13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A man was mending his roof, when suddenly an elderly messy man showed up on his lawn, yelling to him "Sir, would you get down please".
The man, not wanting to have to climb down and up the ladder again, yelled back, "What's the matter, sir?"
The old man replied, "Just get down here first!" The man thought for a second, and being the polite man he is, climbed down the ladder.
The old guy, "Can you please spare me some money?"
The man, after thinking for some moment, said, "Come with me."
He climbed up the ladder, with the old man following him. When both of them were already up on the roof, the man said to the old man, "No."
#other
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I like my coffee like my women
Secretly alcoholic.
#wordplay
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My German friend dropped me off at the airport and said: "Gute Fahrt!"
I replied: "I don't smell anything, must have been you. Thanks for the ride!"
#wordplay
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What exam do 100% of women fail?
A prostate exam.
#wordplay
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One day, 50 politicians were flying across the country in an airplane when
the plane started to experience mechanical problems. The plane crashed in a remote rural area. It took an hour for the first police car to arrive at the scene.
There was an old farmer was sitting on his tractor beside the wreckage. The police man got out of his car and looked inside the smashed fuselage. To his surprise, it was completely empty. He asked the farmer, "Where are all of the politicians who were on the plane?"
The farmer replied, "I dug a big hole with my tractor and buried them."
The police man asked, "How could you be sure they were all dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them insisted they were still alive, but you know, you can never believe anything a politician says."
#oldbutgold
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It's a known fact that girls mature faster than boys:
Girls get boobs around 13 years of age, and boy don't get boobs until about 40.
#other
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One day, the US military decided to take a poll to see how the different branches handle a specific situation, in this case a scorpion in a service member's tent. One representative from each major branch is selected, and each answers privately.
The question was a simple one: "There is a scorpion in your tent. What do you do?"
Army: "I would crush it with my boot and throw it outside."
Navy: "I would pick it up by the tail and throw it outside."
Marines: "I'd bite its head off before cooking and eating it."
Air Force: "I'd call down to the front desk and ask why there's a tent in my hotel room."
#other
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Vladimir Putin was visiting an elementary school in Russia.
After Putin explained to the kids how Russia is the most glorious and best nation in the world, he asked if any of the children had any questions.
Suddenly, Aleksandr put his hand up.
“Yes?” Putin said, as he pointed at Aleksandr.
“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union and why are trying to take Crimea?” Aleksandr asked.
“Well, the correct reason we are invading Ukraine is…” before Putin could finish his sentence, the bell rang, and all the children rushed out the classroom to have lunch. However, the children were also confused, as the bell wasn’t supposed to go this early. The lunch break seemed much longer than usual to many children.
When the bell rang again and the children got back into the classroom, Putin and the teacher were waiting there.
“Any more questions?” Putin asked.
Damien shot his hand up almost immediately.
“Yes, Damien?” Putin said, pointing at Damien.
“Well, I have four questions.” Damien said.
“Go ahead and ask them.” Putin replied.
“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union? Why do you want to take Crimea? Why did the bell for lunch ring 20 minutes early? And where is Aleksandr?”
#oldbutgold
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I took my girlfriend to see Disney on Ice and it sucked
It was just some old dead guy in a box
#other
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My Tinder bio says very honestly that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, that I drive a $500k vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel...
My dates are usually furious, though, when they discover I'm a bus driver.
#other
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Did you hear about the italian who broke both of his arms?
he couldn't talk for a whole month.
#other
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I like my women like I like a Boeing 737 MAX
More likely to go down on me
#sexandshit
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The prostitute put on her clothes and said…
“It was a business doing pleasure with you.”
#wordplay
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison
#oldbutgold
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Why was Heisenberg’s wife always sad?
Because when he had the position, he didn’t have the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he didn’t have the position.
#other
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When my boss came into the IT department and saw me using two keyboards at once, he said "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once".
"Hey!" I said. "That's stereotyping.”
#wordplay
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A recently divorced man sits down at a bar...
He glumly orders a drink, and notices a woman sitting at the end of the bar. The man figures he's divorced now, might as well get back into the game, so he walks over and starts chatting.
"What's a beautiful woman like you doing sitting in a bar drinking by themselves?"
"Oh, I don't want to talk about it, I just got divorced and it's been hard. I really loved him, we're just too different for it to work."
"What a coincidence," the man replies, "I'm also recently divorced, and I loved her as well. We were just too different for it to work. Why didn't it work out with your husband?"
"Well, it's a little embarrassing, but I've had a couple drinks, so why not. I was too kinky in bed, and it just freaked him out. Even though I loved him dearly, we just didn't click sexually, so we had to let each other go."
The man is astonished. "You'll never believe this, but my wife and I divorced for the same reason! I was just too freaky for her taste, and we couldn't make it work."
The two continue to chat, and it's obvious that there is a lot of chemistry. They finish their drinks, and the woman invites the man back to her apartment.
"Make yourself at home, while I slip into something a little more....uncomfortable."
The man hangs up his hat and coat and sits down on her couch while the woman goes to the bedroom. She puts on her tightest leather teddy, opens her bag of toys and selects a particularly domineering 11" dildo, a long feather, a pair of handcuffs, a riding crop, a pair of nipple clamps, and a latex balaclava.
Excitedly, she walks back to the living room, only to see the man putting on his hat and coat, making ready to leave.
"Wait a minute!", she exclaims. "Where are you going? I thought we were about to have some amazingly kinky sex?"
The man replies, "Well, I already fucked your cat and took a shit in your purse....I think I'm good here."
#sexandshit
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What do you call it when people avoid a pandemic by coding at home?
Nerd immunity!
#wordplay
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Drunk guy walking the streets goes up to a cop.
He says “Hey man, someone stole my car”
Cop asks “well where did you last see it?”
Guy staggeredly holds up his keys and says “on the end of these here keys”
Cop says “well I dunno, sounds like you’re gonna have to go downtown to the precinct and file a report”
Drunk guy starts walking away towards the precinct, and the cop hollers, “Before you go downtown, you may wanna zip up your fly!”
Guy looks down at his fly and moans “awe man, they got my girl too..”
#sexandshit
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Once there was a farmer who was very protective of his three daughters.
One day, the three daughters told the farmer that they were all going on a date. So, the farmer, being the protective father he was, grabbed his shotgun and walked outside. Suddenly, a car pulled in, and a man stepped out it. He went up to the farmer and said:
“Hello, my name is Freddy, I am here for Betty. We’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”
The farmer called for Betty, the first daughter, and she came. The man and Betty then got into the car and drove off. About 30 seconds later, the second car pulled in. Another man stepped out of it and went up to the farmer.
“Hello, my name is Joe. I am here for Flo. Is she good to go?”
The farmer called for Flo, the second daughter, and the man lead her into the car and then went inside the car as well. They drove off.
Another 30 seconds passed, and the third and final car pulled in. A man stepped out it and approached the farmer.
“Hello, my name is Chuck, I am here for-“ The farmer shot him.
#wordplay
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My wife is 9 months pregnant with our first child and is due to pop any day now. My parents came out to visit us and to help with the baby when it arrives. I was sitting on the back porch with my father talking, and he said.
"Son, you're going to be a father yourself soon. I'm very proud of you, and I think you're ready for this.*
With that, he gave me a very old book, richly bound, with the title in gold letters reading "1001 Dad Jokes."
My eyes filled with tears of love. "Dad." I said, around the lump that had suddenly risen in my throat, "I'm honored." My father smiled at me and said,
"HI HONORED, I'M DAD."
#other
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A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”
“Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
“But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
“Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
“Oh, okay!”
#other
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At an international meeting of Brewing Companies three CEO's decided to share a drink before leaving.
As they reached the bar the CEO of Budweiser said he'd have the best beer in the world and ordered a bud.
The CEO of Whitbread begged to differ and said the best beer in the world is Trophy Bitter and he ordered one.
When it was the CEO of Guinness' turn he ordered a coke.
The other two CEOs were aghast and asked why he wasn't drinking a Guinness.
He replied as you two were ordering soft drinks I thought I'd join you.
#oldbutgold
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At his wedding, my buddy told me that I’m the worst best man he has ever seen.
I…was speechless.
#wordplay
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Why are balloons so expensive?
Inflation.
#wordplay
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Why is Dwayne Johnson the only man that can turn lesbians?
Because Rock beats scissors.
#wordplay
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I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it’s terminal.
#wordplay
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When my wife is sad I let her color in my tattoos.
I give her a shoulder to crayon.
#wordplay
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The secret to making Congress more efficient is to replace all the people with horses.
Sure, every vote would end in “neighs,” but hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
#wordplay
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What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
#wordplay
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