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The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy
“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked
“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said
The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says
“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”
“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment then said
“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
#sexandshit
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My dentist asked if I smoke or drink coffee
I said I drink it
#wordplay
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2 hunters are lost in the woods...
After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says, "I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue", so they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're starting to get worried and one says, "I hope we get help soon", to which the other responds, "I know right, I am almost out of arrows"
#other
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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
#oldbutgold
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Three men are out on the golf course. The first tees off and slices the ball straight into the water hazard. The second man is like, “Oof, tough luck, Moses!”
Moses replies, “No worries.” He walks over, waves his driver at the water, and it parts. He finds his ball and plays on.
The second guy tees off and also hits it right in the water. Moses laughs and says, “Haha, didn’t learn anything, did you, Jesus?”
Jesus laughs, walks out over the water, finds his ball, and plays through.
The third man tees off. His ball slices straight toward the water, but before it breaks the surface, an enormous fish jumps out of the water and swallows the ball. As the fish is about to land, an eagle swoops down and scoops the fish up in its talons. The eagle swoops out, but drops the fish a moment later. It lands, and the ball rolls out of its mouth… straight into the hole.
Moses looks at Jesus and says, “Man. I hate playing golf with your dad.”
#religion
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I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner.
She suggested, "How about one of those places where they make your food right in front of you?"
So I took her to Subway.
#other
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What's a super power most children have?
Supervision
#wordplay
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While washing clothes I found $5. I gotta be more careful.
Money laundering is a very serious crime.
#wordplay
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A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I'm a turtle", he says.
"Oh... who's on your back?"
"That's Michelle", he replies.
#wordplay
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I asked my wife if the cup was half full or half empty
She said: "For the love of god, stop wearing my bra"
#wordplay
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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
#oldbutgold
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Womb is pronounced as "woom" and tomb as "toom".
It's only fair that bomb should go "boom".
#wordplay
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Last week we took the kids to see "Disney On Ice" but it was very disappointing.
It was just some old dead guy in a freezer.
#wordplay
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Why do the British pronounce it "Bri'ish"?
Because the Americans dumped the T in Boston Harbor.
#wordplay
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What cheese is made backwards?
Edam
#wordplay
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How can a room full of married people be empty?
Because there’s not a single person there
#wordplay
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My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
#wordplay
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A man takes his 7-year-old daughter to visit a castle...
while they are visiting the castle, they come accross some stairs that lead to another floor. since the castle is filled of history and authenticity, the man, amazed by the castle, tells his daughter: "can you believe that a long time ago, the king, ministers and other important people used to take these same stairs..." to which the daughter responds: "yes, it's so obvious!" the man, a bit confused, asks her: "why do you think it's that obvious?" and her daughter responds: "because there weren't any elevators at their time!"
#other
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What do you call a sexuality where you’re attracted to men and women but they are not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself
#wordplay
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A police officer spots a car parked in a popular make-out spot late one night, and decides to investigate.
He sees a young man behind the wheel reading a newspaper and a young woman in the passenger seat knitting. This is a puzzling sight, so he decides to find out more about these individuals.
"How old are you?" he asks the guy.
"Twenty-one, officer," he replies
"What about you?" he asks the girl.
She looks at her watch: "In about ten minutes, I'll be eighteen."
#sexandshit
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I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster.
#wordplay
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
#religion
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What three letter word starts with gas?
Car
#wordplay
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together.
So I drinks one for each a me brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I just joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
#oldbutgold
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Whenever I eat probiotic yogurt, I make sure to remind people...
...that I'm a man of many cultures.
#wordplay
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What do you call a female rapper?
38 Cent
#sexism
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A judge calls opposing council into his chambers and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".
The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.
"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given me $50,000 to rule for you".
He hands Atkinson $10,000 in cash and says "Now that you are both even, I intend to decide the case purely on its merits".
#other
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Knock knock. Who's there? Grandad.
Shit stop the funeral!
#other
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My GF said that she will break up with me if I sing "I'm a believer"
I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face.
#wordplay
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