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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
On a bus, a Christian priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read the newspaper.
Suddenly, in a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest: "Do you know what arthritis is?"
The priest thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful living: excess consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."
The drunk looked unsatisfied and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, asked the drunk: "How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis. It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
#religion
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Jimmy's mom visits his school one day.
She meets Jimmy's teacher, and the teacher says he is the dumbest kid in the school. He scores the lowest in the class and is not interested in anything. His mother was so disappointed that she took Jimmy out of the school.
25 years later the teacher got very sick, and needed to be operated. She had a low chance of surviving the operation, but miraculously she survived, because of the doctors skills. Wanting to thank the doctor she asked to meet him
The doctor came to see her and smiled. The teacher started to say something, but suddenly gasped, turned blue raised her hands wanting to tell him something and died.
The doctor was shocked, still trying to understand what happened when he saw our olf friend Jimmy, who was now a cleaner at the hospital take out the plug for the oxygen machine and put his phone for charging.
Don't tell me you thought that Jimmy had become a Doctor.
#other
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Which nation values skinny girls the most?
France. They all want to bone-a-petite
#wordplay
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A woman walks up to a bus stop to wait for a bus. The only other person waiting there is a guy wearing a ballerina outfit, full clown makeup and has an orange traffic cone on his head.
The woman tries to keep quiet but after a few minutes she can’t resist and asks the guy, “Hey, um…what’s with the outfit?”
“What do you mean?” he responds.
“Well, you’re wearing a tutu, clown makeup and you have a traffic cone on your head,” she says.
“Yeah,” he says casually. “It’s Wednesday. I always wear my ballerina outfit with my clown makeup and cone hat on Wednesdays.”
She replies, “It’s actually Tuesday today.”
“It’s Tuesday?!” the guy says. “Oh man…I must look like a fucking idiot.”
#other
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When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.
#wordplay
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Roman soldier says, "We lost a man and now number only 99". His centurion replies, "I see". The soldier responds...
No, XCIX
#wordplay
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What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
#wordplay
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I wanted to tell you guys a joke about numerators and denominators
but only a fraction of you would get it.
P.S. I can tell you guys are going to be divided on this one!
#wordplay
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Why was the calendar terrified?
It knew its days were numbered.
#wordplay
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9 out of 10 puns don't make people laugh
But a pun in ten did.
#wordplay
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea!
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs that's been hit by a car?
Still bloody no idea!!
#wordplay
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My mailman had a sex change.
I guess you can call him a post-man now.
#wordplay
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I once swallowed a bunch of synonyms.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
#wordplay
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A single sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1,587.5TB
That's a lot of information to swallow.
#oldbutgold
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Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.”
She said, “You pick.”
I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”
She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
#other
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René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears.
#other
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Old man was sitting deep in thought at his 80th birthday party.
His grandson comes up to him and asked him what he was thinking about.
He thought for a moment then began:
"When I was your age Billy, when I got an erection, try as I might I couldn't bend it one bit!
Then in my 20s, I could bend it a bit, maybe 15 degrees. By my 40s I could bend it maybe 30, and in my 60s, it was half."
"Why are you thinking about that?" the grandson asked,
"Well, this morning I was able to fold it completely in half. Which is what I am wondering about. How much stronger am I going to get?"
#sexandshit
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I'm glad I know a sign language.
It's quite handy.
#wordplay
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An ecologist is giving a speech and says, "If we continue on our current course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years." A man in the audience stands up and hysterically asks, "What?! What did you say?!"
He repeats, "If humanity stays on its current course every living thing on earth will be gone in 50 years."
The man is relieved and sits down saying, "Whew. I thought you said FIFTEEN years."
#other
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I really hate black holes
They just suck
#wordplay
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Dad: “How are your grades, son?”
Son: “They’re underwater, Dad.” Dad: “What do you mean, underwater?” Son: “They’re below C level”
#wordplay
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The cross-eyed teacher always have troubles to control his pupils
#wordplay
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What did the ocean say to the beach?
Can I crash here?
The beach said "Shore"
#wordplay
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My wife's upset with me again....
The other day we were nearing the end of our daily jog and she said "Do you fancy a race?" I said "Yeah, Asian. Great legs."
#wordplay
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What starts with a P & ends with an S and most men have them and most women want them?
Pockets.
#wordplay
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A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office
and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again…”
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
Women's ass size study There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses and the results were pretty interesting.
30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world!
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
If it takes 6 men 3 hours to dig a hole, how long does it take 3 men to dig half a hole?
You can’t get half a hole, it’s a hole either way
#other
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Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing…
He said: “Just checking my balance”
#wordplay
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A secret agent is sent to Ireland to deliver a top secret package
"Go to this small town in Ireland, find our agent named O'Malley and say the following to him: 'the shadows of the moon are getting dark.' He'll reply 'but the sun will guarantee the light.' When he says that, give him the package and head home."
So the agent goes to the small Irish town but only sees a handful of shops and a farm. He walks up to the farmer and says "I'm looking for a man named O'Malley."
The farmer replies "you need to be more specific than that. The bank manager is named O'Malley, the Butcher is O'Malley, the undertaker is O'Malley and for that matter I'm O'Malley too."
Hearing that he says to the farmer in a hushed voice "the shadows of the moon are getting dark."
The farmer replies "oh your looking for O'Malley the spy. He lives in the next community west."
#other
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