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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I call it an elevator, but my British friend calls it a lift.
I guess we were just raised differently.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why are prisoners virgins?
Because they are incels.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
...especially because his name is Steve
#roats
@Sickipedia
A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.
A doctor comes in and says, "Congratulations! But unfortunately, since this is a new procedure, your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."
The man says to the doctor, "Okay, what are they?"
The doctor says, “Well, first there's the engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's the astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally, there's the politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce."
The man looks at the doctor, surprised… “that's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?"
The doctor turns to him and says, “Sir, do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"
#politics
@Sickipedia
Me and my friends started a band. We’re called 999 megabyte.
We still don’t have a Gig
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Never hire someone named Peter as your file manager.
Because it's an outdated profession, we have computers to do that now.
#other
@Sickipedia
My girlfriend got a shitty haircut and she’s crying.
I don’t know what she’s crying about, I’m the one that has to get a new girlfriend.
#other
@Sickipedia
Nothing worse than after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging there. Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started!
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they just compliment it and get pissed that it won’t screw.
#other
@Sickipedia
What's the difference between a cougar and a leopard?
A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.
A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.
#worpdlay
@Sickipedia
Dentist: "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
Patient: "I heard you the first time. You didn't have to say it twice."
Dentist: "I didn't. That was my echo."
#other
@Sickipedia
It's always so awkward when you're watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on
Really ruined my family's screening of Backdoor Anal Sluts 5.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My buddy said he's ambidextrous.
I said that must be pretty handy.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman is milking a cow when an angry bull busts loose and goes charging across the field straight for her.
A farmhand sees what is happening and starts yelling and waving his arms to warn her. The bull is charging, the farmhand is screaming his head off, but the woman just keeps milking the cow. At the last moment before she is trampled and gored, the bull checks up, lowers his head, and skulks off in another direction while she keeps on milking.
Seeing this, the astonished farmhand runs up and says, “Wow! I thought you were dead for sure! Weren’t you afraid of that bull?”
And she says, “I would have been, but this cow is his mother in law.”
#other
@Sickipedia
My wife gazed at me and bit her lip seductively.
Unfortunately it was her top lip so she just looked like a piranha.
#other
@Sickipedia
I’m trying to find a place where I’m considered tall.
You know. Somewhere I be long.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman on the bus just asked me “do you have any pets?”
“A goldfish” I said.
She then asked “any hobbies?”
I replied “he likes swimming.”
#other
@Sickipedia
Poll question - do you think you're a horse?
No comments please, just yay or neigh.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My son asked me what that thing on the back of a racecar is called.
I told him, I can't tell you because it's a spoiler.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
People these days are so judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
#other
@Sickipedia
What is Jesus’ least favorite sport?
Lacrosse.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Getting a haircut is sort of like having sex
You never want to hear someone say "uh oh" during it
#other
@Sickipedia
Apparently there are 3 marriage rings
The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My friend: "Bro, you want this pamphlet?"
Me: "Brochure"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I paid $500 for a belt
It was a huge waist
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The sweet thing my wife says every time after sex:
Happy Birthday!
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I walked into the bottle-o, the guy behind the counter asked, "Do you need help?"
I replied, "Yes, but I will take the Whiskey instead."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Today, my optometrist told me that my prescription had worsened significantly.
I did not see that coming.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What game do most of us play during working hours?
Call Of Duty
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Did you hear uber have a new food delivery service via catapult?
Uber yeets
#wordplay
@Sickipedia