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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in.
George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.
The big day finally came, and he was parachuted to the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
"Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?", he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.
"5 Rubles, Comrade American", came the reply.
Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.
"It's just around the block, Comrade American."
Keats' doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka.
"Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?", the bartender asked.
Keats threw a fit. "What's the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?"
"Well Comrade, it's because you're black."
#oldbutgold
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I changed a light bulb, crossed the street and walked into a bar...
Oh god, my life is a joke!
#other
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My kid messaged me saying they were going to have 2 minute noodles for lunch
I replied, “Why don’t you have 2 large noodles instead?”
#wordplay
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I always keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet to remind me why...
there's no money in it.
#wordplay
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A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch, and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he found that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (thank God for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep.
"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"
#sexandshit
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Three men were in a hospital.
An Englishman, a French, and a Congolese were expecting to receive their babies from the ward.
The doctor comes out with three nurses; each carting a baby.
"Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news..." says the doctor, "there was a mix-up and I'm afraid we cannot determine which babies--"
Just then, the Englishman grabs the cart with the darkest baby and dashes for the door.
"Sir, what are you doing?!" shouts the doctor
"I ain't raising no goddamn Frenchman!"
#roast
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I once met a girl with 12 nipples.
Sounds made up, dozen tit.
#wordplay
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In ancient Rome there were four kinds of poisons. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly
But Poison IV would just make you itchy.
#wordplay
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A guy approaches his friend in the Synagogue.
"Dave, I need your big favor as my best friend. I am heading to the rabbi's to have sex with his wife. Please keep him here for two hours. Ask complicated questions, follow up on the answers, trade stories... Whatever you can do to make him stay," the guy says.
David reluctantly agrees and goes to see the rabbi.
"Rabbi, I got myself into a predicament. My friend pressured me to prevent you from leaving here while your wife and he were having sex at your house. What is your advice?"
Rabbi: "Run home. I am not married."
#sexandshit
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A father sends his kid to their room for acting up
They storm up the stairs into their room and yell "JIM MORRISON is an OVERRATED HACK!"
The father snaps back "AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?"
#wordplay
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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we are not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
#other
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Bob found out he was going to become a billionaire once his sick father dies. His father had taken every measure to hide his wealth.
After finding this out, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy his fortune with.
So he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary dude," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit over 2 billion dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, he spotted her at his dad’s house. She greeted him with a huge smile and exclaimed, “Bob, I am your new step mother!”
#other
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A 108 year old man and his 107 year old wife appeared before Divorce.
"Irreconciliable differences, Your Honour," said the man, when asked the reason. "We've been married for 87 years, and it's been torture all the way."
"87 years‽ That's the longest marriage I've ever seen in this court!" exclaimed the judge. "Since everything looks to be in order, we can formalise the separation today. But if I may ask, why is it you waited so long before applying to separate?"
Replied the woman, "Well Your Honour, to be honest, we were just waiting for the kids to die."
#other
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What is the worst thing you can say when your wife accuses you of never listening
Trust me, she’ll hate it
#wordplay
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My wife finished a 36-week bodybuilding program yesterday.
We welcomed a baby girl into our family weighing 3.5kg!
#wordplay
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All those years of gaming are finally paying off..
Doc says I'll get atrophy any day now.
#wordplay
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My wife said I look like a Greek god...
Her actual words were, “Put your clothes on you idiot, we’re in a museum!” but I know what she really meant!
#sexandshit
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Both of my parents were dwarfs..
I’ll never forget how they struggled to put food on the table.
#wordplay
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My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
#wordplay
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Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
#wordplay
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In the US, it’s called an elevator. In the UK, it’s a lift
I guess we’re just all raised differently
#wordplay
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Ivan was working at a vacuum cleaners factory in USSR, but couldn't afford to buy one himself...
One day his wife said: Vanya, you are an idiot, you can steal a single part of a vacuum cleaner every day, after a month or two we will have all the parts we need, and you'll assemble it yourself.
After two months of stealing parts Ivan locked himself in a workshop and begun assembling vacuum cleaner. Wife waited for six hour for him to finish and then knocked and asked if something wrong.
- You see, - answered distressed Ivan - I've assembled and re-assembled it six times, and still getting a grenade launcher!
#other
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A woman asks her husband, "Did you marry me because my father died and left me a fortune?"
And her husband says, "Of course not! I would have married you no matter who left you the money."
#other
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On my first day in prison, my cell mate said to me...
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
#boomerhumor
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During a family dinner, my dad asked, "Son, when are you planning to get married?" Typically, I'd ignore such questions, but this time I responded, "I won't be getting married for at least another five years, so you can give it up." My parents were disheartened, shocked, and confused. They asked, "Why, son? Don't you think it's time?" I replied, "She's only 13."
#other
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I've lost control, I don't see an end, there's no escape. I don't even have a home anymore
Time to buy a new keyboard
#wordplay
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God summons Adam and Eve and says to them, "hey guys, I've got some more features to divvy up. Who wants extra muscles?"
"I do!" shouts Adam before Eve can say anything.
"OK", says God, "how about extra height?"
"Mine!" Says Adam, "It goes well with my extra muscles."
"And, how about extra body hair?" Asks God.
"Yoink!" Says Adam, snatching the hair from God before he can finish his sentence. God and Eve share a look. Adam says, "see ya suckers," as he struts off in his tall, well muscled, hairy body.
"Well," sighs God to Eve, "all I have left is multiple orgasms."
#sexandshit
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I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost...
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
#wordplay
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My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating
She's starting to sound like my wife.
#other
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A dad was putting his daughter to bed, and she said her nightly prayers,
"Good night mum, good night daddy, goodnight grandma, and goodbye grandpa." Puzzled, he asked why she said goodbye to grandpa instead of goodnight. The girl explained she felt it in her spirit. The next day, grandpa passed away.
Worried, the dad paid closer attention when she prayed. Months later, saying her prayers, the girl said, “Good night mum, good night daddy, goodbye grandma.” Puzzled, the father asked her why she said goodbye to grandma, but the girl said it was the right thing to say in her mind. Sadly, the following day, grandma passed away.
Two months later, when his wife was on a trip, the little girl praying said, "Goodnight mum, goodbye dad." On hearing this, the dad knew what was coming. Determined to survive, he prayed fervently. He stayed home, didn’t go out, and was very careful throughout the day. He figured out that if he survived past midnight, he would break the spell. And he did survive past midnight, and he was thankful.
Early the next morning, when his wife returned from the trip, as he was about narrating his ordeal, she shared a shocking news, saying, “You won’t believe what just happened—my boss died on our flight back to Florida.”
#oldbutgold
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