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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Someone asked me if Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump?
That's like comparing apples to oranges.
#wordplay
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I love the way the earth rotates
It makes my day
#wordplay
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My grandpa died because we couldn’t remember his blood type.
He kept telling us to "be positive." It’s really tough without him.
#wordplay
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A blind girl said I have a big di*k.
Turns out, she was just pulling my leg.
#wordplay
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R.I.P. boiling water.
You'll be mist.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A guy was working on his job, then his boss asks him:
-"Have you ever seen a Penguin?"
-"I have never seen one", the guy replies
-"HOW IS IT THAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE? GO TO HUMAN RESOURCES RIGHT NOW!"
The guy goes to human resources:
-"Hello, why are you here?"
-"My boss sent me here because i have enever seen a penguin"
-"HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? YOU ARE FIRED"
The guy, now sad and unemployed, goes to his house
-"Why are you here so early?" his wife asks
-"They fired me" the guy replies
-"How so?" says his wife
-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me because i have never seen a penguin"
-"YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN?" asks his wife in shock and disbelief
His wife divorces the guy and leaves the house, he is left living with his son
-"Why did mom divorce you?" his son asks
-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then your mom left me because i have never seen a penguin" he replies
-"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, HOW IS IT THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? I AM NO LONGER YOUR SON!"
The son kicks him from the house and now he's homeless, the next day, a police officer asks him
-"Why are you here in this situation? last week you had a great family and a good job and a big house"
-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house because i have never seen a penguin"
-"YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? SIR YOU ARE UNDER ARREST! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to talk to a lawyer and have him present with you while you are being questioned. If you cannot afford to hire a lawyer, one will be appointed to represent you before any questioning, if you wish one"
The guy is sent to court to decide his sentence, the judge asks
-"Why are you here sir?"
-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house and i got arrested because i have never seen a penguin"
The judge, in disbelief says -"HOW COME YOU NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN, YOU HAVE A LIFE SENTENCE NOW"
Now the guy, unemployed, divorced, homeless and with a life sentence goes to prison, in prison his cellmates ask him how he got in prison
-"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested and got a life sentence because i have never seen a penguin"
His cellmates in rage ask him -"WHY YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN? WE'LL GIVE YOU A LESSON" then they lynch him and he dies.
In heaven, Saint Peter asks him -"How did you die?"
He replies -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested, got a life sentence and got killed by my cellmates because i have never seen a penguin"
Saint Peter says "HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN?"
The guy goes to hell, there, the devil asks him -"Why are you here?"
The guy responds -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested, got a life sentence, got killed by my cellmates, and go to hell because i have never seen a penguin"
-"HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A PENGUIN" says the devil, them the guy gets thrown into a bottomless pit, much later, he reaches the bottom, there is another guy down there named John and John asks him -"Why are you here"
The guy replies -"My boss sent me to human resources and they fired me, then my wife left me, and my son kicked me from the house, got arrested, got a life sentence, got killed by my cellmates, then go to hell, and then et thrown into this bottomless pit with a bottom"
-"Why" asks John
-"Because i have never seen a penguin"
-"Me neither".
#other
@Sickipedia
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly…
and for the same reason.
#roast
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Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays
Back in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.
#wordplay
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What’s the worst thing to say in an elevator?
"It's a good thing they don't have metal detectors at the entrance".
#other
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On the first day of Trevor's freshman year in college, his English professor asked the students to state their names and one interesting fact about themselves.
Trevor said, "My brother and I know the definition of every single word in the English language."
A wave of laughter rolls through the auditorium. The professor raised her hands to the students. "Is that so?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am, absolute truth."
She wrote the word supercilious on the board. "OK, Trevor, what does this word mean?"
He looked at the board for a moment and said, "That's one that my brother knows."
#other
@Sickipedia
A pregnant woman is in the hospital and she starts screaming, “Couldn’t, wouldn’t, don’t, won’t!” The nurse asked the doctor, “Is she losing her mind?”
The doctor replied, "No, those are just contractions."
#wordplay
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"How did you find the steak?" the waiter asked
I said "it was super easy, it was right next to the potatoes."
#wordplay
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Why can’t a leopard hide?
Because he’s always spotted.
#wordplay
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They tried to kick me out of my yoga class the other day...
But I just told them "Nah'm'a stay."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A an army Colonel is newly assigned command of a unit. On his first day, he walks by a park bench with an armed private standing guard next to it.
The Colonel asks, "son, why are you standing guard by this bench?"
"I wouldn't know, sir," answers the Private. "The Sergeant assigned a guard duty for it, and today is my shift."
So the Colonel goes and finds the Sergeant, and asks him, "Sergeant, why do you have a private guarding the park bench?"
"Captain's orders, sir," answers the Sergeant. "I have been ordered to assign a guard detail around that bench, so each day a different private stands guard."
Intrigued, the Colonel visits the company HQ and asks for the Captain. "Captain, why did you assign a guard duty to the park bench?"
"Sir," answers the Captain, "this has been a standing order by your retired predecessor, ever since he took command of this unit six years ago. All I know is that on his very first day, he walked past that bench, briefly rested on it, and then, as soon as he reached HQ, his first order was to ensure that bench remains unused. We had armed guards posted to it ever since. Shall the guard be removed, sir?"
"No," answers the Colonel, "keep the guard until we find the reason for it, it could be important."
After two months on the job, the Colonel took some leave, and travelled to the retirement home where his predecessor, now an old, crusty retired General, spends his days. "General," asks the Colonel, "do you remember why there is an armed guard assigned to the park bench where you sat six years ago, on the first day of your assignment to the unit I'm now in command of?"
The General stands dumbfounded for a moment, then asks, "YOU MEAN THE PAINT STILL HASN'T DRIED?"
#other
@Sickipedia
You have to be pretty brave to undergo transgender surgery
That shit takes balls
#wordplay
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I've always wanted to start a company called "Thank You for Calling How May I help You"
Then my receptionist will have to answer the phone like "Thank you for calling Thank You for Calling How May I Help You, how may I help you?"
#wordplay
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What is the sexiest instrument to play?
A Bagpipe - The ladies have got to respect a man who can blow, finger, and squeeze all at the same time!
#sexandshit
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An old man is at passport control in Paris. He is going through his bag for his passport which he can't find. The irritated woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'
'Yes' replied the old man.
Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time'
'Impossible!!' she bellowed.
The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D-Day on 6th June 1944, I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman to give it to'
#other
@Sickipedia
Yall want a pack of dead batteries?
They‘re free of charge!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What did the body wash say to the guy entering the shower?
Hi, Gene!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Two medieval knights meet and have a chat in an extremely muddy camp
After a short while, one of them says: "I believe a person's lying in the mud. I appear to be standing on someone's leg."
The other replies: "Now that you mention it, what I thought to be a rock under my feet appears to be someone's armoured torso."
"I think it might be your knight-in-training John. I guess he's passed out drunk again "
"Looks like you're right. How terrible!"
"An unfortunate situation indeed. But it could be worse."
"How do you mean?"
"The youngsters had quite a party last night, there could easily have been more than one lying here for us to stand on."
"You're right. At least we're on the same page."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man who owned a sausage factory was showing his arrogant asshole son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer and look down his nose at everything.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."
The son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
#roast
@Sickipedia
I'm a social vegetarian.
I don't like meat-ing people.
#wordplay
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Today I found out that there are breeds of fish with no eyes
Or rather, breeds of fsh
#wordplay
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My daughter came and asked me "what's gays?"
I said "they are men who love other men"
Then she asked "what's penetrating gays?"
"Uuuh can you read me the whole sentence?"
"He stared at me with a penetrating gaze"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What is a little known fact about foot fetish guys?
They won't switch to the metric system
#wordplay
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Dave got called to the directors office...
"Dave we have to make some cutbacks, either Jack or Sarah has to be laid off"
"This is really hard" Dave says "Sarah is my best worker but Jack has 3 kids to support"
The director gives him a day to think about it.
Later that day he calls Sara to his office "Sarah I've got a real problem. I've got the either lay you or Jack off"
Sarah thinks for a moment "you should probably jack off. I'm on my period"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Ben and Josh were playing Call of Duty when there parents came charging into the living room...
Dad shouts "You boys play that darn thing way too much, get your arses outside and play! I don't want to see you two until teatime"
He kicks the boys outside then turns to his wife. "Alone a last" he says unbuttoning his trousers. His wife gives a wicked smile and removes her top.
A few minutes later walking down the street Ben turns to Josh. "I can't believe we got kicked out of our own livestream"
"I know" says Josh looking at his phone. "But you should see the views we're getting".
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Men should make coffee for their wives, according to the Bible.
Refer to Hebrews.
#wordplay
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