctologist goes, "I can't believe I'm about to say this, it's completely unprofessional, but I have to say... You must have the nicest ass I've seen in my entire life!"
The man timidly responds, "thank... you?"
Doc goes, "mind if I numb it a bit before the procedure?"
Man says, "uhh, okay?" The doctor takes a deep breath, leans in and goes, "num num num num num num."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that
I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
#other
@Sickipedia
I asked my mom If I was an accident.
She said, "No, of course not. Your brother was the accident. You were a mistake".
#roast
@Sickipedia
In english, they have a word that roughly translates to "i'm surrounded by water, but I'm still breathing" and i think that's beautiful.
Scuba.
#other
@Sickipedia