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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
Little Johnny walked up to a security guard at the mall and said, "I've lost my mother. Can you help me find her?"
The guard replied, "Absolutely can do, Little Dude. What's she like?" Little Johnny said, "Big dicks and vodka but I don't know how that information helps."
#wordplay
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A boy walks through the forest, and an old and scary old woman sits on a stump in the meadow, the boy spits, and the old woman says:
- By the way, I am a witch, I can fulfill any three of your wishes, if you fulfill one of mine.
- Fine! I want a cool car.
- You will go out on the road - the Kruzak 300 is already waiting for you there.
- I want a lot of money!
- In the car, the entire trunk will be filled with bucks.
- I want a beautiful lover!
- There will be a beautiful blonde from head to toe in the back seat of the car.
- So what favor do I have to do for all this?
- Yaku-Yaku. Sexy, of course.
The boy did the favor and ran out of the forest. And the grandmother followed him:
- Son, how old are you?
- Twenty-seven, and what?
- Nothing... So big, but you believe in fairy tales
#sexandshit
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Two blondes are trapped in an elevator.
They yell for hours, in the hopes someone will hear and come to their rescue. They take it in turns to scream for help.
“Help!”
“HELP!”
“#HELP!”.
One blonde turns to the other and says “This isn’t working. Maybe we should try yelling simultaneously”?
The other blonde agrees and the two then start shouting
“SIMULTANEOUSLY!”
“SIMULTANEOUSLY!”.
#other
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A guy walked into a post office just before Valentine's Day.
He couldn't help but notice a middle-aged, balding man wearing a suit, standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. There were stacks and stacks of envelopes. He kept watching as the man then took out a bottle of Chanel perfume from his pocket and started spraying the scent over the envelopes.
By now, the guy's curiosity had got the better of him so he asked the man what he was doing. The man replied, "Every year before Valentines Day, I send out 500 Valentines Day cards, signed, 'Guess who? xoxo'"
The guy asked, "But, why?"
The man replied, "I'm a divorce lawyer."
#other
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Jim was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Jim took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Jim asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Jim asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Jim asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed homeless man.
"Well," said Jim, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Gayle."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
Jim replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."
#oldbutgold
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What is 007 favourite Christmas song?
Bells, Jingle Bells
#other
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I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."
Then she said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
#wordplay
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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.
Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."
"Oh my," the teacher gasps with a horrified look on her face.
"So the chicken takes the BMW, backs it up near the quicksand, throws a rope to the horse, ties it up to the bumper and pulls the horse out. The horse is so very thankful."
"What happened next?" the teacher asks, feeling relieved.
"A couple days later... the chicken falls into the same quicksand and says, 'Hurry up! Hurry up! Go get the farmer!' So the horse thinks to himself, 'Well... I could probably stand over this quicksand.' So, he stands over it and says to the chicken, 'Grab hold of my penis!' So the chicken grabs hold of the horse's penis and gets pulled out."
The teacher is suddenly weirded out by the direction the story is going and asks, "Umm... Johnny? That's nice and all, but what's the moral of the story?"
Without hesitation, Johnny responds with, "The moral of the story is: if you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks."
#wordplay
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A TV crew goes down to a farmer to explore how a day in the countryside unfolds. They ask him to describe how his day goes.
- Well, I get up in the morning, and I have a shot of moonshine...
- Hold on, hold on, this won't do!! We can't tell our viewers that you're drinking first thing in the morning. You know what, say that you get up and read the newspaper. There you go!
- Alright, I get up in the morning, and I read the newspaper. I feed the pigs, and then I read another newspaper. In the morning, I'm out in the workshop, and I read two or three books. For lunch, I read two magazines, then I walk around the estate, reading another book. In the evening, I bring in the animals, and then I read the evening newspaper. After that, I would go to the library, but it's only open until ten, so then we go over to my buddy Joe's place, 'cause he's got a printing press...
#other
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A man is feeling lonely during the Holiday Season, so he buys a pet parrot to keep him company. The man gets the parrot home, sets up a cozy cage, and says, "Hi, buddy birdie. Want a cracker?" The parrot replies:
"Go fuck yourself."
The man, shocked, says: "What did you say?"
The parrot says again, "Go fuck yourself."
At first, the man thinks it's kind of funny. However, as time goes by, he realizes that "Go fuck yourself" is all the parrot ever says to him. Eventually this gets old, and the man loses his patience with the parrot.
"Stop telling me to 'go fuck' myself."
"Go fuck yourself," is all the parrot says.
"I'm warning you. You better stop."
"Go fuck yourself."
"This is your last chance. You better not tell me to 'go fuck' myself again, or you're gonna regret it."
"Go fuck yourself."
Irritated, but with no plan, the man looks around his home to see how he can teach the parrot a lesson. He spots the refrigerator, and thinks that a few seconds alone in the cold dark will teach this ungrateful bird who's boss. So, the man yanks the parrot out of its cage, shoves it in the fridge, waits 15 seconds, takes it out and puts it back in its cage. Satisfied with himself, the man leaves for a bit to allow the parrot to reflect on its punishment.
The man returns later and sees the parrot staring at him from its cage in utter terror.
"Are you okay?" the man asks.
The parrot doesn't respond. It just stares back with intense fear.
"Buddy birdie, no need to be afraid. I just wanted to teach you a lesson. C'mon, talk to me."
The parrot replies, "Because I told you to 'go fuck yourself', you shoved me in a cold, dark refrigerator?"
The man shrugs and answers, "Yeah. It was just 15 seconds. I didn't think it'd have any long-term damage."
The parrot says, "Jesus! What the hell did that turkey do?"
#oldbutgold
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What does driving in rush hour and 69'ing have in common?
You have to stare at the asshole in front of you.
#wordplay
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If I am addicted to masturbation, but it turns into a sex addiction...
Does that mean My addiction has gotten out of hand?
#wordplay
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Three guys die and go to heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them, “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner, your way across the bridge to Heaven will
be decided.”
The first guy says, “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated thrice.”
The angel gives him an old model pick-up.
The second guy says, “11 years and only once.”
The angel grants him a Mercedes.
The last man says, “20 years and not once, we loved each other with all our hearts.”
The angel is duly impressed, and bestows upon him a gold edition Lamborghini.
The man soon passes the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him at a diner. He’s sitting alone at a table sobbing and muttering to himself.
One of the men approaches him and says, “I know we are dead but it could be much worse. Don’t be upset!”
The guy looks up and says “Don’t be upset?!, 30 minutes ago I passed my wife, and she was riding a skateboard!”
#oldbutgold
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Why wouldn't the English teacher have anal sex?
He couldn't stand improper use of the colon.
#wordplay
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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
#sexandshit
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One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” mean. They explained that they mean “lady” and “gentleman.” The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “penis” and “vagina” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.” At supper the next day, Little Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled,”Oh fuck!” Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means “cut.” A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas — we can’t wait to fuck the turkey!”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child made another note that said, “Take as many as you want. God is watching the apples."
#other
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My wife keeps asking me to blow cool air on her when she’s hot, but I don’t like it
I’m not a fan
#wordplay
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How do you measure the effectiveness of a dad joke?
With a sighs-mometer.
#wordplay
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What do you get if you watch a Jackie Chan movie backwards?
A movie about a guy who can assemble furniture with his feet
#other
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The earth is flat.
It's 80% water and none of it is carbonated.
#wordplay
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What's white and has a high body count?
Mt. Everest
#other
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A blond is having trouble selling her car.
She tells her friend that it has nearly 300k miles on it and it’s difficult to sell to anyone.
Her friend says he has a cousin she can take it to. He’s a mechanic and can roll back the miles on the car to make it easier to sell.
A month goes by and they run into each other. Her friend asks if she ever took her car to his cousin.
She replies that yes she did and he did a great job rolling back the mileage to around 30k miles.
Her friend asks if she was then able to sell the car.
She replies “No; I would never sell a car with such low mileage. I’m keeping it for myself.”
#other
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Which painkiller is the most ambitious and optimistic?
Aspirin’
#wordplay
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My wife just found out she's adopted.
She's devastated and kept asking "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears...
On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "Who's your daddy?!" was a little insensitive.
#sexandshit
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What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
#wordpplay
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A grandpa told his grandson that he should live a little. Here is what he said:
Grandpa: Grandson, what are you doing?
Grandson: Playing a videogame.
Grandpa: Why? There are so much better things you could be doing at your age. When I was your age, I was in Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, beat up the barman and left without paying! That is how you have a good time!
Grandson: Well, I'm only 18, how am I supposed to get to Paris?
Grandpa: I'll pay. Have a good time.
And the teenage grandson went to Paris for a week and came back.
Grandpa: Sonny, what happened! You have a cast, a black eye, and some missing teeth! Tell me.
Grandson: Well, I did everything you said you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge and tried to have my way with the dancers, drank all night, and tried to leave without paying, but they all beat me up. Grandpa, what went wrong?
Grandpa: Tell me, who did you go with?
Grandson: Just some of my friends.
Grandpa: Oh, that explains it. I went with the 3rd Panzer Divison.
#oldbutgold
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A young deckhand sees a pirate ship approaching from the port side.
He rushes to the captain and tells him. The captain says, "I need you to go to my cabin and get my red shirt."
The deckhand is a bit confused. He asks, "Your red shirt, Sir?"
The captain replies, "Yes. If I get hit by enemy gunfire, I do not want my men to see me bleeding and give up the fight."
The deckhand rushes to the captain`s cabin and gets his red shirt. The whole time he is thinking how brave his captain is, since he is worried about the men giving up the fight if he gets hit by enemy gunfire, and not even concerned about his own life. On his way back, the deckhand notices another pirate ship approaching from the starboard side. When he gets to the captain, he gives him the red shirt and says, "Sir, I regret to inform you, there is another pirate ship approaching from our starboard side!"
The captain says, "I need you to go to my cabin and get my brown pants!"
#oldbutgold
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Yesterday evening, a fisherman, while going through an alley, heard someone crying for help.
Running for the sound, he saw a lady being mugged. Quickly, he jumped at the mugger and grabbed him, but the mugger managed to get away and escape.
According to the fisherman's description to the police, the mugger was about three and a half meter tall, and weighed at least five hundred kilograms.
#other
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A young adventurer, very muscular, dressed in armor, and with a sword by his belt, marches through the city's gates.
An old man approaches him and says, "Oh, you are the chosen one!".
"Am I?" replies the adventurer.
"Sure!" affirms the old man. "Follow me, for I will take you to the king. You do have an important task at hand that only you can perform.".
"Who are you?" asks the adventurer.
"The wizard!" replies the old man. Then he adds, "Now come, and no more questions!"
The duo marches into the castle. Thirty well-armed guards open passage, holding their lances high.
By the hall, the king hears their entry being announced and receives them by the table.
"So, he's the chosen one?" asks the king.
"For sure!" replies the wizard.
"Am I the chosen one for what?" asks the adventurer.
"According to our old legend, a young man would enter our city and destroy the evil dragon for good," the king and the wizard tell him in unison.
"Oh, great!" replies the adventurer. Then he asks, "Will there be any reward?"
"Of course," answers the king. Twelve thousand gold coins, a diamond the size of your fist, and twelve acres of land, and you will be made a duke.
"Then take me to the dragon, and I will for sure defeat it!" cofidently replies the adventurer.
The wizard then leads the adventurer out of the castle and into the forest.
A distant roar can be heard. The wizard points to the forest and says, "It's there. Go!"
The adventurer draws his sword and marches into the jungle, cutting branches and weeds out of his way.
The wizard then hears the adventurer screaming, and a huge column of smoke rises from the distance.
He waits for a while, then hears the dragon roaring again, shrugs, and returns to the castle.
And then, the wizard meets the king.
"So... everything went fine?" asks the king.
"Yeah!" replies the wizard. "I think our pet is fed for the next week."
#other
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