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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
An old couple are sitting in church when the old woman turns to her husband and says “I just let out a silent fart what should I do?”
The Husband says “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
#oldbutgold
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A woman is playing with her one year old baby. “You’re so lucky… you slept, you ate, you played, you pooped, and then you slept again.”
Her husband’s voice from the bathroom: “Hey, it’s my day off!”
#other
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A guy is walking around town when he sees a bar with a sign advertising "All the Beer You Can Drink for $1!"
He thinks that's a great deal so he goes in, sits down, hands the bartender a dollar, and asks for a beer.
"Sure, right away" says the bartender as he pulls out a tiny shot glass and fills it up halfway.
The man is stunned. "What the hell is this?" he asks.
"That's all the beer you can drink for $1."
#other
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Chinese takeout: $10. Tip: $2. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
Riceless.
#wordplay
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Recently my Girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back
And I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
#oldbutgold
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They say during Sex you burn as many calories as running 5k race
Who runs a 5k in less than a minute?
#sexandshit
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Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.
Einstein: “Tell me what you need. I’m here to help.”
Wife: “I just need two things right now: some space and time.”
Einstein: “Ok, so what’s the second thing?”
#wordplay
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Do you know how long fish should be cooked?
Probably the same as short fish.
#wordplay
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What do you call a shitty poem?
Pooetic
#wordplay
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What becomes shorter when you add two letters?
Short
#wordplay
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A woman came up to me and hit on me right in front of my wife.
She told me I was handsome and that I smell nice, asked me what kind of cologne I was using.
I said thank you, my wife bought it for me. It's called "leave-me-the-fa-cologne."
#wordplay
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I've discovered the secret to happiness. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or cheat on my girlfriend. Do you know what I do instead?
I lie.
#other
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He gently slid her panties to one side...
So the rest of her socks would fit in the drawer
#other
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If cardboard had a favorite sport, what would it be?
Boxing
#worpdplay
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Cop pulls over a man and says
“You were driving on the wrong side of the road.”
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit??
#other
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What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
#wordplay
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My favorite sex position is the JFK
It's when I splatter all over her face as she screams and tries to get out of the car.
#sexandshit
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I always get asked why I only sing when the car is in reverse.
I always tell them that it's because I'm a backup singer.
#wordplay
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What is the worst insult you can say to a ghost?
Get a life!
#wordplay
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I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
#oldbutgold
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A woman breaks up with a man with a small penis. His friends were amazed he didn't seem hurt or phased by the breakup.
It's okay," he said. "I wasn't that into her."
#wordplay
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Programmer's handbook for seniors - The Old Man and the C.
#wordplay
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
then Soviet
#wordplay
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I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down.
I told him that’s not funny, but he said it was an inside joke.
#wordplay
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Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism ! It’s a light sentence but it gives them time to reflect!
#wordplay
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Teacher: What’s the chemical formula for water? Student: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Teacher: How did you get that?
Well yesterday you said it was H to O
#wordplay
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My girlfriend called and said to me in a sexy voice “You should come over, no one is home”. So I went over….
No one was home.
#other
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I don’t know why some people complain that games have too much LGBTQ+ content these days.
Every game you’ve ever played has come out.
#wordplay
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I accidentally handed my girlfriend the glue stick instead of the chap stick.
She still isn’t speaking with me
#oldbutgold
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Orion's belt is a huge waist of space.
#wordplay
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