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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
On his deathbed, an old Jew says to his wife,
“Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me.”
The wife nodded dutifully, “I was, Moshe”
He labored a bit and then said, “When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again.”
The wife tearfully said, “I was, Moshe”
“And now you're at my death bed, aren't you?”, added Moshe.
The wife replied, “I am, darling.”
The old Jew sighed, “I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.”
#oldbutgold
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Dammit, i killed my photographer friend by accident.
I misunderstood when he said he wanted to be shot with the Canon :(
#wordplay
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Science puns make me numb.
Math puns make me number.
#wordplay
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away.
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
#oldbutgold
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How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One! Because they are very effective and don't have a sense of humor!"
#other
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An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says "I'm going to need to see some id".
#wordplay
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What’s a robot’s favorite snack?
Computer chips
#wordplay
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If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US,
He will be rolling in his grave.
#wordplay
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My Daughter turned 18 this weekend, so I bought her a locket with a picture of herself inside. Thankfully, She's now finally..
Independent.
#wordplay
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How is procrastination like masturbation?
It feels good at first but soon you'll realize the only person you screwed was yourself.
#wordplay
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Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.
I was like well damn.
#wordplay
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I sat next to a baby on a ten hour flight. I had no idea it was possible to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed that I could pull it off.
#oldbutgold
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I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
#other
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On a bus, a Christian priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read the newspaper.
Suddenly, in a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest: "Do you know what arthritis is?"
The priest thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful living: excess consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."
The drunk looked unsatisfied and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, asked the drunk: "How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis. It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
#religion
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Jimmy's mom visits his school one day.
She meets Jimmy's teacher, and the teacher says he is the dumbest kid in the school. He scores the lowest in the class and is not interested in anything. His mother was so disappointed that she took Jimmy out of the school.
25 years later the teacher got very sick, and needed to be operated. She had a low chance of surviving the operation, but miraculously she survived, because of the doctors skills. Wanting to thank the doctor she asked to meet him
The doctor came to see her and smiled. The teacher started to say something, but suddenly gasped, turned blue raised her hands wanting to tell him something and died.
The doctor was shocked, still trying to understand what happened when he saw our olf friend Jimmy, who was now a cleaner at the hospital take out the plug for the oxygen machine and put his phone for charging.
Don't tell me you thought that Jimmy had become a Doctor.
#other
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A Russian greets his friend: “Have you heard? Pravda is running a contest for the best political joke. The first prize is 20 years.”
#politics
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I don't take elevators
In fact, I take steps to avoid them.
#wordplay
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What's the difference between a casual dinner party and a pirate orgy.
The dinner party you come as you are, the orgy you arrr as you cum.
#wordplay
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I got fired from Microsoft...
but I excel at finding new jobs. This is because I have a way with words, and a positive outlook on life
#wordplay
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A famous cardiologist died.
In his honour, his grave was cut in the shape of a heart. As the heart shaped coffin was being layed into the grave, an old man was laughing uncontrollably.
Someone asked the man his reason for laughing on a such grievous occasion. The man replied, "I am a famous doctor myself. I was laughing thinking about what my grave would look like." "What is the area of your expertise?"
The man replied, "I am a gynecologist."
#oldbutgold
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Dad: "Son, In Afghanistan I killed 12 people.”
Son: Dad you were a cook.
Dad: Never said I was a good one
#oldbutgold
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The phone rings at 1 a.m.
The husband picks it up and yells "how the hell do I know? I'm not a weatherman" and slams down the phone.
"Who was that?" the wife says.
The husband replies "some jerk who wants to know if the coast is clear."
#other
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A man is preparing to board a train...
when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wanted to try something different.
"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. But the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after taking his seat, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," the man thinks. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to intercourse that ends in 'k'?"
Only one word leaps to mind. The man feels uncomfortable. "My goodness," he thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." He thinks for a while, then it hits him and he says, "I think the word you're looking for is 'talk'."
"Of course," replies the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
#wordplay
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Was showing someone pictures of my wife in the nude.
Needless to say, my wife got rather upset when she found out. Said I could've at least worn a robe or something to cover myself up.
#wordplay
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Woman: “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What did you do dear?”
Woman: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”
Woman: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Woman: “Yes, father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
Woman: “Then he touched my breast.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)
Woman: “Yes, father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Woman: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)
Woman: “Yes, father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Woman: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Woman: “Yes father! YES FATHER! YES FATHER!!!”
Priest: (after a few minutes): “That is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Woman: “Then he told me he has AIDS.”
Priest: “SON OF A BITCH."
#oldbutgold
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Yo mama so fat during in a full moon she turns into a warehouse.
#wordplay
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Which room can't be entered by the dead?
The living room
#wordplay
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My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”
I told him I drink it.
#oldbutgold
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René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears.
#other
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Old man was sitting deep in thought at his 80th birthday party.
His grandson comes up to him and asked him what he was thinking about.
He thought for a moment then began:
"When I was your age Billy, when I got an erection, try as I might I couldn't bend it one bit!
Then in my 20s, I could bend it a bit, maybe 15 degrees. By my 40s I could bend it maybe 30, and in my 60s, it was half."
"Why are you thinking about that?" the grandson asked,
"Well, this morning I was able to fold it completely in half. Which is what I am wondering about. How much stronger am I going to get?"
#sexandshit
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