13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What has six eyes but can’t see a thing?
Three blind mice!
#other
@Sickipedia
People think I'm very weird when they know that I'm seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist every day for 20 years.
It's not my fault if that's my parents' jobs.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman is caught in the very act of adultery...
and Jesus is asked "The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”
And he sits down on the ground, and starts writing the names of sins in the dust before them. The tension fizzles slowly out of the crowd. The Pharisees continue to demand an answer from him, though, Jesus ignores them. Finally Jesus looks up at them and says "Go ahead, but let the one who has never committed a sin cast the first stone."
And he fixes his gaze on the Pharisees, who look away. Everyone is silent, and the tension fizzles out of the crowd. The older men drop their stones.
And suddenly a half-brick comes flying through the air, hits the woman smack in the face; she goes down, and everyone joins in.
But Jesus isn't looking; he marches to the back of the crowd, grabs an elderly lady by the shoulders, shakes her, and screams: "Mum! You really can be a pain in the arse at times!"
#religion
@Sickipedia
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed "Heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you're wrong.
The answer is "Nun of the Above".
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I matched with an empty-picture Tinder profile.
We had a brief conversation. Clever and humorous, so I proposed a date. Yes, she replied.
I was guessing she'll be 400 pounds. However, it was she who answered the door—this little strawberry blonde with a lustrous head and well formed curves everywhere. After exchanging our true names, I asked her what does she do for work. "Sunday school teacher," she says. I'm taking her to the second-best restaurant I can think of even though I've never had a Christian girl.
I ask her if she's hungry as I take out a joint of my finest cannabis. She responds, "Heavens no, what would i tell my sunday school children?" . Well, some people smoke, and some people don't, so I didn't give it much attention.
When we get to the restaurant, she orders the lobster while I get a steak. I choose the second-most costly bottle of wine available. However, when the waitress brings it she says she doesn't drink. Im mindblown. "You don't drink?"
"Heavens no. How would I explain this to my Sunday school students?"
We laugh at one other's jokes and have a nice time, but when I sip from that expensive bottle by myself, I realize this is a disaster.
As I'm driving her home i pass a cheap hotel and figuring i got nothing to lose ask her :"want to get a room and knock boots?"
She says "I thought you'd never ask."
I'm like really?!? "what will you tell your sunday school children?"
She said: the same thing i tell them every week
"You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
So I met this girl at the County Fair...
Before I even got her name, we're making out.
An hour later, we're going at it on the Ferris wheel.
She took me home to meet her momma that night.
Momma said, "You know, we named our sweet girl Nevaeh. It's 'heaven' spelled backwards."
I said, "Momma, you shoulda named her Tulsa."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I once dated a partially deaf girl who was utterly disappointed the first time we were intimate.
“I thought you said you were circus-sized.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Me: "The baby is only 67% done with pooping." Wife: "What? How can you tell?"
Me: "Two turds."
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
How many redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. One to screw it in and 99 to sit around and comment about how they could do it better.
#other
@Sickipedia
In a small town out west, an old priest became tired of listening to all the details when parishioners would confess that they had committed adultery. So he asked everyone to simply say “I’ve Fallen” during their confession. This code word was then used for many years.
Eventually the old priest retires and a new one took his place. During his first week, the new priest starts to get concerned because everyone is complaining about falling. So the priest went to see the town mayor and suggested that maybe the sidewalks needed repairs to prevent people from falling so often.
The mayor starts laughing because he realizes that the new priest doesn't know that "fallen" is a code word. The confused priest then says “I don’t know why you’re laughing because your own wife fell down three times this week”.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey!”
The horse says “YES PLEASE.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
#religion
@Sickipedia
I am really sad today.
After seven years of training in the medical field and really hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and has been blacklisted from the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. A genuinely nice guy, and a truly brilliant mortician.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I saw the priest at the gym today.
He was exorcising.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The chicken clucked silently to himself as he wiped the rain water from his eyebrows. It has been raining for hours now, but that was good, he would be harder to follow. He breathed in and put his eye to the glass, staring down the scope, using it to peer through the window of the diner across the street. That's where the man sat, the farmer that started it all. He raised him from a chick, fed him, gave him a wife and child.... then took it all away for his own gain. But the chicken wasn't going to let it end like that, oh no. He clucked his final prayer, watched, waited for the rain to fall straight down, a sign of no wind.... and pulled the trigger. Quickly he descended the ladder, leaving the gun behind, chickens didn't have fingerprints... he sprinted across the road, ducked into a nearby alley, and fled. Never to be seen again.
#antijoke
@Sickipedia
My son got a fever and started claiming that he sees dead people.
It was his sick's sense.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Don't let anyone tell you you're past your prime: there's always more prime years ahead.
2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, 97, 101, 103, 107, 109, 113, 127. . .
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I've decided to put off my gender transition surgery until after I've gotten my linguistics degree.
I'm a trans later.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife’s doctor prescribed her beta blockers.
And now she won’t return my calls or texts
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
On a flight, the passengers suddenly hear:
“Here is your pilot. Today is my 10.000th flight. I would like to do something special. Would you like to experience a loop? Then applaud.”
The excited passengers applaud.
The pilot says, “ok, fasten your seatbelts”, and a few moments later he does a perfectly executed loop. Everyone is laughing and applauding.
“Would you like to experience a corkscrew roll?”
More applause and the pilot does the manoeuvre to loud acclaim.
“Ok, this was it, enjoy the rest of your flight.”
At that moment, the toilet opens, and a wet and soiled man shuffles out and shouts, “Do you think that’s funny?!”
#other
@Sickipedia
I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."
#other
@Sickipedia
Guy goes to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed.
The shrink gives the guy an inkblot card and asks, "Look at this and tell me what you see."
The guy studies it for a long moment and says, "Not 100% sure, but I think that's Card #6-A, Rorschach Series Three."
#other
@Sickipedia
Took my girlfriend to the restaurant last night.
The Waiter said: "I am sorry sir but we are so busy tonight. Would you mind waiting for a bit?"
I said: "No problem"
He said: "Well take these drinks to table 10"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
#other
@Sickipedia
I have sex daily.
My doctor told me it’s completely common to have my letters all jumbled up.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A guy goes to the doctor with a very red penis.
He's naturally worried because he's never had anything like this before. The doctor after a short examination left the exam room, came back with a bottle and a cotton swab. He proceeded to apply the lotion to the affected area and it cleared up immediately.
The guy very much relieved and amazed asked, "what is that?"
The doctor said, "lipstick remover."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Ddi you hear Boeing has adopted a new corporate motto?
"When one door closes, another one opens."
#other
@Sickipedia
Millennials teaching other generations how to use computers:
1995: "Mom, let me show you how to type a report on the computer. It's easier than using pen and paper."
2024: "Kid, let me show you how to type a report on the computer. It's easier than using your phone."
#other
@Sickipedia
Wife: I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m dad
Wife: No, you’re not
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia