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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Why was Heisenberg’s wife always sad?
Because when he had the position, he didn’t have the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he didn’t have the position.
#other
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What’s the difference between a casual dinner party and a pirate orgy?
In one you come as you are in the other you ARRRR as you cum.
#wordplay
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Last night I had to make the difficult decision on behalf of my wife to pull the plug.
Then she’s all like, “HEY! I wasn’t done with my bath!”
#wordplay
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I didn't know that Sylvester Stallone is on his third marriage...
I guess his first one was rocky, and his second was rocky too.
#wordplay
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An American, a Frenchman and a Russian bet who has the strongest alcohol.
An American, a Brit and a Russian bet who has the strongest alcohol. First goes the Frenchman, who takes a big gulp of his red wine. The other two men place a chair in front of him and ask the man "How many chairs do you see?" The drunk Frenchman responds "I see two chairs." Next goes the American. He takes a shot of whiskey and when asked about the chairs, he responds "I see 4!" And finally, when it's the Russian's turn, he without hesitation drinks a whole bottle of vodka. "So? Tell us, how many chairs are there?!" impatiently asks the Frenchman. "In which row?"
#russians
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You hear about the guy who masturbated to Jennifer Lawrence’s feet pics but he thought they were Jennifer Love Hewitt’s?
He got off on the wrong foot…
#wordplay
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A man walks into a gay bar..
Awhile later, he comes out
#wordplay
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The old church needed a fresh coat of paint
But money was tight in the budget, so the pastor figured he would save a few bucks by only buying about half the paint that was needed and thinning it out with turpentine to make it go farther. So he did this, and the next Saturday the entire congregation gathered to help paint the church.
They worked all day, from dawn til dusk, and when they were finished the church had a beautiful fresh coat of paint. But just as they were packing up to go home, storm clouds suddenly rolled in, and a torrential downpour began. The rain washed all of the thinned paint off the church's walls, undoing their whole day's work.
And a mighty voice boomed down from the heavens: "REPAINT... and thin no more!!"
#wordplay
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I found my wife’s Tinder profile and I am furious with all of her lies
She is NOT adventurous and fun to be around
#other
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Want to hear a really pedantic joke?
Well technically you're just reading it.
#antijoke
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I remember the first time I made love to my wife and I asked her: "Am I the first one?" She said:
"Why does everyone always ask me that?"
#other
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Why did Mike Tyson go to a Christian Plastic Surgeon?
To get a Faith Lift
#wordplay
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An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician join a study on scientists' ability to survive in the wild
All three are left in different part of a desert island overnight, each with a can of beans but no openers.
The researchers come back in the morning to check on the scientists.
The engineer is sleeping soundly, next to an open can. Once woken up, he explains: "Well tin cans aren't that strong, so I kept bashing this can against a rock many times, until it gave in and opened up".
The physicist is also sleeping soundly (albeit in an awkward position like all physicists do), next to a neatly opened can. He goes to explain:" You see, the tension forces created by the joints between the different sheets of metal making the can means that if you apply precise forces on a few pressure points, the can just plops open. You can do this without effort, even with your bare hands"
The researchers then move on to the mathematician. As they approach him, they see that the can is still intact, while the mathematician is lying next to it in a fetal position, shivering, and continuously repeating: "Let's assume the can is open. Let's assume the can is open..."
#other
@Sickipedia
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again.” she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size!
#other
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The secret to making Congress more efficient is to replace all the people with horses.
Sure, every vote would end in “neighs,” but hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
#wordplay
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What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
#wordplay
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They use gas lighting
#wordplay
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If a transformer adopted a human baby, what would the baby's name be?
Carson
#wordplay
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Sadly, my friend from Russia was divorcing his spouse. They were married in their home country long time ago.
I tried to console him by saying, “Not all Soviet Unions were meant to last!”
#wordpplay
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My wife asked me how my job was going at the battery factory.
I told her it has its pluses and minuses.
#wordplay
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My wife told our son not to play with electricity.
Now he’s grounded.
#wordplay
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What do you call a Urologist who is on social media?
A TikTok Dick Doc
#wordplay
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Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order a coffee and pull out sandwiches from their suitcases. An angry waitress approaches them, exclaiming "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here!" The lawyers look at her, then at each other and exchange the sandwiches.
#other
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I started a support group for men with premature ejaculation.
Our first meeting will be yesterday.
#sexandshit
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I don't want to be xenophobic but...
It's always foreign DNA which is found at crime scenes.
#wordplay
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Technically, the earth IS flat
It's not like the oceans are sparkling
#wordplay
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I used to be addicted to swimming
I'm happy to say that I have been dry for six months
#wordplay
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I confessed to my wife that I get aroused by my reflection in the mirror.
She told me not to be so hard on myself.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I added lunges into my workout routine.
I think it's a big step forward.
#wordplay
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