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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
After the start of my colonoscopy the upset doctor commented “hey wait… you were supposed to prep yesterday with the colon cleansing solution!” Left with no choice but to lie I replied, “doc, I promise I did. I drank it all up!”
He replied “Yeah well… you’re full of shit”.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Anytime we’re driving and I see a bunch of cows I always say: Look a flock of cows!
One of the kids: herd of cows dad
Me: course I’ve heard of them, there’s a flock of them right over there!
#wordplay@Sickipedia
How do you lose 10 pounds eating a piece of cake?
You just have to get your cake in central London.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
There was a man who, unfortunately, lost both of his testicles in a freak accident.
Life had been rough for him, but luck took a strange turn when he was fast-tracked into a government job under the disability quota.
On his first day, he showed up bright and early at the government office. As he approached his new supervisor’s desk, the supervisor glanced up, raised an eyebrow, and noticed that the guy didn’t seem to have any apparent visible disability.
“Ah, you’re the new guy. Welcome!” said the supervisor, shuffling some papers around. “Now, if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly is your…uh… disability?”
The guy sighed, a little embarrassed, but he replied honestly, “Well, I lost both my testicles in an accident.”
The supervisor gave a sympathetic nod and then thought for a moment. “I see. Well, in that case, why don’t you join us from tomorrow, but you can start work at noon after lunch?” he suggested.
The man was puzzled. “Noon? But why?” he asked. “Look, I know the official work hours start at 9 am, and just because I’m disabled doesn’t mean I can’t pull my weight. I don’t need pity!”
The supervisor leaned back in his chair and chuckled softly. “Oh, no, no, it’s not about pity,” he said. “It’s just that, you see, we’re government officials. And from 9 am to noon, we do nothing but sit around scratching our balls. What will you do?”
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
What’s 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat, and 2/4 goat?
Chicago.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Did you know that diarrhoea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans!
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, Long, a man from Anchorage, opened his door to find two serious-looking Alaska State Troopers standing before him.
"Mr. Wilkens, we regret to inform you that we have news regarding your wife," one trooper began.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens blurted out, anxiously.
The troopers exchanged glances. One spoke, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Bracing himself, a pale Mr. Wilkens responded, "Give me the bad news."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife's body in Kachemak Bay this morning."
"Oh no!" gasped Wilkens.
After a moment, he gathered himself and asked, "So, what's the good news?"
The trooper explained, "Well, when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six large Dungeness crabs attached to her. We're confident you’re entitled to a share of the catch."
Stunned, Wilkens asked, "If that's the good news, then what's the fantastic news?"
With a straight face, the trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow."
#other@Sickipedia
My wife said it was my turn to put the baby down.
so I was like "You stupid ugly baby you suck at everything!"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
A guy hired a blind prostitute
He pulled down his pants and put his dick in her hands
She: "Sorry, I don't smoke!!"
#sexandshit@Sickipedia
My wife prepared a list of 33 items I needed to get from the market. She warned me not to forget a single thing.
I forgot the shopping list
#other@Sickipedia
Three friends decided to bet each other 100 pounds on who could make their wives scream more during sex.
They all went home to have sex with their wives and make them scream. The next day the met up again.
The first friend said, "I made love to my wife for two hours and she was screaming for at least one-and-a-half hours."
The second friend countered, "That's nothing. I started licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and a half-hour after that."
Then the third friend said, "That's pathetic. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming..
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia
I told my cat that I’m going to teach him to speak English
He looked at me and said “me? How?”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years. The dentist asked me when I last flossed.
I told him “bro, you were there!”
#other@Sickipedia
I asked out my crush and she told on me to the principal
I got fired
#other@Sickipedia
How do you make number one disappear?
You add a G and it's Gone
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The first French Fries weren’t cooked in France.
They were cooked in Greece.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
How does a hippy polygamist count his wives?
One, Mrs. Hippy, two Mrs. Hippy...
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My children simply refuse to eat their vegetables. I have finally worked out what to replace them with.
Rabbits. Rabbits love eating vegetables.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
An atom was crying so I'm like "hey little guy what's the matter?"
With tears running down its face it replied, "Well...I am."
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Why did the trans man no longer eat veggies after coming out?
Because he knew he wasn't a her before.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My niece calls me her ankle
I started calling her my knees
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Had to take my son to the ER because he swallowed a toy train.
Doc said he bit off more than he could choo.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
What does a stoner with arthritis say when he can’t pick up his weed?
“Agh, my joints!”
#wordplay@Sickipedia
My buddy and his girlfriend role played as famous dictators in history
Now it's all he thinks about when he Caesar
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The secret to a long life is to wake up every morning and…uh…uh, that’s about it.
~ George Burns
#other@Sickipedia
A termite walks into a bar and asks
"is the bar tender?"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
Two male deer walk out of a gay club.
One turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there!"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
I never understood why childbirth is called delivery.
It should have been called takeout instead.
#wordplay@Sickipedia
How does the potion master please his girlfriend?
Elixir
Explanation: "elixir" sounds like "he licks her"
#wordplay@Sickipedia
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
#oldbutgold@Sickipedia