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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
An Amazon driver stopped and asked me what time it was today.
I told him it was between 9am and 3pm.
#other@Sickipedia
Who was the least guilty American president?
Lincoln. He's in a cent.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife said she would leave me if didn’t stop making jokes about European cities.
I’m determined not Toulouse her.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Doctor said the bad news is that my organs are all shutting down since I've only been eating dried, salted meats
But the good news is that I'm cured.
cured meat - вяленое мясо
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.
Finally my school karate classes became useful.
#other@Sickipedia
My professor farted in front of the whole class today
I would have preferred a private tutor
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I told my date I didn’t like her talking about her late boyfriend
She told me she’d stop whenever I start showing up on time.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I'm furious that I can't write out 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.
In fact, I M LI VI D.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I couldn't help but notice the help wanted sign outside the bar."
"Our piano player unexpectedly died last week," says the bartender, "so we've been looking for a new one on short notice."
"Well, the timing seems to have worked perfectly!" says the guy. "I got fired from my job a week ago, and I don't like to brag, but I consider myself a pretty good piano player. I even wrote a few songs."
The guy sits down at the piano and starts to play a song.
"That's a very nice song you're playing," says the bartender.
"Thanks," says the guy. "I call it 'I Just Threw Up on my New Shirt'. It's the first song I ever wrote." Then he starts to play another song. "Of all the songs I've ever written, this is my favourite. I call it 'Holes in my Underwear'."
"I'm willing to hire you on one condition," says the bartender. "When you play your songs, don't announce the titles." The guy agrees to the condition and is hired.
A few days later, the guy is playing the piano at the bar. After finishing a song, he gets up to use the bathroom. When he comes back, everyone in the bar stares at him in shock. For a moment, there is complete silence.
Finally, someone says, "Do you know your fly is open?"
"Know it?" comes the reply. "I wrote it!"
#other@Sickipedia
Me: "Dad, do you know the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?"
Dad: "No."
Me: "So it was you."
#other
@Sickipedia
My wife said she is divorcing me saying that I was to un-American.
Saw it coming from a kilometer away.
#other
@Sickipedia
Why does ten plus ten equal eleven plus eleven?
Because ten plus ten equals twenty and eleven plus eleven equals twenty too
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My friend told me that he never heard of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity before today.
I said, “It’s about time!”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I asked my GF if she likes 6 inch or 12 inch
She got offended and said it is a matter of personal choice. Going to Subway for a sandwich can be difficult.
#other
@Sickipedia
A customer in an Italian restaurant is so pleased with his meal that he insists on telling the chef personally. The owner proudly leads him into the kitchen. “Your pizza is superb,” the customer tells the chef. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.” “Naturally,” the chef says. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!”
#other
@Sickipedia
My girlfriend dumped me while going up in an elevator.
It hurt me on many levels.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My doctor told me that I was going deaf.
That news was hard to hear
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender points to a sign that says, "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks them to leave. They head out without a word.
The next day, a horse walks in. Same deal—bartender points to the sign, and with a long face, the horse leaves.
The following day, a chicken walks in. The bartender points to the sign again and says, "Sorry, no jokes served here."
The chicken, annoyed, asks, "Fine, but where can I get a drink?"
#other@Sickipedia
Cigarettes are like Linkin Park
It starts with one
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I met a girl who said she wouldn’t date me because I used a dumb phone.
So I texted her back 222666666555066655022999333333.
#other@Sickipedia
not sure about the original version of this joke, but the working one is 22266666655506665502299933, which is COOL OK BYE
What's black and white and red all over?
A nun caught watching porn.
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
I warned my friend to not play Russian Roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
I went to the hairdressers and said, “Can I have a haircut like Tom Cruise?”
So they gave me a cushion to sit on.
#other@Sickipedia
Helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative?
Sure, but what does "ternative" mean?
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
I was watching some vintage porn last night when my wife walked in. That was a shock...
I didn't even know she used to work in the porn industry
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
The punchline comes before the joke.
You know why I hate time travel jokes?
#other
@Sickipedia
I am on a train and the guy collecting tickets wants to charge me extra because he heard me telling dad jokes
I told him that's not fare!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
How do you circumsize a Redneck?
Kick his sister in the chin.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My math teacher said I was just average
That's mean
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why is there a K instead of a C in "dark"?
Because you can't c in the dark.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia