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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Which nation values skinny girls the most?
France. They all want to bone-a-petite
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman walks up to a bus stop to wait for a bus. The only other person waiting there is a guy wearing a ballerina outfit, full clown makeup and has an orange traffic cone on his head.
The woman tries to keep quiet but after a few minutes she can’t resist and asks the guy, “Hey, um…what’s with the outfit?”
“What do you mean?” he responds.
“Well, you’re wearing a tutu, clown makeup and you have a traffic cone on your head,” she says.
“Yeah,” he says casually. “It’s Wednesday. I always wear my ballerina outfit with my clown makeup and cone hat on Wednesdays.”
She replies, “It’s actually Tuesday today.”
“It’s Tuesday?!” the guy says. “Oh man…I must look like a fucking idiot.”
#other
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When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.
#wordplay
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Roman soldier says, "We lost a man and now number only 99". His centurion replies, "I see". The soldier responds...
No, XCIX
#wordplay
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What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
#wordplay
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I wanted to tell you guys a joke about numerators and denominators
but only a fraction of you would get it.
P.S. I can tell you guys are going to be divided on this one!
#wordplay
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Why was the calendar terrified?
It knew its days were numbered.
#wordplay
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9 out of 10 puns don't make people laugh
But a pun in ten did.
#wordplay
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea!
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs that's been hit by a car?
Still bloody no idea!!
#wordplay
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My mailman had a sex change.
I guess you can call him a post-man now.
#wordplay
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I once swallowed a bunch of synonyms.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
#wordplay
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A single sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1,587.5TB
That's a lot of information to swallow.
#oldbutgold
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Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.”
She said, “You pick.”
I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”
She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
#other
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What's stopping you from breaking through the ozone layer and reaching the stars?
At most, fear
#wordplay
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How many KGB does it take to change light bulb, comrade?
You complain too much about light dissappearing, maybe you might dissappear too, no?
#other
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I'm glad I know a sign language.
It's quite handy.
#wordplay
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An ecologist is giving a speech and says, "If we continue on our current course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years." A man in the audience stands up and hysterically asks, "What?! What did you say?!"
He repeats, "If humanity stays on its current course every living thing on earth will be gone in 50 years."
The man is relieved and sits down saying, "Whew. I thought you said FIFTEEN years."
#other
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I really hate black holes
They just suck
#wordplay
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Dad: “How are your grades, son?”
Son: “They’re underwater, Dad.” Dad: “What do you mean, underwater?” Son: “They’re below C level”
#wordplay
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The cross-eyed teacher always have troubles to control his pupils
#wordplay
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What did the ocean say to the beach?
Can I crash here?
The beach said "Shore"
#wordplay
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My wife's upset with me again....
The other day we were nearing the end of our daily jog and she said "Do you fancy a race?" I said "Yeah, Asian. Great legs."
#wordplay
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What starts with a P & ends with an S and most men have them and most women want them?
Pockets.
#wordplay
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A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office
and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again…”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Women's ass size study There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses and the results were pretty interesting.
30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
If it takes 6 men 3 hours to dig a hole, how long does it take 3 men to dig half a hole?
You can’t get half a hole, it’s a hole either way
#other
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Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing…
He said: “Just checking my balance”
#wordplay
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A secret agent is sent to Ireland to deliver a top secret package
"Go to this small town in Ireland, find our agent named O'Malley and say the following to him: 'the shadows of the moon are getting dark.' He'll reply 'but the sun will guarantee the light.' When he says that, give him the package and head home."
So the agent goes to the small Irish town but only sees a handful of shops and a farm. He walks up to the farmer and says "I'm looking for a man named O'Malley."
The farmer replies "you need to be more specific than that. The bank manager is named O'Malley, the Butcher is O'Malley, the undertaker is O'Malley and for that matter I'm O'Malley too."
Hearing that he says to the farmer in a hushed voice "the shadows of the moon are getting dark."
The farmer replies "oh your looking for O'Malley the spy. He lives in the next community west."
#other
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Pizza guy: your total is $38.24
Me: I can't afford that
Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then
Me: [takes out wallet] wait I forgot I had 40 bucks
Porn director: Cut, WTF?
#sexandshit
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I bought my daughter a handbag from Iraq.
She said thanks for the Baghdad.
#wordplay
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