15217
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What was George Washington’s presidential campaign slogan?
Make America
#wordplay
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“Doc, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.
#wordplay
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Leather is rated based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have soft hides, rated "A".
But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically "D" hide-rated.
#wordplay
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A wife says to her husband: “If I knew you’d be broke I wouldn’t have married you!”
Husband: “But I told you that you’re the most valuable thing in my life!”
#wordplay
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I don't really get amateur porn
After I have sex, I usually think "at least nobody saw that."
#sexandshit
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Someone stole my car last night but left their mobile phone in the parking space.
Went from Kia to Nokia overnight.
#wordplay
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My wife absolutely hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.
Personally, I'm on the fence.
#wordplay
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A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, "I shaved down there; you know what that means?"
The husband responds, "Yeah, the drain is clogged."
#other
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Professor X: What’s your mutant superpower? New X-Men recruit: Hindsight Professor X: That won’t help us at all
Mutant: Yes, I can see that now
#other
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A guy goes to the doctor in a distressed state. He pulls down his pants and bends over and there piece of lettuce sticking out of his asshole.
The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "Ugh, that's nasty!"
Man, "Sorry Doc, but that's just the tip of the iceberg"
#wordplay
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I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: "Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!"
She was watching our wedding video again.
#oldbutgold
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What music genre do scissors not like?
Rock
#wordplay
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A guy wakes up with a massive hangover and stumbles into the kitchen, where he finds his wife.
“Hey, honey, did you upgrade the bathroom?” he asks.
“Why do you ask?” she replies, curious.
“Well, I opened the bathroom door, the light turned on by itself, and a cool breeze blew right into my face! It was amazing!”
His wife glares at him and says, “So you’re the idiot who pissed in the fridge last night!”
#other
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With great power comes a huge electric bill.
#wordplay
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My Grandma just discovered Kanye West and she loves him.
She's so excited. And I told her "look. I get it. He makes amazing music and he's really talented. But he's said a lot of bad things about black people and some horrible things about Jews." And she replied "Wait. He makes music? "
#other
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The doctor told me my prostate was good.
I was deeply touched.
#wordplay
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If a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls, they call him a stallion.
If a stallion sleeps with a bunch of girls, they shut that riding school down.
#sexandshit
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What is a man, mansplaining to another man called?
A podcast.
#other
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what's the worst 2 things to hear during a prostate exam?
"enter as strangers, leave as friends"
#wordplay
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What do you call twin police officers?
Copies.
#wordplay
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Did you all hear about the guy that died in a coffee factory? He fell into a vat of hot coffee.
He didn’t suffer though. It was instant.
#wordplay
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A man poked his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long until I can get a haircut?"
Glancing at the full shop, the barber replied, "Around 2 hours." The man left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
#other
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What’s the difference between a newly married man, and a newly single man?
The one kisses the Mrs.
The other misses the kisses.
#wordplay
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"Will you marry me?" Is a marriage proposal
"Will, You, Mary, Me" is a foursome proposal
#wordplay
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What do you get when you cross Keanu Reeves with Kanye West?
A Neo Nazi.
#other
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A reporter heard that a man in town was turning 101 years old and went to interview him. He asked him "What's the secret to your long life?"
The old man said "The secret to long life is clean living: never drink alcohol, never smoke, never use foul language."
Just then they heard a commotion and string of expletives coming from the foyer. "Who's that?" the reporter asked.
"Oh, that's just my older brother coming home drunk from the cigar shop again."
#other
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How do you say non-binary in Italian?
Non-binaro or non-binara, based on gender
#other
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Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
#wordplay
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I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It's an oughtobiography.
#wordplay
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Recently my Girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back
And I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
#wordplay
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