13644
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I was told to describe myself I one word in a job interview...
I said, "bad at following simple instructions."
#other@Sickipedia
A man walks onto the campus of Yale University. He walks up to a student and asks "Where's the bathroom at?"
The student responds haughtily, "Here at Yale, we're taught not to end a sentence with a preposition."
The man realizing his terrible unforgivable mistake corrects himself, "Where's the bathroom at asshole?"
#other@Sickipedia
My girlfriend is a lumberjack.
Well, technically she’s my ax-girlfriend.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My son said his excellent pull out game is in his genes.
I told him to wash his jeans separately going forward.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in jail now.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A woman takes a pregnancy test and it comes back positive. She looks at her husband and says
Your kid in me!
#wordplay@Sickipedia
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day, and it still didn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
Did you know that having too much sex can lead to memory loss?
I read that in Men's Sexual Health Magazine Volume 6, Issue 17, Page 71 on August 24th, 2015 at 8:46 AM
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
When I get a headache, I take 2 asprin and
Keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife and I were having an argument and she threw a wheel of cheese at me!
I'm like "wow, that's really mature"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I asked my wife if sex is a chore to her.
"Not really," she replied. "Chores make me feel satisfied afterwards."
#other@Sickipedia
The first French Fries weren’t cooked in France.
They were cooked in Greece.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
How does a hippy polygamist count his wives?
One, Mrs. Hippy, two Mrs. Hippy...
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My children simply refuse to eat their vegetables. I have finally worked out what to replace them with.
Rabbits. Rabbits love eating vegetables.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
An atom was crying so I'm like "hey little guy what's the matter?"
With tears running down its face it replied, "Well...I am."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
As a child, I thought body hair was gross
But it later grew on me
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Two very old ladies are driving along and one says to the other, "Did you just run a stop sign"?
She replied, "Oh Shit! Am I driving"?
#other@Sickipedia
I'm always frank with my sexual partners.
Don't want them knowing my real name.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I don't know how I always end up with weirdos for my first date.
Like for the most recent one for example, we were at a fancy restaurant and everything was going so well. But right before we started eating, she out of the blue asked me to have sex with a short girl. To be exact, she said, "Bone a petite." I had to leave.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
After many years of marriage, I think my wife still finds me sexy.
Everytime I go past her in the house she says, "What an ass."
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
Somebody scraped off all of the letter ‘F’s from my keyboard.
Now two of the keys look like Shit.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don't understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes,he likes swimming.
#other@Sickipedia
Why do Mormons stop having children after 25?
Because 26 is just too many.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I just had a near-sex experience...
My wife flashed before my eyes.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I was grocery shopping one Sunday after church when a rude woman cut in front of me in line. I was about to confront her when I remembered the day’s sermon where the Pastor spoke about treating each other more like God would. So instead I followed her home and killed her first born son.
#religion@Sickipedia
After the start of my colonoscopy the upset doctor commented “hey wait… you were supposed to prep yesterday with the colon cleansing solution!” Left with no choice but to lie I replied, “doc, I promise I did. I drank it all up!”
He replied “Yeah well… you’re full of shit”.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Anytime we’re driving and I see a bunch of cows I always say: Look a flock of cows!
One of the kids: herd of cows dad
Me: course I’ve heard of them, there’s a flock of them right over there!
#wordplay@Sickipedia
How do you lose 10 pounds eating a piece of cake?
You just have to get your cake in central London.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
There was a man who, unfortunately, lost both of his testicles in a freak accident.
Life had been rough for him, but luck took a strange turn when he was fast-tracked into a government job under the disability quota.
On his first day, he showed up bright and early at the government office. As he approached his new supervisor’s desk, the supervisor glanced up, raised an eyebrow, and noticed that the guy didn’t seem to have any apparent visible disability.
“Ah, you’re the new guy. Welcome!” said the supervisor, shuffling some papers around. “Now, if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly is your…uh… disability?”
The guy sighed, a little embarrassed, but he replied honestly, “Well, I lost both my testicles in an accident.”
The supervisor gave a sympathetic nod and then thought for a moment. “I see. Well, in that case, why don’t you join us from tomorrow, but you can start work at noon after lunch?” he suggested.
The man was puzzled. “Noon? But why?” he asked. “Look, I know the official work hours start at 9 am, and just because I’m disabled doesn’t mean I can’t pull my weight. I don’t need pity!”
The supervisor leaned back in his chair and chuckled softly. “Oh, no, no, it’s not about pity,” he said. “It’s just that, you see, we’re government officials. And from 9 am to noon, we do nothing but sit around scratching our balls. What will you do?”
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
What’s 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat, and 2/4 goat?
Chicago.
#wordplay@Sickipedia