13643
The sickest, rudest, most offensive, inappropriate & politically incorrect jokes — we've got them all!
If you drive a Subaru backwards, what are you?
U r a bus
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man walks into a hotel and books a room.
The man says to the clerk.
“I assume the porn is disabled?”
The clerk says,
“No it’s just regular porn you filthy bastard.”
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
Parenting is hard. I'm trying to teach my son that "vagina" isn't a dirty word.
He still needs to pick a different name for the hamster though.
#other
@Sickipedia
While on vacation in Mexico, a guy went to see the bullfights.
When it was over he went to a nearby restaurant. The waiter recited the menu and then said, "Since today there was a bullfight, we also have fresh testicles on the menu if you'd like to try them."
The guy was always up for something new so he ordered them. They arrived and they were absolutely delicious; tender, flavorful, and unlike anything he'd ever eaten.
Exactly a year later he was back in Mexico on business, and he and his co-worker found themselves with an extra day to kill.
"How about the bullfights?" He suggested. "Afterward we can get a beer at this restaurant nearby." His friend agreed and they went to the fights only to be told they were already over.
"Let's go get a beer then," remembering the testicles he said, "we can eat, too. They have this dish you're going to love."
They ordered the testicles but when the dish arrived the testicles were much smaller, weren't nearly as flavorful, and kind of disappointing.
When they were done he asked the waiter what happened to the dish. They had been so much better last year.
The waiter leaned closer and said, "Señor, the bull doesn't always lose."
#other
@Sickipedia
The town I grew up in was so small
It didn’t have a town drunk; everyone just took turns.
#other
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What did the angel say when he picked up the phone ?
Halo 😇
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady: What's that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
#sexandshit
@Sickipedia
I don't like the word "grammar nazi", since it has the word nazi in it
I prefer to be called a write supremacist.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up.
After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house. The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken. "That"s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?" "I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."
#other
@Sickipedia
A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.
She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on. She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed." The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior. She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother Johns shoes on."
#other
@Sickipedia
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive.
I'm lucky that my older brother told me about it.
#other
@Sickipedia
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store
He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
What do you get when you cross a zoophile, a necrophiliac, and an idiomatic expression?
Someone who should REALLY stop beating that dead horse.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
The only thing flat earthers have to fear...
...is sphere itself.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A man goes for a walk in the park. On his walk, he sees two men sitting on a park bench and looking very down.
“What’s wrong?” He asked them.
One of the men looks up at the man and lets out a long sigh: “Take a seat and I’ll tell you.”
Curious, he sits down next to the two men.
“The paint’s wet,” the man says.
#other
@Sickipedia
A soldier returns home to his wife after a year-long deployment overseas.
He wants to show her how he managed to go a year without having sex with anybody else. "So how did you do it?" she asks.
"I trained my dick to respond to drill commands like so." He undoes his belt and drops his trousers. "Dick, ten-HUT!"
His penis springs straight up, erect and raring to go. "Dick, at ease!" His penis soon becomes flaccid. "Now you try!"
His wife tries it—"Dick, ten-HUT!", and his penis springs to life again.
"Dick, at ease!" The soldier's penis relaxes and softens. "Oh, we need to show the neighbors this!" The wife leaves and comes back with their neighbor, an attractive 20-something woman. His wife encourages her to try telling the soldier's penis to come to attention and stand at ease.
"Dick, attention!" the neighbor commands. The soldier's penis, as expected, hardens.
"Dick, at ease!" But his penis does not go down. "Dick, at ease!"
The soldier looks down at his penis, still erect. "Dick, at ease!"
But the military man's member refuses to go down, so he runs away into the bathroom. His wife follows him and sees him furiously masturbating.
"Honey, what are you doing?" she asks with a hint of worry in her voice.
The soldier replies, "He's not following my orders so I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
What begins with E and ends in E but only has one letter?
Envelope
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A pianist goes into a bar that he wasn't there for 3 years
The pianist goes to the piano and starts to play: do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la do re mi fa sol la... just like that for an hour, after he finishes the bartender asks him: what the heck did you play us now? The pianist said: "long time no si"
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A woman walks into her bathroom to see her husband sucking in his stomach. "You know that won't help you lose weight," she says.
"I know that," says the husband. "But it will help me see the numbers."
#other
@Sickipedia
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's,
I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife.
Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question. But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
#roast
@Sickipedia
They each agreed for a tour of their country under one condition about the homosexuals. The Saudi and Dutch thought they had very similar beliefs about gays. However, once at Saudi Arabia, the Dutch was mortified at all of the brutal death penalty methods used for homosexuality. At the Netherlands, the Saudi was mortified to see tons and tons of gay people smoking weed out of peace pipes and such. They simultaneously said in utter shock and confusion, with a bit of betrayal; "What the hell? I thought you said your nation was the land of gays getting stoned!"
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
I told a joke on a zoom meeting but nobody laughed.
Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
People in the gym always ask me how I got so big?
Being a bodybuilder, people are shocked at how big I am. Many of them ask “how did you get so big?!” I tell them that it’s simple. I Followed an extremely strict diet of raw oats and milk.
Seriously. I ate nothing but raw oats and milk for two years and literally doubled in size!
But then I grew teeth and my mom made me switch to solid foods.
#other
@Sickipedia
A priest comes home from work.
He sees that his neighbor, the rabbi's car is very dirty and decides to wash it for him.
The next day just as the priest was preparing to leave for work he sees the rabbi cutting at his car's exhaust pipe.
Priest: "What are you doing, neighbor ? I wash your car and you destroy mine ?!"
Rabbi: "Shut up! If you can baptize my car it's fair game for me to circumcise yours!"
#religion
@Sickipedia
Why was the astronomer's desk so disorganized?
They prefer Messier objects
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I asked an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spanish man, and a German if they can see me.
They responded Yes, Oui, Sí, Ja
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Yo mama is so fat, that if she could communicate with the dead…
she wouldn’t be called a medium, but an extra large.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
A möbius strip walks into a bar, distraught and crying
The bartender says “Oh no, Möbius Strip! Looks like you’ve had a bad day. Pull up a chair and tell me what’s wrong”
The mobius strip sit down, wipes it’s eyes and says “WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?!”
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Donald Trump is on the Epstein List but don't worry,
Republicans don't care about minor issues.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!
He wants to be a millionaire, too.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia