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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A group of military officers are sitting around discussing how much work and fun is involved in having sex.
First the lieutenant says, "Having sex is about 80% fun and 20% work."
Then captain replies, "No, there's more work involved than that. I would say that it's 60% fun and 40% work."
The major chimes in, "No, having sex is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it's 20% fun and 80% work."
As the discussion continued on, a private suddenly walked by the room.
The officers call the private over, explain the situation and ask for his opinion.
The private quickly replies, "Gentlemen, having sex must be 100% fun."
One of the officers asks, "Well how did you come to that conclusion so easily?"
The private says, "Very simple, Sir. If there was any work involved you guys would have me doing it for you."
#sexandshit
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My father owned a coal company, but kept it to himself
Mined his own business
#wordplay
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Three men are in a Russian prison cell.
The first man says, "I'm here because I criticized Igor Girkin."
The second man says, "I'm here because I spoke in favor of Igor Girkin."
The third man says, "I'm Igor Girkin."
#russians
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A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife.
"We need a 4th for Golf"
"I'll be right over" says the doctor.
"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.
"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."
#other
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Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?
Or does that make me a bad teacher?
#oldbutgold
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When I was a kid my mom would have a spoon with food on it and say "here comes the train, here comes the train" and I would always eat it
otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the train tracks
#other
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A cat dies and goes to heaven. An angel meets him at the gate and says: “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”.
The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”.
The angel says: “Say no more”. Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice die and go to heaven. The angel meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said: “All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs, and even women with brooms have chased us. If we each could only have pairs of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore”.
The angel says: “Say no more”. Instantly, each mouse is fitted with beautiful pairs of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, the angel decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. The angel gently wakes him and asks: “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”
The cat yawns and stretches and says: “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life, and those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”
#other
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Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife." Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
#other
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Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
#other
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Where’s the worst place to have a heart attack?
In the middle of a game of charades.
#illness
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Which rock group has four men, including one named George and another who was shot to death?
Mount Rushmore
#wordplay
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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
#other
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I took a new job a few months ago. Same field I've been in for 23 years, but different employer and territory. I showed up at a place today and introduced myself. It was a room with 4 women, ages about 28 to 60. One of them asked, "So are you a new guy?" I said, "Oh, no. I'm 49; I've been a guy for a long time."
#dadjoke
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A man is dying in the hospital
He's surrounded by his two sons, his daughter, his wife, and a nurse. He turns to his family and says:
"Peter, my eldest, I leave you the villas in Beverly Hills. Samantha, my beautiful daughter, to you I give the apartments in Los Angeles Plaza. Charlie, my youngest son, I see a long and bright future in you, so I leave the city center offices to you. And my dear wife, the three residential towers in downtown are all yours."
The nurse hears all of this and is impressed at the man's sizeable fortune. She turns to the wife and says, "Ma'am, your husband must be very rich to be bequeathing so many properties. You all are so lucky."
The wife retorts, "Rich? Lucky? Are you kidding me? He's a milkman. He's giving us his routes."
#other
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A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribe's chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.
One day the chief's wife gives birth to a white child. The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.
The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you are the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, chief, you're mistaken. What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about the white kid."
#oldbutgold
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A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots.
Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You’d be drinking fast, too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" As he runs out the door, the guy says, "75 cents.”
#oldbutgold
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands
#wordplay
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What does the optometrist say to the programmer after he gave him his new glasses?
Now you can C#
#wordplay
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I recently bought a pencil owned by Shakespeare himself!
Unfortunately he chewed the end so badly I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B
#wordplay
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A well-dressed drunk man walks into a bar.
He approaches the bar and shouts: "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!"
The bartender pours all the drinks. The whole bar cheers and they all drink.
Afterwards, the bartender hands the bill to the man, who just shrugs and says "Oh, I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight. Sorry!" The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
The next night, the same man stumbles into the bar. "Bartender!" the man happily shouts as he approaches, "A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!"
The bartender thinks, 'This guy can't be that stupid. I hope for his sake that he came to pay for last night's drinks too. Also I feel pretty bad about beating him up yesterday, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.' So he pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, and they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh, I forgot my wallet again. Sorry!" The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder than before and kicks him out.
On the third night in a row, the bartender can't believe his eyes when he sees the man return. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!"
The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically. "What? No drink for me tonight?"
The drunk looks at him and says "Nah man, you get too violent when you drink."
#other
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How many clickbait articles does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The answer will shock you!
#other
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
I don't know, but if it's levitating... Holy Cow!
#other
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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
#other
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After my boss died, I attended his wake.
He had an open casket, and I got in line to pay my respects. When it was finally my turn, I knelt down beside the body, and said softly:
“Who’s thinking outside the box now, Gary?”
#oldbutgold
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I told a joke on a Teams meeting at work today. Nobody laughed.
Turns out I'm not even remotely funny.
#wordplay
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"What did the one nut say while chasing the other nut?"
I will cashew 😅
#wordplay
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Women shouldn't have kids after 35.
35 kids is more than enough.
#wordplay
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Although we've been married 37 years, my wife and I have sex almost every night
We almost had it on Monday, we almost had it on Tuesday, we almost had it on Wednesday...
#wordplay
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A man goes to a courthouse to legally change his name.
The desk clerk asks him, "What is your current name?"
"George Buttcrack."
"Whoa! No wonder you want to change your name! What do you want to change your name to?"
"Ted Buttcrack."
#other
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Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus
And I lost my job as a bus driver
#other
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