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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
I had to break up with my girlfriend, because she couldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now?
#other
@Sickipedia
A few days ago, I was out for my weekly 10k jog with my friend. We ran through a swarm of bees. He was stung, and collapsed within about 30 seconds
He was looking in severe distress and was having trouble breathing, so I called 911. The ambulance got there in about 5 minutes, but he had already lost consciousness. They tried to revive him on the scene, but they said it was too late. He was gone. I was in total shock.
I went to his wake yesterday. I offered my condolences to his wife Liz. She was in total shell-shock. He was 52 but in fantastic health. Jim ran every day, but we’d also meet up once per week to run 10k for fun, just to push each other a bit.
So I told her “Liz, before Jim lost consciousness, he reached into his running shorts and pulled out this blue and yellow thing that says ‘EPI-PEN’ and gave it to me. It seemed to be very important to him, so I want you to have it”
#illness
@Sickipedia
Took a woman out on a date. Went out to dinner, then a movie with cocktails at a fancy lounge afterward. I spent a lot of money. I figured she owed me. So when we got back to my place,
I turned the lights down low, sat next to her on the couch, put my arm around her and took $20 out of her purse.
#other
@Sickipedia
On St. Patrick's day, someone came up to me and said "I don't like everyone appropriating my culture on this day"
I said "Why? Are you Irish?"
He said "No, I'm an alcoholic"
#other
@Sickipedia
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
#other
@Sickipedia
A burglar stole all the lamps in my house.
I know I should be more upset but I'm absolutely delighted.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
70% of women have used sex toys
means 30% bought theirs new?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
"99.9% of the people are dumb!"
"Fortunately I belong to the remaining 1%"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Today my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach..
Ha! That’s not going to help, she said. Sure, it does, I said. It’s the only way I can see the numbers.
#other
@Sickipedia
A gynaecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
My wife told me she wanted a trial seperation as she was sick of me constantly acting like game show host ...
I said 'Well that's all for now, lets see what happens after the break'
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.
The three men broke into a conversation. Eventually, they started talking about their jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All day long I toil in the hot, hot sun, and do so wearing very heavy clothes. It's quite exhausting. But here, I can relax, and do so without any clothing at all."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What about you?" they asked. "Why are you here?"
"My doctor sent me here," said the third man. "I'm a pickpocket."
#illness
@Sickipedia
The Shogun's fiancée has disappeared, and one of his samurais gives him a letter found in her room.
"Forget your bride and marry me. Send me a sign tomorrow. Or i'll turn her into a frog. - Sorceress of the mountain.", says the letter.
The shogun knowing that, according to the legends, this sorceress was absolutely beautiful and extremely powerful, and that it would even be good to have a wife with such attributes, thinks for a few moments.
But he decides to recover his bride, especially because his honor is in check, this kidnapping would create a scandal in the empire, and after all his bride is attractive enough to him, and so he walks around the palace looking for someone who can discreetly help with this situation.
He finds a ninja from a clan he trusts most, dressed all in black and masked, standing near the palace. And then he asks him to quickly go to the forest, find his bride, and bring his beloved back in complete secrecy. Tells him she's an attractive woman who may be somewhere close to the sorceress. And with a map, he marks a place for them to meet later.
"Yes sir! I'm going to get her! Without waking anyone, at night!", says the ninja, who immediately runs towards the forest.
The shogun hides on the outskirts of the city by the place he marked, a small storage shelter. And waits for nightfall.
A few minutes later the ninja returns, carrying a tatami wrapped around someone. He carefully places it on the floor and unwraps, revealing a beautiful female oni, a legendary forest dwelling being, with immense breasts, highly attractive and sexy despite her red skin and horns on her head, sleeping inside.
"Ninja, this is not my fiancée... she must be an ally of the sorceress. My fiancée is human," whispers the shogun.
"Forgive my mistake, sir! I'll go get her", whispers the ninja, who then carefully wraps the tatami again, puts it over his shoulder. And runs, again, towards the forest.
Some time later, the ninja returns, again with that tatami wrapped around another person, which he carefully places on the floor and unwraps. Revealing another woman sleeping inside, she is wearing ceremonial robes and has strange blue symbols tattooed on her skin. And she is very beautiful, despite her unusual appearance.
"Ninja, this is not my fiancée... She must be one of the sorceress' apprentices. My fiancée is a member of the nobility. Pay attention to her clothes. I am counting on you," whispers the shogun.
"Forgive my mistake, sir! I'll go get her", whispers the ninja, who then wraps the tatami again, puts it over his shoulder, and runs towards the forest once more.
And after a while, the ninja returns with his tatami wrapped around someone else. Which he carefully places on the floor and unwraps. Once again revealing a woman sleeping inside. She is wearing noble clothes and is quite attractive, but much older than the shogun.
"Ninja, that's not my fiancée... She's my fiancée's mother!!!!!," screams the shogun in absolute surprise. He then notices he has screwed up, becomes very nervous thinking about the consequences, feels sick, passes out and falls to the floor making a loud noise.
The woman on the tatami then opens her eyes, stares at the shogun, and asks, "Daughter, don't you think you've gone too far?"
"Ah mom... I just wanted to be absolutely sure that he wouldn't accept any other woman in my place," replies the ninja.
#other
@Sickipedia
Where do mansplainers get their water?
From a “well actually.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My son's math homework has turned him into a little anarchist....
He can't stand the systems or the inequalities
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
#religion
@Sickipedia
I had to break up with my girlfriend, because she couldn’t stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
“May you live as long as you want and not want as long as you live!” is an Irish toast.
“Bread, cinnamon, eggs and maple syrup!” is a French toast.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife said our cat was pregnant.
I said, “you’ve gotta be kitten me!”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man has a severe stuttering problem.
He goes to a cafe and tells the barista: “c..c..can I h..h..ha..have a c..c..co..coffee p..p..pl..please?” The barista tells him: “learn how to speak first and then come back again and order”
The man goes back home and practices the sentence for several minutes and comes back again. He goes to the barista and says: “can I h..h..ha..have a c..c..co..coffee p..p..pl..please?”
The barista tells him: “Again! learn how to speak first and then come back and order” The man goes back home and practices the sentence for several hours and comes back again.
He goes to the barista and says: “can I have a c..c..co..coffee p..p..pl..please?”
The barista tells him: “You again?! learn how to speak first and then come back and order” The man goes back home and practices the sentence for several more hours and comes back again.
He goes to the barista and says: “can I have a coffee p..p..pl..please?”
The barista tells him: “Ugh!! I told you learn how to speak first and then come back and order”
Frustrated, the man goes back home and practices the sentence for the whole day, then comes back again. He approaches the barista and says: “can I have a coffee please?” The barista says: “sure, with cream or without?”
The man says:”F..f..f..fuck y..y..you!”
#other
@Sickipedia
First time in Vegas I stayed for one night. Checked out in the morning, the bill was $250, and they had added resort fees, and I asked what the heck is that for?! She said the hotel had a pool and internet here and available for use. I said I didn't even use them! She said “Well they were here and available and you could’ve used them.”
So I just wrote out a check, but made it out for $50 and handed it to her. She said: “Sir this check is for only $50.”
I said “That’s right! I charged you $200 for sleeping with me.”
“But I didn’t!” she said.
I said: “Well I was here and available, and you could have!”
#other
@Sickipedia
What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing. He was gladiator.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A ship sinks in the South Pacific, and the only survivors are a man, a dog, and a sheep.
They manage to find a piece of wreckage to hang onto, and after a day or two, they wash up on a deserted island. The man looks around, and there's plenty of fruit and fish and fresh water, but he's all alone, just him and the dog and the sheep.
A couple of months pass. The man is surviving and thriving, but he's getting lonely, and that sheep's starting to look awful seductive. Eventually he gives into temptation, but as soon as he gets near the sheep, the dog starts barking and biting and chasing him off. This continues for the next three months, the dog chasing off the man every time he tries to make a move on the sheep.
One day, the man is walking along the beach to take a cold bath in the ocean, when he sees a beautiful woman on the sand, unconscious. He runs over and resuscitates her, and spends the next week tending to her injuries and learning about her. She was a pilot, and her plane crashed into the sea in a gale, and just happened to wash up on this deserted island, a thousand miles away from the nearest land.
The two of them grow close, and one night, she asks him, "I know you're awful lonely here. Is there something I can do for you to repay you for helping me?"
The man says, "Yeah, can you take the dog for a walk for a couple hours?"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...
Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.
On the day of their son's 21st birthday, the father decides to take his son for his first official real drink as an adult. So they go to the local pub, where the father proudly puts the head on the bar and orders two shots of the finest. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing, but goes and gets the drinks.
The father takes the drinks, cheers the glasses together, and takes down his shot while pouring it into his son's mouth. Lo and behold, the head starts wiggling and shaking and suddenly, dramatically, it sprouts an entire torso!!
"What the hell!?", screams the dad... "Bartender!! Two more shots!!"
And they do it again, and the torso and head start wiggling and shaking and BOOM, the son sprouts two arms!!
"Unbelievable!!", screams the dad... "Two more shots!!!"
And this time, of course, the son, delirious with happiness, does his own shot... and the subsequent shaking and wiggling leads to him instantly sprouting two legs!!
"Two more shots!!", screams the dad!!
"Holy shit!! Wait!!", screams the son, "Look! I can walk!! I can run!!" — and with that, the son goes running out the door, straight into traffic, and gets obliterated by a bus.
"Hmmm... ", says the bartender... "Should've quit while he was a head."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My buddy convinced me to join this group.
They were a little odd, and were really into colors. They ascribed religious meaning to wavelengths of light. They thought the most pure form of light had wavelengths between 490 and 520 nm. They told me those came directly from God. It took me a while, but I finally realized I had joined the Church of Cyantology.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Marriage made in Heaven
One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly.
The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can, in fact, get married in Heaven. To his surprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here, you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A father is driving his son to his first day of school.
The boy looks worried, so his dad asks him "What's wrong?"
The kid asks his father nervously, "How long do I have to go to school for?"
"Until you're 18." says the father.
The boy nods quietly. When they get to the front of the school, he asks, "Daddy, can you please give my puppy a hug for me?"
"You can hug him when you get home, son." says the father.
"Well can you please give mommy a big hug for me--"
"Son," the father says abruptly, "you can hug her when you get home."
The boy's eyes get watery and he starts to sniff. So the father adds, "Don't worry so much, you'll be fine. Go on now."
The boy nods and wipes his nose. "Daddy, can I ask one more question?"
"Go on." says the dad.
The boy, now very teary-eyed, says "Daddy, you'll remember to come get me when I'm 18, won't you?"
#other
@Sickipedia
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are having lunch
at a local bistro. They're sitting by the window and while they're waiting for their food, they notice a person walk into the house across the street. A few minutes later, two people walk out.
"Huh," says the physicist, "what's up with that? There must have been an error in our observation when the single person walked in!"
The physicist then looks at the biologist who says, "Nah, it's obvious the person that walked in reproduced asexually - that's why two people walked out."
They both look at the mathematician, who says, "Oh, I have no idea what happened there. All I know is that if one more person walks into that house, it'll be empty."
#other
@Sickipedia
I told my wife that a psychic told me I’d die while having sex.
She said, “A least it’ll be quick.”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Three women are sitting in a cafe, talking about their husbands.
"My husband is a miner," says Heather. "I like being in bed with him because he has an incredible shaft."
"Mine is a dentist," says Linda. "I like being in bed with him because no one can drill like he can."
"You're both lucky," says Martha. "My husband's a mailman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks Heather.
"Well," says Martha, "he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong slot."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia