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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Me and my friends started a band. We’re called 999 megabyte.
We still don’t have a Gig
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Never hire someone named Peter as your file manager.
Because it's an outdated profession, we have computers to do that now.
#other
@Sickipedia
My girlfriend got a shitty haircut and she’s crying.
I don’t know what she’s crying about, I’m the one that has to get a new girlfriend.
#other
@Sickipedia
Nothing worse than after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging there. Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started!
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they just compliment it and get pissed that it won’t screw.
#other
@Sickipedia
What's the difference between a cougar and a leopard?
A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.
A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.
#worpdlay
@Sickipedia
Dentist: "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
Patient: "I heard you the first time. You didn't have to say it twice."
Dentist: "I didn't. That was my echo."
#other
@Sickipedia
It's always so awkward when you're watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on
Really ruined my family's screening of Backdoor Anal Sluts 5.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My buddy said he's ambidextrous.
I said that must be pretty handy.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman is milking a cow when an angry bull busts loose and goes charging across the field straight for her.
A farmhand sees what is happening and starts yelling and waving his arms to warn her. The bull is charging, the farmhand is screaming his head off, but the woman just keeps milking the cow. At the last moment before she is trampled and gored, the bull checks up, lowers his head, and skulks off in another direction while she keeps on milking.
Seeing this, the astonished farmhand runs up and says, “Wow! I thought you were dead for sure! Weren’t you afraid of that bull?”
And she says, “I would have been, but this cow is his mother in law.”
#other
@Sickipedia
My wife gazed at me and bit her lip seductively.
Unfortunately it was her top lip so she just looked like a piranha.
#other
@Sickipedia
Leonardo DiCaprio, sitting on a park bench, watching a 26 year old girl walking by
he says, "I bet she was a looker in her day"
#other
@Sickipedia
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do.
And for the people who like country music, denigrate means "put down".
#other
@Sickipedia
Do you think Pavlov thought about feeding his dog every time he heard a bell ring?
#other
@Sickipedia
What's the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant?
one is pho profit and the other is naan profit
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
People these days are so judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
#other
@Sickipedia
What is Jesus’ least favorite sport?
Lacrosse.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Getting a haircut is sort of like having sex
You never want to hear someone say "uh oh" during it
#other
@Sickipedia
Apparently there are 3 marriage rings
The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My friend: "Bro, you want this pamphlet?"
Me: "Brochure"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I paid $500 for a belt
It was a huge waist
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The sweet thing my wife says every time after sex:
Happy Birthday!
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I walked into the bottle-o, the guy behind the counter asked, "Do you need help?"
I replied, "Yes, but I will take the Whiskey instead."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Today, my optometrist told me that my prescription had worsened significantly.
I did not see that coming.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What game do most of us play during working hours?
Call Of Duty
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Did you hear uber have a new food delivery service via catapult?
Uber yeets
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My religious girlfriend keeps going on about how God is everywhere. But one day I caught her out.
During some energetic sex I accidently thrust into the wrong hole causing her to scream out
“Oh GOD not in there”.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Strong people don't put others down.
They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
#other
@Sickipedia
The Englishman says “I will die for honor.”
The Frenchman says “I will die for liberty.”
The Spaniard says “I will die for God.”
The Russian says “I will die.”
#russians
@Sickipedia
Me: "I am so tired of this workout."
Trainer: "that was the tour of the gym”
#other
@Sickipedia