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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!"
#boomerhumor
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The fact there's a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell
Tells you about the anticipated traffic.
#other
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A traveling salesman is driving past a farmhouse when he sees a pig with a wooden leg.
This piques his curiosity, so he goes to the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers.
"What's the story with the pig with the wooden leg?" asks the salesman.
"Let me tell you about that pig," says the farmer. "That is no ordinary pig."
"One night about six months ago my house caught on fire. That pig came into the house, nudged me awake, and led me through the smoke to safety. That pig saved my life!"
"That really is some pig," the salesman agrees. "But why does he have a wooden leg?"
"Well," says the farmer, "a pig like that you don't eat all at once."
#other
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A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out.
The genie tells him he has two wishes.
The guy says "I always thought it was three wishes."
The genie says "Check your pants."
The guy looks down and goes, "Woah, it's huge!"
And the genie says, "I've been doing this a long time."
#oldbutold
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3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It's 5050
#wordplay
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Here’s a knock at the front door and both , grandpa and grandkid peep through the curtains…
Grandpa whispers to the kid: it’s your teacher. go hide, you skipped school today.
Grandkid whispers back to grandpa: you go hide, I told her you passed away
#other
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What would my name be if I were the ruler of Uranus
Just assking
#wordplay
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I was fired the other day, so I handed back my badge and my gun.
The boss said to me: "You work in McDonalds, where the hell did you get those?"
#other
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When I was young I wanted to play the guitar really badly.
After years of lessons, hard work, and practice I can play the guitar really badly.
#wordplay
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A girl asked me what it's like having a penis...
I told her:
"It's hard sometimes"
#wordplay
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Attractive women are just looking for security.
I know because I started talking to one and that's what she yelled.
#wordplay
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I told my wife, “I won the Leslie Nielsen prize at the office today.”
Her: What’s that?
Me: It’s a place where people go to work, but that’s not important right now.
#other
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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner
I'm done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture
#sexanshit
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RIP, boiling water
You will be mist.
#wordplay
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A newly opened bar has a sign outside, beer for only $3
A man sees the sign, walks into the bar and orders a beer.
After finishing the beer, the man takes out three $1 coins from his pocket, and feeling a bit mischievous, gets up from his seat, walks to one end of the counter and places a $1 coin there. He then walks over to the other end of the counter and places another $1 coin there. Finally, he walks back to his seat and places the third $1 coin right in the middle of the counter. The bartender gives him an odd look but has no other option but to walk the entire length of the bar counter to pick up the coins.
This went on repeatedly over the next few days and each day the bartender felt more and more annoyed at the man's behaviour.
One day, the man returns again to order a beer but realises he doesn't have enough $1 coins to place them all over the counter. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. At this point, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is finally his day to get his revenge on the man. The bartender quickly takes out two $1 coins and places them at opposite ends of the counter.
With a grin on his face, the bartender goes back to the man and says, "Go on then, collect your change".
The man then takes out a single $1 coin from his pocket, slides it over to the middle of the counter, and says, "One more beer, please."
#other
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Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.
Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"
#oldbutgold
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Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
#wordplay
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A man comes to the doctor and asks for the test results of his wife.
"I'm afraid" says the doc "we may have swapped her results. So I can't tell if she either has Alzheimer's or Aids."
"That's terrible" says the man. "What should I do now?"
Scratching his chin the doc answers "You should bring her to the woods and leave. If she finds home, don't fuck her."
#oldbutgold
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I launched a series of books aimed at teenagers last week.
Managed to hit three of the little shits.
#wordplay
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A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.
A student puts up his hand and says 'G.'
The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
#other
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The boy said:
"I wanted to get you flowers, but when I got to the flower shop, a girl was blocking the door! She was dressed like a prostitute, and was murmuring something, I think it was numbers! I didn't want to deal with her, so I came straight here.
The girl said:
"Oh, don't worry, it's the thot that counts. "
#wordplay
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Every guy wants sex at the end but I'm different
I want it at the beginning.
#sexandshit
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My son’s girlfriend has been dropping these subtle hints about her financial problems. I’m starting to worry.
She keeps asking him to leave her a loan.
#wordplay
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A billionaire makes an offer to his employee.
The boss says "You seem like a nice guy. If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Ferrari, and a million dollar annual salary."
The employee asks what's wrong with her. The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's also as dumb as a brick." The employee replies, "I don't care what you offer me, it's not worth it." The boss says, "I'll still give you all the perks but make the salary $3 million a year and buy you a penthouse condominium on Park Avenue as well." After a bit of thought, the guy accepts the offer figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the employee buys an original Salvadore Dali painting and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, hits his thumb, and screams "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
#oldbutgold
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A priest and rabbi are sitting on an airline next to each other
The stewardess brings out their meals, the priest a pork dinner, and the rabbi a salad.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says "can I ask you a question?" the rabbi nods. The priest asks "you don't eat pork correct?" The rabbi says "no it is forbidden in Leviticus. An animal must have split hooves and chew it's cud to be kosher. A pig doesn't qualify." The priest asks "but have you ever tried it?" The rabbi says "yes, I must confess I did. In my younger days, before I was religious, I was somewhat rebellious I did try pork."
The rabbi asks the priest "can I ask you a question?" the priest nods. The rabbi says "you can't have sex, right?" The priest says "no. We must have undivided attention to God and not let marriage or sex cloud that focus so we agree to celibacy." The rabbi says "but did you ever?" The priest says "yes, I must confess I did. In my younger days, before I considered being a priest I was a bit wild and did experience the pleasure of a woman's flesh." After a brief pause the rabbi says "better than pork, huh?"
#religion
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A woman is angry with her husband and says…
“My best friend’s husband still flirts with her in public. He touches her and kisses her. They still have sex all the time. Why can’t you do any of that?” So her husband says “It sounds like he’d be in my way. Besides, I barely know the woman.”
#other
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I will be posting my jokes telepathically today.
If you think of something funny, it was me.
#other
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What Superhero do we all have on our smartphone cameras?
The Flash.
#wordplay
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Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer. discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning. Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.
#other
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As the blonde licked my balls, I wondered...
Was this her first tennis lesson?
#wordplay
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