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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I took a urine test at the hospital this morning.
My kleptomania is really pissing people off.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My wife told the therapist, “I’m sick of him taking everything literally.”
Therapist, to me: Do you know what she means?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror".
Then I can say to people "Look, it's a terrorwrist!"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
In other news, Bill Nye’s daughter, Dee, has come out as a flat earther and anti-vaxxer. She’s even started an organization to help support her “research.”
The Dee Nye Science Foundation
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Once there was a king that was only 12 inches tall...
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I told my doctor "I broke my arm in two places"
Doctor says "You probably shouldn't go back to those places"
#other@Sickipedia
Over 20% of automobile accidents in Northern Ontario are caused by moose.
I say don’t let them drive.
#other@Sickipedia
Why do astronauts use Linux?
Because you can't open windows in space
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked:
"I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!"
To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I found a book called 'How to solve 50% of your problems'.
So I bought 2 of them.
#other@Sickipedia
Sheepdog says to farmer: "I got all 50 sheep in the pen!" Farmer says to dog: "But I only have 46 sheep."
Sheepdog says to farmer: "I know, I rounded them up."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The coffee shop had a sign that said "No WiFi, pretend it's 1973!"
So, I paid 10¢ for my coffee and lit a cigarette.
#other@Sickipedia
What 11-letter English word is always pronounced incorrectly?
Incorrectly.
#other@Sickipedia
What does 6.9 and a vagina have in common ?
They're good things ruined by a period.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do supportive fathers and unsupportive fathers have in common when they have a trans daughter?
“I have no son.”
#other@Sickipedia
I named my daughter after my mother-in-law.
Raving Psycho will soon be a year old.
#roast@Sickipedia
The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.
Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate John, you fucking loser
#other@Sickipedia
My family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra.
We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My son’s teacher thinks my son has a low IQ judging by his homework.
That’s absurd! My son is perfectly normal! I did his homework.
#roast@Sickipedia
My wife texted me this morning and said, “Your great”. I replied, “No, you’re great”. She’s been in a great mood ever since.
I should correct her grammar more often.
#other@Sickipedia
Wife: "I can't believe you went to a prostitute to have sex."
Husband: "What did you expect? We'd been doing nothing for months..."
Wife: "You could have told me you were willing to pay."
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
Whenever I tell someone I slept like a baby they always seem pleased.
I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming and covered in my own piss.
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is quite heavy and the other is a little lighter.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Why do they say "Amen" instead of "A woman" at the end of songs at church?
Because they are hymns, not hers.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
He said no.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What do you call a fruit that magically shows up?
A pear.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
How do you call a mexican that lost his car?
Carlos
#wordplay@Sickipedia