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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gaelic.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man walks into the doctor's office with an apple in his ear and a banana up his butt.
Doc, I don't feel very good, says the man.
I see your problem right here, says the Doc. You're not eating properly.
#other
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I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
#other
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The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in one language is priceless.
#other
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Why can't a nose be 30 cm long?
Because then it'd be a foot
#wordplay
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I got thrown out of a Hindu temple for saying YOLO
#other
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I dated a dolphin for a while until she broke up with me.
We just weren’t clicking.
#wordplay
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Adding an extra 's' to the word needles is needless.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says.
The guy says he’ll do anything for his boss. "Ok then, take this plastic cup, go into the bathroom, jerk off, and bring it out."
Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.
The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out."
The Mafia leader hands him a new cup. So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out tired with much less in the cup than the first time. This routine goes on for three more times. The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one last time."
He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom. The guy is barely able to walk and drags himself out of the bathroom. He comes out and there's hardly a tiny drop in the cup.
The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Paulie, I want you to take my daughter to the movies and bring her back.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
What's the worst part about sitting in traffic?
Drivers constantly yelling at you to stand up and get off the road.
#other
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My wife caught me sucking in my stomach while standing on the bathroom scale. "Ha! That’s not going to help" She said. "Sure, it does" I said...
It’s the only way I can see the numbers!
#other
@Sickipedia
You might think the lead singer is in charge of the band, but it's really the guitarist who is pulling all the strings.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I'm only ever sick on work days, thanks to my weekend immune system.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Supposedly 30% of the world's population lets their pets sleep in bed with them.
I'm really upset though, because I tried it yesterday and now my goldfish is dead.
#other
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"No thanks, I'm a vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you a baby.
#oldbutgold
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I fell asleep in church but got up when I heard the preacher say, "Stand up!" And when I did, the whole congregation burst into applause.
Then the preacher said, "Thank you, Kathleen! And who else loves God enough to donate $2,000?"
#other
@Sickipedia
Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same day, but get messed up - the Pope goes to Hell and Clinton goes to Heaven.
Next day they swap places, and the Pope mentions "I am so excited, have always wished to see Virgin Mary", on which Bill comments "sorry pal, you are a day late".
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
What did the doctor say when the patient wanted to do their own stitches?
Suture self.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Women tell me I’m like ‘The Beatles’ of lovemaking, because I’m half dead and only appealing to the elderly.
#other
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Life is full of complications, even when you’re born there’s a string attached.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I met my recently divorced friend for a beer last week.
Obviously, I asked him how the divorce went.
"She got the best lawyers in the country, so I lost my kids, my house, my car and my dog," he said. "I have to pay half of my paycheck in child support and the other half in alimony. She gets most of my 401(k), and I even had to hand over my family's heirlooms. But I can't complain."
"Oh, so there's a bright side to all of this?"
"No, the settlement also says I can't complain."
#other
@Sickipedia
What did the extraterrestrial say to the bottle of water?
Take me to your LITER!
#wordplay
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My SO likes to Play "All Star" During Sex
Well, they start coming, and they don't stop coming
#wordplay
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I keep forgetting my password so I changed it to "incorrect"
Now if I forget it I just put in anything and it says "your password is incorrect".
#other
@Sickipedia
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. "
What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him — he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
#other
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I'm having a hard time getting the yoga instructor I hired online to leave my house...
Every time I ask them to leave, they just say “namaste”
#wordplay
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When Google turned 25 years old, Leonardo DiCaprio switched to Yahoo.
#other
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After you’ve finished a case of beer, both you and the beer are drunk.
#wordplay
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My wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
#other
@Sickipedia
I prefer porn with subtitles, so that I can figure out what the animals are saying.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia