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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Why do pediatricians get so mad?
They have little patience.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Cop: Are you on drugs ?
Guy: Why would I sit on drugs ?
Cop: Have you taken any ?
Guy: Taken them where ?
Cop: I meant used drugs.
Guy: I prefer new.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Obscure history/biology joke I couldn't get out of my head, so I had to post it somewhere:
"I've invited you all to this press conference to tell you that my experiments in Parthian-genesis have proven highly successful."
"Professor, you mean parthenogenesis, right? Like in asexual reproduction?"
"No, I didn't mean that at all. Why would you think that?"
"But..."
"Anyway, I also invited you to warn that Rome has better improve its defences pretty darn soon."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Two men, an American and a Russian were arguing. One said,
“in my country I can go to the white house walk to the president's office and pound the desk and say "Mr president! I don't like how you're running things in this country!"
"I can do that too!"
"Really?"
"Yes! I can go to the Kremlin, walk into the general secretary's office and pound the desk and say, Mr. secretary, I don't like how Reagan is running his country!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it’s terminal.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What kills people and has two butts?
An assassin.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
#other
@Sickipedia
What do you call a threesome, but it's you and the two people in the porn video?
A lonesome.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
#roast
@Sickipedia
What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an atheist and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night and wonders if there’s a dog
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I have a plan: to hybridize cauliflower plants and dogwood trees. I’ll plant them along the edges of my property.
They’ll be my border caulis.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
When my Tinder date arrived in the restaurant, I guided her to her seat, and asked, “Shall I push your stool in?”…
She said, “Let’s first see how this date goes.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What did one ocean say to the other? The punchline is not what you think.
not what you think.
#antijoke
@Sickipedia
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!"
#boomerhumor
@Sickipedia
The fact there's a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell
Tells you about the anticipated traffic.
#other
@Sickipedia
Fighter: I must avenge my brother's death!
Bard: You can count on me!
Dwarf: You can count on me!
Necromancer: You can count on your brother!
#other
@Sickipedia
What did salt say to pepper when their friends were running late?
Don’t worry, rosemary and sage are cumin. They will get here in due thyme.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What's a pdf file?
And why is my uncle accused of being one?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I just had a near sex experience.
It’s true. My wife flashed before my eyes.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I recently broke up with my alien girlfriend
She’s now my Space Ex
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was telling my German colleague about how my parents, who were living in Spain, kept having problems with eagles killing their chickens.
Me: yeah, these eagles come down out of the mountains, they steal the chickens right out of the pen!
Frank: an eagle!? AN EAGLE DOES THIS!?
Me: yes, they have eagles over there, mad isn't it?
Frank: AN EAGLE IS STEALING THE CHICKENS?
Me: errr, yeah, they're predators you know?
Frank: THEY ARE PREDATORS?
Me: yeah, and they fly down and kill the chickens and fly off with them
Frank: THEY FLY... wait, hang on... Oh.... I see... Err... In German, Igel is.. Errr...
(long, long pause)...
AH! IN GERMAN, EIN IGEL IS A HEDGEHOG!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was on a plane with my dad when the pilot announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are 30,000 feet up in the air.”
Dad: I think he’s lying. There’s no way there are 15,000 people on this flight.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I was annoyed when my wife gave me a coffin for my birthday.
I said, “this is the last thing that I need.“
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Rex came home after a hard day at work. He went into the kitchen and realized that it had been freshly painted. He was surprised. He asked his wife if she had painted the kitchen.
Karen sat on the couch while eating Cheetos and bon-bons. "No," she replied. "I've been asking you to do the kitchen for weeks. I was complaining to the neighbor about it and he said that if I would have sex with him he would paint it today."
Rex immediately ran upstairs into the bedroom. Karen could hear the closet door open. She knew he kept the gun there. She giggled with glee about the trouble she was about to cause.
Rex stormed down the stairs and he threw black, lacy lingerie on her lap. He said, "If you see him tomorrow put this on. I need shelves put up in the garage!"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
What do Trump and all of 007's enemies over the last 60 years have in common?
None of them can secure a Bond
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I asked my wife if the cup was half full or half empty
She told me: For the last time, stop wearing my bras
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life...
It's my Oughtobiography.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well," the cop answered, "you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.
Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia