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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
What do you call an asian man who's single
Lone lee
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
So i was watching porn last night when my daughter walked in..
Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.
#sexandshit
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My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Three little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said . . .
That'll be $4,750 + your $2,000 deductible.
#americanhealthcare
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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each handed a red rubber ball and asked to determine the volume.
Each ball had a diameter of 2 inches.
The mathematician plugged the radius of 1 inch into the equation for the volume of a sphere.
The physicist put a known volume of water into a calibrated container, submerged the ball, and with a simple subtraction determined the volume.
The engineer said he couldn't answer the question. His handbooks had a blue rubber ball table and a green rubber ball table, but no red rubber ball table.
#other
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A married couple became famous for not having an argument in 25 years.
Local newspaper editors gathered at the occasion to find out the secret to their happy 25 year marriage.
The editor said: “Sir, it’s amazing, impossible. How is this possible?”
The husband began recalling his honeymoon days: “after our honeymoon, we began horseback riding, on different horses. I was lucky to have a gentle, kind-spirited horse.
My wife on the other hand wasn’t so fortunate. She had a crazy horse. As she was riding the horse, the horse began to jump wildly and she fell off. My wife patted the horse on the back, saying ‘this is your first time.’ She jumped back on and we continued riding for a while. Then the horse started acting wildly again, causing my wife to fall off once again. She didn’t lose her cool and patted the horse again, saying ‘this is your second time’. Once again she hopped on and again, the horse jumped wildly and she fell off. My wife pulled out a revolver and shot the horse dead.
My jaw fell to the ground. ‘What the hell are you doing? Did you just shoot a horse?? What’s wrong with you?!’, I asked her, shocked and bewildered.
She looked at me, ‘this is your first time’.”
#oldbutgold
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A boy brought home his report card to show his parents how well he did in math class.
His report card showed a 90/100 for his math grade. His father was ecstatic, however his mother knew he was terrible at math and thus simply couldn't believe he got a 90/100.
She looked closely at the report card and noticed that the 9 and the 0 looked to have different handwriting styles. She immediately became suspicious. "Son, tell me, did you add a 0 to the end of your grade?"
"No," the boy replied.
"I'm going to ask you again," said the mom, "did you add the 0 yourself?"
"No mom, I didn't add the 0--"
Fuming, the mom cuts him off. "Ok, since you're not telling me the truth, you are grounded for one month."
"No mom, please!" the boy begged, "I swear I didn't add the 0!"
"This is your last chance," said the mom, "tell me the truth!"
"I didn't add the 0...I added the 9."
#other
@Sickipedia
Pinocchio was in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.
When it was over, he noticed that his girlfriend was sobbing quietly.
Being a nice wooden boy, he asked her what was wrong.
"Oh, Pinocchio", she said, "You're a sweet guy and a great lover, but every time we make love, I wind up with splinters down there!"
Pinocchio was understandably upset, so when his girlfriend left, he went straight to Geppetto and explained his problem.
Geppetto thought about this for a moment, and then said: "Well, Pinocchio, maybe if you used some sandpaper down there, it might, well, shall we say, 'smooth things over'!
The next day, Geppetto went to the hardware store and he saw Pinocchio at the counter, ordering just about every kind of sandpaper they had in the shop. Coarse sandpaper, fine sandpaper, every quality in between!
Geppetto smiled, gave Pinocchio an amicable slap on the back and said: "Well, my boy, I guess you are a big hit with the girls now, eh?"
Pinocchio turned around and said: "Girls? Who needs girls?"
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Three physicists went out for a drive
Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm went out for a drive one sunny summer afternoon. Everything was going great when Heisenberg noticed flashing blue and red lights in his rear view mirror.
"Aw scheiße," he muttered as he pulled over to the side of the road.
The cop sauntered up to the driver's side window. "Good afternoon, sir," he said to Heisenberg. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
"No, officer," Heisenberg responds with a bit of a grin. "But I know exactly where I am."
"This isn't a joke, sir," the cop says. "I clocked you doing 74mph in a residential area. That's more than double the posted limit and qualifies as reckless driving, a 2nd degree misdemeanor that can get you 90 days in jail."
"74 miles per hour?" says Heisenberg. "That's just great. Now I'm lost!"
"Sir, based on the speeding and now your behavior I suspect that you're driving under the influence. Have you and your friends been drinking this afternoon or maybe hanging out with that Hofman fella down at Sandoz? I'm gonna need you all to step out of the car so I can search your vehicle."
So the three physicists have a seat on the side of the road while the cop searches the car.
The cop looks under the seats. He pokes through the glove box. Finally he pops the trunk and gives a startled shout.
"Are you three psychos seriously driving around with a dead cat in the trunk?!?!" he screams.
"If Fluffy is dead it's your fault for looking you filthy pig," says Schrödinger.
"That's it," says the cop. "Enough's enough. I'm arresting all three of you."
Ohm resisted.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The mafia forced my brother-in-law to go on a creative writing course..
They made him an author: he couldn’t refuse.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
So an old Jewish man, an Auschwitz survivor, lives into old age but finally dies.
He learns that there actually is a heaven, and to gain acceptance you have to tell God a joke or funny story.
In front of God, he relays an anecdote that happened to him during the Holocaust - a story that the man found amusing in spite of what was happening.
"Um, I don't get it", says God.
"I guess you had to be there", says the man.
#oldbutgold
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My wife told me she wants another baby.
It's a relief I don't like this one either.
#wordplay
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Soviet Union. A parrot is flying over the streets of a city.
Parrot: Down with the Communist Party! Give us Democracy! Open the borders with the West! Hail the free market! Karl Marx is a bullshitter!
The authorities notice at once. A task force of KGB starts chasing the bird, pull out their pistols... the parrot evades their shots and flies into the window of a flat. The officers write down the address, take the elevator and knock on the door. A man opens it.
Man: Greetings Comrades. Can I help you somehow?
KGB officer: Yes, we are looking for a parrot. Do you have one?
Man: Oh, yes, I do. It is currently in the fridge.
KGB officer: Fridge? Strange. Can we see it?
The man opens the freezer and pulls out the parrot.
Parrot: Long live the Party! May communism win on Earth! Lenin lives forever! Down with the capitalistic oppressors!
KGB officer: Ah, I see. That's not the one we were looking for. Must have gotten the wrong floor, Comrade. Good day to you.
Man: Good day to you as well, Comrades.
The KGB men close the door, the man waits a few minutes to be sure they are gone, and then looks at the parrot:
Man: Well, pal, I see you've got a taste of what Siberia's like.
#politics
@Sickipedia
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
“You herd me.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
My wife is a sex object. When I want sex, she objects.
#wordplay
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I finally got my wife to have sex with me daily
I told her the doctor had said i would die having sex
#sexandshit
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Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school...
The teacher asked, "Johnny, who is our Lord and savior?"
The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pencil
Johnny shot upright and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"
"Correct," said the teacher.
Johnny then fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him again, "Johnny, who was Jesus's mother?"
Again, the boy behind Johnny poked him.
Johnny woke up again and exclaimed, "Mary mother of God!"
"Correct," said the teacher once more.
Johnny fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him once more, "Johnny, can you tell me what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to their 23rd child?"
The boy behind him poked him once more.
Johnny shot up and shouted, "YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONCE MORE AND I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I went on a blind date last night..
It didn't start that way....
But she had pepper spray..
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The inventor of auto correct recently died
His funeral is tomato
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I'm not usually opinionated about math...
but there is a fine line between numerator and denominator.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The sheep dog says to the farmer, “Here are your 20 sheep.”
The farmer says, “but I only have 17 sheep.”
“I know,” says the sheep dog, “I rounded them up.”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man is wandering deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...
The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.
"What can I get you?" the barkeep asks.
"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.
"Unfortunately, the guy who just left drank our last beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves."
"What's that?" the man inquires.
"Ah," the barkeep responds. "It's a potent mix of dragon blood, unicorn hair, and fairy tears."
The man thinks for a moment. "Alright, I'll try one of those."
The barkeep gets to work behind the bar, mixing the mystical ingredients: lights flash, colors change, smoke billows. He returns with a goblet, its contents bubbling out of the sides.
Intrigued, the man takes a nervous sip.
"Jesus Christ," the man exclaims. "That tastes horrible."
"No shit," says the barkeep. "Why do you think the last guy drank all the beer?
#other
@Sickipedia
I'm not bragging or anything
but when I get naked, the shower gets turned on
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Two conspiracy nuts end up at the gates of heaven before God
God says to them "You may ask any question of me."
The first man asks "Was the Maui fire started by a space laser to clear out residents so the rich could buy up all the land?
God says "No my child. It was a combination of poor agriculture and climate change."
The first man turns to his friend and says "This goes up higher than we thought"
#other
@Sickipedia
I DON'T USE LOWER CASE LETTERS LIKE SOME SOCIALIST.
I'M IN FAVOR OF CAPITALISM.
#wordplay
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My dad always wanted me to be a millionaire and thankfully I didn't disappoint him.
He died before he got the chance to see how poor I became.
#other
@Sickipedia
Not really a dad joke, but yesterday my coworker noticed that the clock on the wall had stopped and asked "when did that happen?"
So I said, "Well, from the looks of things, I'd say it was about 8:47."
#other
@Sickipedia
A groom gets drunk at his wedding reception and wakes up with a hangover. He says to his best man, "What happened last night?"
"Well," says the best man, "your new wife got drunk, got up from the table, and started dancing like mad. Then I got drunk, and I started dancing with her. Then you got drunk, and you saw us dancing together, and you got so angry at us that you kicked her in the crotch."
"Ouch!" says the groom. "That must have hurt."
"It sure did!" says the best man. "Two of my fingers got broken."
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I threw a gender reveal party
But the judge called it indecent exposure
#sexandshit
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