I recently switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack.
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
#wordplay
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What country's capital is growing the fastest?
Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.
#wordplay
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If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men?
"Friends"
#other
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Why is 10 + 10 and 11 + 11 the same thing?
10 + 10 is twenty and 11 + 11 is twenty too.
#wordplay
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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!
#oldbutgold
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A man rescues a "pirate" from a deserted island.
After inviting the apparent pirate onto his boat, he asks whether it is harder to plunder ships with a wooden leg, hook for a hand, and eye patch.
The man promptly replies "actually, I'm not a pirate."
"Oh really? Then what's with the wooden leg?"
"I was trying to swim out of the island. A shark bit my leg off and I had to replace it with this plank of wood."
"Well, what about the hand?"
"While foraging for food in the island, a snake bit my hand and I had to cut it off, then replaced it with this hook."
"Okay. But what about the eye patch?"
"That's from seagull poop."
"Wait, seagull poop makes you blind?"
"No, it was just my first day with the hook."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A very shy person wanted to learn how to approach a girl.
So he went to watch a video on how to overcome shyness and talk to girls.
In the video, the coach made a demo where he approched a girl and immediately asked her to guess a number from 1 to 9.
The girl said 4, so the coach smiled and replied that the number she picked was the right one and that he can give her a kiss as a gift.
So the shy person went to apply what he learned, he approached a girl asked her to guess a number and when she answered 5 he was very disappointed.
#other
@Sickipedia
A gay couple, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club...
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy.
So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
#oldbutgold
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I hate it when people show me pictures of their kids.
I'm sorry. They're missing, now move on.
#other
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My wife and I sat down with our son and I said…
“Billy, you were adopted.” Billy looked at us. His face was red and full of anger “I demand to meet my biological parents!” My wife softly said “We ARE your biological parents. Now, hurry and pack.”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
What did the police say when they arrested the man pretending to be Mozart?
Come, poser!
#wordplay
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Daughter: "Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?"
Me: "Wow, I thought most only had 4."
#wordplay
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are playing poker when the cops raid the game.
The lead officer questions the priest, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?
Father Murphy silently asks God to forgive him for what he is about to say. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”
The cop turns to the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”
Pastor Johnson also appeals to Heaven. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”
The cop finally turns to the rabbi. “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”
“Gambling?” he asks, glancing at the priest and the minister. “With who?”
#other
@Sickipedia
How would a drummer get paid if he started selling pillows?
Per cushion.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him, and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
#other
@Sickipedia
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent.
#wordplay
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A study of over 1500,00 men finds that people with a lower IQ are likely to have a larger penis.
The study goes on to say it found a strong coruhlashin between IQ and penis size saying the results had a stastisticly sigfignicant negitiv coruhlashin. With a study size of over 1500,00 mails, sientists say these results are cunclewsiv
#sexandshit
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I had a dream last night that I was fighting an erection.
I was able to beat it off single handedly.
#wordplay
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A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out.
The son returns a year later and tells his father that he has converted to Christianity. The father is upset and calls his friend who is also Jewish. “You won’t believe this, my son David moved out for a year and came back and told me he converted to Christianity.” His friend says, “you won’t believe this...my son Benjamin moved away for a year and when he came back HE converted to Christianity too”!
Both upset, they call their rabbi and explain what happened. The rabbi says, “you won’t believe this, my son Joshua moved away and when HE came back he told me he converted to Christianity too”! The rabbi suggests they call God and tell him.
The rabbi tells God that all three men had sons who moved away and converted to Christianity and don’t know what to do. God says to them, “you won’t believe this...
#oldbutgold
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Sometimes when my wife is sad I let her color my tatoos.
She just needs a shoulder to crayon...
#wordplay
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My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard..
Personally, I’m on the fence.
#wordplay
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My friend said that he doesn't understand Cloning.
I said,well that makes the two of us.
#wordplay
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I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
#wordplay
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All my friends tell me I'm a pussy magnet.
Unfortunately I'm the wrong polarity.
#other
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Dating in your 40's is like looking for a parking spot....
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
#wordplay
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I never understood why they named the show "SpongeBob"
Patrick was literally the star of the show
#wordplay
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Can anyone tell me what FOMO stands for?
Everyone else seems to know.
#other
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I met a really hot girl who was half Japanese and half Philipino.
I think I might have ruined our relationship as I kept calling her a jalapeño.
#wordplay
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