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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I've changed my name legally to become complete a new person
But they always ask me for my first name, doesn't matter wherever I go!
#wordplay
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How do you make a cow go "woof"?
Cover it in petrol and set it on fire.
#other
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Name a vegetable that begins with Q
Cucumber
#wordplay
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"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"
"Help! I was hunting in the woods with my friend, and he suddenly dropped dead for no reason! Oh my God, I'm freaking out!!"
"Calm down, sir, we'll get you through this. The first thing we need to do is make sure that your friend really is dead."
"All right, hold on a second."
BLAM!
"Okay, now what?"
#oldbutgold
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How much coke can Charlie Sheen do?
Enough to kill two & a half men.
#oldbutgold
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Four men are in a hospital because their wives are having babies.
A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.” The man says, “That’s crazy, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.” The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.” The man says, “That’s also crazy, I work for the 3M Company.” The nurse tells the third guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets.” The man says, “That’s also crazy, I work for the four seasons hotel.” The last man is freaking out and banging his head against the wall. The nurse asks him, “What’s wrong? Trying to get a headache?” He replies, “No, I’m doomed! I work for 7UP.”
#oldbutgold
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How do cops like their coffee?
Black with a couple of shots in it.
#wordplay
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History teacher asked: What comes before B.C.?
Me: A.
#wordplay
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My grandpa once said, “When I was a kid, you could go to the store with $2 and come home with a loaf of bread, a jug of milk, 2 candy bars and a cold drink.”
“Now, they have cameras.”
#oldbutgold
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A man and a woman CAN be just friends without there being any sex involved...
...It's called marriage.
#other
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Why would T-Rex have a hard time playing the piano?
They're extinct.
#other
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I’m trying to find a place where I’m considered tall.
You know. Somewhere I be long.
#wordplay
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A woman on the bus just asked me “do you have any pets?”
“A goldfish” I said.
She then asked “any hobbies?”
I replied “he likes swimming.”
#other
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Poll question - do you think you're a horse?
No comments please, just yay or neigh.
#wordplay
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My son asked me what that thing on the back of a racecar is called.
I told him, I can't tell you because it's a spoiler.
#wordplay
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A sign in a restaurant window reads, "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win a million dollars."
A man walking by notices the sign and walks into the restaurant, sitting down with a smirk. The waiter asks for his order, and the man requests "white rhinoceros stew." Surprisingly, the waiter returns with a steaming bowl of exactly that. The man, taken aback, eats the expensive meal and leaves angrily after paying.
The next day, he returns with the same smirk and orders "bullet ants stuffed with dolphin meat." The waiter promptly brings him his requested dish. Once again, the man, surprised, eats his meal, pays, and leaves in frustration.
On the third day, he sits down and asks for "a lactating mermaid breast sandwich." After a few minutes, the waiter returns with two large duffle bags containing one million dollars. Ecstatic, the man exclaims, "I knew it! You don't have mermaid breast!"
The waiter politely responds, "We actually do, sir. We just ran out of bread."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Each day thousands of people arrive in our country. They don't have any useful labor skills, they don't even speak the language.
They basically sap on our already scarce resources and eventually they will get our jobs.
Babies are completely useless!
#other
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I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
#wordplay
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I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger the other day. Since I know he's into computer stuff, I asked him if he was planning on upgrading to Windows 11.
“No,” he replied, “I still love Vista, baby!”
#wordplay
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I was fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
#wordplay
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I saw a couple cows smoking as they played poker
I guess you could say the steaks were high
#wordplay
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Whats the difference between a worker and a scientist?
How they pronounce "unionized"
#wordplay
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My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.”
I went in as Batman.
#other
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“I see,” Said the blind man as he peed into the wind, “it’s all coming back to me now.”
#wordplay
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How do you make 7 even?
Take away the S.
#wordplay
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I call it an elevator, but my British friend calls it a lift.
I guess we were just raised differently.
#wordplay
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Why are prisoners virgins?
Because they are incels.
#wordplay
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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
...especially because his name is Steve
#roats
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A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.
A doctor comes in and says, "Congratulations! But unfortunately, since this is a new procedure, your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."
The man says to the doctor, "Okay, what are they?"
The doctor says, “Well, first there's the engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's the astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally, there's the politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce."
The man looks at the doctor, surprised… “that's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?"
The doctor turns to him and says, “Sir, do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"
#politics
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Me and my friends started a band. We’re called 999 megabyte.
We still don’t have a Gig
#wordplay
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