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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!

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The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.

Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate John, you fucking loser

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My family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra.
We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard.

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My son’s teacher thinks my son has a low IQ judging by his homework.
That’s absurd! My son is perfectly normal! I did his homework.

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My wife texted me this morning and said, “Your great”. I replied, “No, you’re great”. She’s been in a great mood ever since.
I should correct her grammar more often.

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Wife: "I can't believe you went to a prostitute to have sex."
Husband: "What did you expect? We'd been doing nothing for months..."

Wife: "You could have told me you were willing to pay."

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

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Whenever I tell someone I slept like a baby they always seem pleased.
I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming and covered in my own piss.

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Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.

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What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is quite heavy and the other is a little lighter.

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Why do they say "Amen" instead of "A woman" at the end of songs at church?
Because they are hymns, not hers.

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I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He said no.

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What do you call a fruit that magically shows up?
A pear.

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How do you call a mexican that lost his car?
Carlos

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The nurse hands a man his newborn and says: "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
He responds: "Well then give me the one my wife made!"

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I tried phone sex once,
but the holes were too small.

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I asked my wife to rate my listening skills yesterday... she said: "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"...
... I still don't know why she told me to urinate on a skeleton!

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In other news, Bill Nye’s daughter, Dee, has come out as a flat earther and anti-vaxxer. She’s even started an organization to help support her “research.”
The Dee Nye Science Foundation

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Once there was a king that was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

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A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

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I told my doctor "I broke my arm in two places"
Doctor says "You probably shouldn't go back to those places"

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Over 20% of automobile accidents in Northern Ontario are caused by moose.
I say don’t let them drive.

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Why do astronauts use Linux?
Because you can't open windows in space

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I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked:

"I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!"

To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation."

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I found a book called 'How to solve 50% of your problems'.
So I bought 2 of them.

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Sheepdog says to farmer: "I got all 50 sheep in the pen!" Farmer says to dog: "But I only have 46 sheep."
Sheepdog says to farmer: "I know, I rounded them up."

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The coffee shop had a sign that said "No WiFi, pretend it's 1973!"
So, I paid 10¢ for my coffee and lit a cigarette.

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What 11-letter English word is always pronounced incorrectly?
Incorrectly.

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Why is 9 afraid of 3?
Because he was squared of him

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My wife asked me, "is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"
"no, it's just you."

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I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.

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Netanyahu, while visiting the United Nations, overheard chants of "free Palestine!"
He thought to himself, "What a bargain!"

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