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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
"Did the doctor stop in to see you yet?" the Nurse asked the patient who had been waiting in an exam room.
"Yeah, but it was really strange. He came into the room with a woman, said something about having to go defeat the Daleks, then they hopped in a phone box, and dissapeared.
"Oh, geeze, so sorry, looks like they sent in the wrong Doctor again!" She sighed and then got on the pager system and said:
"Doctor Hu, Doctor Hu, you're needed in the exam room."
#wordplay
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How do you figure out how heavy a bag of Red Hot Chilli Peppers are?
Give it a weigh, Give it a weigh, Give it a weigh now!
#wordplay
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My wife tells me I have no sense of direction
I have no idea where that came from
#wordplay
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What’s the favorite band at the Alzheimer’s home?
The who?
#wordplay
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I saw a woman reading 50 shades of grey on the train today...
"At least you don't have to lick your fingers to turn the pages" I said with a smile.
"You disgusting man!" she screamed and stormed off down the carriage.
Are all Kindle readers that miserable or what?
#sexandshit
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In the age of AI, dating a model is not a brag anymore
#wordplay
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God then says to them "In front of you there is staircase of exactly a thousand steps. Every time you take a step up, I will tell you a joke. If you make it all the way to the top without laughing, you will be allowed into heaven. If you laugh at one of my jokes, you will be doomed to spend eternity in Hell."
The brunette goes first. She makes it the the 250th step, and laughs. God then sends her to Hell. The redhead goes next. She makes it to the 500th step and laughs. God sends her to Hell as well. The blonde goes last. She makes it to the 999th step, and laughs. God then asks her, "you were so close to the top, why did you laugh?" The blonde responds "I just got the first one."
#other
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Wife: What the actual fuck!? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.
Wife: And when does that part start?
Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
#sexandshit
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In 3,026 years, life will either be fantastic or really bad.
It's 5050.
#wordplay
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Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"
"Your parents when you move out."
#other
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Did you hear about the man who only paid 5 cents for a prosthetic eye?
His name was Nikolai
#wordplay
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I was talking to a woman in a bar and felt like things were going well so I ordered another round. She said “before we go any further I need to ask, what kind of date are you? I tried to be clever and said “I m the kind of date that doesn’t mind helping with the breakfast dishes.” She said “I’ve ask that more times than I care to admit and that’s the best answer ever. Let’s go to my apartment.” Check please. We got there, walk in, she says “the kitchen is right this way, you wash, I’ll dry.”
#other
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I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor on the first day at work.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
#wordplay
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If at first you don’t succeed
Then skydiving probably isn’t for you
#oldbutgold
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
#oldbutgold
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A man accidentally wires $500,000 to the wrong account
He calls his bank manager for a reversal, but the manager says, "For that amount of money the dispute process would be very time-consuming. For a quicker solution you would be better off contacting the recipient to send the money back."
The man figures the chances of someone simply sending back $500,000 upon request are very slim, so instead the man comes up with an idea. He gets the account owner's number from the bank manager and sends them a text message. The message reads:
Hello, dark and worthy recruit. I believe you have received the $500,000 wired to you. It's for your initiation into the Eternal Brotherhood of the Dark Underworld. Our meeting is scheduled to take place tomorrow at 12 midnight. A week after your initiation, your siblings and parents will die. This will unlock the wealth and riches awaiting you after we conquer this world. But in case you're not ready to join, please send back the $500,000 immediately and you will be taken off our list of recruits.
About 30 minutes later, he gets a response back:
Please send another $1 million. My two friends are interested.
#other
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What do you call a bear that does karate?
Grizz Lee.
#wordplay
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A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."
#other
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I asked my girlfriend to explain the broken condom in our bedroom
She said “For the last time, his name is Paul and he’s your son”
#sexandshit
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Sugar is the only word where ‘su’ makes a ‘sh’ sound.
At least, I’m pretty sure that’s right.
#other
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Ivan Pavlov walks into a bar
after a rough day and sits down for a few drinks and after a couple drinks, the bar phone rings, he gets up and yells "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!"
#other
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's"
#wordplay
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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
#sexandshit
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Where do pirates like to shop?
At the secondhand store.
#wordplay
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What do the movies “The Sixth Sense” and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people
#oldbutgoold
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My wife was pissed at me for having an Only fan’s subscription
I dunno know why, she said I needed to be more supportive of our daughter
#sexandshit
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I asked my wife to rate my listening skills. She said “you’re an 8 on a scale of 10”.
I have no idea why she would want me to urinate on a skeleton.
#wordplay
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My dog swallowed my credit card and had to be put down
I don’t know what’s worse. Losing my best friend, or having to tap and pay with a dead dog.
#other
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I don’t know all the details about military ranks
but I have the general idea.
#wordplay
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The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in Earth's history.
#wordplay
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