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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Premature ejaculation has its benefits:
By the time my wife tells me she has a headache
I'm already lighting up a cigarette
#sexandshit
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When I found out there were women in the military, I told the recruiter “I can’t take orders from girls!”
“...because they don’t talk to me!”
#other
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Four middle-aged Jewish women are having lunch in a restaurant.
Midway through the meal the waiter comes to their table and says, "Ladies, is anything all right?"
#other
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A man loses three fingers in an accident. At the hospital, he asks the doctor; Will I be able to drive with this hand?"
Doctor: Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.
#wordplay
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Newton, Darwin, and a modern Scientist go to heaven.
God is standing at the gate.
"Your research will determine whether you may enter heaven."
Newton is up first.
He shows God "Principia".
God smiles reading Newton's description of gravity.
God shakes his hand and opens the gate for him.
Next up is Darwin.
He shows God "Origin of Species".
God says "You nailed it!"
He lets him in.
Finally, the modern Scientist is up.
God asks to see his work.
"Sorry", he says.
"It's paywalled."
#other
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I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks off in December?”
Boss: It’s May.
Me: Sorry. May I get two weeks off in December?
#wordplay
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You can't change a conservative's mind on abortion by convincing them a fetus is not a person.
Try convincing them a fetus is an undocumented person living in their country instead.
#politics
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A man goes to a neighboring village to buy a mattress.
He buys the mattress for 200, lays it on his bike and start the long walk back home.
As soon as he enters his village, he runs into an acquaintance..
"What's up" says the acquaintance..
"Went to the other village to buy a mattress"..
"How much did you buy it for?"
"200"
"Man, you got screwed..I bought a better quality mattress for 175 the other day"...
The man is a little pissed but walks on...and then runs into another acquaintance, and similar conversation follows but this time the guys says..
"Man you got screwed, I bought a better quality mattress for 150 the other day"..
The guys keeps walking, meeting people, everyone telling him how he got screwed, the last one telling him that he got a better quality mattress for 75 + two pillows thrown in...
The guy is massively pissed and as he gets close to his house, he runs into his neighbor..
Neighbor: "What's up?"
At this point, the guy has no patience left and says
"I went to the other village to get screwed"..
Neighbor: "And you took your own mattress too?"
#other
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My daughter accused me of telling dad jokes.
Nothing could be father from the truth.
#wordplay
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A man walks into a bar carrying a heavy suitcase.
He sets the suitcase down and sits at the bar to catch his breath. He checks the time on his watch, then motions to the bartender and orders a water.
"Sure thing." says the bartender. As he's pouring the water, he notices the man's watch and says "Wow, that's a fancy watch you got there."
"Oh this?" the man replies, "It's packed with a bunch of cool technology. Not only can I search the web and make phone calls on it, but the coolest part is I can download movies on it. Plus it has a built-in 4K projector that will project the movie onto any flat surface, so you can watch any movie you want, wherever you want."
"Wow! That's amazing," the bartender says as he places the water in front of the man. "I bet it cost you a fortune."
The man takes a sip and replies, "It was $100."
"$100?!" the bartender exclaims, "You're joking. I would've guessed way more than that."
"No, in fact I'll sell it to you right now for $20 if you want."
"Done!" the bartender says excitedly, handing the man $20 without hesitation. The man gives the watch to the bartender who immediately puts it on and starts fiddling around with it on his wrist.
The man finishes the water, thanks the bartender, and turns to leave. As he's about to walk out the door, the bartender calls out, "Wait sir, you forgot your suitcase!"
The man replies, "Suitcase...? Oh! No, you'll need that. That's the battery."
#other
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My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
#wordplay
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A buddhist monk was looking for his master. After searching for a while, he found him meditating on the other side of the river.
The monk asked: "MASTER! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
The master replied: "I CAN! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"
The monk asked: "HOW CAN I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER?"
"YOU ARE ALREADY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER!"
#other
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I was pulled over by the police he said “papers” so I said “scissors! I win!” Then sped off. He must want a rematch he’s been chasing me for half an hour!
#oldbutgold
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What do you call a super hero with no sense of direction?
Wander Woman
#wordplay
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A man goes on an extended vacation and leaves his cat with his brother for safe-keeping. When he arrives at his destination and settles in, he gives his brother a call and asks: "how's the cat?"
"The cat is dead." Replies the brother.
"How could you be so insensitive!" Says the man. "I just arrived at my resort and you tell me my cat is dead! You could have told me 'everything is fine'. and I would have been unaware. A few days later I would have called and you could have said: 'we've had an incident and the cat is on the roof, but we're sure things will be alright.' and I would have been concerned but not alarmed. A few days after that when I checked in you could have said: 'We got the cat down and he's had a minor injury and he is at the vet but it's nothing to worry about.' And I would have been concerned, but it wouldn't have ruined the rest of my trip. Then right before I'm about to come home and I checked in you could have told me: 'the cat has taken a turn for the worse but the vet is still optimistic.' Then I would have been prepared.' Do you see what I mean?"
The brother replies: "I'm so sorry. I hadn't thought of it like that. I'll try to be more considerate in the future."
The man says: "It's ok. I loved that cat but I think I'll be ok. So how's Mom?"
"She's on the roof."
#oldbutgold
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My mate said he’s slept with 2 Brazilian women.
I said “wow that’s a lot!!”
#wordplay
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A Doctor and two Lawyers are on a train ride.
The doctor gets comfortable, takes off his shoes and decides he is thirsty and is going to take a trip to the snack car. He asks the lawyers,
“Hey I am going to go get a Coke, do either of you want one?”
One lawyer shakes his head, no. The other lawyer says, “Sure, grab me one, thanks!”
So the doctor walks off to the snack car and while he is gone, the lawyer that asked for the coke says to the other lawyer “watch this” And spits a huge loogie into one of the Doctor’s shoes.
The other lawyer finds this hilarious and upon the doctor returning decides that he now would like a coke. He asks “Hey Doc, you know a Coke sounds, nice, could you grab me one too?”
The Doctor replies, “of course!” heads back to the snack car and while there, the second lawyer spits a huge loogie into the Doctor’s other shoe.
Once the Doctor returns with the second Coke, he gives it to the other lawyer and then decides he is going to get some sleep, still with his shoes off, the Doctor lays his head back and passes out for an hour or so…
Finally, after the Doctor wakes up to the sound of the train arriving at his station, he puts on his shoes, the Lawyers burst out laughing and the Doctor immediately realizes what has happened and exclaims to the Lawyers,
“You know guys, this is petty! The feud between our two professions needs to stop! It’s getting out of hand, you know, the spit in the shoes, the dick in the Cokes!”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I plotted all of my past relationships on a graph.
It has an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.
#other
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A hotel guest walks into the rooftop bar...
He tell the bartender, "I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!"
"Sure, whatever," says the bartender.
The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony. A few minutes later he comes running back into the bar soaking wet and laughing.
"The hotel pool is under that balcony," he laughs. "You owe me $100 in drinks!"
A week later, the same guy comes into the bar and tells the bartender the exact same thing.
"I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!"
"Sure, whatever," says the bartender.
The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony.
Another man sitting at the bar turns to the bartender. "Hey," he says, "Don't you remember that guy from last week? I can't believe you fell for that trick again!"
The bartender says, "And I can't believe that guy didn't notice they've drained the pool for cleaning."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs.
The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE". With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building.
The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, "I am sorry, but we don't allow jokes to be served here."
"Fine!" says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. "But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?"
The bartender replies, "yeah, there's another bar across the road."
#other
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What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
#wordplay
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A guy with no balls gets employed.
A guy gets employed by a company, the company's eorking time is 9-5 but because the guy has no balls they tell him to come at 11 because they just play with their balls till 11. 2 hours after the interview he gets a call sayingthat he needs to attend at 9, puzzled he asks why? The HR guy tells him that they got someone employed that has no hands.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
#politics
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This year my son receives his doctorate degree in creative writing and I'm planning on buying him a car.
Because we're pretty sure he's going to become an Uber driver. Gotta prepare him for his future.
#other
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I said to my wife, “For the last 15 years, all you’ve done is find mistakes in anything I say.”
She said, “16 years.”
#other
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So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
#wordplay
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Best Name For a Boat
The Unsinkable II.
#other
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So my friend got a job as a porn star the other day.
His first time doing that. The director comes up to him and says “so for this scene, you're going to be doing missionary sex with that young lady over there”.
My friend, kind of awkward, he says “Ok, so is there any kissing or foreplay, or anything... a blowjob, maybe?" The director says “no, no, since this is your first day on the job, we wanted to start you off in an Entry Level Position”.
#wordplay
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Three men travel to Turkey...
but when they arrive at the airport the customs officer tells them that, in order to improve the country's gene pool, they only allow groups of men to enter the country if the combined length of their penises is at least 100 cm. So the first man gets undressed to take the measurement. The officers measure his penis is 50 centimeters long. The second man does the same. His penis is 49 centimeters long. Then the third man gets undressed. His penis is just barely 1 centimeter long. So although it's not by a great margin, the combined length of their penises is at least 100 cm, so the officers let the 3 men into the country.
Later the three men are discussing what happened at the airport. The first man says 'We are lucky I have such a long penis, otherwise we would never have made it to 1 meter'. The second man says 'Mine may not be as long as yours, but we're lucky that it's still pretty long'. The third man says 'We were pretty lucky that I had a boner'.
#sexandshit
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Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They're calling it the Apollo G.
#wordplay
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